September 18th, 2007

Every Finger In The Room Is Pointing At Me!

This is the post that will make many of you question why you are friends with me.  I know it….you’re going to read this and run screaming for the hills because the more I think about it, I’d like to claim my own mini-mountain!

Ironically, after yesterday’s post, I feel quite cute today.  I found some brown cords, a sleek top and some killer chunky sandals.  I also flat-ironed my hair, which is getting quite long, I might add.  But anyway, back to the awesomest outfit ever (for today).  I was so stoked at how cute I looked that I new something was bound to ruin it.

I decided to eat a Colon Blow Muffin (Trader Joe’s bran muffin) for breakfast while I cruised my email for a bit.  Suddenly, and without warning, a blueberry found it’s way into the wrong pipe and before long I was choking so hard that I had water flowing out of my eyes.  I mean, it was the "cough choke" so I wasn’t scared but still.  I also apparently needed to go pee because each time I gag-coughed, I felt a little tinkle escape my bladder. 

"Oh shit, my cute pants!", I thought as I quickly ripped them off before it became an "I peed my pants" issue.  But with one final death cough, my underwear got the brunt of the pee.  That ticked me off to no end cause that meant I’d have to go all the way back up five flights of stairs to get a new pair.  It was then that I devised the brilliant plan of putting them in the dryer so they would not be wet anymore.  I know, I know….I’m getting to the light bulb moment.  After making sure that my hoo-ha-tastic area was clean, I sat on my computer chair bareback and read some email.  Finally it hit me that I just put pee-soaked panties in a dryer without even thinking about the fact that they’d come out dry but stankin’ like not-so-yummy juice and they’d still be dirty.

But for just that brief moment, I really had the idea that all I had to do was toss them in the dryer.  Wow, just wow.  I started to feel like Della, the peepee girl from grade school!  I clearly have no idea what I was thinking! 

Oh and just for your information, I did end up going up and getting new panties, plus sticking an extra pair in my bag for work.  Who *doesn’t* need extra panties at work?

I Swear My Panties Smell Like Freshness Kisses,
Me

PS - Today is Karl’s real birthday, cause I fudged the dates a little last week so go give him love.  Also check it out…..I will be the guest star on his Birthday Blog Talk Radio tonight, in case you have any questions about panties…or anything else ;)

Posted in Total Tardage | Comments (31)

31 Responses to “Every Finger In The Room Is Pointing At Me!”

  1. sizzle Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 9:27 am

    you are killing me. ha ha. at least you realized that the drying of the pee-panties wouldn’t have really solved your problem.

    usually when i have underwear in my purse it’s from a night spent…elsewhere. ahem!

  2. Anne Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 9:49 am

    OMG, woman! I have no comment..lol

  3. Kriss Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 9:52 am

    Oh. My. God. Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a looooong time! :)
    P.S. My husband is consulting for a paper company in the area. They’re redesigning their line of Old Lady Pee Pads. I’m sure I could use some pull, and get you an invite into their focus group!

  4. RW Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 10:07 am

    Yeah this is, you know, information that I can, um, kinda survive without having but, you know, I’m really really glad you saved your, uhm, pants and all…

    So. Okie dokie. Ahem…

  5. furiousball Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 10:32 am

    My coworkers think I’m odd for having panties in my drawer, but this is exactly why. So what if I’m a man? Panties are panties right? The little flower goes in the front right?

  6. Kyra Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 11:03 am

    Erm… Wow. I’m pretty far into the whole TMI category right now. But you did get me wondering if that one girl back in gradeschool who stunk (I guess we all had ones of those) had the same thought process about her clothing.

  7. Hilly Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 11:11 am

    Sizz - Better late than not at all. I don’t like stewing in my own juices ;).

    Anne - Well, yanno.

    Kriss - I think I may be too amateur for OLPP, but remind me to ask you again in 20 years!

    RW - Aren’t you the one that said we women will talk about anything under the sun without hesitation.

    FB - Yes, flowers in front. It may be wierd but what if someone has a coughing fit at work? LOL.

    Kyra - I hesitated on this post but since I found it amusing after the fact, wth? I want people to love me, warts and all. And I think Della just sat in her chair and peed all day long ;)

  8. Sharon Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 11:11 am

    Oh, Hil, I love you. Your post put a smile on my face and a chuckle in my throat. :)

  9. Dagny Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 11:34 am

    OK. Now I can’t stop laughing. My stomaching is starting to hurt. And I am in danger of getting a little pee on my panties. But that’s OK. They’re yesterday’s panties and shortly, I will get in the shower and put on fresh ones.

  10. Fluffycat Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    I’m glad my dryer is in my garage so I’m not tempted to do stuff like this. Hrm, I guess this incident is why God made pantyliners.

    I love those muffins.

  11. tori Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    This whole post is just plain awesome. I love that you thought it would be ok but what is sad is that my son peed in his pants just a little bit and MY HUSBAND dried them in the dryer and put them back on him. Yuck!

    “hoo-ha-tastic” is such an awesome word.

  12. metalmom Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    It’s great to know my friends are good in the hoo-ha department! I laughed til I cried at this!!

  13. Dave2 Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    My panties are plastic-lined. So when I pee myself, I just go on about my business, confident that plastic panties are doing their job.

  14. sandra Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    That’s a little bit spectacular.

  15. LadyT Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 5:31 pm

    i just barely wet my panties daily…its gotten to the point where i usually have on a liner so i dont think about it…but occasionally, i run out of liners or forget one, and then a little comes out and i am like “d@mn! i just pissed my pants!” i can not count how many times this has happened. it is so frequent. lol.

  16. Chase Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 5:34 pm

    :|

  17. Wayne Hall Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 7:06 pm

    snark: to choke/laugh so hard you pee a little in a chair while nekkid.

    No, I swear; I read it on urban dictionary!

  18. SJ Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 8:11 pm

    One word: KEGELS.

    Two sets of 50 every day, and you will never have to worry about pee-panties again. Plus, you will have awesome orgasms and also be capable of hands-free tampon removal.

    You think I’m kidding?

  19. Suebob Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 9:19 pm

    Just today, after I sneezed, I was wondering if I was the only one with such awesomely bad bladder control.

    I am excited by SJs Kegel claims, though.

  20. Foo Says:
    September 18th, 2007 at 10:38 pm

    A little late to the pee party, but man, this was awesome. Dan thinks you and I should go shopping for Ben Wa balls this weekend…and since Dave2 is into the adult shops ;o) maybe we could make it a field trip.

  21. Geeky Tai-Tai Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 3:14 am

    OMG! I’ve almost peed my own pants from laughing at this post! Thanks a lot :D

  22. Iron Fist Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 7:20 am

    I peed a little when I read this. So I guess that makes us even.

  23. DutchBitch Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 8:01 am

    Ehm… ok… I kinda got stuck at the Colon Blow Muffing thing… WTF?

  24. mb Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 8:43 am

    Wow!! I hate when that happens! Unfortunately, it happens to me more and more often these days (now that I’ve hit the big 40) although I’ve never thought to put my wet panties in the dryer. I seem to have this problem everytime I sneeze or cough if I don’t squeeze my legs together and clench my hoo-haa.

    Did this ever happen to you when you were younger? I’ve done those kegel exercises for years but they don’t seem to help. It really sucks getting old. Who would have thought a simple cough or sneeze would lead to nasty wet stinky pants. UUGGHH!

    Thanks for the laugh today. I needed it.

  25. sue Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 9:43 am

    I swear, that is one of the worst things about getting older. I, like MB, did all the kegels and all that did was NOTHING. Yeah. I have to be careful when I cough, sneeze, choke (more often than I’d like, as the case may be), or laugh. I swear, Depends are starting to look better and better….

  26. Debs Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 10:29 am

    Hahahahahahahahahaha - best belly laugh I’ve had in ages !!! bless :)

  27. the veggie paparazzo Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    Well, that definitely made me laugh out loud. You are too funny.

  28. Michael Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    I haven’t yet found the need for extra panties at work!

  29. kimberly Says:
    September 19th, 2007 at 8:56 pm

    Oh my gosh I laughed so hard I cried. And peed.

  30. kapgar Says:
    September 20th, 2007 at 4:19 am

    Well, for one, I don’t need extra panties at work. Then again, keeping myself “hoo-ha-tastic” hasn’t exactly been much of a priority, either.

  31. lauren Plouffe Says:
    September 21st, 2007 at 1:29 am

    You are awesome and so honest, I have bladder issues when laughing and coughing myself and I don’t know if I could be that honest

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