July 9th, 2008

This Little Masochist Is Ready To Confess..

You know what’s really suck-tastic about having extremely good intuition?  The paranoia that comes along with it.  Being able to read people really easily sometimes leads to me seeing things that aren’t there.  I have no idea where that comes from other than the fact that I’ve been hurt so many times in my life that I just want to guard myself before it happens again.  So I try and try and try not to let the paranoia consume me.  I let go of any assumption that someone is feeling or doing exactly what I can sense they are doing then try to remain rational.

It’s just not easy….

I like to speak my mind and ask the hard questions.  I’d rather look like an asshole by broaching a subject that may make someone think I’m crazy rather than sitting there with my heart breaking in a million little confused pieces.  However, lately…I’ve been shutting up and it’s driving me crazy.  Also, for the record, it’s not like my assumptions are totally crazy or anything like that.  I don’t go off half cocked, accusing people of plotting against me and/or finding ways to make me hurt.  Hell, sometimes I even ignore the obvious because I don’t want it to be true.  But generally, deep down in my gut, I’ve got it figured out before you do.

This time, I am not going to let it go.  I just have to get rid of the bowling ball in my stomach and say it.  I’ve got to find the words to express my fear without sounding needy or desperate.  I hate being needy and desperate.  I hate the fact that I hate showing that side of me too.  Still, I can’t expect anything to actually get better within my little heart until I actually just confront some of the people that I need to confront.  I guess I will make Thursday my “balls to the wall” day and just start asking the hard questions.  Partially, I’m more afraid of being right than I am of being wrong.

“Being Such A Girl” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly's Insecurities, Redefining Hilly | Comments (42)

42 Responses to “This Little Masochist Is Ready To Confess..”

  1. blondefabulous Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. I just hate to ask and be a bother…..

    blondefabulouss last blog post..Brendan, Brendan, Brendan, Brendan,……

  2. SJ Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:30 pm

    I would always rather ask and (possibly) look silly than make myself sick worrying about something. Quite often what I’m worried about turns out to be my own warped perceptions, and not at all what I fear.

    I hope it all goes well for you, and you find you had nothing to be concerned about after all. But either way, it’s better to know than to wonder.

    SJs last blog post..Late catching the A-Z Train

  3. B.E. Earl Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:44 pm

    I like to keep things locked up way down deep inside my gut.

    It’ll make my autopsy that much more fun for the coroner.

  4. Krystle Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    I’ve always been one to hate confrontation. I’ll hold it all in, stew it all over in my mind, get anxiety about it, and finally just lose.my.shit.

    It’s not a good feeling, but you have to do what you have to do.

    Hope you’re doing okay…

  5. sizzle Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    Isn’t it just better to know? That way the paranoia can’t take over. I’ve always thought there are two kinds of people- the ones who tear the band aid off slowly and the ones who rip it off fast. Neither way is “right” but it’s defining, I think.

    And what’s this “being a girl” business? Vulnerability is human. It is not a weakness. I hope it works out for you!

    sizzles last blog post..Living The Life

  6. Hilly Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    Blondefabulous: Sadly, I am not sure I care if I am a bother. ;)

    SJ: The rational part of me totally knows that it is better to ask. The other bitch? Not so much! Thanks, btw.

    B.E. Earl: Haha, it will be a real treat for your body to be on the slab!

    Krystle: First of all, thank you. Secondly, I used to do that until my anxiety attacks became just wayyy too much.

    Sizz: I’ve always just ripped the band-aid off in life. Lately I’ve become more timid just because I don’t want to add one more thing to my emotional issues, but you know..fuck that. Also, the “girl” thing was a joke poked at Avitable. ;)

  7. Jennifer Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    I tend to do a fair amount of neurotic worrying, but in the end go for confrontation. And really, the reality is seldom as horrible as the mental hell I put myself through. There’s something to be said for peace of mind. Good lck to you.

    Jennifers last blog post..

  8. Dragon Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    Sending you positive thoughts. Good luck.

    Dragons last blog post..Creamy Herb Pasta with Cheddar & Goat Cheese

  9. Sybil Law Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 9:29 pm

    OMG I do the same thing! I have learned to listen to my gut instinct, and most of the time I do, but then I also think I am paranoid! So then I try and give someone the benefit of a doubt, because I figure everyone deserves that much, right? And then fast forward a little, and I am knocking myself for not listening to my gut!
    Also, I am super outspoken and crazy honest. Some people call me brutally honest. In fact, my father-in-law claims I singlehandedly ruined his marriage.
    I say, if that’s what it finally takes to get him out of my life, then it was worth it!
    Haha

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Flying Pigs

  10. Chris Says:
    July 9th, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    Being right is always always always harder than being wrong in my experience. Good luck and throw those balls to the walls!

    Chriss last blog post..That’s Mr. Cranky Pants to you!

  11. Göran Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Intuition rules! Shame it´s partly looked down on.

    From what I´ve gotten to know (about) you here I have no worries about you succeeding with whatever you take on

    :-)

    Görans last blog post..because

  12. adena Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:01 am

    Doesn’t intuition really suck sometimes?

    It’s better to ask, although it’s not like I heed my own advice half the time.

    Hope you’re doing okay. Email me if you need to.

    adenas last blog post..Teacher, I finished my assignment!

  13. sodapop Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 3:10 am

    Letting myself be vulnerable is something I find difficult to do. Confrontation is something else that is difficult. Confrontation doesn’t have to be ugly and nasty, it can be done lovingly and with compassion.

    I’m sure you’ll find a way to face this and confront the people you need to confront.

    Keep your chin up and remember to breath :)

  14. Mindy Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:02 am

    For most of my life I have been the type that had blockade for walls. It has taken me years to slowly demolish the barricades. All for the sake of the possibility of being hurt. I had to face that fact that getting hurt is a part of life. We have to get hurt to be able to learn from it and move on. It’s not easy but it is doable.

    Mindys last blog post..Walking off the fat.

  15. Avitable Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:18 am

    Ha - “being such a girl” kisses - very funny!

    :mrgreen:

    Avitables last blog post..Stagnant

  16. Avitable Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:18 am

    Oh, and you’re just like a guy to me. A guy with awesome breasts!

    Avitables last blog post..Stagnant

  17. suze Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:27 am

    My gut often knows things long before the heart or the head. But sometimes, sometimes that gut is wrong (rare, but occasionally, it does happen) so it’s always better to ask. Best case scenario, your gut was wrong. Worst case scenario, the gut is right, but either way, you know.

    Wishing you all the best with your balls to the wall day today. You can do it!

    suzes last blog post..then and now…

  18. Poppy Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:38 am

    You are really starting to freak me out lately.

    I could have written that first paragraph, word for word.

    Poppys last blog post..motivations

  19. Poppy Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:40 am

    Mmm, yup, and the last paragraph.

    I love the sign-off, by the way, ya girl. :razz:
    Poppys last blog post..motivations

  20. Karl Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 6:24 am

    My phone is back in service so you can call me whenever you like. Hope everything is okay. I tend to sit on things a while, but it’s much better (usually) to rip the band-aid off.

  21. Miss Britt Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 6:29 am

    I hope you find the strength to ask the hard questions - for your own peace of mind and because you deserve that kind of authenticity.

    I am 100% here for you if you don’t like the answers.

    (Oh, and if you have anything to ask me? I love you. Lots. K?)

    Miss Britts last blog post..The Glamorous Life Of A Rock Star Blogger

  22. whall Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 6:47 am

    Resolving conflict via direct and honest confrontation is usually the best thing.

    Then again, not eating fast food every day and avoiding exercise would also probably be the best thing, but you don’t see me doing that either.

    whalls last blog post..Vigilante Garbage

  23. Employee No. 3699 Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:07 am

    I’m not one for confrontation. I tend to put things on the back burner…if they start to burn then I’ll do something about it.

    Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Jokes and Such At the Bank

  24. radioactive tori Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 8:39 am

    I think sometimes the fear of knowing I am right about something that I don’t want to be right about stops me from asking the questions that will lead me to the truth. But in the end, you’ll never find peace until you find the truth. Easier said than done though most times.

    I will think good thoughts for you in whatever is going on. If you need anything, please let me know!

    radioactive toris last blog post..What-evs

  25. Penelope Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 9:17 am

    Umm when you’re ready you can climb right back out of my head, okay? ;)
    Wow this struck a chord with me today - BIG time!
    You know where I am, anytime :o)

    Penelopes last blog post..Cooking isn’t what it used to be.

  26. John Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 11:33 am

    Things deep and dark are going on within you Ms. Hilly. I do so hope they are resolved satisfactorily and expediently. I wish you Peace, Luv.

    Johns last blog post..Bella Morte

  27. Denise Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 11:49 am

    Friends and I have a saying: “no more band-aids”, so rip away and know I’m here, cheering you on for bravery!

    Denises last blog post..Me fall down, go BOOM

  28. Foo Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    No, it’s not easy…but you are paving the way for goodness. I’m just a phone call away.

    Foos last blog post.."A" Game…

  29. turnbaby Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Intuition is very very cool. Sometimes we try to ignore it–that’s the bowling ball effect. ;-)

    I hope you get the answers you need.

    Smooch

  30. Finn Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    I think one of the biggest problems we women have is that we learn to ignore our intuition.

    Better to deal with a painful reality than to try to pretend it’s not there while it rots and festers.

    xo

    Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo: Dead Soldiers

  31. Selma Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    Oh, that last line is one I can really identify with. I often avoid confrontation for fear of being right, because once I know for sure there’s no going back. But I have learned that gut instincts are usually correct on some level and they nag and nag at me until I have no choice but to act on them. Hope you get the answers you need. Take care.

    Selmas last blog post..Ghost Story

  32. Bully Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    Hey Hilly– It’s better to just come out and say it, then let it eat a hole in you. I hate to be wrong and therefore “paranoid” too, but it’s better to confront, and then know for SURE what it is.

    If they think you’re a b*tch for speaking your mind? Too bad. Don’t suffer anymore.

  33. Mrs Mogul Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    I always think you should say it out loud and not bottle it up. I grew up repressed!!

    Mrs Moguls last blog post..Pop Stuff

  34. Stacey Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    There are a lot of things I hold inside, but when I feel very strongly about something, I’m out to ask the hard questions. And I don’t take cop out answers either. Usually I get an answer I don’t like, but at least I get an answer.

    Good luck!

    Staceys last blog post..Travelogue - 5 July 2008 (part II)

  35. Nat Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    Hey kiddo,

    Just get it out there and say what you have to say. While at the time, it’s terrifying — in the end you end up feeling so much better.

    For what it’s worth I have you back.

  36. Karen Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    I totally understand that feeling. Good Luck. Being strong is scary sometimes.

    Karens last blog post..Yummy!

  37. Lauren Says:
    July 10th, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    Yeah, I’ve got that whole needy and compulsive thing going on. My newest rule is that I have to write a letter to my inner child to try and find out why I’m feeling that way before I compulsively talk to people or write e-mails. I think it will help me.

    Laurens last blog post..a bad day

  38. Winter Says:
    July 11th, 2008 at 6:59 am

    The fear of being right often keeps us from doing things or asking the hard q’s. The weird part about it is, it always seems anti-climatic when you find that you are right and THAT’S the part that is startling. We knew what was coming, so the fact that it’s anti-climatic is shocking? Oy. I’m so twisted.

    Winters last blog post..Can Vampires Be Gay?

  39. L.A. Daddy Says:
    July 11th, 2008 at 8:08 am

    Keeping it all in kills. I used to do that but now… I’m old and just don’t care anymore.

    I’m sure you’ll right the ship in a matter of no time.

    L.A. Daddys last blog post..How Green Is Your Valley?

  40. Hilly Says:
    July 11th, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Everybody - Thank you so much for all of your encouragement and for telling me how YOU handle situations like these. It really helped me to move forward and ask the tough questions yesterday. And, in the end? It all turned out okay…better than had I sat on it.

    LOVE YOU! MEAN IT!

    :mrgreen: *snort*

  41. Hilly Says:
    July 11th, 2008 at 8:29 am

    PS…I would have answered you all individually but was at the orthopedics clinic all day on Thursday!

  42. Brent Diggs Says:
    July 12th, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    I think you just described my entire life.

    Spooky.

    Brent Diggss last blog post..A Writing Challenge for Funny Bloggers

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