August 19th, 2008

Home Of The Ten Dollar Lap Dance…

I’m not sure how many people actually know that Shawn and I got married in Las Vegas.  No, no…not by Elvis or some other cheesy mother fucker.  We had a real wedding with all the bells and whistles.  It just happened to be in Vegas, one of our favorite vacations spots (as most of you *do* know).  There’s sort of an infamous story that goes along with the night before our wedding and yes, it has something to do with strippers…sorta.  You see, a bunch of Shawn’s friends were cool enough to fly to Vegas for our wedding and as a result of that, Shawn’s bachelor party.  When my girlfriends and I bid them all adieu, they were talking about “going to the orphanage” and how they’d need ones to give “to the starving girls”.  I remember thinking that I wish *I* was going to the strip club too because the night we had planned was all about yawnaliciousness.  No seriously, we went to dinner, I lost a nail, we bought me a tacky press-on nail, we gambled a little, drank in my room and then I hit the hay.  I remember tossing and turning as each loud hotel patron stumbled by our suite with something to very important to drunkenly scream.  I’d love to blame the fitful night on those doucheswizzles but realistically, I was just nervous.  I had almost frenzied myself into manic bride state when Shawn finally came back to our room at 3am.

“Shawn”, I said, “Where the fuck have you been?  We have to be up early to get our license.”
“We went to the orphanage and it got late. Why are you still awake?”
“I dunno, I guess I am nervous or whatever. I can’t sleep”
“Okay well I am gonna go shower. I smell like booze, smoke and women“.

Aaaaand then the shit hit the fan…rapidly.  We joke about it now, but I just don’t think you come to bed at o’dark thirty in the morning the night before your wedding and announce that you need to wash the smell of cheap cologne and pussy off of your clothes, even if it IS true.  Hell, I am not even one of those women who throws hissies about strip clubs in general.  Like everything else, a strip club in moderation is probably fun.  Not like I know (however Mister Sexypants said he may take me when I visit Portland!). It’s just that…well, that was probably the wrong way for him to word it at the time.  But hey, at least I have a funny story to tell whenever I am in a pinch!

So…fast forward to yesterday after I picked up Shawn from the airport.  He’d been visiting Indiana for ten days, both to see his family and work/hang out at GenCon.  Also?  His birthday was smack dab in the middle of the high holy geek festivities so uh, they all went a little wackadoodle for sure.  Anyhizzle, we decided to go eat lunch at El Torito and catch up, talk, blah blah.  After sitting down, getting much needed agua, ordering my crispy tacos, and asking Shawn how GenCon was, this gets thrown at me…

“So Hil, I want to sort of show you a picture but I am not sure how it will be received.  I don’t know how you will take it.”
“Sigh. Is it a picture of you and your ex kissing or something?”
“No! She wasn’t even there! What would make you think that?”
“Well, that is the only thing I would take out of context and/or ‘receive’ in a tempestuous manner.”
“No, okay so before we start, Darth* bet a hundred dollars…”
“Wait, what? Did you french kiss a dude?”
“No! Why would you think that?”
“Again with the overkill on the caveats.”
“No see…Darth paid…oh let me show you the picture.”
“Ew, is that your ass? No, wait it’s not. Is that Darth’s ass? Your face is drawn on Darth’s ass?”
“No, well see…we went to strip club and Darth paid a stripper one hundred dollars to let him draw my face on her ass with a Sharpie. You know, as a birthday joke.”
“Here’s my main concern, Shawn. THAT IS A STRIPPER’S ASS? I mean, don’t strippers have better asses than that?”
“That’s how I thought you’d react!”

Yeah, clearly. I mean, that is probably how he hoped I’d react, anyway. You see the picture (and there is a larger version here, if you actually want to see how it looks like Shawn has a zit on his forehead…eeeewwww!), so I don’t know if I need to extrapolate any more on the fine offerings of Indiana’s strip club circuit. From what I hear, the strippers there are like, well I’ll be kind and call them “skankalicious”. I’m sort of wondering if their strip clubs are inside of WalMart but hey, there’s no need for me to be mean. And yes yes, I know that I have a wholly imperfect body so don’t think I’m being Judgey McHaterwhore…that is not it at all! I just want to pay for a fantasy that’s actually yanno, worth my money. But what can you hope for at “the home of the ten dollar lap dance” anyway?

Besides the fact that this story made me chuckle greatly, an important discovery was made and a lesson was learned.  Shawn admitted to me today that all of this time that we’ve been married, he thought I was one of “those girls” who hates strip clubs and thinks men who go there are pigs and cheaters.  After picking my fork up off of the floor and subsequently my jaw, I asked him if he’d been high the whole time we were married.  It’s funny how one incident (smelling like perfumed pussy) can cloud someone’s vision when it comes to the generality of things.  Just because that incident bothered me doesn’t mean that all strippy substance makes me cringe.  In fact, I’m the girl that loves porn, strip clubs (well maybe I do), phone sex, dirty flirting and all other sexually healthy things.  Which reminds me, I need to get to that sex post.  Gah, anyway…the lesson here is..fuck it, no lesson, just a story about skanky strippers.

Bambi LaRue Kisses,
Me

*Obviously a fake name.


Posted in Hilly's Story Time, Random Schmandom | Comments (47)

47 Responses to “Home Of The Ten Dollar Lap Dance…”

  1. Stephanie Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    Where the hell in Indiana did he go? I’ll bet it was Indianapolis, downtown area? lol….Wow. (You pay to see THAT?) :crazy:
    Stephanies last blog post..It’s the Night When The Lights Went Out in WordPress.

  2. Hilly Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Haha, yeah…probably was downtown. I know the convention was there and Shawn grew up in Indianapolis too. However, I don’t think as a kid he figured out which strip clubs were best. ;)

  3. Avitable Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    I think most men who would go to strip clubs are pigs and cheaters. I can’t understand why anyone would do that. Even single.

    Avitables last blog post..Fucking hurricane pussies cocksucking shitburger

  4. Hilly Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:13 pm

    What, Adam? Seriously? See I think, just like anything else, it depends on how much and with whom. I’m cool with men going once in awhile with a group of guys for some random party or whatever. However, going once a week, by yourself, until you are broke? Eh, no.

    :halo: :halo:

  5. Sarah Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    If you are going to make a living off your bum then you should have a tighter bum then that.

    Sarahs last blog post..First Impressions

  6. Nat Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    The question is: how much would they have to pay you to draw some dude’s face on your ass?

    Strip clubs. Alas. Not a fan here. Maybe a result of the seedy one I got dragged too where the girls looked either bored or stoned out of their minds. AND they weren’t that hot. The Man had to listen to my tirade about how if he was going to get all hot and bothered over other women, they should look better than me.

    Shrug. But I’m a prude.

    Nats last blog post..All that she needs is home

  7. Hilly Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Sarah: And it should have less zits. Yanno, if that’s your living.

    Nat: I don’t think you are prudish as much as practical. That’s a very excellent point, indeed!

  8. Karl Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    I think I’m more surprised by Avitable’s reaction than anything else. I’ve been to many a strip club, though it’s been a long, long while. Course, I never went when I was married…

    Karls last blog post..Get the Girl

  9. Tug Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    I went to a friend’s bachelorette party at a strip club when I lived in Vegas…dated one of the strippers for a few months. That may have been a little awkward for you though, getting married the next day & all. :cry:
    Tugs last blog post..Old Tree

  10. Winter Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:30 pm

    Hilly we need to go to Captain Cream’s. LMAO

    Oh, and my friend Jen who works in Indy and lives nearby says she hasn’t heard of any “good” strip clubs in Indy, downtown or otherwise. *snicker*

    Winters last blog post..My Bitch Mary

  11. Hilly Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:32 pm

    Karl: Me too, actually. That Adam! However, I don’t care if men go to strip clubs when they are married IF and ONLY IF they have that understanding with their wives.

    Tug: Yes well, it was a mess in my head that night anyway! :crazy:

    Winter: Ahhh, Captain Cream’s. Every time I see that place, I think of Karl for some odd reason.

  12. blondefabulous Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    Strip clubs aren’t bad, weird coked out fuckers who go nuts in them are bad, but your hubby wasn’t one of “those” patrons….. he just had his face drawn on a zitty stripper’s ass. All in all, he could have broken it to you in an even WORSE way. Like, “Hey honey, did I mention that my face was on a strippers ass during my birthday celebrations?” Yeah, that would have gone over like a lead ballon! :devil:
    blondefabulouss last blog post..The Weatherman Was Smoking Crack!

  13. floating princess Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:42 pm

    I’ve been to strip clubs a couple of times and it’s kind of fun with a group. The thing I won’t do again is go to a male stripper show. They don’t have the same no touching rules that the girl strippers have and at my sister’s bachelorette party one of them licked me.! :green: It was creepalicious and just…ewwww.

  14. diane Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 8:46 pm

    My fella asked me on our second date how I felt about strip clubs. Uh…wow. Loaded question!
    I told him I find them kind of gross and sad for all parties involved, but I would never tell him what he could or could not do.
    Turns out he was invited to one that weekend and didn’t really want to go. He hoped that I’d object so that he’d have an “out”. That’s not the only time he’s tried to get me to be the scapegoat, either, but I won’t take the bait, dammit!

  15. adena Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    That is not an attractive ass.

    I would have reacted exactly like you, FYI.

    What the hell? Couldn’t you have paid for a better ass?

    I have no problem w/ guys going to strip clubs…I mean…so freaking what?

    adenas last blog post..Look at me! I’m famous!

  16. Tori Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    i always have fun at strip clubs, but overall i think they’re kinda icky as a whole. that whole “anything in moderation” thing kind of applies here.

    Toris last blog post..Outside or inside?

  17. Hilly Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    blondefabulous: Oddly enough, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Oh wait, are you talking about the wedding night one?

    floating princess: Yeah um, ew. Not okay for a male stripper to lick me either. :green:

    diane: Haha, good for you! Also, I suspect a level of grossness too. I hope the one I visit isn’t to erm, sticky.

    Adena: Exactly! On all points! :clap:

    Tori: Can I just repeat my last comment? Exactly! :clap:

  18. Dagny Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 9:25 pm

    I can’t believe that you’ve never been to a strip club. That needs to be rectified.

    The first one I went to? (Yeah, I’ve been in more than one.) The women were definitely skankalicious. So much so that my guy friends wanted a refund of their cover charge.

    Don’t ask me about the second one I’ve been in. I was too busy relieving myself of the cocktails I had had earlier that evening. I do know that the ladies were relieved though when they saw me exit the stall. They thought that it was one of their own in the stall. Hmmm. Maybe one day I should tell the story of how I ended up in the place in the first place.

    Dagnys last blog post..The Omnivore’s 100

  19. martymankins Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    I’ve been to many a strip club, single and married, drunker than shit and stone cold sober. When I didn’t have much money (no lap dances that visit) and when I had a good year (lap dances for everyone).

    I have no issues with strip clubs, stripping, lap dances and dollar dances. I think it’s a good release for someone that knows how to take it for what it is (temporary release and having fun).

    As for Adam’s response, it’s hard to tell if he’s serious or not (I’ve not read every one of the above comments), but i\f he is serious, I can respect how people would feel about that. I don’t agree, but in some cases, I think that response is warranted.

    martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #18

  20. Sybil Law Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    I don’t have a problem with strip clubs. They are sad, seedy places no matter how “nice” they are, and I have been to a few, but they do nothing for me.
    But that nasty stripper’s ass is exactly why porn grosses me out. They get these close-ups (of course), and then you see some zit and think, “Herpes!”, or whatever, and it’s all just downhill from there.

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Give It Away Now

  21. Iron Fist Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 12:24 am

    I hate to even admit this…but I’ve been to a strip club in Indiana. It was nine years ago for my friend’s last minute, completely unplanned bachelor party. It was at a strip mall (appropriately enough, I guess) in the city of Kokomo near where he lived.

    And yeah…that stripper ass is pretty representative, from what I remember.

    Iron Fists last blog post..races

  22. Mr. Snackie Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 12:57 am

    “I think most men who would go to strip clubs are pigs and cheaters. I can’t understand why anyone would do that. Even single.”

    Sweeping generalities KICK ASS! The PRB is in full effect!

    For the record, I am neither a cheater nor a pig. I am, however, a fan of pig. Mmmm… bacon. I’d never cheat on bacon.

  23. Miss Britt Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 5:28 am

    Wow. I am SOOOO “one of those girls”.

    The first thing I thought when I saw that picture was “damn, that poor girl. How freaking degrading would that be?”

    *sigh* I’m such a sap.

    Miss Britts last blog post..When Can I Start Teaching My Daughter About Feminism?

  24. Avitable Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 5:33 am

    I went to bed after my comment so I didn’t have a chance to reply.

    I cannot understand why anyone would want to go to a nasty, dirty, scuzzy strip club to watch some random homely girl (who is a step away from being a hooker) strip. You’d probably catch chlamydia just sitting there.

    If I did go to one, I know that Amy wouldn’t care, because she’d know that I wouldn’t touch a stripper with a ten-foot pole.

    Avitables last blog post..Forget THE MAN, it’s all about the old folk

  25. radioactive tori Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 6:04 am

    I have never been to a strip club, but don’t object to the idea outright. I’m not sure it would be for me, but I am not the boss of what the world does. I do think it sucks when men lie about where they have been, or know their wives/girlfriends object and still go though. For me it all boils down to respect, and what everyone in the relationship is comfortable with. BUT, if that is the ass of a stripper, I am pretty sure it wouldn’t be for me.

    What is funny is that you wrote about the misunderstanding and how he thought for a long time that you objected to one thing when really it was another. When we were first married, my husband told me a huge lie. I got really mad and actually considered ending the marriage right then. I am talking about a week into it. We got through it, and I thought he understood that I was angry that he lied and that the lie was what made me distrust everything he said for a long while. He thought I objected to the thing he lied about more than the lie and not too long ago we were talking about something with someone else and he said “tori’s against…” I had the same jaw falling on the floor moment. It shocked me that he would think THAT was the part I objected to the most.

    I have never been to a strip club, but I do like porn (why do I feel like that is not ok to admit?), so I’m thinking I’d have to actually go to a strip club before I could be for or against it. It would only be fair, right?

    radioactive toris last blog post..First Day of School

  26. NYCWD Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 6:18 am

    If you consider that 90% of the guys attending GenCon haven’t left their basement for social activity with women since the LAST GenCon… then that’s one hawt peace of ass. I heard bad reviews on GenCon this year… so those strippers probably saw more business than usual.

    I prefer the strip clubs with the buffets. The food is usually better than the casino buffets.

    NYCWDs last blog post..Don’t Trust Whitey

  27. Employee No. 3699 Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 7:09 am

    I hope she took that $100 and bought some Proactiv!

    Employee No. 3699s last blog post..Would You Rather Wednesday…

  28. Hilly Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 7:50 am

    Dagny: You most definitely SHOULD tell that story!

    Marty: I think you are totally right about that. I must be defective because I don’t see a damned thing wrong with it.

    Sybil: Hahaha, totally! What kills me are the strip clubs with buffets…like I want to eat there! :green:

    Sexypants: Why oh why does that not surprise me? I mean, not that I think you are a strip club pervaholic…just, you seem to go a lot of interesting places.

    Mistah Snackie: Yeah, I am not exactly a fan of sweeping generalities either…I know, it shocks you. I wonder if stripper bacon tastes good?

    Britt: What’s really awful is that she was so excited to do it and was eager to charge them her normal ten dollars. Darth was like, “no no, we have to give you more, blah blah”. I don’t feel sorry for her though…you know why, no need to rehash the porn star show. ;)

    Avitable: Uh well, to each his own. Live and let live. More platitudes to follow…

    Tori: That’s actually a really healthy attitude…I hate condemning things when I haven’t tried them myself. But yeah, it is amazing how one part of a conversation can stick in someone’s brain for so long, making them think something that is nowhere near true. Also? You can always admit to liking porn here…it’s allowed at my place.

    Dawg: Haha, I juuuuust was commenting to Sybil about the buffets. They scare me. I’m afraid the ranch dressing is not ranch, boom chicka boom. ;)

  29. Hilly Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 7:51 am

    E3699: Hahaha, you made me snort.
    :clap:

  30. Avitable Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 8:20 am

    A dollar a day keeps the lawyer away?

    I know that my opinion with that is generally unpopular, but that’s just how I personally feel about it.

  31. Hilly Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 8:24 am

    I hear ya…my opinion on sex, strip clubs and porn isn’t very popular with *women* most times.

  32. Avitable Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 8:33 am

    The thing is, I’m only like that when it comes to strip clubs and prostitutes. You already know how I feel about porn, and I’m pretty open about anything to do with sex.

    It might just have to do with the ick factor of strip clubs and my anti-germ stance.

  33. Atomic Bombshell Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 8:39 am

    Too funny.

  34. Finn Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 9:33 am

    What do you expect for ten bucks?

    I actually go to strip clubs with my husband on ocassion (with a group). It’s fun for like 10 minutes, but then it’s just boring. Even when the strippers hit on you. Because there’s a reason it’s so dark in there.

    Finns last blog post..Assessment

  35. Lisa Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Gack! That’s one scary looking ass.

    And, yes… the strip clubs in Portland are fun!

    Lisas last blog post..when the working day is done, oh girls… they wanna have fun

  36. Göran Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 11:15 am

    This post was Hillylarious :-)

  37. hello haha narf Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    i’ve gone to strip clubs with the guys i have dated and every one of them said i ruined it for them…they had so much fun with me there that going with the guys or alone would be awful. but damn, we had a blast while we were there.

    strange thing is, clubs for us, women get all wild, hooting and hollerin at male strippers while most men in their clubs just sit there, not talking. completely different reaction to someone of the opposite sex taking their clothes off.

    i have fun in either club, though. love people taking their clothing off.

    wouldn’t bang any of them, but i like watching them dance and TAKE IT OFF!!

    hello haha narfs last blog post..Honk If You Love Insanity

  38. metalmom Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    My sons go to the “tittybars” (as they call them) They’ve even met a few of their favorite porn stars. (I’ve seen the autographed 8×10 glossies) Son1’s girlfriend and I keep asking to go along and they keep telling us no. *sigh*

    I like to see hot women dance. Male strippers? No thanks. Men’s bodies are just funny looking.

    metalmoms last blog post..Dressin’ Up Purty

  39. Crys Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    oh no, i must be in the minority here (haven’t read all the comments, though). i’ve been to strip clubs (female/male) and i don’t know, if my husband came home and showed me that picture?

    i’d cut off his balls with a rusty knife. i am a jealous bitch.

    am i wrong?

    if loving me is wrong, i don’t wanna be right!

    Cryss last blog post..Things You Ought To Know

  40. Stacey Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    As soon as I read “strip club” I thought, “Holy hell, that is one ugly stripper ass!” Then when I read down to your response I, of course, laughed like crazy.

    I know a couple male strippers, but have fortunately seen them only with clothes on.

    Staceys last blog post..Don’t Say Funny Things If You Don’t Want Them Subsequently Blogged

  41. heartache heartburn Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 11:04 pm

    I have never been to a strip club but would be fine going to one. Actually I’m sure I would be the one sitting in the corner wide-eyed just taking it all in. I’ve lived a fairly conservative life and would love to see some of those kind of things. Just for a point of reference of course!

    heartache heartburns last blog post..How will it end?

  42. Deb Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 2:11 am

    LOVE how your posts are always so thought provoking Hilly. I think the girl’s bum is a nice shape and the blemishes just prove she’s human ! Better that Shawn’s face was drawn on her backside rather than the other way round right? Don’t know how I would feel if my partner showed me that pic - insecure - probably and maybe I would want to get my own back? Deb X

  43. Crys Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 5:01 am

    an addendum, in case i come off looking like a prude: porn is hot. i don’t like really graphic RIGHT UP IN THE KOO-KOO porn, because that shit is bananas, but i do like maybe one or two levels up from Skinemax. god, i think what i’m admitting here is that i like porn made by women for women. you know the kind i’m talking about; some kind of romantic bullshit in the background and not all just LET ME SEE YOUR SPHINCTER WITH MY CAWK.

    ok, i still suck, i shouldn’t have even commented

    Cryss last blog post..Buy the book

  44. Hilly Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:26 am

    Adam: Yeah well, I have to agree that there is no amount of hand sanitizer to take away the grody germ factor in a strip club!

    AB: Thanks :).

    Finn: Dually noted. I will try to NOT get my hopes up too high!

    Lisa: I know my ass is scarier but damn, Gina…she makes a living with her ass!

    Goran: Merci, monsieur.

    Becky: That is a totally astute observation. I’ve seen in that way in movies but had no idea if it was really like that. And now, thanks to you, I do know!

    MM: Yeah I have no desire to see male strippers….ever.

    Stacey: So you are another one for the “no nude men” vote? Niiice.

    HH: Of course, reference. I mean, why else would anyone go? ;)

    Deb X: Well that is an interesting point, that it shows her humanity.

    Crys: I realize that most women would probably find that picture offensive if their husbands showed it to them. And I do love ya, so I don’t wanna be right. And your second comment was actually totally awesome! I hate that close up gonzo porn too…I want a story, preferably someone corrupting someone else. Yeah, I am a perv.

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    August 21st, 2008 at 8:43 pm

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  46. Whit Says:
    August 23rd, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    What’s a strip club? :halo:
    Whits last blog post..Maybe the Cold Turkey Ate Your Baby

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