You Make Me Want To Be A Better (Wo)Man...

I was thinking about doing another TequilaCon wrap-up post that was chock full of amazing and amusing anecdotes but it seems like I've already peed my pants about five times tonight reading everyone else's posts.  So I tell you what...I'll get my gibberish out of the way then link you to a magical world of crazy drunken antics.  Oh and I mean "fucking certifiably crazy".

But before that, I'd like to bring myself to a mellow and talk about some of the more emotional aspects of this weekend as I am often prone to do.  Unbelievably, between the booze, boobie shots, hiding from Karl's flashing, constant twattering and other fun sightseeing things....I learned a lot about myself.  In fact, I think I was so busy cultivating my guts that I forgot to take pictures...I have a few of the pre-con but that's really it.  But anyway, let's talk innards....

I hate being this fat.  I'm actually working on it and was starting to lose weight right before leaving for Philly but obviously not enough to take away the extra pounds gained from last year before the big day.  So no matter how many of you want to roll your eyes at me and tell me to shut the fuck up, I'm just being honest.  There was a genuine worry on my part that feeling that way about myself would affect me more than the actual weight itself so I tried really hard to just get over it and let my light shine.  I think I did a pretty good job of it.  It's easy around this specific group of bloggers because not one of them, that I know of anyway, was even phased by that shit.  So I don't really want to dwell on that aspect too much except to say that for some reason, while super fucking drunk, it did.

I was a little lost for awhile at TequilaCon, not really knowing who to talk to...not because I had no one to talk to but because there were so many great people that I felt a bit overwhelmed.  Yes, the secret is out...even extroverts can often feel like hiding in the corner for five quiet minutes.  I went outside to "make out" a lot (our code for smoking) because most of the people I know really well smoke and it was sort of a mini haven at points.  Okay fine dammit, and I smoked too...yeah yeah, drunk smoking.

Not a lot of people know this but something happened at one point in the night that hurt my feelings...we'll just say that I overheard something that I wish I hadn't.  I wanted to walk away and just say "whatever" but I found myself running to the first person who I thought would be nice to me and somehow that person ended up being Shiny.  Don't get me wrong...it's not that I didn't think Shiny was the awesome right out of the gate but I guess I would have expected myself to run to someone else...they were all busy or outside "making out".  Not to imply that Shiny was sloppy seconds or anything ;).

The point is that the conversation I had with Shiny led to tears and as soon as that happened, he took my hand and led me down the flight of stairs faster than anything I've ever seen.  We then proceeded to talk about tons of stuff for over an hour, I'd guess...hell if I know, time just flew by.  In that hour I learned more about myself than I had all day...it was good to just sit in the moment and be quiet after a night of being a loud mouth crazy woman who checked her shyness at the departure gate at John Wayne Airport, Terminal A.  It was great to just breathe and say some things I'd needed to tell *someone* for such a long time. 

Why this story?  Well Shiny himself opened up about being a shy introverted person on his blog post tonight and I thought I'd talk a little about what it's like to be an outgoing extrovert.  Of course there are differences but I think when it all comes down to it, we're all just looking for a quiet room, a quiet mind and someone who gets us, even if it's just for that singular moment in time. 

Tomorrow I will talk about what it's like to find women that you click with when you were pretty convinced that you were the type of chick who didn't really "do" girls (that's what Karl said).  Then later in the week, I'll talk about meeting big named bloggers and what they're really like.  Everyone else is blowing the whistle on the embarrassing antics...but I'm getting to the creamy center, one post at a time.

If you want laughs, I suggest you read through my Google Reader Shared Items, which are pretty much all the crazy hijinks of bloggers...you can go from there directly to their pages and I really suggest it.  I cannot stop laughing and peeing and laughing and peeing.

Butterfly Kisses,
Me

Comments

[Winter]

Ack! You too! It's an odd thing when you decide to do something only find two other people have beat you to the punch because you're so busy running around the net looking at their photos and videos and hilarious posts about a get together that you're envious over yet would have been afraid to go to anyway. How's that for a run on sentence? ;)

[jester]

You could have totally called me, too. :)

Contrary to popular belief, I don't record every phone call. And while I like to hear secrets, I don't share them.

[hello haha narf]

oh how i do know what it is like to be an extrovert, yet still self concious. and of course i know what it is like to be overweight. hill, i love that you put this out there. i'm glad you learned some stuff about you. just know that you are wonderful now, regardless of your size.

ya know, if you need someone to talk to when you don't wanna be "on" you are always welcome to call me. seems we have a bunch in common...

love ya lots, pretty lady.

becky

[NYCWD]

As a thorough believer that with every blog post, the blogger inside grows a little bit more... both by himself and with the help of their friends. It makes sense that at an event like this you could grow a lot more and a lot faster.

I appreciate your extrovert's point of view too. Since I major in introvert and minor in spontaneous extrovert, I can definitely appreciate not only the lost feeling... but the unsureness of who to talk to... or for that matter... what to say... because you never know if they will in fact get you.

[Bre]

It's clearly an overwhelming feeling to walk into a room filled with that many personalities, but the great part about tequilacon is that, really, everyone else is feeling it to.

I can say for certain that, my first thoughts on seeing you were actually "hey I recognize that face!" and "Oh, she's quite tall" neither of which have anything to do with weight. Perhaps because I'm there in that same boat, but honestly I think that the things we agonize about other people noticing (my hair was being stupidly frizzy and my legs look unnaturally pasty against black cropped pants) aren't ever things that cross other folks' minds.

[Karl]

Yeah, I felt a tad lost at times, too, but that's usual for me. I just kept on with my quest to shake hands with every person there, and continued chanting the mantra, "I can do this, I can do this."

I don't know what you overheard but I want to kick their everloving ass, whoever they are. I'm already riled up enough. Nobody fucks with my Hilary, dammit.

[Dagny]

Can't wait until you hit SF later this year. The stories will be even better. ;-)

Oh. And for the record, I'm basically an extroverted shy person. Yeah. Go figure that one out. I just figured years ago that I was tired of life passing me by so I learned to step out there -- no matter how much it pains me. And yes, I almost have an ulcer from the pain.

[Mr. Fabulous]

Ah, Shiny is a better man than I am. If you had told me that someone had hurt your feelings I would have gone after them like a rabid pit bull.

Shiny is more evolved than I am. But I think we all knew that.

Love you, girl.

[Shiny]

I would have been more than honored to be your sloppy seconds. Or thirds. Or hell -- all the way down the line at number twenty-seven.

You were hurting -- and not to dismiss what I did in the least, but I'll bet you that more than fifty other people in that room would have done the same thing I did. It feels good that you trusted me enough out of the gate for it to be me, and I'm happy I was able to help out. I think we all get moments like that -- whether we're the freaked out introverts like I am or whether we're the extroverts like you. We're human. We have our insecurities. And it's okay to share them.

(Except for you, Fabby. You need to keep it bottled up inside.)

As for the body image issues? You know full-well that it's something we share. I'm not going to go into "shut the fuck up" mode about it -- I know that it's something that you want to work on for you (same goes for me). And we will. For ourselves. On our own terms.

I met someone incredibly cool Saturday afternoon at a sub shop on Market. She and I became wonderful friends a few hours later who really could talk about anything.

So, I guess... thank you for picking me to be nice to you. It went both ways. (twhs)

Butterfly kisses right back atcha...

[Avitable]

I'm an intropervert.

[Absurdist]

Hey girl. Thanks for sharing this. Before I became too sick to attend, I was worried about my weight thing too. I knew intellectually it wouldn't bother a soul, but I am like you. I have trouble in personal social situations regarding my weight and how I feel about myself. In professional situations, I couldn't care less; but I am most insecure in my personal life.

I too, am an extrovert. But I am glad you had the opportunity to talk to Shiny. I am not so sure I would have been able to have the bravery you had. If someone had said something that I overheard, whether it be about myself, or somehow included me, I might have run away to my hotel room and cried.

I am so glad you shared this, because I think it's important to share the really cool stuff and not just the drunken antics (even though I love those too!)

[Miss Britt]

I totally get this. Totally.

I think people were surprised to find me playing pool with a "non blogger" at one point in the night. What they don't realize is that when you're loud like me, a lot of people don't approach you. And that's just as uncomfortable for an "extrovert" as any other normal person.

And when you're standing there feeling a little lost, it's a nice change of pace to have someone come up to YOU and ask if you'd like to play pool.

[jessica]

Growing up, I was also the outgoing, extrovery who was mostly friends with men. It wasn't until college -- and the few following years -- that I really learned the importance of SUPER close girlfriends. And now? They are my rock and my anchor, and I absolutely cannot imagine my life without them. Like, I could be single and happy probably for the rest of my life, but without them, I'd be totally fucked, no doubt about it. So I relate to what you're saying -- because I'm not particularly girly, not a member of the Beauty Squad, and because I don't do the catty/bitchy thing very well, I always assumed I was "one of the guys." WRONG! turns out that for a long time I was just friends with the WRONG girls.

And there is nothing as great as you and all your outgoing, confident glory, but soft and mushy has a place too... both for you and your mental sanity, but also for the people who you are around who just want to see THE REAL YOU, stripped free of bravado and loudness humor... that goes for me as well, and it is maybe the most important thing I've learned in the past few years...

And it ties to the weight thing. I'm not going to tell you it's a big load of crap, because I remember those feelings SO WELL, and regardless of what anybody ELSE thinks of your weight, the fact that it bothers YOU is what makes it an issue -- because no matter what anybody else says, you're gonna feel that way until you're damn ready not to, whether that's from losing weight or from just getting to a place where you are at peace. As long as there is inner turmoil, there will be icky feelings.

For ME -- a lot of that "loud, funny, smart-mouthed, sarcastic, extroverted, confident" girl was a result of my weight -- like, if I ACTED loud and center-of-attention enough, nobody would notice that I was fat? I dunno. But I do know that as I've lost the weight, my personality has softened significantly. I don't feel as vulnerable anymore as I did when I was overweight (well, MORE overweight -- I'm still overweight).

I always learn more from the struggle than the success and this was no excpetion.

Love you!
~Jess

[diane]

Thank you, as always, for your honesty. It's nice to hear such a lovely moment from the "quiet" side of TequilaCon.
It's funny, people are always surprised at how I clam up if I am in a room where I don't know anyone. I can talk to the walls all day, and if there is at least one person I know I am fine. But zero--I just crawl inside myself.

[Poppy]

Sweetie, you're beautiful right now this minute. Love yourself.

[Atomic Bombshell]

New self discoveries at a TequilaCon? Good work!

[Hilly]

I don't have time to reply individually yet this morning but I wanted to make it CLEAR that what I overheard was not something by one of us...it was some random other person at the bowling alley place.

[Finn]

Hmm... where to begin? I know what you're talking about. There are many times on many days that I completely feeling like an alien dropped on this planet. And many times people keep their distance from me because they look at me and decide that I'm a bitch.

And I get the weight thing too -- it plagues women of all shapes and sizes.

I'm so glad you were able to find comfort with Shiny. And I think he's right... anyone there would have dropped everything to lend you an ear.

Please don't ever forget that you are a fierce, fabulous woman that has more going for her than just a beautiful face and fantastic tits. xo

[Turnbaby]

One of the best aspects of all of this is how much we CARE for each other and how we are giving each other the freedom to actually SHOW it.

I am so glad for you sugar.

You are awesome.

Oh and had I been there---I would have totally licked you---and kicked the ASS of the jerk who said something stupid.

[Jan]

I felt really shy the whole weekend. Scared, even. And I am usually an extrovert.

I have so many insecurities and honestly, I felt like I was on the outside a lot. But I saw you and how everyone loved you and I admired that.

Just saying you are awesome!

:)

[Crys]

i really wish i could have been there as it seems like everybody had such a good time. the photos were lovely -- and you were lovely in the photos.

[Shelli]

One of my favorite things that I heard all weekend was you saying, "I mean this in the best way possible: You're not that fat!" Girl, I coulda kissed you. Of course it came not long after Diana told me I was "tiny". This weekend did a miracle on my my self esteem.

Now, back to you...

Who is the person who made you cry? I wanna kick their ever lovin' asses.

[Shelli]

Oh, and I DID lick you. Several times.

[Tracy]

Completely retarded, but I remember you from the beginning of my Weight Watcher online days a few years back.

Sunday night I went out with some friends and had my picture taken with the hubby...and I'm suddenly so fat that I don't even recognize myself. Let the self-loathing begin...and I'm back on WW as of yesterday.

Long story short, if you need an online diet buddy, I'm so there. Life is too short to not love yourself fully.

[John]

RE: "...we're all just looking for a quiet room, a quiet mind and someone who gets us, even if it's just for that singular moment in time."

Spoken like a true Zen Goddess. : )

[Kyra]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to meet up with you. Then, whatever it was you overheard, we could have gone and trounced them.

[Kyra]

(lookie! I spelled my name right! Sorry... I'm just so damn proud.)

[suze]

I'm glad you found a listening ear, and a new friend, when you needed one. That's the beauty of this community, in person and online :)

[SJ]

Even TequilaCon can be a place of small miracles. I'm happy you got one.

[Gina]

"... we're all just looking for a quiet room, a quiet mind and someone who gets us, even if it's just for that singular moment in time."

Absolutely. I am glad you found someone to listen when you needed it most. Friends like that are few and far between.

Hopefully next year I can attend TequilaCon and meet you and the crew. You all seem like amazing people.

[Carly]

In my experience, chicks who don't think they do chicks (so to speak) just haven't met the right chicks. I used to say the same thing for many, many years... until i started meeting, one by one, a handful of wonderful women that I'm happy to count among my friends.

I think you have it in you (and clearly you do, as you say you'll be recounting it.) There's just nothing quite like having good female friends.

[RW]

I wish I could wave a magic wand and get you to stop beating yourself up sometimes you know that MISSY!!??

But - question - what in the hell is a "big named blogger"? Someone with a lot of letters in their name?

(insert head-scratching smiley)

[Stephanie]

Hi Hilly! I am a returning reader...I used to read a ways back during the WW thing. I re-found you (is that a word?) via Avitable. And I have been reading ever since. I didn't attend TC '08 (as i said on Karl's blog) because I was afraid of people thinking, "Wow she's fat!" lol. So I didn't even think of going. Now, reading the blogs, seeing the pics, etc...I am sad that I let myself down. I am so proud of you for not letting yourself down. I sooo should have went...I have boobs to rival all the girls! LOL. Hope to meet everyone some TC in the future.

[Nat]

What's happening in SF? eh? When?

You're absolutely right, I am not a huge fan of wild get togethers like this. Who would I have talked to? I think it's hard to put yourself out there. I'd like to think we take care of everyone and that people will be nice. Glad Shiny was there to help. He's my new favourite blogger. :)

[sandra]

Well I, for one, thought nothing about your body except that you had a lovely rack, for what that's worth. :)

Glad to have finally met you!!