August 25th, 2008

That I Would Be Good Even If I Gained Ten Pounds…

I smiled when I heard the announcement over the Southwest Airlines PA System…“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Our flight into Sacramento is on time so as soon as the plane empties out, we’ll begin boarding. Just so you know, there are only about 54 people booked on this flight so it looks as if it will be a comfortable ride!”. That gate agent, who was probably more than thrilled to deliver good news then take our tickets, had no idea just how much he had completely made my day. You see, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not comfortable with my body.

Blah blah blah, lather, rinse, repeat, get over it, repeat, get over it again.

In any case, when you fly as an overweight person there is an added struggle to air travel. One very prevalent issue is that a lot of the time, your average size person does not want to sit next to an overweight person. Hell, I don’t even spill into a second seat like some people do and yet, I am extremely careful not to even touch the person in the seat next to me. I do this by tensing up and squish myself as close to the window as I can go. Sure, I feel all achy in my joints when I finally get up but hey, I’ve saved myself embarrassment, right?. Pshht. The second issue that some people suffer through is the embarrassment of having to get a seat belt extender.  My fat ass worries about that too, quite honestly.

Before anyone rolls his or her eyes, I am not self-deprecating here.  I’m only tackling a subject that not many people are comfortable enough to talk about. So there!

To be completely honest, I’m at that point where I can either squeeze the hell out of my fat ass and fit the seatbelt around me, crushing my little squishy spots OR I can get over it and ask for the damned extender, just to be more comfortable.  Now usually, I just don’t ask and squeeze in nice and tight until I arrive at my destination with red welts across my belly and the deluded notion that I definitely am not that fat.  Oh yes, sometimes that comes with a side of heartburn so bad that I’m dropping Tums into 7up as if it were a awesome new cocktail that I’d just fucking invented.  Quite honestly, it’s pathetic.

While the simple answer to all of this is “lose weight”, it’s not the only answer.  Until the time when I get over myself and decide to not let my emotional crutch be food, I have to start living with the body that I *do* have.  I’m not quite sure exactly where this attitude came from so suddenly on Friday afternoon, but as I found myself entering the plane and asking the steward for a seatbelt extension, I honestly did not give a fuck about who snickered because I needed one.  I didn’t *need* one and yet at the same time, I guess I did.  Anyway, when I asked for the damned thing, I did not whisper.  I did not lower my face, covering it with my hair.  I did not do it with an embarrassed smile.  I just asked for it in my normal voice then said “thank you” with the same kind of smile I’d have given my local barista after he hooked me up with my liquid crack.

I finally owned who I am, not who I am striving to be one day.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have lofty goals and realistic expectations when it comes to getting back in shape.  I know myself well enough to know that food is my addiction just like others use booze or drugs.  When life calms down and my soul is a bit happier (which it is starting to be now, btw) then the food won’t matter as much and the weight will melt away.  Eventually, I’ll figure out how to NOT turn to food the next time I am miserable.  These are all things I know and all things I’m finally starting to really fucking look at with honest eyes.  However, in the meantime, I need to not be ashamed of who I am.

I am overweight.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am funny.
I’m good in bed.
And I am a million other things that have nothing to do with my weight, thanks.

And yet, I let it own me more than I should. I only have glimpses of moments where I feel and act sexy or whatever else.  The tapes constantly play in my head though…asking and wondering who is talking about me or laughing at me.  Uhhh, gee…egotistical much?  I guess I’m just done worrying about it.  Those who love me, love me…and all of me.

I almost think that self-improving by loving myself no matter what is the first step to actually taking off the weight successfully this time.  How can I do something good for my body when I hate it so much?  That’s completely counterproductive and I’m done.  You hear me?  Done.

Love To Love Me, Baby Kisses,
Me

Posted in Health and Wellness, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (45)

45 Responses to “That I Would Be Good Even If I Gained Ten Pounds…”

  1. AmyD Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    You are setting a wickedly cool example for the rest of us. :rock

    I’m not even willing to up my jean size yet and therefore will not purchase any now.

    AmyDs last blog post..Mussel Love

  2. whall Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    I love how you write.

    whalls last blog post..Stuff you don’t want to MISC, #57

  3. diane Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    :clap:

    I give you credit for one thing–while I know you’re not rolling over into the seats next to you and probably don’t need to be so self-conscious, at least you are CONSIDERATE of your fellow passengers, which is more than I can say for 97% of air travellers…many of whom are not overweight but are smelly, rude, and eat things they shouldn’t eat on an airplane. THOSE people are the ones who should be self conscious! :0

  4. Diane Mandy Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:14 pm

    Good for you, Hilly! I wish more could follow your lead on this.

    Diane Mandys last blog post..I’m the map!

  5. Dave2 Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    Good in bed? Good at WHAT in bed?

    Like pillow fights? Because I’m awesome at pillow fights!

    Dave2s last blog post..Bullet Sunday 95

  6. Nat Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Love this post my dear. It’s a hard road. I’m not sure I love my body nearly as much as I should. The healing starts on the inside — one itty bitty step at a time.

    Nats last blog post..For the Record…

  7. Miss Britt Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    :clap:
    Miss Britts last blog post..Why Do I Blog About My Marriage?

  8. Ammie aka Sleeping Mommy Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    God am I with you. I’m really working to accept who I am no matter my size and to take better care of myself, including finding nice clothes that fit, instead of living my life in sweats and t shirts.

    By the way, I once “faked” wearing a seatbelt on a plane because I couldn’t buckle it at all–and I refused to ask for an extender.

    Ammie aka Sleeping Mommys last blog post..It’s fun to PLAY at the YMCA

  9. *pixie* Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    You are a beautiful writer. I saw so many things that reflect who I am and how I feel about myself in this post. Food as a crutch, being happy in my own body, mere glimpses of the sexy I once knew.

    Wow…

    *pixie*s last blog post..turn the page

  10. Sybil Law Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    I really think you’re beautiful - inside and out!
    And I came thisclose to emailing you a picture of Gilda’s cupcakes I got her today as a treat for going back to school. They were so pretty! And then I was like, does she really want to see a picture of my kid’s cupcakes?!
    I am rambling.
    Sorry.
    You are awesome! It’s nice to know you get that.

    Sybil Laws last blog post..School Daze

  11. Winter Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    I think I don’t want to fly not so much because my ass is so big but more because I worry about my bad knee being cramped for so long. I would just die of frustration if I couldn’t get up at the end of the flight because my knee either gave out or locked up. Both of which are hideously painful to the point of a crying jag.

    I think you’re one of the smartest, most beautiful people I know. And that’s saying something cause I’m like older than everyone else around here yanno! :p
    Winters last blog post..Late

  12. Ginger Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    I finally owned who I am, not who I am striving to be one day.

    *Cheers & Applause! Cheers & Applause!*
    :clap:
    Gingers last blog post..The look on her face: Priceless

  13. angie Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    I have never been to your blog before, but I am pretty sure with this one post, I have completely fallen in love with you. (In a COMPLETELY platonic, perfect stranger, but not stalker, sort of way.)

    You go, girl! I strive for that kind of moment. Hopefully, I will have it one day!

    angies last blog post..Ouch. And also, Ew.

  14. Finn Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Brava! You made me smile today. I’m happy that you’ve turned yet another corner.

    Finns last blog post..I’m Afraid Not

  15. adena Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 6:13 pm

    Good for you!

    To be honest, I’m the other way w/ stress, or way emotional stuff. I just STOP eating.

    I think your way is a hell of a lot healthier, honestly.

    adenas last blog post..Look at me! I’m famous!

  16. Princess of the Universe Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    Thanks for speaking for all of us dearest. :sleep:

    And btw- you are absolutely positively gorgeous!

    xo

    Princess of the Universes last blog post..Painful and Overwhelming and Rewarding and Wonderful All at Once…

  17. Fluffycat Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 6:59 pm

    You are awesome, in the real meaning of the word. I love your honesty and ownership of yourself.

    Fluffycats last blog post..The Youth Vote

  18. Lisa Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    Like you, I’m a big gal and I own my size. Two years ago I was a lot heavier than I am now and I remember when I was on a flight and had to ask for a seatbelt extender. At first I thought about NOT asking for one and risking my safety but that’s where I was back then.

    It’s all about loving yourself, accepting yourself and being comfortable in your own skin.

  19. kim Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    “How can I do something good for my body when I hate it so much?” Amen, Sister!

    Also, uhm, could you answer Dave’s question?

  20. Karen Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    You rock. Seriously. All women have issues with their body no matter if they are a size 2 or a size 32. It is a daily struggle for me to remember that I more than just the number in jeans or on the scale.

    Karens last blog post..Fun Time Waster

  21. Sarah Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    :pph: :wub: I just totally love you. And I never saw your weight in any of the pictures I’ve seen of you. I saw the hot lady that you are!

    Sarahs last blog post..The First Day of School

  22. Iron Fist Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    So if there’s a seat open, do you mind if I go ahead and scoot on in next to you? ;)

  23. tori Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    I’ve lost 150 lbs and I’m not even where you are… you’re amazing and I :pph: you.

    toris last blog post..a minute alone…

  24. foo Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 9:08 pm

    I think that you should bottle that self love stuff, I could use a solid dose. I want to believe that I will get there some day, just not sure what needs to happen to reach that point. Still trying to find the golden ticket.

    foos last blog post..Weekend bits…

  25. Karl Says:
    August 25th, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    You know, I’ve never really given it any thought, the need for a seatbelt extender. I’m glad you addressed this and are accepting your gorgeous self as you are, rather than making yourself suffer with welts and discomfort for hours on a flight.

    I think we all have our crutch(es). That’s one of the hardest things to do, giving them up and I haven’t yet figured out how to do it. Obviously, or I wouldn’t have fallen off the smoking wagon.

    Karls last blog post..I Want You, But Only in My Head

  26. Rachel Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 5:27 am

    I can relate to this post all to well. Thank you for writing it and bravo for taking the steps to love yourself.

    Try this one on for size….did you ever have anybody ask you if there was ‘black’ in your family?? I’ve had that asked of me several times…cause I got it all in the hips and the butt!

    I used to be very offended by it, but now…well it’s who I am. Don’t like it … don’t look…how bout it.

    Keep on loving yourself!!

    :hug: :hug:

  27. Mattie Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 7:41 am

    I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

  28. John Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 7:46 am

    I’d sit beside of you on a plane any day honey.

    Johns last blog post..Are Ya Ready For Some Football!

  29. Bully Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 11:49 am

    Besides the 7Up cocktail thing, which made me laugh and snort– I like alot that you are working on loving and accepting yourself as you are. Really positive, and it makes those of us who do like you swoon, just a little! That kind of honesty is really beautiful.

  30. hello haha narf Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    tums and 7up slayed me. not only are you gorgeous, but you are wicked funny.

    hilly, i love how open and honest you are, talking about things that so many people wouldn’t. as we all know, i am oh so not a small girl, but like popeye, i am what i am. one day i will be a little lighter, but as you so wonderfully said, i do try to own who I am, not who i am striving to be one day. you help me do that. thank you.

    hello haha narfs last blog post..Pearls

  31. Gina Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Right on. Good for you for owning/accepting who you are.

    I am not terribly good at body acceptance myself. If I gain five pounds I freak, if I find an inch more flesh on my torso I figure it is time to watch what I eat more so once again, and so forth. Granted, I have an anorexic mindset - was diagnosed as anorexic ten years ago now…

    I never think of food as something someone turns to like I do alcohol or cigarettes. It puts things into perspective to understand it as you have explained it. I wish that I didn’t use alcohol to deal with my frustration, anger, or sadness as I sometimes do (only if at a bar or party when the emotion hits usually, but still).

    You rock, Girl, for working on things and at the same time accepting yourself for who you are. (Oh and I totally get the reference in your post title!).

    Ginas last blog post..Five Simple Rules to Be My Friend

  32. Avitable Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    All you have to do is pretend to put your seatbelt on. Tuck part of it under your shirt and the attendant won’t even notice. I haven’t worn a seatbelt on a plane in 10 years.

    I think you’re awesome and funny and gorgeous and can’t wait to see you again in a couple of months!

    Avitables last blog post..Red Erect

  33. PAPA Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    Sometimes if I fly, I turn to my neighbor and say “Excuse me, you need to put on your seatbelt.”
    and then I just wait for their reaction…
    Then i say just joking ha ha ha…
    Some people don’t ha ha ha back

    PAPAs last blog post..Great Lactations

  34. Mackey Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 12:44 am

    I can relate totally.
    I hate that I am jusged by the extra pounds that I carry. I am so much more than this.
    I don;t know you but damn it….I think I love you! =)

    Mackeys last blog post..Stop!!! Sassy Time!!!!

  35. Kyra Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 4:54 am

    Oh geeze, I would get the extender… cause OW! And I’ve never thought much about anyone using it, or the person next to me, unless they ARE spilling into my lap. Those instances do annoy me, as much as that jerk who is determined to claim both arm rests and then you spend your flight with his elbow in your side. ugh.

    I just hate flying in general.

    Kyras last blog post..The UN-Fairytale

  36. heartache heartburn Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 5:49 am

    I loved this post Hilly! I know that many of us aren’t happy with our bodies no matter what size they are. I can list things about my body I am not happy with…flabby arms and legs, my face is breaking out, no muscle tone whatsoever, I could stand to lose 20 pounds…etc. I love when I see confident people who don’t worry about what others think of them. I enjoy being around those types of people. I try hard to be one of them most of the time. We all can learn from your example. Love yourself.

    heartache heartburns last blog post..Mid-life

  37. Laurel Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 8:11 am

    Good. For. You. Thanks for posting this at such an opportune time - I’m having internal battles as I prepare to see an old “friend” (and by friend I mean fling) who I haven’t seen in 7 years. And I’ve gained about 10-15 lbs since then. I’ve realized that I’m not going to lose 20 lbs in the next 3 weeks, so I will repeat your list over and over and over…

  38. sue Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 8:59 am

    My idol.

    sues last blog post..Watermelon Days Coming to an End

  39. Jodie Kash Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Came for the orgy, stayed for the writin’. So glad I did.

    There’s 30 lbs less of me than there was in January, and yep it’s coming off and staying off because the “I love me more” came out. That’s my story anyway.

    Yesterday at Macy’s I found a beautiful black satin slip, a bit ‘40s retro with two gorgeous layers of lace wrapping the perimeter at upper thigh for a flash of inner slope and sheer fabric cups that allow nipple peek. I fit it right now, but won’t in a month or two…I’ll be smaller yet. Bought it anyway for just the reason you said…

    “I have to start living with the body that I *do* have.”

    And because I always wear something cute to…you know.

    Jodie Kashs last blog post..Let The River Run

  40. Denise Says:
    August 27th, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    Good for you, doing the “love myself as I am” thing - I’m happy to have company on the “no more waiting until I’m thin” bus! :hug:
    Denises last blog post..something shocking!

  41. AuntMarvel Says:
    August 28th, 2008 at 8:03 am

    Hilly, you just need steal* a seatbelt extender. Then you’ll never have to ask for one again!

    *Or, uh, “borrow with plans to return it someday.”

    AuntMarvels last blog post..Text Messages Saved On My Phone

  42. Lisa (formerly Lisalou68 on the WW boards) Says:
    August 29th, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    :clap: Well said, Hilly.

  43. Mrs. F Says:
    August 29th, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    You make me smile. :booze:
    Mrs. Fs last blog post..My Friends Need Big Virtual Bear Hugs

  44. Snackie’s World » Blog Archive » Half Naked Hilly? Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    [...] Part of learning to love my body for what it is, not what I want it to be means posting pictures that are accurate and not always [...]

  45. Amber Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 8:00 pm

    I got teary-eyed reading this entry. I can totally relate and I’m so thankful that you shared this with all of us.

    I haven’t been back to Connecticut to see my biological father since I was 15 years old. I haven’t seen him since I was 18 - he came out for my high school graduation six years ago. I have a 7 year old half brother whom I’ve never met.

    All because… I haven’t wanted to get on a plane and see all of them with being a fluffy girl and all. I kept “waiting till I was thin” — although nobody I know IRL, with the exception of my best friend, knows that’s the *real* reason.

    But… this year? I’m actually going to do it. Leaving Colorado November 20th — I’m scared to death and nervous, apprehensive… I’m used to being judged by size and yeah, they’re “family” — but my extended family are the ones who ridiculed me so badly I developed an eating disorder from the time I was 13 years old until I was 19…

    But I’m doing it. I guess we’re both taking steps to accepting the bod(ies) we have now.

    I’m so proud of you. The weight-loss and all that doesn’t matter… although it’s a nice bonus. It’s about the positive, “I Love Myself No Matter What” attitude you’ve got going on.

    Truly inspiring, Hilly. Thank you!

    Ambers last blog post..Princepessa On: Marriage

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