July 24th, 2008

Reality Bites….

When I said “I do”, I assumed that it would be forever.  I wasn’t a virgin but I wore white.   I felt that it was completely acceptable considering the fact that this felt like the “first time” finally feeling something greater than myself.  This was the happiest day of my life.  I remember feeling like the rest of the world had absolutely nothing on me.  No one could harm me.  Nothing could touch me.  I was invincible.  No, *we* were invincible.

I don’t know how it all fell down and went boom.  I really don’t.

There are a million things that I can blame on myself and maybe a hundred that I can blame on him.  I know that it takes two people to make or break a marriage but I’m telling you right now…I can’t fix whatever part of us broke inside of me no matter how hard I try.  And believe you me, I’m still trying even though it seems like a moot point these days.  It would be easier to not feel like a failure.  It would be simpler to have everything back to the way it was, or at least a new and improved version of that.  And honestly, I’d be a much better Hilly if I could throw away the box that contains my broken heart and start with a fresh one.

But that’s not realistic and besides, this hand-stitched yet crooked patchwork heart is what makes me well…me.

People keep asking me what’s going on with me lately and why I seem so down and “not myself”.  Other people joke about the increasingly cryptic nature of my blog posts.  I felt that it was time to come out of my secret garden and at least admit to you that one of the huge things that is going on right now in my life is this junk.  I don’t want to go into the details or exact nature because some of that stuff is just too private.  I fail to write about it here a lot because not only do I feel it is disrespectful to Shawn but also because I have in-laws that read this blog and well, you know.  Lastly, it’s too confusing and “back and forth” half of the time, as I guess all decisions of this nature can be.

Just when I think we’ve reached a point where I know what is going to happen, the road turns.  Then it turns again and again and again.  I just want to get off the merry go round of indecision and unhappiness and start living my life, no matter what that means.  I’m sleepwalking through my life, no matter how vibrant and fun-loving I seem on the outside.  I’ve gained a ton of weight that everyone is too polite to talk about…but we all know it’s true.  The weight gain is a hugely symbolic of my emotional state, FYI.  I’ve always lost really rapidly when I am happy and done exactly the opposite when I am not.  I’d also like to figure out a way to not wallow in self pity at the buffet table but that’s another post for another day.

The other day, Shawn paid off all of our debts.  He also paid off my car.  When all of that happened, it was decided that we need to finalize all of this once and for all.  Since Karl is here, the discussion was tabled until mid August when Shawn comes back from GenCon.  At first, I was opposed to the idea of having to decide everything right this second but when it comes down to it, I really need to learn how to rip off my band aids and just figure out what the hell I want out of my life.  I’m actually looking forward to this caucus as much as he is now…even though the answers all scare the living shit out of me.

So there you have it…nothing cryptic at all.  I feel so far out of my comfort bubble right now that I can literally feel my skin crawl.  You know what though?  I judge others for never being able to leap and yet here I sit, stuck in a moment or maybe even twenty.  It’s time to get real, live through the pain, and move forward…let’s just hope I can.

Simple Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly on Love, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (54)

54 Responses to “Reality Bites….”

  1. aka_monty Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    Babe. Lead with your heart & you’ll get where you need to be.

    And you’re gorgeous no matter what size.

    And also? I love you.

  2. Karl Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    I hope this means you’re moving to Florida so we can move in together and twat our lives away.

  3. Miss Britt Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    Oh honey, I wanted to cry looking at your wedding album. It’s so easy, when things are bad, to forget that they weren’t always that way.

    ((HUGS))

    (And if you need a vacay, you can come hide out at my place. I won’t even take off work. :-)

  4. hello haha narf Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    oh my dear hilly, i wish that there was some way for me to make it all better for you. i hate that you have to go through such unpleasant times. please know that you are not a failure…and no one should ever make you feel like one.

    hugs to you, darlin.

  5. jester Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    I’ve gotten pretty good at sweeping up the broken pieces of my friends and helping them glue things back together.

    Sure, I use Krazy Glue, and there are occasionally places where you can tell that I left the surface layer of the skin from my fingers with a painful ripping sound, but they always hold water again.

    I’ll be on standby trying not to sniff the tube (too much).

    jesters last blog post..The One Where Jester Becomes THAT Asshole

  6. radioactive tori Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    We have talked about this before, and I know you know my thoughts. I will think good thoughts for you and hope it all works out in a way that will make you happy and as stress free as possible. Everyone deserves a chance to live the life that they want to live and I have faith that in the long run, you will be happy no matter what happens. As always, if you want to email or talk, let me know.

    radioactive toris last blog post..Teenage Sex and Other Stuff

  7. Bec Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Hilly, my love. I too wish that making it all better was in my power, but if wishes were horses we’d all be riding unicorns.

    Hate that the waiting is causing you more pain but at least you’ll know any decisions were not made in haste.

    Love you, and as a fellow comfort eater, I know how difficult it is to cope with anything else when all you can think about is the pain and the size you are.

    I know you may think that each compliment is just lip service but you really are quite the beauty!

  8. Dickie Maxx Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    First of all I want to tell you how brave you are for even posting this. You really are pouring out true feelings instead of just saying it’s all his fault like most blog posts would do.

    I really hope you and Shawn do come to some kind of conclusion that you both can be happy with. Just remember if not though the gays got your back.

    Dickie Maxxs last blog post..Why I Still Go to Gay Pride

  9. Sybil Law Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    The wedding pictures are beautiful!
    Life can be so scary sometimes. Thankfully, you have a lot of friends who will hold your hand and jump with you.
    :smile:

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Can’t Come Up with a Good Title

  10. TSM Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    I feel like I am not really qualified to revisit the marriage and all that occurred, mainly because I haven’t known you long enough to know all that has gone on.

    What I *do* know is that when I see you, I see a beautiful (yes!), loving and stronger-than-strong woman, finally coming into her own. If this means you begin alone, I have no doubt that, through the tears, you will prevail.

    The fantastic thing, though? You’re totally not alone. Look at all these folks that are here for you. True, some of us know you so little, but all of us want only the happiest moments for you.

    Because, while none of us *deserve* happiness, we should all have at least a small slice. Here’s to yours, my dear.

  11. diane Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Hugs, and I look forward to the day you’ve come out the other side of all this. Thank you for sharing.
    Wait, are you the one that hates comments that include hugs? Well, too damn bad. ;)
    On a completely differnet note, I am dying to know what this dream was about, by the way!!

  12. Geeky Tai-Tai Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time, Hilly. Hugs and sweet, sweet posse kisses to you. <3

  13. adena Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    No moving to Florida. You have to move to Oregon.

    It has been decreed.

    adenas last blog post..Teacher, I finished my assignment!

  14. sodapop Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.

    You are a strong, beautiful and wonderful person. You can make it through this. Have faith in yourself and you will come out shining and right as rain on the other end of this.

    Keep your chin up.

    sodapops last blog post..I went Rocky Mountain climbing…

  15. jodi Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    oh, hil - i’m sorry you’re going thru this but thank-you for being honest with us… though the cryptic stuff is fun, i kinda like when people just lay it on the line and say what’s going on… it shows their real side and that they’re not just another person, writing on a blog, on the internet… not sure if that came out the right way but i’m sure you know what i mean… you know that we’re here for you, regardless… and i agree - you ARE gorgeous no matter what… ;o)

    ((( HUG )))

    jodis last blog post..friends

  16. Karen Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    I want to give you a huge hug right now. Thank you for being honest and opening up like that. You are such a strong, brave woman. I know you will find whatever you are looking for.

    Karens last blog post..Are You Sure You Went to Med School?

  17. SJ Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    You’ve been struggling with this for a long, painful time. It’s time to resolve things so you can move on, whatever road you choose. Stay strong and be ready for the best part of your journey to begin. That’s what’s shining on the horizon, just past the outskirts of Heartbreak City.

  18. DutchBitch Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    Aww Hon. Unfortunately, from own experience, I can imagine all to well how you are feeling right now, or at least I assume I can…

    I hope things work out for you, whichever road you decide to take. Hang in there, sweetie!

    DutchyHugz!!!

  19. Dagny Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    No matter how things end up, I am sure that you will be happy to have some sort of resolution. Well, you will eventually.

    Hang in there. It’s not that far away now.

  20. Les Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    You can, Hilly. You can.

    I’m thinking of you, and hoping you are able to find peace.

    ~Les

    Less last blog post..I’ve been tagged!

  21. Avitable Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    I hope you’ll feel a bit better now that you’ve gotten this out there and seen the support from all of us.

  22. Lisa O Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:26 pm

    UGH Hilly - I mostly lurk because I’m a big geek without a blog but had to comment today. I feel for you during this painful decision and though you have about a gazillion friends if you ever want to vent to a “stranger” please e-mail me. I’m a good listener and have been through my fair share of crap in my 43 years.
    Lastly I wish you could see yourself the way I and so many others do - you are truly beautiful inside and out and we only see your heart. Try to take care of that part of you first and the rest will follow naturally.

  23. jessica Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    People grow and change and in a marriage or significant relationship, you hope and pray and TRY to grow and change together instead of in opposite directions. Sadly, it is hard to grow in the same direction as somebody else, given that we’re all unique and flawed individuals. I know that I very badly wanted Chris and I to work together and grow — spiritually and otherwise — in the same direction, and ultimately it wasn’t possible and that’s when I had to walk away. It was out of my control at that point, and I believe you are at that point. You can only do so much, Hilary, and once you’ve given it your all, you can’t change reality. Not alone, anyway — you have to have the other person willing to meet you in the middle and work just every bit as hard as you to make things work. The deep unhappiness I had in my relationship was not a result of any wrongdoing or malicious acts, but a deep, aching loneliness that was even WORSE than a fight or unforgivable act… because nobody did anything WRONG.

    Anyway. I just wnat you to know that I’m proud of you for posting what you’ve been dancing around for so long. I do believe that once you sort this part out, the rest will fall into place, weight and everything else. You’ll be free to be YOU again… without somebody’s chains holding you back.

    XOXO,
    JEss

  24. metalmom Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    Big sigh!

    I wish I could make you feel better but how about if I just feel you up? Did you just smile? Poor punkin.

    I hope things work out for you,no matter what paths you and Shawn choose.

    muah!

    metalmoms last blog post..Sleepless Night

  25. Sarah Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    Oh you poor dear. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. But it’s good that you do have tons of support here from everyone. I know that I’ve only recently found your blog but you have my support and some big virtual hugs too.

    Sarahs last blog post..Coupon update

  26. Lisa (formerly Lisalou68 on the WW boards) Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    I’m sorry, Hilly. Reading this made me sad, and you deserve happiness. I know that you will find someone else and be happy, and I can’t wait till that happens.

    (((hugs)))
    Lisa (formerly Lisalou68)

  27. Finn Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    I so get this. I do. Follow your heart. You have many friends who will be happy to provide a soft place to fall if you need it. xo

  28. Poppy Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    Britt didn’t give me this shirt for no reason, so take what I say with a big, ginormous, Margarita rim of salt: If you’re not happy… [fill in the blank]. Not that he is one, but the point is you need to do what’s right for you, and unfortunately sometimes that means going back on that “I do” promise you made when you were all “oooh, pretty ring! oooh, pretty dress” drunk.

    I have not known you at any other weight. I think you are beautiful. Broken or not, you are beautiful. Your willingness to stop sleepwalking makes you extra beautiful.

  29. jenny Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Hey babygirl… it’s a fact that you burn 4X more energy treading water than actually swimming, so sometimes you just have to put your head down and do the breast stroke to make it to shore.

    Okay, I may have just made up that statistic, but it sounds plausible to me, and I really wanted to say something philosophical *and* get to use the word breast at the same time.

    What I’m really saying is that I’m totally inspired by your strength and honesty during this stressful time, and just know that the blogosphere adores and supports you. Mwah!

  30. Sharon Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:19 pm

    Hilly, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. But you’re right: if you get to the point where a situation is beyond repair, it is time to rip off the band-aid and move on. . . no matter how much it hurts in the moment. Anything else will actually be way more painful in the long run.

    I am only an email away if you want to vent.

  31. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    I haven’t read all the comments but um, can I say this?

    I’m really excited for what lies ahead for you. Baby steps and positive thinking.

    xoxo

  32. Kriss Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Oh, Hilly. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say, except I’m sorry that you’re hurting.

    But can I just say that I won’t tiptoe around the weight thing? Your boobs look LUSCIOUS right now!

  33. Mattie Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    You will not let this setback change you … the person you are inside. It will take time to feel invincible again … and you may have to do it on your own … but in the long run isn’t it better to feel that same type of invincibility without having to look to someone else to give it to you? To know that you are capable of happiness that is not dependent on others?

    You’ll be okay. It’s not going to be easy. What do they say? Anything worth having is worth fighting for … no matter what the outcome.

    Matties last blog post..You Gotta Have Friends

  34. turnbaby Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 4:21 pm

    Everyone has said what I feel so a giant ditto sugar—even when you want it it is hard.

    As Karen said—-baby steps

  35. Foo Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    I think you and Shawn are amazing people and I know you will figure out what is best. I wish I could fast forward life for you right now. I love you tons and will continue to be here for you. NorCal awates your arrival - even if it’s just for a while to figure stuff out. I will kick your ass if you move to Florida.

  36. Anne Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    I know you’ll know what to do when that time comes. I’m thinking of you.
    I think you should come to Canada :)…ok, you can come visit Canada, my door is always open!

    Annes last blog post..Mmm poutine.

  37. Chag Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    In the end, you’ve got to do what makes you happy.

    It took real guts to post this.

    Chags last blog post..The Best Of The Rest (Surviving Your Child’s Summer Vacation For Pennies A Day)

  38. Princess of the Universe Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    Oh honey, I searched your site to try and find an email address and couldn’t…
    I am so sorry that you’re going through this - I wish I could see you and give you a hug and have a cry with you.

    xoxox

    Princess of the Universes last blog post..Worky Type Things…

  39. suze Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    Aww Hilly - I’m sorry that this is so hard, figuring out the heavy stuff. Whatever decisions you and Shawn make, wherever that conversation leads, if you follow your heart it will all work out in the end. Big hugs.

  40. kilax Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    I’m hoping for the best for you. Just remember - how you feel is important, and you will find happiness.

    kilaxs last blog post..Warning to future house guests

  41. *pixie* Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    You are amazing. It just emanates from you.

    *pixie*s last blog post..an apple for the teacher

  42. Iron Fist Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    Hey, you. See this comment here? This comment entitles the blog owner to one free big hug this weekend, with a bonus hug thrown in, just because I think you’re cute.

    Stay strong, my dear. I know you have it in you.

  43. Winter Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    You and I have talked about some of this in person so I’m gonna leave it there… private. But I do wanna remind you there was a reason my shoulders grew so big. (It was NOT all the hot wings. I swear!) You can borrow a shoulder any time you need one. And my ear too. But maybe not the one with the 6 holes… You’ve been on my mind all week. Not just because Karl’s here or Dave Diego’s coming… but just because of you. I wish I had a way to make it all easy for you cause I loves you.

    Winters last blog post..Vacation Not

  44. Atomic Bombshell Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    This is hard, hard, hard, hard stuff. Wish I had some serious wisdom to lay on you, since you know I’ve been at that same crossroads not so terribly long ago, but it’s such a personal thing that all I can say is this: Get to where you’re quiet on the inside and get really honest with yourself. Make your choice and stick to it regardless of what all the fears and uncertainty will try and do to sway you. Either way you choose, commit yourself to see it through. I was terrified when I made my choice (parts of me are still terrified even though I’m through it) but doing the right thing feels fantastic. Turns out these decisions are a lot simpler than we try to make them out to be.

    I’ve seen your turmoil and suffering, and you may be surprised to know that it’s more evident in your joking around than in your expressions of sadness. Honestly, it’s been more than I can bear to watch because I can see through it all because I’ve been there. The goal is for you to be SET FREE, whether that means going or staying… Put the mute button on fear and figure it out. I just know you’re incredibly unhappy, and although I don’t believe happiness is something to be sought, freedom for your soul IS!

  45. Crys Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 11:41 pm

    brave. i know you’ll be okay; you strike me as such a strong personality, and you have a BIG heart. i went through a divorce a few years ago, and as amicable as it was, it was still devastating. i think you’re right; putting it off any longer doesn’t really serve you. face it, assess, and do what you have to do. i think you’ll be happy that you did.

  46. Selma Says:
    July 25th, 2008 at 7:20 am

    It’s such a difficult thing to go through. I feel for you. That merry-go-round of indecision is an exhausting place to be. The road to happiness is never an easy one to traverse. But you can do it. Take care. I wish you all the best.

  47. Mrs Mogul Says:
    July 25th, 2008 at 7:26 am

    Well debts are paid so that is a good thing. Looks like what the hell am I doing in my life is a common thing going around! I understand sister!

  48. g-man Says:
    July 25th, 2008 at 11:16 am

    I am sad and happy for you. Sad that you’re going through a tough time, and happy that when you are working through your tough time with a positive outlook.

    Hugs for you.

    g-mans last blog post..Back to the salt mine.

  49. MB Says:
    July 25th, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    You’ll feel better once you make that decision … whatever it may be. I hope you figure out what will make you happy and get out of this limbo state. Try not to beat yourself up over the past and find a way to get through this. It is never easy.

    MBs last blog post..Admitted Again ….

  50. Patty Says:
    July 25th, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    Hilly, I’m sorry you are going through a rough time. I’ve been there and on the brink of divorce but somehow we turned it around….therapy, ha. You will figure out what is right for you, just listen to you heart.

    Pattys last blog post..super power

  51. Sarah Says:
    July 26th, 2008 at 5:21 am

    I’m late…

    I’m so sorry. I think this is really important that you’ve been able to step out of your comfort zone and post about this. I realize I’m only just getting to know you, but I see a woman who is stronger than she thinks, and I’m certain you will come through this difficult time, however it has to happen.
    I wish you and Shawn the very best in figuring this all out.

  52. Lisa Says:
    July 26th, 2008 at 8:10 am

    Hang in there girl! As painful and difficult as this time is, you will get through it and come out stronger in the end.

    Just remember, “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

    Luv ya!

    Lisas last blog post..he’s done it again

  53. sam Says:
    July 27th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    I love you Hilly. I love you lots! I’m always here if you need to talk, you know that!

  54. martymankins Says:
    July 28th, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    In all honesty, I can say I’ve been there and know at least some of the fleeting and diverse thoughts that run through your mind when an pending end to a relationship is happening.

    Hang in there and know that your blogging community understands.

    martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #15

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