May 27th, 2008

Someone’s Standing In My Way! Oh Wait, It’s Me….

Today I woke up feeling sluggish.  I suspected that coffee and a shower would help but even as I sit here now, my body seems to feel heavy-laden and my brain is nothing more than mush.  I feel like I am staring from behind a spring haze, unable to fully focus on anything and more importantly, unable to feel many emotions.  Don’t get me wrong, nothing is really the matter emotionally (well you know, more than the usual).  I think this might be physical.  Wait, I’ll *own* it….this IS physical.

You see, I’m fat. 

Now now, before you roll your eyes, expecting my standard "hate the way I look" post, this isn’t that.  In fact, I’ve oddly become more and more okay with loving myself the way I am lately.  I’ll go into that miracle another day but today is about the physical duress that comes from being overweight.  It’s funny that the lovely Miss Hellohahanarf posted about this same topic today because it’s been heavily (pun totally intended) on my mind as well.  As a matter of fact, last night I admitted something to my friend Shiny but told him that if he told anyone else, I’d have his balls on a stick.  But since Ms. Narf was so forthcoming, I shall be too…..

I’ve rejoined Jenny Craig.
(I’ve also got a brand new pair of roller skates but we’ll save that for later!)

I wasn’t going to post about it cause, yeah hi….we’ve seen me go up and down like a whore many many times during my blogging career.  But now I want so say "so the fuck what?".  I’ve made mistakes and been imperfect with my weight loss efforts.  Fuck man, I’m human.  If you think I sound defensive, I totally am.  But you know what?  It’s not any of you that have made me feel this way…it is my own damned self.  It’s like I have to keep reminding myself that every failure before this one and/or every success is in the past.  What matters is today and moving forward.  If I don’t post about this because I am afraid of what people will say when I fail, isn’t that just a bullshitty self-fulfilling prophecy?  Why can’t I come at you with the attitude that reeks of my success instead?  I can!  And I am!

Those of you that were around in the winter of 2006 know just how successful I was on Jenny Craig….I lost a ton of weight and felt really good about myself.  And so now we’re full circle back to this…feeling good.  I don’t want to wake up without energy each day and feel drained just from the little things.  I don’t want to breathe heavily unless it has to do with sex or exercise, preferably in that order.  What I *do* want is to be able to go back to Philly and run up those "Rocky Stairs" without feeling like I need to die afterwards.  Sure, I did it this year (and am proud of myself) but I almost hocked up a lung as a sacrifice to the art of Frida Kahlo.  I want to have pep, energy and all the great feelings that go along with that. 

I want to be the best fucking me that I can be.  I deserve to be the best fucking me that I can be.  And you know what?  I’m feeling quite happy that I actually recognize and expect more for myself in life…things are looking up!

Roller Skate Hilly Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Health and Wellness | Comments (30)

30 Responses to “Someone’s Standing In My Way! Oh Wait, It’s Me….”

  1. Poppy Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    I am a very bad example of someone who is healthy, so I will just wish you good luck in your endeavor and then probably drop dead later today from the 1400 pounds of butter I have consumed in 2007-2008.

  2. Dave2 Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    You could try contracting food allergies and become terrified of eating. Seems to be working for me… I’ve lost 6 pounds this past week!

  3. Chris Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    Cheers to being the best fucking you you can be!

  4. Dagny Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    Best of luck to you! Maybe soon I’ll get motivated to give exercise another try.

  5. Sharon Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    Good for you for rejoining JC. IMHO, there is no shame in trying again. God knows, I’ve lost and regained weight more times than I’d care to count. It seems to be a never-ending journey.

    You’re absolutely right when you say that what matters is today and moving forward. That’s the only positive and productive thing we *can* do.

  6. jodi Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    congrats on rejoining JC… if it’s worked for you before - it can definitely work again so thank-you for sharing this most awesome news… i look forward to reading about your weekly successes and losses! :o)

  7. Hilly Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    Ha, I just remembered that we’re going to have those confusing JC moments again :).

    Jesus or Jenny?

  8. turnbaby Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    I think it’s cool of you to post it sugar–more steps.

    And I will tell you that with every fricking box and tub I loaded and unloaded and hauled up and down stairs over the past 8 days I felt my extra weight dragging me down.

    It’s a personal matter for each individual–I’ll be cheering you on!

  9. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    I already think you’re fabulous, but being the best Hilly you can be sounds good to me! Good for you doll. I wish you all the best with it!

  10. Mr. Fabulous Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    I joined Jenny McCarthy. MUCH different program.

  11. Penelope Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    I have no idea what Jenny Craig is but hey, whatever works for you lady!
    You be the best you can be and you run up those stairs-that-would-have-put-me-in-hospital and you gooooo!!!!! ;o)

  12. foo Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    Down with JC, woohoo carrots. Queen Mary photoshoot take 2, i’m with you all the way!

  13. Maryann Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Good for you honey! I just posted today that I feel like I turned a corner myself too. I can completely relate to what you are feeling.

    Pinky-swear that we’ll do it this time and treat ourselves the way we deserve to be treated!

  14. Winter Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Does Dave2 have 6 lbs to lose?

    If this is what you want, I’m behind you 100%. I promise not to invite you out to lunch to the fattening places. I wish my fat ass could be cured with Jenny, but like Dave I don’t eat much. I have a “sensitive” stomach. My fat ass is the result of 2 bad knees and 2 bad lungs and now… a bad hip. :( I miss the old me. Pre asthma and car accident. The old me woulda roller skated with ya! I can hobble behind and cheer you on tho!

  15. Finn Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    We’re right here to cheer you on and cheer you up when you need it. You are going to be so fabulous (even more so than you already are) you won’t be able to stand yourself.

    Maybe you’ll get to meet Valerie Bertinelli!

  16. Karl Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    Hey, you do whatever you need to do, I say. I’ve been thinking about doing the Nutrisystem thing. After all my traveling is done, of course, because that shit’s expensive.

  17. adena Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    It must be a weight loss kind of month.

    I totally need to do something, too.

    Too bad you aren’t up here! I’d totally be a work-out buddy!!

  18. Dragon Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    Hey, if you did it once, you can do it again. Good luck on your journey to health. We’re rooting for you.

  19. whall Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    I once again re-re-restarted exercise regiment. Here’s to really doing it this time!

  20. Nat Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 5:23 pm

    I’m with Sugarpants on this one. I think you rock…

    You know, The Distance Run in Philly has a walkers group. And it ends at the Rocky Steps, a lot of us ran them after the half. (That’s when I ran them.) You could set that as a goal for 2009. (NOT that I am looking for an excuse to run it again.)

  21. Tracy Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    You go, girl. You’ll get nothing but praise from me, since I am in the same boat. I lost 70 pounds on WW 4 years ago, and have let myself gain back all that & then some. Why? Who knows. All I know is that I’ve got to get myself back on track. Kudos & have fun skating!

  22. kim Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    Good luck with JC. I need to find something.. but someone telling me what to eat just makes me eat a pound of fudge.

  23. Lady Jaye Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Congrats! Your post really inspired me to get off my own ass and lose some weight as well. I promised myself after my divorce I was going to lose weight but I’ve done nothing since then and honestly have probably put on about 10 pounds. So thank you for being so honest because you’ve totally helped me out.

  24. MB Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    Congrats on getting out of your own way!

    I know JCraig works and I hear the food is much better now. I’m tempted to try it again myself.

    You will lose the weight and then please use your new muscles to beat them until they tell you the secret to keeping it off (and then tell the rest of us). :)
    Rock it out.

  25. Tori Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    yay! if you ever need to vent or whine or anything, you know where to find me!

  26. Patty Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    Way to go Hilly! Glad you are doing JC. Their food is pretty good when long ago I was on it. I did make the decision to do wt wtchers again as I want to get rid of some of this acreage once and for all and feel good, dangit. Have a great week!

  27. Iron Fist Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    In response to your part about the heavy breathing, I’d just like to point out that sex IS a form of exercise. Ahem.

  28. Diane Mandy Says:
    May 28th, 2008 at 5:40 am

    Good for you in joining. If I were back in a country where I understood the language, I’d join with you. Good luck!

  29. John Says:
    May 28th, 2008 at 6:27 am

    Is that you Ms. Carnes? Why, you look…yummy. Let’s do this next take with you and Ms. Bertinelli on your surfboards…

    Good for you. : )

  30. jane Says:
    May 28th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    I am so exactly right where you are. The thing is, this is a daily thing, a lifestyle change… permanent. Slacking off starts so innocently with 1 day, then the next, and I feel the same way you do. Kind of disappointed in myself, but also kicking myself back into gear. I guess I’m trying to say, you’re not alone. And I know if you can do it, there’s hope for me. And if I can do it, there’s hope for you.
    Mostly though, I love that you love yourself. That, more than anything in this world, is the best ever gift for you.

    (I wonder if there is some secret rule that people, who have never been fat, follow. Like do good for 6 days & slack off for 1?)

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