August 15th, 2008

So You Go And You Stand On Your Own…

I didn’t really check my email yesterday…at all.  Therefore, this morning when I really poured through it, I saw quite a few messages from people letting me know that they are here for me if I want to talk.  Although I didn’t delete any of those emails, answering them back was not a top priority either.

I guess I should explain…

I’m a total isolator, if you know what I mean.  When things get to be too much, I am quite content to cut myself off from other people and just veg on my own.  Those that think that it’s sad and worry that it aids me to live too much inside of my head, you may be right.  However, that’s really only half of it.  The stage where I am now is the one where I throw myself into an old TV series on DVD and escape there, freeing my mind of the many thoughts that swirl in and out, over and over.  I have no idea if this is healthy or not but it helps me greatly to do so.  As long as I am aware of what I am doing and also have the strength to cut myself off from the “escape fest”, then who the fuck am I hurting by eating sunflower seeds and watching season six of Charmed all day long?  Certainly not you.  And really, certainly not myself.

Slowly but surely, I am starting to resurface.  I may spend this afternoon curled up with a book or lost in yet another TV series (like Damages).  I actually have quite a few errands to run and while I am out, maybe I will go sit on the beach for awhile and “think about what I’ve done”.  Heh.  Maybe later on, if I’m feeling extra daring, I’ll turn back on my Twitter text delivery.  Yep, I turned it off last night because I just need to not look at some of those things today.  So far you’re impressed, right?  I mean, what a rebellious nature!  Seriously though, the creme de la creme is the fact that my friend Scott invited me to an all day beach party/barbecue for his 40th Birthday tomorrow which means that I HAVE to take off my “me time” cap and put on my dancing shoes.  By then, the extreme social interaction will actually be a necessity so all in all, I say this works out perfectly!

In any case, if I’ve not answered you back through whatever medium, I am not some snotty bitch who is ignoring you and/or has deleted your email.  Chances are that right now it’s just too hard for me to talk about it…again.  Believe it or not, even *I* am sick of my own shit.  If I talk about my stomach ache one more time, by the way, someone has permission to slap me!  If I bitch about how I got my period yesterday, in the middle of my stomach virus AND already being a bit sad, someone else has permission to shove giant cupcakes down my throat!  If I look at you with tears welled up in my eyes, telling you just how much you mean to me and that I am thankful for all of you, someone has permission to hug me and mayyyybe even kiss me.  Maybe.

:cake: Happy Birthday To Shawn Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Snackie Snark | Comments (48)

48 Responses to “So You Go And You Stand On Your Own…”

  1. John Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:00 am

    I think it’s good that you’re doing whatever it is that you feel like is good for HILLY. : )

    And Happy Birthday Shawn. : )

    Johns last blog post..The Great Interview Experiment - Manager Mom

  2. Dagny Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:02 am

    My me time usually consists of a combo of music played loudly over headphones (so I don’t have to hear anything else) or a bunch of 80s movies (Love that John Hughes).

    Now these cupcakes … What flavor should they be or will any do?

    Dagnys last blog post..The person I wish I was

  3. diane Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:03 am

    Totally, totally understand. Sometimes it is a week before anyone knows anything is wrong with me because I tend to crawl into myself with that information.
    My mom pointed out that the olympics have probably been a good thing for a lot of people to just zone out and not focus on their problems. I agree, I think it’s worked for me! :D

  4. adena Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:18 am

    I know. :)

    Isolate all you want, chicka. I totally understand.

    adenas last blog post..Olympic Walking

  5. kat Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:22 am

    conventional wisdom dictates otherwise, but i firmly believe the smiths are good for the soul.

  6. Karl Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:22 am

    I get the isolation thing. I’m the same way. No worries…do what you need to do and the blogiverse will still be around whenever.

    Karls last blog post..Effing Computers

  7. Poppy Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:35 am

    I’m an isolator too, but I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to work on this because I know how upsetting it is to my loved ones. If I am really bugged by something you can see it on my face but it doesn’t come out my mouth until I’ve mulled it over. It causes tension, it causes strife, it causes unintended bad feelings of varying degrees. I know it’s not my fault how people interpret me, but I am the catalyst of it, and I could at least eek out “I will talk with you about this when I can, but right now I need to think on it.”

    Anyway, live your life how you need to live it, it’s cool by me.

    Poppys last blog post..This explains why my favorite number is 4, right?

  8. Princess of the Universe Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:37 am

    I’m more than happy to send cupcakes your way.
    I do the same thing when depressed- not answering the phone etc. And I catch up on Buffy and Lost episodes.
    xoxoxo
    :oy:
    Princess of the Universes last blog post..Maybe I Should Get a Pet??

  9. Tori Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:39 am

    I totally understand… but for the record, I miss the hell outta our chats and stuff… so when you’re ready… text me or something! deal?

    Toris last blog post..Who’s ‘da man?

  10. Hilly Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:40 am

    JOHN: Thanks, sweetie. You’re always a good friend. :sleep:

    DAGNY: Cupcakes are the one thing I am NOT picky about, but my fave is red velvet. Mmmmm.

    DIANE: That is a really good point. It seems like a lot of people have been off doing their thang during the Olympics. Maybe a much needed “break” for all?

    ADENA: I know that you know. If anyone knows, it’s you.

    KAT: You and I are like…right here on that.

    POPPY: Holy shit, again! Are we twins or what? At least sisters? I do that whole “talk after thinking on it” thing too.

    PRINCESS: Ooooh Buffy…now there’s a good idea!

    KARL: You better make sure. If the PRB leaves, I’ll die, just die! ;)

  11. Hilly Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am

    TORI: Total deal! I haven’t been on chat much at all and when I am, I stay on away. As soon as I am back to it, you will be my first! :pph:

  12. Finn Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am

    Wallowing is good, I think. Until it’s not.

    Sounds like you have the situation in hand. :hug:
    Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo Lesson: My Heart

  13. Hilly Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 10:44 am

    FINN: Haha, you sound like me. The other day I said, “Things are gonna be what they’re gonna be…until they aren’t”. Luckily my friend (actually it was Shiny) totally understood what that meant.

  14. Sybil Law Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 11:01 am

    I tend to go into hermit mode, so I get what you’re saying/ doing. Fine by me! But I’ll bet tomorrow you’re going to have a blast! :sleep:
    Um, I hope that comes up as a martini glass, because it says sleep.
    Anyway, you do what you need to - the world is always here!

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Give It Away Now

  15. The Baroness Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 11:06 am

    I am completely like that and my friends don’t understand that I just want to be left alone! And they get all snooty if I don’t respond to their phone calls. Well, I never! lol
    Spending some time alone makes you more grateful for what you have.

    The Baronesss last blog post..An open letter to MTV about their remake of Rocky Horror

  16. Poppy Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Yes, we are long lost sisters. I have a few of these. You’re in good company.

    And, the next time I’m acting like this I might ask you to talk with Dawg about how I’m not being a jackass on purpose. He’s a New Yorker, he’s used to talkers. :)
    Poppys last blog post..This explains why my favorite number is 4, right?

  17. Miss Britt Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 11:25 am

    OHHHHHHHHH.

    Well, this makes a lot of sense now.

    I am NOT an isolator so it always throws me off when someone I care about does it. One of my best friends is an isolator and oh MAN have we had some missteps because of our different “coping” styles.

    For completely selfish reasons, thanks for explaining. :)
    Miss Britts last blog post..A Giveaway! Help me quit smoking!

  18. jenny Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 11:29 am

    I think mindless entertainment is sometimes the absolute best thing when you’re spending too much time in your head. I highly recommend Weeds if you don’t already watch that.

    And you can totally bitch about getting your period on top of a stomach virus. That’s doubly sucky!

    Hope you feel better soon!

    jennys last blog post..Coupla Things

  19. Sarah Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 11:29 am

    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you since you have the party and all to go to (I read that right didn’t I, it’s tomorrow?). Hilly you’re a strong woman and you’ll get through it all the way that suits you best and if it involves watching seasons of shows I’m only going to recommend one thing. Don’t watch Army Wives unless you want to cry at every single episode. But Charmed is always a good choice.

    Sarahs last blog post..Everyone’s Quitting. You should too

  20. radioactive tori Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    I am not consistent with how I deal with problems. Half the time I want to talk and talk and talk until I feel better, and the other half I need to be alone to deal with things. That leaves people around me confused and never quite sure what I want. I think it is because even I don’t really know what I want.

    Usually I want to talk until I stop wanting to talk and then everyone needs to leave me the hell alone. But I don’t say that, I just get grumpy and quiet.

    I think you are doing what is good for you right now, and I have no doubt that when you need someones help, you will ask. You certainly know enough people care about you and would be your soft place to land if you needed one (myself included!) I am always here for you if you need me.

    radioactive toris last blog post..Optimistic/Pessimistic

  21. TUWABVB Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    I’m a total isolator as well. And I get so pissed when people don’t seem to understand that and have the “nerve” to bother me with every day business. Can’t they read my mind and know that I’m in my hermit-mode?

    But I also go to the other extreme which is dangerous - you know, the one where you fake that everything is okay and you smile and nod through the tears until one day you have a meltdown. I guess that’s why people don’t get it when I’m trying to be a hermit.

    Anyway, I’m thinking about you!

    TUWABVBs last blog post..Glittr Like It’s the 80s

  22. Hilly Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    SYBIL: Yeah, the cocktail icon got mixed up in a scandal with the sleep verbiage and now they’re stuck that way!

    BARONESS: Ah, that is exactly it! By the time I come out of my little isolation booth, I appreciate everything that much more.

    POPPY: Ha! I totally will. A lot of people don’t realize that it’s LESS douchey of me to keep quiet because uh, the words could come out very very mean.

    BRITT: Well, you are welcome. I’d rather put it out there, tell people who I am honestly, etc. That way, there are no hurt feelings. I hate it when people are getting hurt feelings when my only intention is to be a depressed whore…geez. ;)

    JENNY: Weeds is one of my favorite shows! Today I am switching to Buffy…at least that is a little more kitsch than Charmed!

    SARAH: Oh my holy HELL, that Army Wives show is depressing. I actually haven’t watched ANY of it this season after the first episode. I was too depressed and deleted them all, haha.

    RADIOACTIVE TORI: Yeah, I do that too. Like, I can be all quiet and isolated then immediately snap out of it. For example, I watched TV all day yesterday but suddenly leaped up, got dressed and ran to meet a friend for tea in the middle of all that. SO yeah, consistency is not always key over here either. :crazy:

    TUWABVB: Ah, you and I are alike on that one too. I fake it til I make it, then til I psuedo-make it. Finally, I can’t take it anymore and disappear. I should maybe work on that first part…yanno, someday.

  23. Poppy Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    After I calmed down (over something that was nothing, OF COURSE, gditwhyisitalwaysNOTHING?) I shared one sample of the words that had been floating around in my head last night, just to express how good it was that I had wandered off to “think on it”. I regret even having done that. I had an entire argument in my head, it’s best kept there.

    Poppys last blog post..I totally feel like a New Yorker now.

  24. Göran Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 2:37 pm

    Be good to yourself. Prio 1.
    It´s good that people/friends care but if they demand you call them back asap it´s a different agenda. You know.

  25. Avitable Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    I like to isolate myself and then hope for my friends to butt in and make me do stuff.

  26. Stephanie Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    Isolater here, as well.

    Also? On the rag.

    Want to go get drunk with me, but sit alone at different tables and ignore each other? :sleep: :twitch: :crazy:
    Stephanies last blog post..The hell on earth called the license branch.

  27. Mattie Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    I isolated myself so much this week while in the hosp. that I wouldn’t let my husband and daughter visit me. And then I cried because I was lonely and in pain. How fucking stupid is that?

    Can I say fucking here? Or would fraking be better? No fucking is what I feel so fucking is what it is.

    Unless you delete this. Then I’ll know how fucking wrong I was.

    Hugs to you kid!

  28. Sarah Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    I know. This season was really good, but OMG so sad. Pretty much can guarantee that every Sunday I’ll be bawling my eyes out.
    But I stick around because that Trevor LeBlanc is pretty darn dreamy.

    Sarahs last blog post..Everyone’s Quitting. You should too

  29. flickrlovr Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    I commend you for taking care of yourself…however that happens best for you.
    :cup: or :sleep: or :devil: or :cry:

    Whatever works for you, darling.

    I’m totally with you on the isolation too, by the way. I find that having a date my iPod and some comforters and the bed is a good way to get over whatever I’m sulking about. Usually. But then again, friends sometimes help too. *sigh*

    I’m a bit inconsistent.

  30. suze Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    Do whatever makes you feel good Hilly - taking care of you, even if that means withdrawing for a while, is what’s most important.

    Big hugs!

    suzes last blog post..when everything’s made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am…

  31. kim Says:
    August 15th, 2008 at 9:42 pm

    Definitely an isolator. Even if I can’t be, I won’t talk to anyone until I can laugh about what is bothering me. Will not cry in front of people. Well, there are a select few, but just a handful

    Forgot I share a birthday with Shawn. Happy birthday.

    Here’s to you feeling better! :sleep:

  32. Lady Jaye Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 6:46 am

    I’m a total isolator as well. Sometimes it’s best to just veg out in our own minds until we’re at the place where we can deal with others again. I know I had that experience earlier this week. Regardless we all :pph: you.

    Lady Jayes last blog post..Choose Me

  33. Lisa Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 7:44 am

    I’m sorry that you are having such a tough time of it between emotional and physical issues. It’s good that you are going to get out today and socialize though. My guess is that you will enjoy being around people and have a good time.

    I learned the hard way what happens when I isolate. I fell into a pit of depression last fall that almost killed me and I’m never going back there again so even when I don’t want people around I keep them near so that I don’t get into trouble.

  34. Hilly Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 8:18 am

    POPPY: I am always trying to keep that stuff in my head, too. I am so insane cause I will say, “Let’s just let it go, okay?”. Then, once whomever says okay, I start explaining myself. Ha, I need meds! :crazy:

    GORAN: Exactly. Knowing the agenda is key.

    AVITABLE: So you’re a sneaky isolation machine, then? I dig that.

    STEPH: Yes, meet me tonight for dinner and drinks. YOU sit way the fuck over there though and maybe we’ll wave at each other from across the room. ;)

    MATTIE: I just started reading about your hospital stuff this morning and am working my way through your story. That had to be some tough fucking shit. And yes, if you can’t say FUCKING here, then I don’t know where else you can!

    SARAH: Funny that he is in Charmed too. Although, when Julian McMahon was on that show, it was much more drool worthy.

    FLICKRLOVR: I think we are all a bit inconsistent that way. I woke up this morning wondering who I could talk to first so yeah, I am pretty sure that I am over the need to shut the doors and disappear.

    SUZE: Right back atcha, baby!

    KIM: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, LA LA LA LA LA LA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! :cake: :sleep:

    LJ: Thanks for being so cool, missy.

    LISA: I think the key is knowing when to hold em and when to fold em, so to speak. I am really good at pulling myself back out of it, which I did today.

  35. Foo Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 9:28 am

    I’m pretty sure we’ve got this whole thing down. If you need me, you know I’m here. If I need you, I know you are there for me. Done deal, no worries, no B.S. games. Take the time you need to figure stuff out. Love you.

    Foos last blog post..I’m good…just busy.

  36. MB Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 11:16 am

    I’m glad you unplugged for some “me” time. Your friends will all be there when you decide to plug back in.

    Big hugs and kisses,
    MB

    MBs last blog post..Priorities ….

  37. Bully Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    As tempting as your cherry-lip gloss might be to me, I’d settle for just a hug. :-)
    I understand about the whole isolating thing, and that’s why I haven’t “hovered” too much over you. I just at times have wanted you to know someone out here cares. Sometimes, it’s enough right?

    I think when we have enough pile up, we tend to turn it inward then. We may feature bursts of emotion as we process, but it’s predominantly in inward activity if it is important. It’s okay. (hugs)

    Happy B-day to Shaun–

  38. UnkeyMonkey Michael Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    …”and you leave on your own, and you go home and you cry and you want to die.” -The Smiths

    :pph:
    UnkeyMonkey Michaels last blog post..Michael Does The 80s

  39. Nat Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    I am guilty of vacationitis here, and have been neglecting everyone.

    Now, you know where we all are if you need.

    Hugs.

    Nats last blog post..Heads off

  40. Depressing Videos and Yearbook Photos | SecondHand Tryptophan Says:
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  41. Hilly Says:
    August 17th, 2008 at 12:24 am

    DIDDY: You know and I know that we are like knowing. ;)

    MB: Thanks for the hugs and kisses. They helped!

    UNKEY: :pph: :pph: :pph: :pph:

    NAT: Glad to have you back. Like I said before, you were sorely missed.

  42. Winter Says:
    August 17th, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    You just gotta do what feels right. Maybe it’s wrong in the long run, but in the moment if it feels right… yanno? I’ve been looking at twats the past few days, not talking too much myself. I’ve kinda been in the isolationist mode too. But I’ve been thinking about you. There were a few twats here and there that made me want to pick up the phone and just ask you how you were feeling. But then you’d twat something and the feeling would go away. Plus, I know lots of people were sending you those emails and twats. I might not say it all the time, but I am always here for you. I know this wasn’t the greatest week/weekend for you. I was thinking of you though. *HUGS*

    Happy birthday to Shawn too!

    Winters last blog post..Manga Sunday

  43. MB Says:
    August 17th, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    I’ve been wanting to join the whole twitter thing for a while but can’t get over the fact that I’d start saying things like “I’ve been looking at twats,” or “you’d twat something.” It makes me laugh every single time. Is it just me or does anyone else think something dirty when you hear the word “twat.” Is it an east coast thing? LOL

    I agree it’s always a good idea to unplug and get away from the electronics and just get in your own head for a while especially when you are going through life altering changes.

    Hang in there, Hilly.

    XOXO

    MBs last blog post..No Place Like Home

  44. Selma Says:
    August 18th, 2008 at 5:52 am

    I am definitely an isolator. Watching DVDs all day long and eating apples and chocolate have saved my life many times. I am all for a bit of isolation because I believe it affords solace to those who need it. Take care, dear Hilly.

    Selmas last blog post..Time It Was

  45. hello haha narf Says:
    August 18th, 2008 at 5:34 pm

    i run away from the world often.

    hilly, you are free to talk about your belly or your weight or damn periods or your marriage or anything you want. we love you.
    :pph:
    hello haha narfs last blog post..Pimpin Me Out

  46. jane Says:
    August 18th, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    I’m totally an isolator, but I like it & don’t understand why it bothers others. Like you said, as long as you aren’t hurting anybody or yourself. By now you’ve gone to the beach, right? I hope you had a good time; the last few days have been really nice.

    janes last blog post..1 reason why I’m anonymous

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