September 19th, 2008

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right…

It’s taken me a long time to figure out that not everyone needs to know everything about me.  I used to be the world’s biggest open book to anyone who was willing to read it.  Time was that a person wouldn’t even have to ask me a question about myself to get all of my nitty gritty delivered at warp speed.  Right, I know…some of you are raising your eyebrows right now because you feel that I share a lot more than you ever would, but let’s look at that, shall we?  I over share my feelings and emotions, waxing prosaic and weaving those thoughts into a pretty plaid pattern made of true soul-searching and unnecessary navel-gazing.  However, when it comes to the details of what I’m doing over here in my every day life, y’all get table scraps!

Did I really just say “y’all”?

Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I used to be a total manipulative person who told lies to cover lies to cover lies.  Holy crap, it was hard work too.  I mean, thank GOD I stopped all of that before I got a bit older because I can’t even remember what the hell you and I talked about yesterday, let alone keep multiple levels of stories straight.  To this day, I still try to figure out what made me act that way and I’ve pretty much got it.  I hated my life so much that creating this other world that I controlled simply by dropping a lie or manipulation here or there seemed much better than getting my shit together and facing reality.  I hid every aspect of who I was and more importantly, lied about what I did.  Hell, I have no idea why because uh…it’s not like I was doing anything that exciting.  Oh wait, the drugs…yeah, that was probably it.  Ahem.  From what I hear, sometimes cokeheads lie!  Who knew?

So then, once I stopped all of that drug abuse and had to start facing the reality that was my life, one of the biggest things I knew is that I had to get honest with not only myself but everyone else.  You see, I didn’t get “honesty in moderation” at all.  I thought that maybe if I held details back, that would make me revert into a state of having my pants perpetually on fire and I sure did not want that!  If you’ve ever been to a 12 Step Program, you know the sense of renewal that comes from changing your life, one day at a time or not.  Let’s just say that I went overboard, okay?  Needless to say, I don’t really do “Anything Anonymous” anymore.  It’s just not for me…

Geez, sidetracked much?

A few years ago, once I started listening more than talking and only sharing when I felt the need to, I realized that the prior versions of me had all been a part of my “human pendulum”.  Have I told you all about that theory?  Well, buckle up, cause here we go!  I feel that in life we tend to swing way left then way right in order to correct ourselves.  It’s like someone takes the arm of the pendulum and yanks it all the way to the left (for me, that’s Hilly the Shithead McLiarpants).  However, once they let that arm go, it instinctively swings all the way to the right (for me that’s Hilly the Sharesalot McMouthybroad).  It takes awhile but eventually the pendulum reaches center and you’ve got the perfect you.  This tends to work in any situation, especially for people like me who tend to over correct themselves.  I’ve finally found center though.  Most people know a lot about me but I have some secrets that are buried so deep that no one will ever know them…no one.

Anyway, enough of my ooky spooky…

I’ve got something going on in my life right now that is something I haven’t talked about much (for fear of total failure like usual) and um, that I also need to find center on quickly.  As most of you know, I got really fat last year probably because of my emotional state.  I mean, I went off the deep end and ate stuff that I hadn’t eaten in years like fast food, tubs of licorice and whatever else I could get my paws on just to numb the pain.  Then I visited with FooDiddy and was excited just by her success on the South Beach Diet so I joined up.  I haven’t talked about it much here, only to say that I was on it in the beginning.  I haven’t wanted to report in just in case I failed yet another program.  I am, however, happy to report that as of today (three weeks in), I have lost a total of 18 pounds.  Eighteen freaking pounds are just GONE! This makes me happy.  The pendulum problem stems from the fact that I’ve gone diet nazi, even though I don’t feel like I am depriving myself.  As of yesterday, I was supposed to slowly introduce carbs back into my diet and I just haven’t done that yet.  I’m like that big fat cartoon bear holding on to the tip of a very small tree as it bends and almost breaks.  I need to move forward with the next phase of my diet plan but I’m afraid to fail.  I’m afraid that I won’t lose weight as quickly.  I’m afraid that whatever has been working won’t.  Mostly though, I am afraid of what I will do once allowed to put carbs into my mouth since they are my downfall.

I need to find center and I think admitting it here is the best way to start doing that.

Thanks For Listening Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (28)

28 Responses to “Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right…”

  1. TUWABVB Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    Think of it this way…..it you don’t try to get back to the middle, you may swing all the way to the other side again. Introducing the carbs back in makes it not a diet, but a livable way of eating….if you don’t follow it, then you might eventually feel deprived and swing back to the other side. That being said, if you don’t miss the carbs, then go back at your own pace….if you don’t feel deprived then you probably aren’t in danger of swinging too far the other way (wow, I’ve really adopted this pendulum theory in case you haven’t noticed).

    You guys have totally inspired me to try SBD again. I’ve felt so icky and bleh and unenergentic lately. I’m planning on shopping and restocking this weekend as long as I can find all the information on-line (because I’ll be damned if I’m going to buy that book for a third time - I think I’ve single-handedly supplied Half Price Books with all of their current copies.

    I’m really, really proud of you by the way!

    TUWABVBs last blog post..I Don’t Care What Your Politics Are…

  2. Winter Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 7:45 pm

    I think it’s soooo awesome that this is working for you both physically and emotionally. If you weren’t sick, I’d come over there and give you a BIG hug! Just consider yourself hugged. Either that or I owe you one when the germs are gone. Heh.

    I wish crap like those diets worked on me, but it’s not food as much as it’s my broken body that’s my issue. Maybe I should stop buying ice cream though. Lord knows, I get one bowl and when I go back a week later for some it’s gone and I’m broke. Hmmm. There’s a bad pattern there I’m afraid. (As in Motley eating all the ice cream in a week.) At any rate, we’re SOOOOO happy for you!! Woo hooo! :rock

    Winters last blog post..Is It Friday Yet?

  3. SJ Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 8:01 pm

    :clap: Yay you!!! I know exactly how you feel. Well, except for the fear of carbs thing, since I haven’t been *completely* off them. I am, however, terrified of what may happen when I finally can eat bread and potatoes again. So I may just … not. Ever.

    SJs last blog post..My *My…* meme

  4. Poppy Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    YAY to 18 lbs! This must mean you are happy!!!!

    Poppys last blog post..Well, that mostly sorta went slightly as planned

  5. Laura Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 8:11 pm

    Aw, MAN. Now that song is stuck in my head. :doh:
    Lauras last blog post..Guest blogger winners!

  6. Nat Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    As i recall they aren’t terribly exciting carbs either in Phase 2… just ease in. You can’t cut carbs forever. :)

    Oh and 18 pounds is freaking amazing!

    Nats last blog post..The next few hours

  7. Cathy Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 5:22 am

    Hey good for you!! Way to go! I have been fighting my weight my entire life and always seem to be perpetually 15 to 20 pounds overweight and that’s even with going to the Curves for Women gym 3 times a week! But like you, my down fall is CARBS!

    Unfortunetly, we need the carbs, but we also need to see RESULTS!! and we’ll take those results yesterday thank you very much :)

    Just look at it like a way of life, add them gradually back into your eating and know that even if it slows you down a little in weight loss, the pounds will stay off. Now would be a good time to join something like Curves cos it really helps build your strength, adds lean muscle and that muscle will help burn off the added calories from the carbs.

    Good luck with it , you’re doing GREAT!! :clap:
    Cathys last blog post..Bits and bobs from the past week

  8. jessica Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 6:09 am

    I like the pendulum theory — it sounds like “Balance.” Like, you won’t be able to swing all the way right again, because you won’t have the momentum of returning from the far left.

    I went through some similar stuff when I first started losing weight… I had been a lock box of emotions for so long, and then once I started talking, there was no shutting me up! Even when I started dating last year, post-Chris, I found that I was blabbing WAY too much about my “transformation” to people…

    This time, I”m being really quiet about it. LIke I’ve got a secret that only certain people get ot know.

    As for YOU — CONGRATS on 18! I think that’s amazing. I am thinking about joining you SBD crazies because some things just aren’t workin’ for me lately…

  9. Miss Britt Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 6:13 am

    I suck at moderation. Big time.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Wordpress hates me right now

  10. Kyra Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 6:17 am

    South beach wouldn’t be as popular if it didn’t balance out in the end and STILL work. I actually HATE the first phase on the South Beach Diet, because it’s gimmicky and annoys me. But by the end it’s a LIVABLE permanent way to eat (and VERY close to the way I do.)

    Something else you need to remember, and why it’s SO important that you bring the carbs back - your brain ONLY runs off of carbs. You need carbs in your system. There are things only carbs can do, just as there are things only protein can do, and things only fat can do. You need all of them. (consider also that some cults would deny all carbs in order to make people supceptable to brainwashing. I’m NOT kidding.)

    You need all of it to be the woman you envision in your head, and holding back because you fear progress is just like lying to yourself. Dontcha think? Be proud of the step you took, and take the next one! :)
    Kyras last blog post..On The List

  11. Dave2 Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 6:31 am

    Congratulations, babe.

  12. Sybil Law Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 7:32 am

    18 pounds is awesome!!!
    You’ll be fine - I know you will.
    :clap:
    Sybil Laws last blog post..Blow Jobs for Duke Employees

  13. Tracy Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 7:58 am

    Congratulations! 18 pounds makes a huge difference in the way you feel, I’m sure. I started the SBD this week after being inspired by you, and I already feel better. Keep up the good work, and don’t be afraid to have a piece of whole-wheat toast & an apple…really, that’s all they’re asking you to add in, and there’s no way that that is going to set you off your path.

    :rock

    Tracys last blog post..What…Don’t They Make Mint Jello?

  14. Karen Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 9:01 am

    18 pounds is so awesome! I would probably be scared to touch the carbs again too. You seem so motivated. I have confidence in you!

    Karens last blog post..Old Love

  15. Stephanie Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 9:03 am

    Fantastic loss, Hilly. Slow and steady wins the race, sweetie. My friend does a modified SB, and she is terrified of carbs…but has slowly re-introduced them. It slowed the loss JUST a little bit, but you can’t lose 6 lbs a week for a long time, anyway. She has steadily lost 2-3 lbs a week since then. Good luck kiddo! :rock

  16. Foo Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 9:38 am

    Woohoo Carrots! I shared the same fears of transitioning to phase 2 and with fruit added back (in moderation - 1-2 servings a day) brown rice, whole wheat tortillas, flatbread - it’s still coming off.

    Foos last blog post..I’m full.

  17. Lisa Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 10:06 am

    Congratulation on the weight loss and the ability to look for the balance in your life. You really are amazing.

  18. Patty Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Way to go on the wt loss! That’s great. I need to get my arse in order and do something about my weight too and quit eating the crap. I think I have the South Beach book if I didn’t give it away and need to look at it and see if it’s something I could follow.

    Pattys last blog post..went to the fair….and just chillin

  19. Fluffycat Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm

    As they say, the thing about admitting the problem being the first step. But hard to do, especially in the blogosphere. Good for you to be putting it all out here, inspiring those who are less vocal about it.

    Fluffycats last blog post..Working For The Weekend

  20. jodi Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    holy crapola! 18 pounds in 3 weeks is crazy-awesome! congrats! i’m so happy that SB is working for you (and for foo too)… :D
    jodis last blog post..i love you, cable guy

  21. Nilsa Says:
    September 20th, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Even if you stopped the diet tomorrow, you would’ve succeeded. Sounds like you’ve got something good going on. So, you go girl! And maybe, after my wedding, I’ll follow in your shoes!

    Nilsas last blog post..Locks

  22. Selma Says:
    September 21st, 2008 at 12:41 am

    That is fantastic. You will still lose weight when you reintroduce carbs. I just know it.Way to go!

    Selmas last blog post..By Yon Bonnie Banks….

  23. hello haha narf Says:
    September 21st, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    i’m so proud of you.
    :pph:
    hello haha narfs last blog post..The Post Where I Turn Red at the Mere Memory

  24. Willie G Says:
    September 23rd, 2008 at 6:42 am

    I’m a little late with this comment, so I’ll keep it brief and to the point. Don’t go dissin’ the “y’all”. Please! It’s one of the only positive long-standing southern traits left that we southerners can truly call our own. All y’all non-southerners keep comandeering everything else and bastardizing it until it is only a faint memory of it’s once glorious self. So please!! Speak the “y’all” with pride. Don’t feel uneducated, feel southern-sophisticated!! OK, I have now completed my little ignorant rant and mini-blogpost. Keep striving for balance, and great luck with the diet. Love ya.
    :duh:

  25. Willie G Says:
    September 23rd, 2008 at 6:43 am

    I’m a little late with this comment, so I’ll keep it brief and to the point. Don’t go dissin’ the “y’all”. Please! It’s one of the only positive long-standing southern traits left that we southerners can truly call our own. All y’all non-southerners keep comandeering everything else and bastardizing it until it is only a faint memory of it’s once glorious self. So please!! Speak the “y’all” with pride. Don’t feel uneducated, feel southern-sophisticated!! OK, I have now completed my little ignorant rant and mini-blogpost. Keep striving for balance, and great luck with the diet. Love ya.
    :duh:
    Willie Gs last blog post..But they’re so nice

  26. John Says:
    September 23rd, 2008 at 8:14 am

    well here’s 18 kisses for you babe - count ‘em!

    X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

    that’s an incredible achievement - GOOD FOR YOU HILLY! GOOD FOR YOU!

    : ))

    Johns last blog post..Stronger Robot Chicks

  27. Jules Says:
    September 23rd, 2008 at 8:15 am

    Wow! That is so awesome. Keep it up, you can do it!

  28. Atomic Bombshell Says:
    September 23rd, 2008 at 9:14 am

    Very cool. It’s probably not just the diet, but also sorting through all kinds of issues and reflecting on the past, and making plans for the future.

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