May 23rd, 2008

Timeline: The Beauty Of Speed……

Last night, I could’t really sleep.  The cause of this either stemmed from the little nap I took or the fact that I’ve got a million different things running through my head.  And by "things", I mean emotions mostly.  I’ve been sitting here, counting my cards and making deals with the universe.  I still have no idea who’s winning.  But trust me when I tell you that *my* deals that I’m making closely mirror a very fucked up version of The Secret, but I’m pretty much okay with that.  Truth be told, I’m actually beyond just being "okay" with it…it’s how I live or "how I roll", as the kids would say.

The midnight hour was odd in that my emotions kept going back and forth like the pendulum of suck.  For all intents and purposes, I should have been drifting into a dream-filled slumber with a huge smile on my face.  Instead, by the time I hit the sheets, my heart was beating so hard with the remnants of anger and frustration that I just could not calm…the…fuck…down.  I felt trapped again, not only physically but emotionally.  I really don’t want to go into the details but I feel that my body and soul were going through this internal ultimatum at the wrong time and place and it really pissed me off.  Sure, I could blame this feeling on someone else but the truth is that whatever surface stuff was thrown in my face, I could have reacted differently and perhaps saved myself the pain of a rapidly beating heart.

I hate it when I just sit there and take it rather than vehemently declare what it is that I want before letting the chips fall where they may.  Sometimes I just don’t want to *do* conforntation right before bed so I take the "easy road" and just say nothing when things come to pass.  But after doing that, I feel so stiffled…as if the room is closing in on me and I have no capacity to get up and run away.  My face starts to get hot, my body language probably suggests that you fuck off, my heart beats so hard that I feel like it’s about to jump out onto the floor and I can feel hot tears on the inside.  Dramatic much?  Yes.  How it almost really feels at the time?  Yes to that too.

As I sat there last night, making my deal with the universe….closing my eyes and throwing my energy out there, I realized something.  Deal or no deal, I can’t get what I want from the universe just by wishing for it.  I need to stand up and just say what the fuck it is that I want, especially in these trying situations.  Don’t get me wrong, there are still things that very much have to stay in a "wishing and dreaming" category, but those are nice things and they make my life brighter.  But the poison apple type of stuff?  Yeah, not so much…that shit needs to get the hell out of my life.  There is no reason to crawl in your own skin.  None.

Daylight Robbery Kisses
Me

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Posted in Emotional Diatribes | Comments (21)

21 Responses to “Timeline: The Beauty Of Speed……”

  1. Karl Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 6:53 am

    Ah, another cryptic puzzle from Snackie. I know exactly what you’re saying. Um, okay, no I don’t. But I can relate to not saying what it is I really want.

  2. radioactive tori Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 7:09 am

    Well, I have no idea what this is about, but I wish you luck figuring it all out and standing up for yourself. If you ever want to talk you have my email address, and I could give you my phone number too if you want to talk for real.

    I’ll be thinking happy thoughts for you!

  3. Winter Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 7:13 am

    I think I do know what you’re saying. If it’s what I think it is, OMG have I been there. Last June when my world - as horrid as it had become because of someone else’s issues and problems - blew the fuck up in my face. Let me tell you, nothing is worse than having the SWAT team witness your problems. Not that you’d ever have that happen. If you wanna talk or go out for a sandwich and coffee, just gimme a call. I have very empathetic shoulders.

  4. Lady Jaye Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 7:47 am

    I am completely sympathizing with you right now. I feel that way frequently and have been feeling that way a lot frequently. I know I don’t know you very well but I know that things will work out for you.

  5. Finn Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 8:34 am

    Change takes time, especially when it’s a change in behavior that has become a part of you. Realizing that it is keeping you from what you want is a great first step.

    Don’t hesitate about being clear about what you want (screw up your courage and say it loud and proud), and don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for wanting it. xoxo

  6. Miss Britt Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 9:31 am

    What’s that saying? Wish in one hand and shit in the other? Something like that.

    ANYway - I hate not being able to sleep because I’m pissed.

  7. Hilly Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Karl: Well, it was more about conveying a feeling than a situation. Besides, you know how I like to be all cryptic and mysterioso ;).

    Tori: I would love to talk to you on the phone sometime. I know you and I share a similar place in life and uh, yanno…stuff like that :).

    Winter: Well I feel much better knowing that my issues aren’t “SWAT Serious” but yes, I know you know what I mean and I think we should get together and drink talk.

    Lady Jaye: And I hope you don’t feel like that much more either.

    Finn: Right! Power to the people! Power to the Hilly!

  8. Hilly Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Britt: Hahaha, yes and usually the poopage wins! And yah, please don’t mess with nini time.

  9. Avitable Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 10:25 am

    Did you just call pooping “nini time”?

  10. Hilly Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 10:29 am

    Avitable: No, silly. I meant those as two separate thoughts…when you wish in one hand and shit in the other, the poop wins! Separately, don’t fuck with my bedtime ;).

  11. Avitable Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 10:33 am

    Oh, I get it.

    Ni is pronounced like “nigh”.

  12. Hilly Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Avitable: Yes, it was baby talk. How fucking unattractive of me. ;)

  13. Poppy Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 11:29 am

    Why do you always make songs run through my head?

    Today it’s Rolling Stones.

  14. turnbaby Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 am

    I was in this place on a Saturday morning a while back–I remained quiet so as n ot to provoke an even worse shit storm. Then I got in my car and drove around –so mad that I could barely see straight.

    Then I took a deep breath and decided that was the last time. So I wrapped my head around what I had to do to make that happen.

    Just keep moving forward—even if you have to take a little step over to do it.

  15. adena Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 12:17 pm

    I know you know I know how you feel. :)
    It will work out. Anything’s gotta be better than where you’re at right now, right??

  16. sue Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    I have crawled in my own skin way too many times.

    Love ya, Hilly. {{{hugs}}}

  17. Dragon Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    I wish you luck on your quest to take on the universe. :)

  18. Sybil Law Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    I know this will sound super cheesey, but for me, deep breathing seriously helps me both calm down and sleep. At least 3 super long, breathing in and out veeery slowly breaths. I’ve had sleep issues for years, and even got some medication (Xanax) years ago, but I hardly ever use it.
    Anyway, I really hope things settle down for you. They will, too - life is all about the ups and downs. :)

  19. Nat Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    Nothing like being an emotional wreck to ruin an evening. Sounds like some serious shit doll.

    There comes a point at which I needed to realize how little was truly in my control… :)

  20. whall Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    “Pendulum of suck” is now permanently etched into my mind.

  21. Winter Says:
    May 23rd, 2008 at 10:00 pm

    Say when lady! My brother is here, so I’m am totally into getting out of my house! lol

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