June 24th, 2008

Jinkies, Where Are My Glasses?

Whenever I look at a picture, my focus immediately goes to the primary object, especially if that “object” is a person that I know.  Even then, I look at them more deeply than I should, examining the smile behind their eyes or the fact that they have one sleeve rolled up but not the other.  It just seems to be what I do.  I find things underneath the surface and whatnot.  Eventually, my focus dissipates and I allow my eyes to roam, taking in the rest of the picture.  I take the silliest pleasure in being able to notice the small things in the background, like the half eaten peanut butter sandwich or that envelope with my name on it.  I’ll scan to see what other information I can garner from your 800×600 pixelated moment, but not because I’m a crazy stalker or anything like that.  It’s more like…I’m always examining every angle of everything all of the damned time.

You know what gets lost in moments like those?  Yes, you guessed it…the big picture.  It’s strange that I can’t look at some things and enjoy them without acting as if I’m reading Highlights magazine.  Part of me knows that it’s due to that nagging little detective in me who always feels as if she truly is Velma, that foxy smart chick from Scooby Doo.  If I want to, I can pretty much figure almost anything out, but the real question that has come up in my mind today is…do I want to?  Actually, if I want to dive into this even further, do I need to?

It’s no secret that I may sorta kinda slightly maybe have some control issues.  While I don’t want to control other people, I get downright frustrated and scared if I’m not at least controlling every little thing that relates to me.  However, lately I’ve had almost absolutely no control over anything in my life and it’s starting to make me a little bit feistier than usual.  Please don’t get me wrong…I’m not playing the victim here while I cry “oh, woe is me”.  When I say that I have no control over certain things, it’s because I’ve chosen to relinquish it rather than chase the elusive hope that I can make things go my way all of the time by analyzing them to death.

I’ve recently found myself in a situation where there is absolutely no control whatsoever and you know what?  I kind of like it.  I’ve let go of the whole “what am i doing”, “what happens next”, “what does this mean?” type of shit and have just allowed myself to be in my moments, enjoying them for what they are.  Yeah yeah, I know I don’t fool you…there is always a little voice in the back of my head but I am trying to just not listen to it all of the damned time.  Right now, my life is a huge fucking mess.  While some of that mess is just a bunch of pain and confusion, mixed with eggshells and uncertainty…there is another side of it.  It’s like the mess that gets made on Sunday mornings when you decide to read the whole paper in bed and maybe even eat there too.  Not all messes are bad….you just have to take into consideration how they were made in the first place!

I have no idea what is about to happen in my life…none.  So much is changing while so much remains the same.  Dave often uses the quote “wherever you go, there you are” and I find myself thinking about that a lot lately.  Just because there are pieces of me that are shattered and spread everywhere does not mean that they won’t all fall back together to form Hilly all over again.  Wherever I end up, I will still have those precious pieces of me to hold on to when it seems that I forget where I am or wonder why I am alone.

The truth is that I’m strong.  The truth is that I’m so scared right now that I’m crying as I type this.  The truth is that my heart breaks and smiles all at the same time.  The truth is that some days I want to slay dragons while others I just want to hide behind my prince.  The truth is that part of me loves.  The truth is that the other part of me can’t feel a damned thing.  The truth is that I pretty much talk about all of my feelings.  The truth is that I’m scared to say how I really feel too.  The truth is…I am Hilly and wherever I go, I’ll still be me.

Nutter Butter Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (20)

20 Responses to “Jinkies, Where Are My Glasses?”

  1. Avitable Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    You’ll always still be you! The girl who masturbates at work and can type “stewardesses”.

    Avitables last blog post..I must be premenstrual

  2. Sharon Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    “I’ve recently found myself in a situation where there is absolutely no control whatsoever and you know what? I kind of like it.”

    On the rare occasions in my life when I have been able to relinquish control–because like you, I “may sorta kinda slightly maybe have some control issues”–it has been very freeing. Makes me think I should do it more often and ignore that little voice in my head. :idea:

    I am only an email away if you want to vent.

    Sharons last blog post..Monday, Monday

  3. Poppy Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 5:19 pm

    I have the biggest stupid grin on my face from behind my bowl of mashed potatoes.

    Hold onto that appreciation of the mess of your life, it’s what will get you through the really hard stuff that’s to come.

    And, I’m here if you want to talk.

    Poppys last blog post..guess what?!

  4. Amber Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    Hilly,

    This entry moved me more than I care to admit.

    Suffice to say, while I don’t know the exact circumstances in your life, I can certainly empathize with the feelings behind all of it.

    Even though it’s “Snackie’s World” - you’re not alone in it, either. There are so many people that care about you and love you exactly the way you are - some old acquaintances of years… some new to you (like me) but it’s still a fact.

    If you need to vent or cry or talk, pop me off an email and I’ll be emailing you my cell number, just in case you can’t get a hold of Karl and so on.

    *BIG HUGS* for you, sweetie.

    Keep your chin up, your shoulders back, and your eyes focused - you are a force to be reckoned with, hon, and don’t YOU forget it! :)
    Ambers last blog post..My Weekend… With Pictures!

  5. Lisa Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    Oh how well I understand what it’s like to have no control over what’s going on with your life and all the emotions that go with it.

    There are times when I feel as if I’m 5 seconds from a nervous breakdown and others where I feel as if I can rule the world.

    No matter how I feel I am assured that I take myself with me.

    Lisas last blog post..Over the Tracks

  6. Mattie Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    I got nuthin.

    Well a virtual hug … will that suffice for my lack of intelligent input?

    Words escape me when I see someone suffering so much.

    But I have faith in you that this will all work out. Somehow. You won’t allow anything else to happen. Right?

    Matties last blog post..I Fixed It!

  7. Dragon Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Slay dragons? Gulp! :shock: [dragon hides under her blanket]

    Dragons last blog post..Seven Deadly Sins Dinner

  8. Winter Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    Dave is right. That saying means that the moment is important. It has a power you can’t know or unleash unless you acknowledge the moment. Sometimes the moment is what life is all about, because in the end, all of the moments coalesce and become the quilt of your existence. Then you can wrap it around yourself and curl up in a chair and have nutter butter cookies and coffee and your favorite TV show. I think you know what I mean, even though it’s not easy for me to articulate. Live the moment. Love the moment. In the end, it will give back to you. I don’t think I need to tell you to embrace what’s in your heart. I know you want to, and I know you are already doing so in many little ways. Those who love you will always be your string so you can be the kite that soars.

    Winters last blog post..Old Is New Again

  9. Karl Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 6:33 pm

    There is a great deal of peace that can come from letting go and just going with the flow. I tend to like to control things, too, but I’ve gotten much better at just winging it in certain situations. BrittCon, for example. Britt booked the hotel and the flight and she’s really doing a lot of legwork planning out the various things we want to do. I’m cool with that.

    Love you muchly.

    Karls last blog post..100 Things About Karl, Part Nine

  10. suze Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    I’m working on control issue stuff right now myself…it’s not easy to just let go, but like you say, there is joy and freedom in the now, in the letting go in the moment. I hope you find the way soon.

    Also, your last sentence - it’s so true. Where ever you go, you’ll be Hilly, and Hilly is pretty awesome. Hold on to that :)
    suzes last blog post..sometimes you can’t make it on your own…

  11. Willie G Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    Some people say there is freedom in giving up control and just letting things be as there going to be; the whole que sara, sara thingy. That’s far too defeatist to me. I find that I can create a sense of control in any situation if I take the time to understand 2 things: first, what are all the potential outcomes that could result from my current situation, and second, how would I deal with or respond to each of those scenarios. Now instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen to me, I am ready to be proactive and prepare to make my own way.

    Sorry for the speech. I’ll sit down now. Sending encouragement your way. Peace. :mrgreen:

    Willie Gs last blog post..And now he knows… or not

  12. Employee No. 3699 Says:
    June 24th, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    Velma was the fox? Who knew.

    I love your Sunday morning analogy. You have a gift with words.

    I don’t know you, nor do I know what you’re going through. The only thing I do know is that the only thing that stays the same is change.

    Some changes are for the good, and some not. The thing that I believe is that you can’t appreciate the good without having the bad. If everything were perfect…what would be the point?

    “Wherever I end up, I will still have those precious pieces of me to hold on to…” And you will, and you’ll be even stronger for it.

    I wish you the best through this trying time.

    Linda~

    As a side note, I really love what Winter had to say.

    Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Huh?

  13. DutchBitch Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 12:06 am

    Wow Hon, that was SOME strong post! And for what it’s worth: the messes in my life (and there have been several) have in the end made me stronger and a better version of myself. Huge Smooch!

    DutchBitchs last blog post..Well, at least there was some badass…

  14. kat Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 4:37 am

    I work with someone who says something similar: “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.” Of course, this doesn’t really help you figure out exactly where it is you’re supposed to be going, but then again, I don’t think you need to have everything figured out.

    You’ll get there when it’s time.

  15. Miss Britt Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 5:38 am

    I love that you’re strong, but I still hate that you’re scared right now. I get that it’s necessary and I’m glad you have faith in yourself.

    But I hate it for you still.

    Miss Britts last blog post..A Public Service Announcement Brought To You By Mexico and The Oompa Loompas.

  16. Foo Diddy Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 7:17 am

    As you know, I’m a major control freak and 7 years ago, I couldn’t control anything. I just put one foot in front of the other and had to remind myself to actually breathe. I let strangers help me. I let my parents take care of me. I really started deepening my friendships and that got me through the worst time in my life. It’s a big ass rough patch and your shift in the way you think is exactly what is going to get you through it. Love you.

    Foo Diddys last blog post..McFatalicious

  17. Aim Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 7:45 am

    Oh, how I feel your pain and KNOW exactly what you are trying to say in this post.

    I’m here with you. I feel your pain. I too am very scared. It’s the unknown that is scariest for me.

    All these changes coming ahead and were beyond MY control. A lot of it seems so unfair but then I always try to remember that everything happens for a reason.

    That reason for being where you are and where I’m at right now? Don’t know, but we’ll figure it out someday!

    Take care Hilly. I’ll be thinking about you.
    Aim

  18. Finn Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 9:35 am

    The truth is, right now I just want to hug you.

    Sometimes you have to fall apart before you can truly be whole. Plywood — layers of wood bonded togethe — is stronger than a piece of solid wood in the same size. When you fall apart, you get rid of those pieces that are making you weaker and keep those that make you stronger.

    You know you always have your friends to hold up up until you can do it yourself. xo

    Finns last blog post..And Loving It!

  19. radioactive tori Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 9:37 am

    I think I am the opposite of you on this. I am very go with the flow, and never really seem to have a plan for anything. Which sort of makes me look like a slacker sometimes because I can’t quite pin down where I am headed on anything. In fact, when I need to make plans for something, it sort of makes my chest feel all tight and makes it hard for me to breathe.

    I’m sorry you are scared right now, but I am happy that I know you are strong, and will be able to get through anything and end up in a good place. I will think strong happy thoughts for you and of course if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know!

    radioactive toris last blog post..Busting Out Slammin Hip Hop Moves

  20. Nat Says:
    June 25th, 2008 at 10:40 am

    Be true to you, at the end of the day, you are the only thing you really control.

    Being scared is a good thing, I reckon it forces us to push the envelope. Best line from a reality show ever… ‘If you can’t get over the fear, you are just going to have to do it afraid.’

    Nats last blog post..It may be the beer talking…

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