June 12th, 2008

The Heart Can Freeze Or It Can Burn….

Do you ever feel like you have an assigned role within your group of friends?  Sure, we all have many different facets and are gloriously complicated people, but human nature dictates what within most groups of friends there will be the joker, the gossip, the parental one, the wild child, the go-to guy, the helper, blah blah blah.  Yesterday when I was talking to Foo Diddy on the phone, I came to the conclusion that she’s the one people always run to with their emotional crises.  No matter how much more she is than that, it seems to be that when one of her friends is having a relationship crisis, they dial or run to the Foo. 

After I hung up with her, the thought train started leaving the station and the notion of figuring out *my* role became one that I found to be amusing and interesting.  I pretty much already had a good idea what I would discover but in order to be fair, I quickly did a mental scan of all of my groups of friends and came up with one constant and imagine that, it was what I suspected.

I am “The Trapper Keeper”.  What the hell does *that* mean?  Well, I’ll tell you!  It means that I am the one that people run (or walk) to when they need to release their secrets.  The thing is that I have repuation for actually being able to keep secrets and not blab them to every other person I know.  Therefore, people tell me things (secrets) and I lock them in the vault for safe keeping.  It’s like a Trapper Keeper in that each secret is like a special little piece of paper that I file away in one of the pouches so that I always have it, but no one else can ever see it.  Of course, that also means that sometimes the fucking thing gets full….so full that I just want to dump it all in the garbage and never see it again.

When the secrets that I learn are ones that involve hurt and anger, it’s always harder to find a place for those.  On one hand, I love the fact that people trust me enough to come to me with things and feel so honored that they actually trust me and/or want me to help them.  Sometimes though, when everyone is playing confessional all in the same day or week, it drags me down.  No, it’s not because I just have to spill the dish or anything lame like that….it’s because knowing someone’s secrets makes me emotionally connected to that person.  It also makes me involved in their lives so much so that when something goes completely wonky and haywire, I do care.  I do have an opinion.  And you know what?  I’m allowed.

Last night I snapped.  It was one of those rare moments when I was dumping my Trapper Keeper into the garbage bin behind the 7-11.  To be clear, “snapping” never has anything to do with revealing what you’ve trusted me with.  It’s more like me losing my mind, talking about my lost mind a whole lot, then totally throwing my hands in the air.  When I blogged my now redacted post called “Citizen of the Planet”, I did it purely for altruistic reasons, yet after stepping back and realizing that it was becoming something I did not want it to be (i.e. potentially hurtful to someone), I had to take it down.  I still believe that we all get to feel how we feel in life….no one can tell us otherwise.  But, being the great vault of Hilly that I am, I also realize that sometimes it’s important to keep those feelings to ourselves or yanno, run to the person that we trust with our secret feelings.

Oh waiiiiit….. 

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t want you sharing with me, because I do.  Again, I am always honored to be trusted and love knowing things.  While my main thrill is that I can maybe help you solve a problem, I cannot lie….there’s a little voyeur in me too who just likes knowing things.  My ass is nosey by nature.  No, not all of me…just my ass ;).  It’s just that….if I don’t reply to group emails today about a subject that I need to see die, don’t fault me or don’t hate me.  I think walking away from it all is a more healthy way of cleaning out my Trapper Keeper today…and healthy is really what I am looking for in life right now. 

Do you find yourself falling into a role or are you less insane than I am?  I really hope I am not the only freaking crazy person here or I’ll just die!  Okay, not really but yanno….

Clarity Kisses,
Me

Posted in Friendship, Redefining Hilly | Comments (27)

27 Responses to “The Heart Can Freeze Or It Can Burn….”

  1. Patty Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:55 am

    Hey, maybe you’re up early like me as I might be the first to comment! Can’t sleep this morning on my first morning when I can sleep in.

    I had that friend that I could go to with my emotional problems but unfortunately she’s no longer on our planet…sucks. I haven’t been able to open up to anyone else (besides my family) about some deep things I’m going through. Though I have friends, I don’t trust them not to talk about me….yet. I’m really missing my best friend…..as she was so easy to talk to.
    Now I’m sad….sucks to be me today.

    I’m know what you mean by ‘playing a part’ with different friends. Sometimes though I feel like I can’t totally be myself around new friends and wear the ‘mask’. I don’t want to share too much too soon I guess.

    Pattys last blog post..Had a good time in San Francisco

  2. NYCWD Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:56 am

    For some reason my friends always come to me with relationship problems too. I often have to wonder about it, considering my relationship record is not too stellar. :roll:

    I’m all for healthy today too. I am totally NOT going to Burger King for lunch.

    Really.

    NYCWDs last blog post..Faith No More

  3. radioactive tori Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:59 am

    I am pretty sure this is about other stuff, but if I was too needy yesterday I’m sorry.

    I realize your posts are not about me, but just want you to know that I value knowing that we are close enough and that you are an awesome secret keeper that I can tell you whatever and know it is safe. But seriously if ever I spill something to you and you are over your limit, just tell me! I’d like to think that I am a good enough friend that I would respect that and not burden you! Again though, I know this post is not about me, just saying.

    I myself am a terrible secret keeper. I think I would be the fixer or the saver. I am extremely attracted to people who need help and have an overwhelming need to fix things for them and save them from themselves. I definitely take care of other people more than I should. I need everyone else to be happy and secure before I can be that way. I would say I am probably crazier than you are if that is any comfort.

    radioactive toris last blog post..Macaroni Pie

  4. Miss Britt Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:10 am

    I have absolutely no idea what my role is.

    Hmmm…

    The mind boggles…

    Miss Britts last blog post..So This Is What They Mean By The Big Bad Internet

  5. Avitable Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:18 am

    I feel like I voted for George Bush in 2004.

    Oh wait, wrong post.

    Avitables last blog post..To boob or not to boob

  6. delmer Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:18 am

    I’m the guy people come to when they have things on high shelves they can’t reach.

    delmers last blog post..Something Goofy from McDonald’s

  7. Dave2 Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:47 am

    So, you and Foo still hate each other, right?

    Dave2s last blog post..Transparency

  8. Finn Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:48 am

    I’m the Trapper Keeper too. And sometimes the Wise One. And sometimes the Wild One.

    Crap, I don’t what the hell I am.

    Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo: After The Storm

  9. RW Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:48 am

    I don’t know why but lately I feel a very strong need to let people have it now and again.

    I’m starting to think we all really need someone to call bullshit when we see it, because friends also do that when it’s called for and entire relationships shouldn’t rise and fall on a contrary opinion - unless of course the person being disagreed with has the skin the thickness of lace and is actually shilling for the support, in which case I probably don’t read that anyhow so…

    It’s pretty obvious collecting a looooong list of people just nodding their heads about shit that may be happening has a limited effectiveness.

    IRL friends are honest with each other. Online, not always so much. It’s important to know the difference.

    RWs last blog post..Chicago’s TopChef

  10. Willie G Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:51 am

    I am the trusted listener. I can so relate to being the trapper-keeper, except I have learned to be the garbage disposal. I just let pass in, showing empathy and understanding if possible while it all is grinding around, and then pass right down the drain. I try to be a good friend and remember that I had the conversation, but release the details and the burden. :???:

    Willie Gs last blog post..10 Things to be HAPPY about

  11. kim Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:54 am

    I’m freakin crazy. You can go on living.

    This makes it sound like I am the rescuer. I am not. I am the person that people bitch to about other people, because I never say anything, I just assume that they needed to vent.

    Good luck with your quiet, no drama day. Hope it works out that way.
    I really need to get a feed reader so that I can catch these posts you take down.

  12. suze Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:07 am

    I think I play a different role for different people. Usually I’m a good listener, although lately, due to one major stressor and some pretty minor ones that wouldn’t be a big deal if it were not for this major one, my psychic energy is pretty much tied up in keeping me sane, leaving very little room left over for listening to other people. And it sucks, because I know one friend really needs a listener at the moment, and I can’t be that for her right now.

    Which is a very convoluted way of saying you are NOT the only freaking crazy person here… (See, even when trying to reassure someone else right now I make it all about me. My therapist needs to get the fuck back in town, and fast…)

    suzes last blog post..just to give you a hint about what today has been like already…

  13. John Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:46 am

    Kyle: “Let me out Cartman, you A-hole!!”

    Trapper Keeper Metamorphosed Cartman: “I’m afraid I can’t do that Kyle.”

    : )

    Johns last blog post..Blahger’s Block

  14. Hilly Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Patty: Oh that whole “playing a part” and “wearing a mask” is something that I am way too familiar with as well.

    Dawg: Now that lunchtime is over, I wonder if you really did stay away from Burger King or not. :wink:

    Tori: Of course you didn’t do ANYTHING to stress me out yesterday. Heck, your email was refreshing! I used to be the saver and the fixer as well but it got too tiring.

    Britt: That’s probably a good thing…means you are muti-faceted! :mrgreen:

    Avitable: Still, it’s the best comment I’ve seen in days, and it fits perfectly. So twice is nice!

    Delmer: Well that’s a good quality!

    Dave: Yes, of course we are mad at each other. Thanks a lot for that. :roll:

    Finn: I think that I have a few roles as well. Another one of them being “the nice one”…that is a hard one to break out of.

    RW: There could not have been a better day for you to say what you just did. I think we all pussy-foot around each other way too much online, just like you said. If someone in my everyday life offline asked me what I thought of their actions, I’d tell them but somehow when it gets done online, we’re fucking terrorists.

    Willie G: I somehow need to become a garbage disposal. My problem is that I remember everything that everyone tells me. It’s a gift and a curse.

    Kim: Ha, the feed reader is the best way to “catch me in the act”. The no drama day is not exactly working out but it is way better than yesterday so there is that!

    suze: Isn’t it funny how, when we are going through crap ourselves, we become the antithesis of what we were? Okay maybe not everyone but when I am going through stuff, I am the worst listener ever…I need to work on that.

    John: Cartman is exactly who I had in mind when I wrote this…and when I talked about sand in my vagina. “Kyle, why do you always have sand in your vagina?”.

  15. SJ Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    Among my friends and family, my role is The Enigma. No one understands why I am the way I am. No one “gets” me. I’ve even been told, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

    Most of the time, neither do I.

    SJs last blog post..Unsunny California

  16. Motley Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    I have that role too! I’m also the Relationship Guru, the Problem Solver, and the “Here’s Your Gas Money!” Girl.

    I guess I’m just well-rounded.

    And broke, due to that last one.

    Motleys last blog post..HNT - At the Mall!

  17. Mad William Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    I don’t think I allow enough people to be friends, to have a role. If I did, I would be the “stand offish one”. :wink:

    Mad Williams last blog post..Did I Just Hear Your Eyes Roll?

  18. Winter Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    I’ve been the trapper keeper. I don’t have enough friends anymore for that to be true much these days. And I did kinda go “oh, crap” when I realized I too had given you a secret to hold. Well, I tell it if people get close enough to it. I just don’t offer it up as blog fodder or anything because… hell. It probably would be the thing that people would go EWWW over and never come back to my blog. Not everyone is as understanding about things as you are. There are a lot of people who wouldn’t believe my story, or would say they did and then tell everyone behind my back that they think I’m a you know what. I appreciate the fact that you looked me in the eye and believed me. A lot of my ’so called’ friends at the time didn’t.

    Winters last blog post..Too Much

  19. Hilly Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    SJ: But that’s okay, isn’t it? I mean, we’re all changing and evolving and it just seems like you embrace that more than others at times.

    Motley: I snorted at the last part. I did not have a car for a few years back in my late 20’s and I too was “gas money girl”.

    Mad William: Well, it’s a role nonetheless, right? :grin:

    Winter: First of all, my other role in life is “knows when people are lying to her” girl. But even so, I had no reason to distrust what you said and so I did not! And please don’t feel bad about confiding in me. I don’t want anyone to feel that way….it’s just that usually I get maybe one or two big reveals a month but this last week has been a mess, sistah!

  20. Winter Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:37 pm

    I don’t feel bad confiding in you. The oh crap was more of a… geez I’m just like everyone else! I think I’d rather be unique. HEH. If I didn’t like who you are, I wouldn’t have spilled the beans.

    Winters last blog post..Too Much

  21. Sharon Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    I’ve not often had a whole group of friends. Generally, it’s more often been the case that I have a bunch of friends who either don’t know each other at all or only know one another through me (& are not friends independent of me).

    That said, if my role is anything, I’d guess most of my friends consider me either “the quirky one” because in many ways my life has not followed a conventional path, or they consider me “the smart one.” If I had a dollar for every time a friend has told me “you’re smart; you’ll know what to do about this,” I could quit my day job. :lol: And this includes asking for relationship advice. . . . something which, IMHO, intelligence doesn’t often figure in.

    Sharons last blog post..My mosaic

  22. hello haha narf Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    i think i am the wild one and also the problem fixer and the confidant. although i am not really sure because i have so many different circles of friends.

    a few years ago a friend told me something that happened when we were much younger. my jaw hit the table, i was beyond shell shocked. she couldn’t understand my surprise and said, “but i told you right after it happened, why are you acting all confused?” turns out, when someone says, “this is just between us, you can never repeat it” i actually forget it in order to not break the trust! (wonder what that says about me…)

    p.s. thanks for the knowledge that i can come to you anytime. with anything.

    hello haha narfs last blog post..What A Girl Needs

  23. Dragon Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    My friends call me the priest or the confessor so I know how you feel. I take it as a compliment

    And, no, you’re not insane, just delightfully crazy. :grin:

    Dragons last blog post..Jail, mounting disappointment or just plain fun?

  24. Iron Fist Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    Is this another Scorpio trait, being able to keep a huge number of other people’s secrets? And to appear trustworthy enough that people will automatically come to you with those secrets for safekeeping? I sit on what seems like an absolutely enormous volume of other people’s secrets sometimes.

    Otherwise I largely find myself falling into the role of That Pragmatic Guy who Handles All The Logistics and/or Figures Out a Solution. I think this role is largely self-imposed. Jeez, this is just a great big stupid comment now. Ugh.

  25. Shelli Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    A) Whatever you are, I’m glad I have you.

    B) I saw that post in my reader and when I clicked over, I was wondering if I had lost my mind because I couldn’t find the post.

    C) I don’t know what I am in my world of friends. If you know, could you tell me? Right now I feel like chief PR/Damage Control person.

    Shellis last blog post..Yesterday in the PRB…

  26. Hilly Says:
    June 13th, 2008 at 7:10 am

    Winter: Oh you’re still in a class of your own (said lovingly).

    Sharon: OMG, you hit the nail on the head perfectly! Even the smartest people don’t know how to do relationships at times :).

    hello: I think I mentioned above that I haven’t the ability to forget anything, dammit…cause that part would rock it!

    Dragon: I guess you are right…it is a very good thing!

    Vahid: Hahaha, your comment was not stupid at all and yes, I think it is a Scorpio trait or something.

    Shelli: I have no idea…in the SSP, it seems like you are the nice one that likes everybody…which is a good thing to be.

  27. Dory Says:
    June 28th, 2008 at 7:27 am

    This post made me decide to put you in my reader. You’re mostest hawsum.

Leave a Reply