August 21st, 2008

An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…

What mask do you wear?   Okay…maybe you don’t ALWAYS wear one and your life is perfect, but if you are a member of the dysfunctional club just like I am, once in awhile you wear a mask, right?   And if you do, what does it cover up?  And more importantly, how does it help you get through otherwise awful situations?

My mask is Wonder Woman.  She’s brave and kicks ass right and left.   Nothing slows her down or scares her because her bracelets shield her from the outside world and forces of evil that want to hurt her.  She doesn’t live in the problem but speeds through to the solution.  She teaches the ideals of peace instead of war, even though sometimes she rages against the machine by busting the liars, users and all bad guys in general.   She drives an invisible jet and hopes thinks that you can’t see her flying around, even though you can.  She’s beautiful AND loving and let’s face it…she looks pretty damned good in a patriotic leotard.

I wear that mask a lot and part of me wonders if it truly is just a mask or if it’s just a small part of who I am?  Maybe a large part?  Even so, now and again, I want to take off my Wonder Woman jammies and be weak enough to let someone else hold me while I cry.   I want to hide behind my hair when I see someone who has hurt me because if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me.   I want to tell you when I am sitting here with hot tears streaming down my cheeks because I fail to know who I am or what I want right now.  I want you to hold my hand while I admit that I am scared almost all of the time.  I want there to NOT be an endless amount of crime-fighting that needs to be done because I feel like I need to save everyone while my own soul deteriorates.  I want answers yet I don’t want to have to pull superheroine moves in order for you to give them to me.

But also?  I’m tired of tears, talks and tiptoeing through the hard questions.  There is only so much sitting and reflecting that one hot ass crime fighting bitch like me can take before she suits back up and gets ready to take on the world, or at least her small part of it.  I’m ready to be in the forefront, going through my life with a diamond studded machete, weeding out the crap then eventually building a new fortress made of “pure awesome”.  I’m ready to stop settling and to start banishing the funk from my life…and yes, by “funk”, I mean people and things that are just not healthy for me anymore.  Wonder Woman wants to get in her invisible hoop ride, bump some Eminem and take care of major business.

Maybe I can be both.  Maybe the mask I wear doesn’t always have to be attached so tightly to my face and hell, maybe I can find a better freaking costume than a roll-showing leotard.  Either way, this is the truth about me…candy coating hard shell with a very melty heart.  I’d like to fool everyone into thinking I’m 100% badass all of the time but let’s be honest here, I’m only badass 89% of the time…*snort*.

So I ask you, do you ever feel like you wear a mask or are painted into some sort of emotional category that you just want to leave behind for a day…maybe longer?  As long as I’m not alone in this, I feel comfortable sharing my deepest psychoses with you all.

Flat Stanley Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Technology, Redefining Hilly | Comments (27)

27 Responses to “An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…”

  1. adena Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:28 am

    Sweetie, I am SO not Wonder Woman. I wish I was.

    But, I know you are. Almost all the time.

    adenas last blog post..Look at me! I’m famous!

  2. TSM Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:38 am

    Oh girl. Last night’s Vlog was about that. About needing to just BE. Be held. Be loved. Not be the strong one who can bear all burdens. Just BE.

    I would so stroke your hair baby! :)
    TSMs last blog post..In Which I Repeatedly Say “UM…”

  3. Sybil Law Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:39 am

    Hey - back off my Wonder Woman! :D
    I know what you mean, and I feel the same way a LOT. I am a mom, and sometimes, dammit, I wish someone would comfort ME, or take care of ME, you know? Even my husband won’t usually stick up for me because he knows (and I know) that in general, I’ll do a way better job of it, but still. Sometimes you want it, anyway.
    I’ll hold your hand.
    Afterall, we are from… what planet is she from, again?! Olympus? The Amazon?
    Anyway - you know what I mean!!!
    :hug:
    Sybil Laws last blog post..Give It Away Now

  4. radioactive tori Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:42 am

    I like to pretend that I don’t need anyone to take care of me. And I don’t, but every once in a while it would be cool if someone would try. Just because I pretend I am ok, does not mean I really am all the time.

    I can relate to a very lot of what you wrote in this post.

    radioactive toris last blog post..First Day of School

  5. Poppy Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Hmm. I don’t know what my mask is in terms of a character, my I display confidence when I feel complete lack of confidence inside, because I know that helps me to gain that confidence I need.

    I know vaguely what is going on in your life, but every time you post about tears I want to ask you more questions. Know that I care, but understand that I respect your privacy, distance, isolation preference, and … well, that you may like me surfacely but I’m not your best friend on the planet so not your confidante. But if you needed one… I’m an awesome listener.

    Poppys last blog post..Guest Popster poster again

  6. Nat Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    I think masks are just facette of who we are. It’s staying true to the core and not letting perception cloud who you are that I have issues with.

    OH, and my superhero costume is definitely more concealing of the fat rolls.

    Nats last blog post..I forgot about the stars

  7. Hilly Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    Adena: Ha! You are way too flattering, sistah.

    Tracy: Ack! I haven’t read blogs yet today and probably won’t til later on but yours will be the first. :D

    Sybil: Yes, she is Amazonian and darned bitchin’ to boot! I totally know what you mean too…I mean, not literally since I have no kids, but I get the sentiment.

    Poppy: Thank you so much for caring…and just FYI, I am not crying today at all. I am quiet happy but was just thinking about this stuff! You can ask me any questions you want to, honestly. Just make sure it’s in a private email though! :)

    Nat: Right, so we put on and take off many different masks in one day? I can totally see that.

  8. hello haha narf Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    you are SO not alone

    hello haha narfs last blog post..HNT - My 17th Half Nekkid Thursday

  9. New Age Bitch Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 1:09 pm

    The more “out-there” I am in person, the comfortable I feel with it. Am done hiding.

  10. Hilly Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    Narfy: Phew, not alone is a good thing. :hug:

    New Age Bitch: Sometimes I get that way too but inevitably someone has something awful to say about me when all of my true colors show. I shouldn’t care but yes, I do.

  11. Sarah Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 5:14 pm

    I wear a mask a lot of the times around certain friends.

    Right now they wouldn’t like the ‘real’ me (my personality and what not) because when we became friends I was a lot different and not yet comfortable in my skin.

    I hate that I feel like I can’t be myself around them but I am not ready to let that friendship go.

    So you are so not alone out there with your mask girly! So sending some big hugs and love your way because we can all use some hugs, right? :pph: :hug:
    Sarahs last blog post..HNT 1

  12. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    I’ve been wearing the Procrasti-Mask lately. There’s so much to do, I’m overwhelmed. Now it’s 2 days before we move and well? Not going so well.

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..Why I Won’t Be Having Any More Children

  13. Employee No. 3699 Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    First of all, you don’t need any wristbands because you got the Wonder Woman boobs every girl wants. Eh, hmm…Anyhoo, Nobody’s life is perfect, no matter how much they ‘cover up’, ‘lie’, or ‘make believe’. And if someone says they’re not a member of the ‘dysfunction club’, that automatically makes them a member, just sayin’.

    You can’t ‘speed’ through problems; you have to live them, experience them, and grow as an individual. Wonder Woman may glide around in her invisible plane, but as humans we’re there for the world to see. And there is not a God Damned thing wrong with that. People that hide their emotions and don’t open up to others are losing out, in my opinion.

    Everyone wears a mask on occasion; just don’t cover up the real you. Hugs and kisses, especially ‘Hilly Kisses’ are wonderful. I know we’re fairly new ‘knowing’ each other in this blogisphere, but if you ever need to talk (yeah, long distance is nothin’ with ComCast), email me and I’ll pick up the phone. I am a phonaholic, as you know.

    Big Giant Lasso of Truth Kisses
    Linda~

    Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Ten Random Things About Me

  14. martymankins Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 6:10 pm

    As the first male to post on this post, I wanted to say I hope that things get better for you. I know I’ve said that multiple times (is that a guy excuse?), but I really do mean it. Tough times, tough girl, nice break from it all will be here soon.

    martymankinss last blog post..One Of The Blog Gang

  15. Winter Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    Is there a super hero that just endures and survives somehow? Cause that would be me. I wear a mask sometimes. Usually not with friends because I don’t have that kind of energy anymore. I prefer to have friends I don’t have to wear a mask with. However, work is a whole other thing. I can’t NOT go to work and sometimes I don’t feel all happy happy joy joy. My life is often shit so I have to put a good face on it for the office. There, I’m just the IT geek and I wear my “desktop support that isn’t from India” face with pride.

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  16. Iron Fist Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    One of my more popular masks is the jester. I say ‘popular’ because people seem to find it endlessly entertaining, when I am frequently bored or otherwise indifferent to them.

  17. The Baroness Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    Wonder Woman?? Nice!

    I always have my “angel” mask on. I work with children quite a bit, and so I feel that I have to project an image of being perfectly sweet and cute and kind. Everyone knows that nobody can really be like that. :halo:
    …But I’m close!

    The Baronesss last blog post..Go Cowboys! Here, take my money and build a new stadium!

  18. Ginger Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 7:59 pm

    Do I feel the same way you do? Let’s just say that you could have reached into my brain and pulled this post out of it…

    *hugs*

    Gingers last blog post..Oh Hai…

  19. Stephanie Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 8:15 pm

    I understand. I have been wearing the “Miss Suzy Sunshine” mask for 3 years now. Since a scary hospital stay, almost dying, etc. During which time I was the one comforting my family and friends, and being all tough and strong. Sometimes I want to be the one that is taken care of. To be the one that gets to lean on someone else. To not be the boss of everything. And to not have to smile and blow smoke up everyones ass all day every day.

    Yeah. I get the mask. And i think you ARE a WonderWoman. And a sweet, deeply thoughtful person. :hug:
    Stephanies last blog post..Pictorial Thursday…because I’m lazy.

  20. Dagny Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    So you were the person who placed the spycam at my job yesterday when I was doing my Wonder Woman impersonation. Really. I was deflecting stuff with my bracelets and then discussed my invisible plane. Finally I threatened a coworker with my lariat of truth.

    OK. So maybe the discussion started because someone advertised on Craig’s List for a nemesis. And today the receptionist found an ad for someone looking for a henchman/femme fatale to join his villainous crew. Seriously. I kid you not.

    Dagnys last blog post..Look, BellaKarma. No meat.

  21. joy Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    I’ve never found a need to wear a mask myself thankfully. I’m out there for all to see, the good, bad, weak, strong, etc.

  22. jp Says:
    August 22nd, 2008 at 6:32 am

    I used to say “I am the nicest person I know”

    Lately………..not so nice.

    And I will tell you that there aren’t many people who like the Not Nice Me!!!

    jp

  23. Finn Says:
    August 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 am

    Mask? I don’t know. If I did wear one I got rid of it long ago. Trying to put on a brave face is too exhausting. And help never seems to be there when people feel you’re too strong.

    :hug:

  24. Sodapop Says:
    August 22nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    I wear many masks. It depends on the day for what mask I’m wearing. Sometimes, I don’t wear one at all and I feel better.

    However, there are some days when a mask is a requirement to get me through my day.

    There is nothing wrong with being a little bit of both Hilly AND Wonder Woman.

    Sodapops last blog post..Is it nap time yet?

  25. SJ Says:
    August 22nd, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    I would probably be better off if I wore a mask more often, instead of impulsively spouting off whatever I feel at the moment and then regretting it an hour later. It makes people think I’m even more tweaked than I am. :crazy:

    The main mask I wear is at work, where I have to hide my personal beliefs and watch my dirty mouth. It’s not easy working with a bunch of ultra-conservatives.

    I’ve never had enough self-confidence to don any kind of superhero mask. Maybe Invisigirl.

    SJs last blog post..Good music you haven’t heard

  26. Selma Says:
    August 23rd, 2008 at 4:59 am

    I have two masks which I bring out regularly. One of them is Little Miss Efficiency who can deal with anything and the other is my Everything Will Be All Right mask. Sometimes it’s easier to wear them than it is to say :’I'm not coping right now,’ but it can be exhausting. I envy those two year olds who just stand and scream in the street. Now that would be liberating!

    Selmas last blog post..Calling all writers…..

  27. Karl Says:
    August 24th, 2008 at 9:23 am

    Well, you know me better than most people. Much as I’d like to say I don’t wear masks, that’s bullshit. I wear them all the time.

    Karls last blog post..Big News!

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