July 23rd, 2008

Kicked Off My Shoes, Shut Reason Out…

I tend to blog in the moment.  Whatever is going on inside of my head and heart immediately spills out onto this page with a fervor and honesty like nothing you’ve ever seen.  Okay, maybe you’ve seen “fervor and honesty” elsewhere but still, you’re totally picking up what I’m putting down.  Today is one of those days that I just feel like dumping out my heart all over this page while I watch it bleed the color of every emotion contained within.  You know what though?  I’m not going to do it.  I am going to take the “raw” and the confusion and put it somewhere else until it stops hurting just a little bit, then I’ll say what I have to say.  Yanno…once I’ve calmed the fuck down and the words that come out of my mouth won’t be something by which I am embarrassed later.

This is a hard thing for me to do.  I’m stepping outside of my comfort bubble to be a better person and maybe grow a little today.  I just asked Karl if he is more likely to post in the moment or to wait until he’s gathered his thoughts…I mean, where emotional moments are concerned.  He thinks he waits.  He thinks that I never wait, yet mask everything I am trying to say under a very cryptic and layered costume.  He may just be right.

I’m not a thinker. I’m a feeler.
I don’t look. I leap.
I don’t walk. I run.

Sometimes being this type of a person gets you into trouble and other times it’s one of the best things in the world.  It’s about knowing when to just walk away, letting your words softly hit the floor behind you.  I’m slowly starting to realize that not everyone needs to hear how I feel about everything right this very second.  Maybe if we all slowed down and thought about what we want to say just a little bit more, we’d get along better?  Fuck if I know…I’m new to this “holding it in for a moment” business.  As you can tell, I’m not exactly doing *that* well at it either because I had to come here and at least say something.  I don’t know what to do with the pain when I’m not writing about it.  There are only so many tears a girl can cry, right?  There are only so many times a woman can wish she felt nothing as well.

What do you tend to do?  Do you blog right in your emotional moment or do you think about it all first?  And hey, even if you don’t blog…how do you handle real life shit that falls under these same categories as well?

This Post Is About Me And Not About Anything Else Kisses,
Me

Posted in Cryptic, Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (28)

28 Responses to “Kicked Off My Shoes, Shut Reason Out…”

  1. Karl Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    This is setting a new bar for cryptic. You are the Queen of Cryptic, baby. No one can take that away from you.

    By the way, I can’t believe you posted about that. You’re so in the moment!

    Karls last blog post..As Close As I Am Going to Get to a BlogHer Recap

  2. Nat Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    I love Karl’s reply. Cryptic indeed.

    My blog is usually thought out — it’s fluffy. It’s not my outlet. (The running is.) As I’ve said even if I were to make it less sunshine, lollipops and fart jokes, I’d still think it through. It’s not where I vent.

    As for you my dear, sounds dark and rough. Big hugs. (I’m an email away if you need.)

    Nats last blog post..A dock with a view

  3. Sybil Law Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    I tend to go back and forth. Sometimes I blog in the moment, and sometimes not - it kinda depends on my mood. Although, I am a lot like you as far as my opinions go, so no matter what I am still pretty opinionated.
    Question - do you also have trouble packing, because you don’t know “what you’ll be in the mood to wear” once you get somewhere? So you pack like, 7 pairs of shoes and dresses and shorts and sweats?
    Cause I totally do that. Everything depends on my mood. And oddly enough, overall, I’m not a moody person. That much, at least, I keep in check. I don’t ever want to be the grumpy, moody bitch to people in general, just because I’m feeling that way!

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Can’t Come Up with a Good Title

  4. sam Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    I am very much an emotional poster / commentor (commentator?)

    You’re totally in the moment. LOL

  5. Avitable Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    I think about everything that I say or write if it might be recorded for posterity.

    Avitables last blog post..Look at my package

  6. manager mom Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    My blog is usually on a slight time delay. Partly because I’m a procrastinator, and partly because I need to censor myself from writin every stupid thing that pops into my head.

    I still write MOST of it, but not all.

    manager moms last blog post..I’ve Had The Time Of My Life

  7. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    I’m more like you - evolving. I used to be quite emotional and subsequently overly emotional and angry at times. Now I walk away and come back in most cases. I still slip up here and there though.

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..Dead Bird Ghetto

  8. Miss Britt Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    Not only do I write in the moment - I find that often times I can’t get past the moment until I write about it.

    Which makes for a really fucking annoying cycle.

    *have emotional shitstorm
    *write post set to publish for next day
    *feel better
    *read tons of comments about emotional shitstorm long after it has actually passed.

    Miss Britts last blog post..So… we’re going to talk about abortion

  9. Shash Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    I’ve DEFINITELY leapt long before I looked so I know where you are coming from. But I have to say, sometimes when you are in that moment, and you let it all out, it feels so cleansing! But then the aftermath is a pain to clean up.

    So I admire you for taking a step back and sharing your dilemma. Thank you.

    Shash

  10. adena Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Well, I know what you’re talking about, so I’m not seeing the cryptic here. :)

    But, seriously….I think Karl’s right. You are the queen of the cryptic (but merely a princess of the fantasy heads.)

    To answer your question…I DON’T blog my emotional stuff. Period. I internalize everything. And then I use writing as an outlet. NOT writing about what’s bugging me, but just writing stories.

    Not too many people know most of my emotional stuff.

    adenas last blog post..Teacher, I finished my assignment!

  11. SJ Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    When I get emotionally overwrought, I usually just shut down my blog *forever*. The next day when I feel better, I reopen it.

    Works for me! :roll:

    SJ’s last blog post … Busy schedule

  12. turnbaby Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    I’m the frickin’ Rodin sculpture these days sugar.

    turnbabys last blog post..Everyone Is Everyone

  13. blondefabulous Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    I’m 50/50 on that. It just depends how heavy into the emotions I am at the time.

    Then, there’s my Hubby who says, “STFU, you are such an emotional poster!”

    Thanks hon!

    blondefabulouss last blog post..When Will I Learn???

  14. Sodapop Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    I’m so glad to know I’m not the ONLY one who thinks you can be cryptic. But I find cryptic enthralling sometimes. It makes me think and it brings things to my mind that I sometimes don’t let myself think about. If that makes sense.

    For me, I tend to think about what I’m going to say before I say it. Sometimes, that doesn’t work and I just HAVE to say what I’m thinking/feeling right away. I’ve bled a few veins on my blog and I’m good with it.

    I find it healing and I learn a little bit each time I bleed.

    Sodapops last blog post..I went Rocky Mountain climbing…

  15. John Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Well hon,

    I TRY to consider what I put down very carefully, as I hate getting in trouble for it later. And yet sometimes I still do. And sometimes I get in the kind of trouble that is like unringing a bell. Can’t be done. We’re human. We screw up. I like you JUST. THE. WAY. YOU. ARE. : )

    Johns last blog post..Shifting Her Shape

  16. Sarah Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    I do a little bit of both. If it’s really bothering me and I can’t get past it I’ll write about it and not think and just post it. But if it’s something that I know I shouldn’t post I’ll write it out and save it and in a day or two if it’s still an issue or if I feel like I need to publish it I’ll publish it.
    Maybe I’m a wait and hold it in then person. I don’t really know.

    Sarahs last blog post..Fancy Title

  17. Finn Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Both in blogging and in life, I count to 10 before I commit verbally or in writing because in the moment I’m usually reacting to something, and that means emotion. Taking a moment allows me to sort out how I actually feel about something and to decide whether it’s worth giving a voice to in the first place.

    Finns last blog post..In This Moment

  18. suze Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 8:04 pm

    I’m a little bit of both - sometimes I blog about it, sometimes I sit on it and think about it. And sometimes, like Miss Britt, I can’t move past it until I post. As evidenced by my post yesterday. I got it out and I can move on, but until I’d blogged about it, I couldn’t. I hate that it sometimes works that way, but there it is.

    Bottom line? This is your blog - blog about what and how you want. We’re here for you.

    suzes last blog post..dream a little dream of me…

  19. NYCWD Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    This is really an interesting question… because I think that I do both.

    For awhile… I was totally in the moment. Whether it be sadness, anger, and sometimes joy… it got pounded out on the keyboard. Then, after awhile, I realized that I had said things in a way that I saw wasn’t necessarily complete and therefore not truly accurate.

    So I started thinking out my posts. I started timing them and drafting and so on, to make sure that what was in my head was being as completely and properly conveyed. These types of posts, for the most part, turn into novellas… which people end up not reading entirely anyway… sort of how this comment is going.

    Then I started “dumbing” down my posts… trying to keep them shorter and to the point as possible. Unfortunately, that leaves out backstory which is what can help the reader understand how I got to where I am and why I was saying what I was saying.

    Finally… I think there is a balance that each person needs to find. I think I’m posting now in a mix. I have my emotional days, I have my novella researched days, and I have the days when I try to keep it simple without too much information overload.

    I don’t think its unusual to go from one mentality to another. I consider it evolution.

    So now that I have written a post in your comments, for which I apologize, I’ll slink back to the corner. :wink:

    NYCWDs last blog post..Bulletproven

  20. Catherine Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:36 am

    I think out every last God damned thing. When I’m posting or commenting online or writing an email, I’m writing, as a writer. I compose, I redraft, I tweak and edit. I’ve modified rules (they are faaar more liberal) for online life, but it’s still me writing. This is an interesting question. Even if what I’m writing is highly charged emotionally, fresh and happening right this second, it is still perceived by me as being composed, in both senses of the word.

    Catherines last blog post..“Only Connect.” - E.M. Forster

  21. othurme Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:21 am

    I plan every post for two weeks and then I still have nothing to say.

    othurmes last blog post..Kick Down Some Buckets

  22. Crys Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:46 am

    i think i would agree somewhat with Karl, in that i get the general sense through your writing that you are struggling with certain things, but don’t know exactly what they are and feel you’re pretty guarded about most of it. but i also feel that’s completely ok.

    i used to blog in the moment all the time. good lord, somewhere in some ghostly internet town there are reams of poetry i used to write about the state-of-things-as-they-were; i used to have blogs with hundreds of members who would listen to every word of every painful thing i’d say. they’d listen to the other stuff, too — they just listened. i think i needed to know people were there.

    i don’t know what changed. well, i guess it was me, in that it suddenly wasn’t as important that i “put my stuff” somewhere, like on the internet, but rather that i keep it closer to the chest. i became more guarded. i’m not saying this is good, just what happened. i even edited this paragraph, that’s how guarded i am with information! (i left out the more personal revelation.)

    now when i broach things of importance or emotion, however, i am far more cryptic than you. i guess i feel embarrassed talking about anything deeper than that. i recently went back and watched one of my old videos and couldn’t even STOMACH how “out there” i was, even if it WAS just a character. when did i become so protective of my presentation?

    anyway, you do YOU.

    peace,
    crys

  23. Winter Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:46 am

    I do both. It depends on what I’m writing about usually and how I’m feeling. I don’t spew about work anymore. There are some personal things I don’t write about. I can be very emotional about Motley and my asthma and not having money. Those are often off the cuff posts - in the moment. The posts about my writing tend to be less spontaneous. I do try to look at the post when I’m done with an eye not just to my dropped words and missed commas, but also for what others see when they read it. I’m very editorial so I can spew, but then delete those paragraphs before I hit publish.

    And Karl is right, you do often write about what’s on your mind in a very cryptic manner. I think it’s just part of who you are. I know you don’t like to make any situation any worse than it already is, which is probably why you get cryptic on us. ;)
    Winters last blog post..I’m Full

  24. Jenn Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:29 am

    I try to think about it first. If I blogged without, I’d complain too much and also probably talk too much about my families personal lives. Also, ever since I discovered a not so secret website dedicated to slamming bloggers - myself included - I’ve thought a little bit about who I discussed on my blog. I don’t care what they think/say about ME, but I don’t want them to know too much about other people in my life.

  25. Poppy Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Hilly is my twin sister, except she is an extrovert.

    MOVING ON…

    I have decided to blog at night now, when I have had more time to process all my thoughts from the day.

    My suggestion for you is that you actually write down all that’s in your head!!!!!!!!! omg, get it OUT OF THERE, it’s driving me NUTS, but… uh, don’t publish it here. Keep it to yourself or email it to a friend.

    I’m not embarrassed by anything I posted before I went absolutely insane and took myself offline until I readjusted my brain, but I am disappointed in the hurt I did to myself and others. I am also disappointed that I worked myself up as much as I did. You would think I’d know better after all that freaking therapy I paid for. meh. What’s done is done. I’m not going to “get it right” 100% of the time so I’m not beating myself up about it anymore.

    Poppys last blog post..lights and sirens

  26. Karen Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:00 am

    I am just like you. I can’t hold emotions in. It is impossible for me. And I blog in the moment.

  27. Denise Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:41 am

    I still WANT to be an emotional blogger but I’m censoring myself more now than in the past. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to:
    1. My husband reads my blog and, since he can’t be here to help, I don’t want him freaking out and thinking I’m about to jump off the roof

    2. The emotional posts I write? Always overwrought and embarassing in the light of day

    3. No one needs to hear my freak out fests, not even me

    I like reading the totality of your posts - emotional, funny, whatever - because it conveys who and where you are at that moment. Don’t censor unless you really feel you must because you help a lot of people who might feel the same way be OK with themselves. (You’re like the Pied Piper of owning and liking yourself!!!)

    Denises last blog post..Life usually works out for the best

  28. jester Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    I write about being in the moment long after the moment has passed and I’ve had the chance to think about what I felt and why I felt it while in the moment that I’m writing about sometime later.

    I had to wait 24 hours just to post this comment.

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