June 9th, 2008

Forgive Me Love, If I Cry In Your Shower…

Sometime around the middle of last week, I lost it.

I was sitting at my computer, not even paying attention to the words on my screen when my mind drifted off to a very forbidden place filled with tabu emotions and fruitless desires.  As I realized that I was treading down a path where I’d promised my heart we wouldn’t go, I rapidly snapped myself back into the land of firm reality.  Unfortunately, I think I sped back from my daydream way too quickly, causing a major traffic accident between my heart and my soul.

Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed.  You know the kind of crying where you just can’t catch your breath no matter how hard you try?  My immediate instinct was to dash off to the kitchen to find my phone and call Karl, and that is exactly what I did.  Although I don’t remember the exact words that came out of my mouth, I know that they centered around confusion, pain, and the fear of utter loneliness.  We only talked briefly as it was one of those moments that Karl is all too familiar with….one where I don’t need him to say all of the right words, but rather to listen while I cry.   And he did. Within five minutes of hanging up, this was dropped into my Gmail Inbox:

Just wanted to say that I know you can do anything. You’re one of the strongest people I know. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course.

Love you,
K

And yes yes, let’s all take a moment to gush over how sweet my best bud is but after that, there’s a point I want to make.  When I read that email, I actually thought to myself, “Yes I am strong. I can indeed do anything and everything if I just put one foot in front of the other, dammit!“.  And so, this being a truth that I was vehemently sold on, I began to wonder then, why the hell I had been hysterically lost just minutes before.  Don’t get me wrong…you all know that I think crying and getting those emotions out are fucking awesome but why so damned hysterical?

Then it hit me…..

I’d not been stuffing my emotions with food for a few days.  Actually, I’d not stuffed them with booze either.  I’d decided to dedicate myself to losing weight this time, no matter what came my way and in doing so, the voids weren’t getting filled up before I could truly feel them.  It was like this huge beacon of light came down from heaven above and I said, “Puhraiiiise Jayyy-zus!” because I finally understood what I had been doing to myself all of these years.

Later, I recounted this emotional upheaval to yet another good friend and in talking to him about it, I had this huge epiphany!  I just want to live in every emotion, breathe it in, deal with feelings as they come and be completely in real moments rather than walking through life avoiding it all by stuffing it with one thing or the other.  Whether it be blissful elation that makes my whole being sing or gut-wrenching pain that seems to physically break my heart, I want to actually be in my own moments, for Christ’s sake.*  I know that it won’t always be easy….in fact, it probably will be more difficult than anything else but I’m ready to grow up just a little bit more and handle this shit!  So we’re back to me living my life to its fullest and beaming at the fact that I know life needs to be about so much more than “settling”.  Mediocrity is no longer an option. Life needs to be lived happily, not just surviving….fucking living. (When did I turn into Lance Armstrong?).

In any case, I’ll step down off of my rose-colored soapbox now.  If you’ve read this whole thing, you’ve just taken a trip into the madness of my mind….please grab a mint on the way out.  Oh, and one last thing?  Making the decision to live through those emotions without food as a weapon turned out to be a very good thing.  My official Jenny Craig weight loss for my first week back on the program was a total of 8.4 pounds! Who’s the big winner? I am, thanks!

Waxing Prosaic Kisses,
Me

* If I take the Lord’s name in vain one more time today, I may get struck down.

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly on Love | Comments (34)

34 Responses to “Forgive Me Love, If I Cry In Your Shower…”

  1. sizzle Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Congratulations on the weight loss and seeing the light- it’s not so easy!

    And thanks for the mint. ;)
    sizzles last blog post..Just Call Me Constance

  2. Dave2 Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    I still prefer to drown my undesirable emotional states with alcohol until they go away. I’m not ready to grow up and actually have to deal with stuff. Some would criticize me harshly for this behavior, but I’m okay with it. I don’t have a wife and 2.5 kids that require me to be any kind of responsible, so the only person it would be hurting is me. So if I am okay with it and don’t let it spill over on anybody else’s life, then more power to me.

    Dave2s last blog post..Bullet Sunday 84

  3. whall Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    At the intersection of Snackie Blvd and Whall Way lies the Internet traffic cop of analogies.

    He let’s you off with a warning, and as he smiles, his teeth betray his lunch, which was a blog burger and snark salad.

    whalls last blog post..VLOG Episode #2: Wayne’s 3-minute DITL

  4. Patty Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    Way to go on your loss this week Hilly! That’s so awesome! Maybe I should think about that too….hmmmm but it’s the money issue as jc is pretty pricey.
    I do the the food/issues stuff down the emotions too at times…but I’m getting better at just feeling and voicing my feelings. Still hard to do all the time.

  5. kim Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    Congrats on the loss. And good luck with the emotions… I hate that shit.

  6. John Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 5:03 pm

    Your Zen moment:

    Whatever it is, it’s okay. Let me feel it.

    Good for you dealing with your emotions straight on. And congrats on the 8.4! You have two successes to be proud of. Way to go Hil. : ))

    And the mints are good here. : )

    Johns last blog post..Blahger’s Block

  7. Nat Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    Oh girl, living in the now is hard. But so worthwhile in the long run. Well done.

    Hang in there (and well done on the 8.4 pounds.)

    Nats last blog post..Smells like declining readership

  8. Finn Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    I bet you feel lighter in more ways than one. I believe you’ve come upon something HUGE and very important here. Congratulations!

    Finns last blog post..And The Living Is Easy—Er

  9. Winter Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    I’m so jealous. I want Karl for a best friend. Mine has abandoned me after 15 years. So pardon me if I take a moment to revel in my emotions, since Hilly says it’s okay to do so…

    FUCK YOU, ROSS, YOU ANAL BUTTHEAD.

    Okay, I’m over it now. But I’m still envious over Karl. And I’d rather have bacon than mint… and BTW, 8.4 pounds? YOU RAWK DARLIN’!

    Winters last blog post..Hug Me Marcus

  10. kat Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    gosh, we should all be so lucky to have friends as awesome as yours, and to be as strong and determined as you. very awesomely done.

    also, what dave2 said.

  11. kilax Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 7:31 pm

    I love mints. :)

    Great job on your first week! There have been a few times in my life when I felt like shit and didn’t eat a ton of food and just realizing that made me feel better. It really means a lot. I’m proud of you! *hugs*

    kilaxs last blog post..Amigos nuevos?

  12. Dragon Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    You’re amazing. Congratulations on your weight loss so far.

    Dragons last blog post..Seven Deadly Sins Dinner

  13. SJ Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    Let’s get the important stuff out of the way first: Those damn well better be Godiva Chocoiste Dark Chocolate & Mint Pearls you’re handing out. Or at least Andes. A mint without chocolate is just a glorified TicTac.

    I am currently struggling to regain my belief that I *can* stick with a program (any program!) long enough to actually lose significant weight. I keep sabotaging myself. I deeply envy you for both your epiphany and your weight loss. Not to mention your inner strength. Congratulations, hon.

    SJs last blog post..Meme: Mosaic

  14. SJ Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    Also? I envy you for having Karl’s phone number.

    SJs last blog post..Meme: Mosaic

  15. Dagny Says:
    June 9th, 2008 at 10:37 pm

    Congrats on your weight loss. And a bigger congrats on now realizing what your coping mechanisms are. Because we all have them.

    I’m so about feeling everything. Even if that feeling is a crappy one.

    Dagnys last blog post..Summer in the PRB*

  16. Avitable Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 5:32 am

    I don’t drown my sorrow with chocolate and cheeseburgers. I deal with stress with chocolate and cheeseburgers. Otherwise, I’d probably be totally gray at the young age of 31. But I know what you mean. And congratulations on the weight loss!

    Avitables last blog post..Help me out, fuckers

  17. Miss Britt Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 6:00 am

    Why did this post not show up in my reader?!? Damn it.

    ANYway…

    I’m really proud of you. For the weight loss, for the courage to stand there and take your emotions… for all of it.

    That’s a really tough thing to do. It’s so, so much easier to just escape it.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Is This What U2 Meant By “Stuck In A Moment”?

  18. radioactive tori Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 7:05 am

    Good for you for both your victories. Weight loss is great, but I think feeling your emotions is the even greater victory.

    Sometimes it takes someone else reminding you to remember how much you are worth. I know it works like that for me. I can feel completely down and spiral into a complete emotional freakout, and all it takes to snap me out of it and make me wonder what the hell my problem was is someone close to me reminding me that I am worth it, whatever it is.

    Anyway, you are lucky to have such a wonderful friend that not only listens to you and makes you feel heard, but then follows it up with such a supportive email.

    radioactive toris last blog post..Questionable T-Shirt Writings

  19. Lady Jaye Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 7:38 am

    You inspire me so much!

    Lady Jayes last blog post..They Say It’s Your Birthday

  20. Lisa Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 7:51 am

    First of all, congratulations on recognizing that you have emotions and for dealing with them.

    Second…congratulations on not eating emotionally and losing weight as a result…in a healthy way.

    I could go to a third but I’m sitting here wondering why I always read your posts and start to really think about what’s going on in my own head.

    You always make me think Hilly…something I don’t want to do but really need to do. Something I really, really, really need to do.

    Thanks for sharing your story…you are inspiring :)
    Lisas last blog post..Memes and Solidarity

  21. Penelope Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Well done girlie! You’re really turning into a top bird huh? ;o)
    There’s no way to say this without sounding patronising - just take it that I’m not being…okay? I am so proud of you for this! This growing up thing is bloody hard work and none of us have the answers, we’re all making it up as we go along. Thanks for sharing one of the answers :o)

    Penelopes last blog post..Whomever this slipper fits.

  22. suze Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 9:29 am

    Yay for feeling your emotions - it’s so key. It’s hard, but it’s so key. Rock it girl!

    suzes last blog post..my weekend was sucky, how about yours…

  23. Hilly Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 9:56 am

    Sizzle: Hey, I like to leave you all with *something*!

    Dave: I hope you know that *I* am not one of those people that would criticize you at all. I just don’t think that *I* will ever be happy until I stop eating my emotions away.

    Wayne: Woohoo for analogoies and metaphors…yours are welcome here any time!

    Patty: It is pricey but with groceries being so expensive these days, it sort of evens out a bit.

    Kim: I hate that shit too!

    John: I am trying to be more and more zen-like every day…it’s not always easy being cheesy.

    Nat: It is hard to live in the now. I’ve got a few situations that are causing me to not look too far into what the future holds and it’s oddly okay right now to be this way.

    Finn: I hope I’ve learned something important, otherwise I’m gonna have to start all over again!

    Winter: Hey, if you can’t vent here, where can you vent? I’ll give you Karl on loan but I have to ask him first.

    kat: I am definitely lucky and happy to be going through a good period of life. And I have a little of what Dave said too…it’s not like I will NEVER drink again…puhlese ;).

    Kilax: It means a helluva lot to me that you are proud of me, so thank you.

    Dragon: And YOU are too kind :).

    SJ: Uhmmm, do you think *I* would hand out the cheap mints? I think not, sistah! As for struggling, I do it all of the time. Maybe my life circumstances just make it easier this time. (and you don’t have Karl’s number???)

    Dagny: Yeah it’s been crazy to just ride things out this last week and a half..but you know what? Those moments of happiness are so intensified that it is worth it!

    Britt: Oh man, it is totally easier to escape it. I wish I could say that I’ll be this courageous every day but right now, it’s a moment by moment thing…like you mentioned in your post.

    Avitable: Thanks, mister! And yeah, I wish I just did what you did but I pretty much drown in cupcakey goodness or whatever else I need to stuff my face with to make it all go away.

    Tori: You hit the nail on the head. Lately, a couple of people have been reminding me of that and it has absolutely changed my life.

    Lady Jaye: WooHoo, I like being someone’s inspiration!

    Lisa: I guess we do that for each other because YOU have caused me to think and react as well.

    Penelope: You don’t sound patronizing at all because I know exactly what you mean :).

    Suze: Thanks, sistah…I think I *will* rock it, indeed!

  24. Motley Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 1:05 pm

    I’ve been through things that no child should ever have to go through and whenever I tell someone of these things, I always make sure to mention that they have made me a stronger and wiser person. Maybe not emotionally stable, but stronger. I won’t go in to what they are, but suffice it to say some are very dark.

    I’m only 19 and I have had my fair share of emotional breakdowns. One of them in the last month. I lose sight of the fact that I am a strong person and can find a way through my hardships. [My mom will brush this off as teenage dramatics. Some of it anyway.]

    Sometimes all you need is someone to listen, and I’m glad you have someone. Now, all that’s left to do is strut your stuff. =]

    Motleys last blog post..Weekend Review- Beaches & Pimps

  25. Denise Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    If only I could get past my fear that, if I ever truly lived in my emotions that the tears wouldn’t stop and I’d descend into madness…

    I congratulate you for climbing that mountain and seeing the beautiful view from the top; one day, I hope to join you up there. :smile:

    Denises last blog post..If I ruled the world, Part III

  26. Mad William Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    I’m envying you right now. I tend to let my emotions get the better of me. It’s too much. :???:

    All my best Hill

    Mad Williams last blog post..It’s Not Just The Thought That Counts…

  27. turnbaby Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Congrats on your weight loss sugar. Even more on your revelation. That’s just so wonderful.

    turnbabys last blog post..A Little Bulletin Is A Good Thing

  28. hello haha narf Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    i am so very proud of you. for so many things. can’t wait to see you in ny.

    hello haha narfs last blog post..What A Girl Needs

  29. hello haha narf Says:
    June 10th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    p.s. this was an excellent post, hilly. and karl is truly a prize.

    hello haha narfs last blog post..What A Girl Needs

  30. kapgar Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 4:33 am

    Damn right you’re the winner! And taking the Lord’s name is only strikedown-worthy if you’re using it to disparage him. If you’re celebrating, he digs it. That’s just my take as I’m sure I’d have been struck down dead years ago if it were the other way around. ;-)

    kapgars last blog post..Here I am, stuck in the middle…

  31. sue Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 8:18 am

    Congrats on the weight loss! …and wow. It is always wonderful to realize these things about ourselves. Wish I could do a better job of it myself. Good for you, Hilly!

    sues last blog post..Why Can’t We Have a Happy Medium?

  32. metalmom Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    This is one of the rare times that I can say that I am happy for your loss!

    metalmoms last blog post..Blue and Sheila Save the Day!

  33. Shelli Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 9:07 pm

    I love you, Hilly. I love that you had this epiphany. Selfishly, I love that you had it for me. You put it out here that so someday, when it happens to me, it will be closer and I can grab it and say, “WOW, this is what Hilly was talking about!”

    And the weight lost FUCKING awesome! I didn’t take the Lord’s name in vain. Woo hoo!

    Shellis last blog post..Bones

  34. Karl Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    Aw, hell, girl. You know how it is. :oops:

    Karls last blog post..Oh hell

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