July 17th, 2008

Playing Hide And Seek With Hilly’s Soul…

I feel as if I’ve been sitting in a room with tape across my mouth for a few days now.  I hate ruining other people’s fun and/or making waves, especially whiny ones.  Sometimes we do things to make other people happy even though we drag our feet and throw temper tantrums every step of the way.  It’s just the way life is so we suck it up, right?  I’d been trying to steal my sunshine back from the evil PMS Monster Whore who took it but upon further review, I’m not sure she’s actually to blame.  This may be a group effort caused by many different monster whores and you know what?  I’ve really completely FAILED at finding all of my pieces.

It’s almost like I’m screaming into a canyon and the only person who can hear me is myself as the echos consistently slap me in the face.  I’m pretty sure the other people in my life just think, “oh there she goes bitching again” but what they don’t seem to realize is that if I am pissing and moaning about the same thing for over a week, I fucking mean it.  But now is not the time for me to get to unbutton my pants and just let the fucking fat hang out.  Nope, it’s a time where I have to go to a conference full of people and dance like a pretty ballerina so I’m not a total killjoy.  Yeah yeah, once I get there, I am sure it will be fine and hell, maybe I’ll even come alive as I am prone to do.  It’s just that right now is the time that I need to be cocooned by the people who already understand me and love me.  I feel like getting a big squishy group hug from all of them and living in that moment until I pass out.

Who knows?  Maybe the energy of a gajillion happy women (and 100 happy dudes) will actually sway my little heart into the upswing it so richly needs and deserves.  I’m just going to close my eyes and jump into the moment, seeing what it brings me.  I cannot go forward with negativity or that is all that will come back to me at the end of the weekend.  No matter what else happens, I’ll  get to be with three of my best friends this weekend and I’ll get to meet some people who probably feel just like I do…yanno, at times.  Solidarity has never been my thing but today I am going to open my eyes to it and see what that brings me.  It’s like trying sushi or skydiving for the first time….you just close your eyes and leap.

Off To BlogHer Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (22)

22 Responses to “Playing Hide And Seek With Hilly’s Soul…”

  1. jester Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 12:46 am

    You and I can sneak off and wander around SF if we feel like it.

    And since I’m not paying for any of the conference, I don’t feel like I’m obligated to do anything other than what I agreed to do for them.:)

    Karl may become an expert at public transportation on this trip.

    jesters last blog post..Making an Effort

  2. Nat Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 3:34 am

    I would tell you it would be ok but that much estrogen in one place frightens even the most social of butterflies… (which I am not.)

  3. Avitable Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:12 am

    I get sympathy PMS. That totally sucks even worse than the real thing.

    Avitables last blog post..Being guarded

  4. student teacher Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:34 am

    Here’s a hug from me Hilly.

    I think you are right, and you will feel the energy when you get there.

    student teachers last blog post..Am I Lucky or What?

  5. turnbaby Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:34 am

    I hope you grab your sunshine and you have a lovely time with her in SF.

    turnbabys last blog post..Half Nekkid Thursday Edition No. 17

  6. Iron Fist Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 7:14 am

    Those 100 dudes are going to be pretty happy, and for an entirely different reason than the gajillion women.

    (In other news, I see my whore-ranking has fallen. I really need to work on man-slutting it up the rest of the month.)

  7. suze Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 7:15 am

    I don’t think you’ve failed at finding your pieces - I think that sometimes, those little pieces we really want to find are just really good at hiding.

    I hope you have fun at Blogher. :)

  8. Dave2 Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 7:30 am

    My solution would be to get drunk the entire time, but that doesn’t work for everybody…

    Dave2s last blog post..Sunset

  9. Miss Britt Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:03 am

    I hope you have fun honey.

    But sushi is nasty.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Venom

  10. Finn Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:21 am

    Plus? You get to hang out in SF. And it won’t be 100 degrees out. That would make me ecstatic about now.

  11. Sybil Law Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:59 am

    That PMS Monster Whore is here, too.
    I’m going to kick her bloody ass.
    Haha
    Seriously - hope you are having a great time! Drinking usually helps me. :lol:

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Acceptance

  12. Rick Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 10:51 am

    I’ve only recently discovered that if I pretend to be Cock of the Block at those functions, people buy it. ‘Course, you’d have to take a different approach, I suppose.

  13. Denise Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 11:31 am

    Enjoy yourself for me, too. Of course, I’m secretly a little happy that I can’t go so that I don’t have to stress about all of those people, either. :grin:

    Denises last blog post..A girl needs some pretty summer sandals

  14. Dragon Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 11:34 am

    San Francisco is a happy place. I’m sure your mood will improve. I can’t believe you’ve never tried sushi. Girl, one bite and you’re hooked. Trust me.

    Dragons last blog post..Calde Verde (Portuguese Creamy Potato and Kale Soup)

  15. Sarah Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Well I hope the weekend ends up being fun for you! At least you are going to be there with some really good friends and aren’t going alone or anything. That’s something, right?

    Sarahs last blog post..Did you ever want to know why I am this way?

  16. Crys Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    i do think that sometimes all we can do is fake it until we make it. there’s nothing wrong with that, either; you don’t always have to be on. it is good, though, to remain open. it seems you’re doing that.

    not sure what’s causing the negativity or the conflict but i do hope it gets resolved for you soon. sometimes i get caught up in ideas of “having to confront” or “having to make right” but ultimately i discover it’s ok to just let things go and be flexible and passive. take care of yourself. be comfortable. be well.

    peace!

    Cryss last blog post..Let’s all be better than the internet

  17. Selma Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 7:10 am

    I admire you for going. I would find it quite nerve-wracking. I hope you have a wonderful time.

    Selmas last blog post..The Colour Of White

  18. Employee No. 3699 Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 8:40 am

    Did you ever dread having to go somewhere, convinced you won’t have a good time; but when you get there, you end up having one of the best times ever? Look at it that way…or consume lots of alcohol. That always works for me.

    Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Mojito

  19. radioactive tori Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 9:07 am

    I always find that when I go into something with really low expectations it turns out great. Hopefully you are having a wonderful time!

    radioactive toris last blog post..Everything You Do With Friends Is Better

  20. hello haha narf Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    much love and happiness to you my friend

    hello haha narfs last blog post..You Got An Asshole? Then Gimme Your Opinion!

  21. Winter Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    I don’t suffer from the PMS Monster, but I do suffer from the Life Sucks Monster. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve slapped a smile on to accommodate others. Sure, there were times I ended up with a real smile before the night was done, but putting a good face on it sometimes is draining. I so hear you, sister. *HUGS*

    Winters last blog post..I Need A Shrink

  22. MB Says:
    July 19th, 2008 at 9:37 am

    Fake it ’til you feel it.
    I’m sending long distance big squishing hugs your way.

    MBs last blog post..Let the Sun Shine In ….

Leave a Reply