September 15th, 2008
I made a decision early in my twenties that I never wanted to have children. It was an easy decision for me at the time, really. I was lazy, irresponsible, selfish and literally cringed every time I would hear a child whine or cry about something. This sentiment actually stuck with me for a very long time…so much so that I would only date men that did not have kids already and/or were never planning to do so. It was a life decision that I was extremely happy with and I never once questioned it at all. The older I got, however, children in general no longer annoyed the bejeezus out of me as they once had. When one cried in the store, I could sometimes muster an “aww, poor thing” and believe you me, that’s not my style…not even today. I started to soften as I grew out of my selfish twenties and began to really love kids, as long as they were someone else’s, that is.
As time marched on, I got married and we decided that we’d “maybe kinda sorta-ish be interested in discussing it in a few years”. Neither of us were in a hurry but at least by that time, my “no way in hell” stance had turned into more of an “if it happens, it happens” sort of thing. It’s not as if I was longing to have one as if it were my calling in life or anything like that. I just didn’t scoff at the idea anymore.
One day at work, a bunch of ladies who sat in what I affectionately refer to as “the mommy cube klatsch” were all going on and on (and on) about kid stuff, baby stuff and whatever else it was that was starting to make my ears bleed. I looked over at my friend, who was also childless, and rolled my eyes repeatedly as did she. I have no idea how in the hell this large company managed to sit all of the “mommy yappers” in one section, but why oh why did it have to be the one right next to mine? After hearing them belabor the same issue over and over again, my wheels started turning and yay…I had found a perfect solution to their problem! I mean, I didn’t need to actually have a kid…common sense would prevail! Not so much. As I was talking to the four of them, I could see their faces glaze over and could hear the condescending “why does this barren bitch even talk to us about kids” tone in their voices when they said, with such sugary poison, “Oh Hil, you are a genius! What a great idea!”. Riiight. I later learned from my cube neighbor that they basically had said, “She’s a nice girl but she should know better than to talk about things she just doesn’t understand. I mean hi…she doesn’t even *have* kids! What does she know?”
It’s the first time I truly felt discounted as a woman. However, it was not the last.
Since then I’ve tried time and time again to relate to my friends that have kids. I tried not giving advice but just listening and somehow that never seemed to be the right thing to do. So I switched it up and tried suggesting really simple and wonderful things but they were also met with trepidation. Finally, I resigned myself to the fact that there are some things I was just never going to understand and I tried to be okay with it. As you know, there are not many areas in my life where I truly feel “less than”. I tend to swirl in and out of different groups (or cliques, as the angry people say) and I’ve never felt that I had to try really hard to fit in…not at all. But this not having kids thing? Man, it’s a mind fuck of the purest kind.
I was talking to someone recently about their kid and I dunno…I was just asking questions and giving suggestions, mostly to be helpful and because I was truly curious. I’m not sure that it was well received because really, what the fuck do I know? It actually stung just a little bit…sitting there, wanting to be kind and helpful yet realizing that everything coming out of my mouth probably sounded ridiculous or condescending. I decided to reel it in and not talk about it anymore for the exact same reason that I don’t read Mommy Blogs. Oddly, people think that Mommybloggers annoy me and that I’m making fun of them by saying “I would never read a pure Mommy Blog!”. That’s not it at all. The truth is that I don’t ever know what to say or how to comment.
I just don’t belong.
Normally, this would not sting and I would not give two shits about people not wanting to hear my opinions about their kids or whatever. However, I think I finally figured out why it makes me tear up when people dismiss me regarding that subject.
I *want* to belong.
And no, not just for the sake of belonging but because…I want to have a kid. There, I said it. All of you who guessed that it may one day be true can do a little snoopy dance. I like to think that I’m actually good enough to be a Mom…yanno, that I have enough love to give and won’t totally ruin someones little life by not knowing what I am doing. I’d like to understand what it means to love something so much that I just want to protect it from life’s bad parts. I want to give enough of a crap that I actually sit in a “cube klatsch” and discuss ways to make my kid eat its vegetables. I want to understand what it’s like so much, not because I want to be like you…but because I want one of my own.
Don’t get me wrong….I don’t sit up all night long in tears over the fact that I don’t have a child. I still very much have the attitude that it will happen when it does, especially given the fact that uh, well…I’d need to be having sex, thanks. But that little pebble in my heart that once was hard has softened. So please forgive me if I try to help you even when I don’t have the right. Just know that it comes from an altruistic place carved out of both love and longing. I just want to understand. I just want to know. That’s all.
Black Sheep Kisses,
Me
74 Responses to “Confessions Of A Blogger Who Is Not A Mommy…”
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Hilly Says...
September 15th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I’m not sure why anyone would dismiss advice from someone who doesn’t have kids… unless this parent was very insecure about actually having kids. First of all, we all have BEEN kids, so we understand kids. We all have relatives and friends and mothers, so it isn’t like a person who is not a parent is from another planet. And sometimes, the best advice can come from an outsider. Of course, there will always be stuff that “you don’t understand” because you aren’t a parent yourself, but it is all part of the human experience, so who’s to say that your insights aren’t as valid as another mother’s. Can’t I give advice to a woman even though I am not a female?
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September 15th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Neil - What’s funny is that I think, with the group of blog friends I have, my opinions would be received way better than with those snotty OC Mommies. The problem is that I’ve just shut my mouth and stopped giving it because I do now feel “less than”. A lot of it is on me.
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September 15th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I completely understand that look being a fellow childless woman. I think that the only reason why others occasionally listen to me now is because of my years of teaching. Now it’s, “Well you don’t have kids of your own but you have spent a number of years with other people’s kids.”
Dagnys last blog post..Making lemonade
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September 15th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
You know, Hills, I know where you’re coming from.
Even though I have always been on the fence about having kids and still am. And, really, at my age, I should know definitively, I can tell you this, in my opinion, you do belong.
You have a right to share your opinions. You’re a smart, sassy, brave cookie. You care a lot. You come from a great place, I’m sure.
I am sorry that you have felt left out, it’s a shitty feeling.
Beautiful post.
katie schwartzs last blog post..What PoliQ You Ask?
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September 15th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
NEVER shut your mouth because you feel “less than.” I’m like you. Decided at about the age of 27, that “kids ‘aint for me.” Don’t get me wrong, love ‘em and love hanging out with them, but need to give them back at some point. I, too, get the “how the fuck would she know” look from the mommies when talking about their kids. Here’s how, very simple: I’VE GOT A HUGE FAMILY! I’ve been and am still around babies, kids, tweens and teens, so I do know! All I try to offer up is what my sister did that worked with my nephew. Or what my cousin did that worked with my niece. And simply, with how my dad handled me as a teen. And that IS RELEVANT. Again, the only difference is, that “kid” isn’t biologically mine.
Point, just don’t feel like you’re “not qualified” to chime in. Just recognize the areas you’re not qualified to discuss. And I’m sure you got that in the bag. (I could never add any value to best diaper rash ointment, or relate to only getting 2 hours of sleep because the baby decided to have a midnight snack).
Sorry for the long-winded response, but this hits pretty close to home for me too;)
Tech-Babes last blog post..Love thy Neighbor
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September 15th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong choice too… but I think being an aunt is awesome… one day I’ll make an awesome step-mom… I’ve come to the conclusion that I love kids, and I want kids in my life, but I don’t need to have my own.
Toris last blog post..What am I??? 20!?!?!?
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September 15th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
When we had my daughter’s baby dedication at church (8 years ago), I loved what the pastor did: he turned and asked the congregation: “Do you, the congregation, promise to be Fathers, Mothers, Brothers, Sisters, and Friends to this new life and to the parent(s) who are charged to raise it?” and the congregation answered, “In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we do.”
All of that to say, is that “It takes a village.”
As a single mother, if a person doesn’t come at me in a condescending, superior tone, I welcome all the help and advice I can get!
Just don’t be dogging me if my child eats ice cream for breakfast one morning out of hundreds…lolol…
Seriously, I wish women would go easier on each other…we need to stick together and not be such bitches to each other. I am amazed at how competitive we are when it comes to careers, men, and yes, motherhood. It’s sad to me.
Gingers last blog post..Weekend: FAIL!
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September 15th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
You have every right to offer opinion. Believe me, there are a lot of parents who don’t know how to parent. Just having the kids doesn’t make you an expert. Having seen what works with other people (including one’s own parents) gives a person valuable insight.
Jason Xs last blog post..I Lasted a Week
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September 15th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
A Hilly baby in the future? I’d be your neighbour just for the chance to babysit!
I value your opinion just as I would anyone else. You are NOT ‘less than’ by any means. I’d TOTALLY prefer to hear the opinion of someone willing to give it than a mom (or dad) that says, “Oh we’ve all been there.” Because really? How does anyone benefit from THAT!
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September 15th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
This post really hits me. Wow. I know that I don’t want a child, but I am totally obsessed with other people’s babies and kids. I always feel excluded. And not just by mommy blogs (which I read in secrecy) but by my friends and family who now have the kids.
It was like one day I was in the clique - and then my friend spent the night in the hospital and came home with baby - and then I was out. Poof! It sucks.
Karens last blog post..Sleepless In NJ
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September 15th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
This just popped up into my reader, and I couldn’t resist.
You are totally right. It is a different galaxy we parents live in. Why? Because we don’t really have time for anything but our kids. Because we’re boring. Because we have given up. Maybe those women in the cube envy you a bit? I bet I would.
If it makes you feel any better, about half of my readers are childless. More than half of those are single. More than half of THOSE are dudes who still live in their momma’s basement.
You can come give me advice ANYTIME. Because, really, I have no clue what I’m doing.
(I also wanted to throw it out there that my favorite teachers my kids have ever had are the kid-less ones. I really think there’s something to be said for an untainted view of children.)
Mr Ladys last blog post..The Date, Redux
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September 15th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Dude. I’m not even sure I want kids. Oh wait…
Do you think Britt looks at Amy that way? I doubt it - Adam has posted about babysitting over there. I think anyone who dismisses you obviously hasn’t learned that we all have something to learn from each other - kidless or not. Some of my kidless friends have given me great advice. Stuff that they’ve learned from being Aunts, Uncles, babysitters, whatever. Even my 14 year old babysitter taught me tricks in dealing with my sons. Whoever is snubbing you is the one who’s missing out.
You’d make a great mom - I hope you get to walk that road - your kid(s) would be really lucky.
xo
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..If Bad Things Happen in Threes, I Don’t Want To Know What’s Coming
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September 15th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
p.s. I’m not a mommyblogger. I don’t think. Am I?
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..If Bad Things Happen in Threes, I Don’t Want To Know What’s Coming
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September 15th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I was that girl who didn’t want kids in her twenties. Then it changed. And I was ready. So I got pregnant. Now, G-tot is the MOST amazing thing in my life. And I’m a DAMN good Mother. Not because I had training, but because I was ready and it just came naturally.
I think it would be the same way for you.
*pixie*s last blog post..weekly winners: september 7–13
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September 15th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I will say this, having a child makes you so emotionally vulnerable. I’ve cried many, many times just because I love my kid SO much. I had no idea I was even capable of handling that much love.
It overwhelms.
*pixie*s last blog post..weekly winners: september 7–13
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September 15th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
i think at least you are more normal than me. when i was younger i wanted kids in the worst way, then kind of grew out of that desire. perhaps it was the doctor telling me that physically i should not have a pregnancy, perhaps it was seeing one too many marriages crumble under the weight of parenthood, perhaps i have no clue. all i know is right now, at 37, i really do not want to have children.
that being said, i would love to meet a man who is divorced and already has kids. love me some little ones.
for the record, hill, i know you would be a wonderful mom. you have a kind and generous heart. those kids would be all kinds of lucky!
hello haha narfs last blog post..Wicked Weekend
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September 15th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I don’t think I’m a mommy blogger but I may be. Or I try to be a working-mommy blogger with a socialist bent.
Anyway.. everyone is welcome to my party. I do think it is different once the kids are your own and it’s a 24/7 thing BUT never ever discount’s anyone advice. You miss out on some good stuff that way.
My realization was a bit more dramatic. I woke on day looked at the man and said “I think I want chidlren.” He said ok. Really. It was THAT simple.
Nats last blog post..57 Channels and nothing on…
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September 15th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
I don’t want kids…never have. I adore them just like giving them back.
My BF doesn’t like kids, when everyone at work was pregnant or new parents and talking about kid poop, she would start talking about a poop she made the day before..when they would get grossed, she asked what the difference is if it comes from a baby or a 40 y.o they stopped talking about poop
libragirls last blog post..HOLY CRAP (or the post where I am yelling in excitment, and that sounded way dirtier then it should)
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September 15th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I think you’d be a great mom. I don’t think that every woman always wants to have kids throughout her life, and some women decide it later on. I think whatever you end up doing is fine. I have a lot of friends with babies, and I like being the “normal” friend with them who has her own life and can talk about stuff other than baby crapola.
Fluffycats last blog post..Circle of Friends
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September 15th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I’m with you. It took therapy, but one day I got over myself and realized that it would be ok to have a kid. Part of my problem was that I helped raise the younger siblings, so when it comes to mommy conversation, I can talk all day about projectile vomiting and naptime troubles. (diaper rash + fresh air and sunlight= nice butt!)
But sometimes I feel like I should shut my mouth because I didn’t pop those critters out myself.
The day a coworker told me that I wasn’t ready to have kids because I didn’t crave them like a crackhead maniac? I was offended. Because I tend to think that the attitude you and I have, that it will happen if and when it will, is SO much more healthy then the “right now at any cost, where’s the damn sperm bank” comments I hear from my baby lusting cohorts. I tend to think it would be better to be picky about who will be the father of my children, even if that means never having any because in that case? I’m still gonna be a fabulous Aunt.
ginamonsters last blog post..Trying to make sense of it all
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September 15th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
So you want my sperm? Is that it?
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September 15th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
I sorta glanced through the comments and I didn’t think I saw anyone say this so I’m going to give you a piece of advice:
“that I have enough love to give and won’t totally ruin someones little life by not knowing what I am doing.”
Get that out of your fucking head.
No matter what you do, even though it’s with the best of intentions and always with their well-being in mind, you fuck them up. There ain’t no way to avoid it and they will bitch and complain to you and about you until the day you die. Then they will say, “My mom was the greatest mom ever.” For one child it might be that you didn’t have the money to put her through modeling school and for another it might be because you told her to stop being bitchy. You never can tell. (The one who didn’t go to modeling school? It fucked up her whole life. The one who was being bitchy? It only messed her up for about 6 months. But, like I said, you never can tell. And the boy? He would rather be with a predator than with me because I yelled at him after I searched for him everywhere for over an hour and I was about to call the police and I burst into tears when I saw him because I was terrified something really yucky had happened to him.) That’s another thing, sometimes the scare the fricking life out of you, whether it’s being missing for an hour when they are teenagers or taking just a half a second too long between breaths when they are babies.
All that doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t be a great mom, Hilly. You would. Your kids just wouldn’t know it until you die. And I don’t want you to, some day, when your child tells you that you are the worse mother in the whole world, believe a single word that they say. It isn’t true and not even they believe it.
Can I just write a post on your blog or what? Sorry.
Shellis last blog post..Make New Friends but Keep the Old
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I was once told by my sister, “oh, I never expected you to want to have kids” when I told her that the ex and I were trying to have one.
Apparently if we don’t have kids at age younger-than-30 then everyone has given up hope on us.
If the stars line up and everyone involved agrees at the very same time, I’d like to have a kid too. If that doesn’t happen then I have plenty of furry kids and human kids by proxy to keep me happy… I hope. *shrug* Oh, how awkward.
Hi, Hilly, have a kid!
Poppys last blog post..Mondays are for meme-ing
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I have to disagree a bit with Shelli. If you raise them right they’ll know how great you are WAY before you die.
It might not be until they’re in their late twenties or thirties, but they’ll know.
*pixie*s last blog post..weekly winners: september 7–13
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Eh, you’re probably right, Pixie. I was just being a bit cynical. I think my two youngest really know I am a good mom. The oldest hates me and probably will never see what the other two think is so great about me. But I did okay with 2 of them, so I can’t be all bad, right?
Shellis last blog post..Make New Friends but Keep the Old
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Dags: Haha! I laugh because I know exactly what you mean. Except I’m not a teacher but helped raised my friends kids for awhile.
Katie: Oh my little princess cuppycake, you are the best. Thank you understanding and all of that good stuff.
Tech Babe” I totally thank you for your reply and don’t even care how long it was at all. I find myself doing that too, come to think of it…almost like getting out my resume of kids that I’ve been around, proving that I may know a little smidge of something.
Tori: I’m not sure it was supposed to be funny but the part about you making an awesome step-mom made me laugh…mostly because I can totally see you saying that.
Ginger: Your last sentence was awesome. We women do need to be kinder to one another, indeed.
Jason X: Yes, totally true. I’ve seen some people who should have never been allowed to have kids and it always irks me a bit cause those are the ones going, “don’t tell me how to raise minessss!”.
Sam: Good point! I’ve never thought about how old the “oh I’ve been there” can get. I’ve heard that a million times in my weight loss endeavors (not that losing a buttah fat baby is the same as having a real one, but yanno) and it frustrates me too.
Karen: Wow, you totally hit one of my nails on the head. Most of my friends hit this stage where they went off and had kids then left me in the dust. It’s not as if *I* wasn’t willing to totally make adjustments and change with them, making our friendship work around their new lives. It’s more that feeling of not belonging that I talked about…and not making sure it wasn’t there.
Mr. Lady: First of all, wow..I did not even know that you read my blog through the feed reader so yay! I love the honesty of your response…that we are in separate galaxies and no, I never thought about them being jealous of me, my time or whatever. Thanks for adding a new perspective and telling me, as a parent, that it’s okay to give advice.
Sugarpanties: I look at you as a mommy who blogs…huge difference! I think Britt is a modernized chick who would NEVER look at anyone that way. I know you wouldn’t either!
Pixie: I’ve seen my sister grow more emotional now that she’s had Jacob. I don’t mean that in a bad way or anything…just, oh you know. I have to imagine that it softens everything about you.
Narfy: It seems as though a lot of the single women here, who are older…okay not older but in our age bracket…seem to want to have them step-babies. Maybe I am going about this all wrong.
Nat: Just like I said to Sugarpanties…you are a mommy. You blog. I think there is a huge difference between a strict Mommyblogger and what you are. Anyway, geez…that is amazing that you woke up one day and poof…let’s have a baby!
Libragirl: Hahahaha, that is a funny story. I guess parents who gather must not realize that although it is cute for them, not everyone wants to hear poop stories.
Fluffycat: One of the many things for which blogging has made me thankful is that I’ve met so many women who actually DO have more to talk about than just baby stuff. I hope to be that way too…although, odds are against me.
Ginamonster: Okay, good…I am not alone in worrying about those people who, as you said, crave a baby like they crave the crack pipe. I always thought there was a total imbalance there when people would just die because they did not have a baby already.
Avitable: Exactly. I could have just made my post one sentence long…”I want Adam’s sperm.”
Shelli: A bit of my history…my Mom messed me up pretty bad. To say that she was a bad mother would be an understatement. To say that I hate her would be an overstatement however, she is not someone I am willing to have in my life at all…ever. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s human and made mistakes. Honestly, I think that maybe there is a demon inside of her but that is neither here nor there. Just like any parent, my Dad fucked up too…but he kept trying and was always there for me. I know that I too will make mistakes but that I will never stop trying to be a great parent and love my child unconditionally.
Pixie: I agree with that. It took me until my early 30’s to really really appreciate how awesome my Dad is.
Shelli: Now you have me singing that song…”and I cynically cynically said, I was wrong, I was wrong…”
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Poppy: Ack! I was so entwined in the Shelli/Pixie chapter that I forgot to come back to yours…please forgive me!
Anyway yeah, I think we should be able to have kids on our own time frames, dammit.
Hi Poppy, have a kid!
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September 16th, 2008 at 12:26 am
Why do people feel like it’s their business to tell other women when or whether they should have a child?! This drives me crazy!
Having a child is a big deal and bloody hard work and I can ABSOLUTELY understand why some people wouldn’t want to do it, or would want to wait a while. It’s the ultimate personal choice.
For the record, I would always take advice from someone who cared, kids or no kids. Umm…how do you feel about babysitting?
Penelopes last blog post..Ups and Downs.
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September 16th, 2008 at 3:08 am
When I was 14, I was told I would never, ever be able to conceive. That combined with the fact that I am one of a family of 9 made me want to disparately have a kid.
I lost my vajayjayinity at 16. I never used any type of birth control. But NOT because the doc said I couldn’t conceive but because I was out to prove him wrong.
When I was 19, I finally became pregnant. That was 3 years being a fuck bunny on a regular basis.
While I was ecstatic that I was pregnant, my biggest fear was that I would be a woefully inadequate mom.
Giving advice when you don’t have children? Bring it on. There’s nothing I value more than someone who can step outside of the box I’m in and be able to look and evaluate objectively and then convey their opinion in a straightforward way.
And yeah … like the others, I think you would be a great mom. Because you have the one thing (well, you have more than one thing but this is the most important one thing) it takes to do anything in life and do it well … communication. You are open to everything and anything that comes your way. And you are extremely capable of sharing that knowledge in a non-egotistical manner.
Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever read one word that you’ve written that would indicate that you just couldn’t talk/feel/deal with the hard stuff objectively. And that is a major requirement of being a parent. Especially when your kid just doesn’t “get it,” you do and you’re willing to share that with him/her.
Sorry, I’m rambling. But I had to tell you what I thought.
Matties last blog post..NOT Just Another Monday
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September 16th, 2008 at 6:05 am
Holy fuck this rips my heart out in a million ways for you.
You are NOT less than anything. At all. When I think about you, I never think “oh yeah, she’s my friend without kids”. Ever.
That being said…
I do that. I do that to Adam sometimes when he’s giving me “kid” advice.
I do it to friends of mine who raise their kids differently than me.
I do it to my mom who just “doesn’t understand”.
I do it when I’m feeling insecure and unsure of what the fuck I’m doing as a mother.
That is NOT a reflection on them - it’s a reflection on ME and my own fears in that moment about not being able to hack it as a parent. Having someone to feel superior to is nothing more than a crutch to get through that fear.
I don’t think any of those women/parents would admit to you (or themselves) that that’s what it is - but it absolutely is.
Love you.
Miss Britts last blog post..How You Can Tell You Are Making Progress In Life
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September 16th, 2008 at 6:11 am
I haven’t read all the comments yet because I want to write what I think without changing it at all. I think you are an awesome person, and I have no idea why people would dismiss things you would say about anything. You WERE a child once, and that is how I get most of my knowledge on what to do with my kids…I think about what I felt like, why I did things and then go from there trying to relate to my kids and figure out how to change behaviours that I am not crazy about. I can’t see why you wouldn’t be able to do that! I love that you actually try to jump in and help or participate in conversations about kids though. How dare anyone dismiss what you have to say about anything!
That being said, when my kids were smaller, and I took them to the gymboree type things, 89% of the moms there bored the snot out of me with their constant talk about poop, how much their kids did, what it looked like etc. Just because I am a mom does not mean ALL I am is a mom. I have no interest in talking about what my kids ate (unless it is something interesting or gross or something) or how much they pooped (again unless it is something interesting like they pooped the shape of the virgin mary or something).
I have a friend that has bored me to tears since she had her first baby. All she ever wants to talk about are coupons and baby food. This is the same friend that I went to see Puppetry of the Penis with. Where did my FRIEND go????
Sure, yes, I need to make sure they are safe and I am doing the right thing with them but I ALSO am still me. The same me that cracks inappropriate jokes, finds the dirty in things that weren’t meant to be, and thinks life should be fun.
I actually think we are a lot alike. And I would never discount any parenting advice you would give me. I think anyone would be lucky to have you as their mom. But I also think if you decide not to have kids that is ok and doesn’t make you “less than” either. Neither choice is better than the other, either way you are someone I feel lucky to know.
radioactive toris last blog post..Thumbs Up
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September 16th, 2008 at 6:48 am
To kid or not to kid…
It’s funny to read this, Hilly, because so often I feel like the odd one out since I’m married and I DO have kids, and I’m NOT miserable about it. It seems like the new thing for women is either to hate babies, or to have babies and then complain about it.
I think women come in all stripes, shapes, sizes and personalities, and we need to hike up our skirts and cut each other some slack to just be human and be okay with one another. If friends of mine who don’t have kids want to offer suggestions, PLEASE, I could use some help! And if I blog about how proud my kid makes me, PLEASE, for the love of everything, just roll your eyes and offer me a hug. Y’know?
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September 16th, 2008 at 7:11 am
I think every woman should experience motherhood.
Good on you Hilly. Have a baby!!
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September 16th, 2008 at 7:37 am
In so many ways, you’re like me 3 years ago… It’s bizarre watching this.
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September 16th, 2008 at 7:43 am
I never wanted to have kids either. I didn’t have the patience for kids and couldn’t really relate to them. I always got along with adults better even when I was a kid myself.
Then I got pregnant unexpectedly and had to shift my way of thinking. I was going to be a mom and I learned to accept it and then embrace it.
I love my son (he is 10 now) to death but I find that some of the reasons that I had originally chose not to have kids has impacted my parenting skills and not for the better. I am still impatient and tend to get upset/angry if he doesn’t do things when I tell him to or he pushes too much.
I will never say that I am a perfect parent or that I don’t need advice. Some of the best advice that I have ever been given has been by people who don’t have kids.
I think that if/when you do have your own child, you will do it a lot better than I ever did because you were ready.
Rachels last blog post..Plateau - Not Just A Geological Formation Anymore
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September 16th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I am a HORRIBLE commenter, so please excuse me for just bursting in on here and saying - THANK YOU!!!! You may have just inspired me to write a post on this very subject in the future, because it has been an issue weighing heavily on my mind too.
I want to have kids … eventually .. but, in the meantime, it seems like all my friends who do have children already act like if I give a suggestion or ask a question, I’m the know-it-all married with no kids chick who has my head buried in the ground. My best friend, my sister in law, and some of my other closest friends with kids have made me walk away from a conversation feeling like the dumbest dipshit that ever walked the earth.
My thing is…I have a little brother who’s 9 years younger than me. I practically helped RAISE the child with my mother, so amazing enough, I actually DO know what I’m talking about sometimes. But some of these mothers treat me with that condescending attitude, like, Well, that was your brother, it’s different. :blush: Not ALL my mommy friends are like that, and I even read mommy bloggers who aren’t like that either. But STILL - it does sting, because while you’d like to have your own some day, you’re trying to be responsible and wait it out.
Thanks for this post! :rock
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September 16th, 2008 at 8:35 am
I really like what Radioactive Tori had to say. When people have kids and their LIFE…nay, their IDENTITY…is their kids…when they have no goals anymore, and all they talk about is their children…well, that frightens me. I KNOW kids take over a lot of your life…but really. If that ever happens to me, someone please shoot me.
And I feel like I can say this because one of my dear friends from college has a 3 year old who is SO awesome and smart and cool and loved. Family time is so important to them. But she runs races, and goes on trips, and goes out for coffee and talks about things like work and fitness and sometimes her kid (actually I wish she’d talk about him more, but I think she worries she’ll bore me) because her life is NOT JUST her kid. She is still who she is, and an awesome mommy to boot.
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September 16th, 2008 at 8:49 am
First, I love this post. Really. The honesty behind it. And despite the fact I have always known I’d want a family someday … I feel ya on the feeling excluded just because we don’t have our own children yet. In fact, I think I make it worse because I tend to note all the many (and there seem to be tons) similarities between babies and dogs … and well, I’m quite certain I have offended more than one mother. I think it’s fucking hilarious. And laugh harder knowing they don’t have a sense of humor. Anyway, I’ve digressed …
I see you all about the blogosphere and should’ve stopped by sooner. Thanks for checking in today (even if it was only because Tori gave you the lead). Maybe you’ll stop by again sometime. I know I will. :-)
Nilsas last blog post..Drowning
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September 16th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Hmm I have a bunch of things to say. Trying to figure out how to put it all together. I think the best way is to preface this with the fact that I didn’t think I would ever have kids. Mine were 100% planned, but my life was completely different from what I had intended. I didn’t love everyone’s kids, I was afraid to hold them because I thought I’d do something wrong.
The thing is, I can honestly say that having a child changes something permanent inside. Something you don’t realize is there that deep down, something beyond who you are. Something I sure as hell didn’t expect. Sure, everyone says how it will create this mommy-person. Yeah, whatever.
I didn’t bond instantly with my child. But about, oh… a month after? Wholly crap, I would have outright killed someone if they even tried to threaten my child. And I was a passivist. Seriously. I was against even using lethal force to protect my own life. And yet, if I walked into my child’s room and there was someone who should not be there? I’d flat out take their life and ask questions later - and I’m NOT exaggerating here.
My point in telling you this is that this change that happens? I don’t care who you are, it shocks the hell out of you. You’re trying to learn who the hell you are, because it isn’t what you thought. Maybe it’s more, less, or sideways, but it wasn’t what you started with - even up until the birth.
The rug is literally pulled out of your world, for better or worse. It tends to make people really bitchy. Not to mention that this taps into the maternal instinct portion of your brain where you literally have animalistic reflexes you never imagined would apply to you.
So when people say that non-moms don’t get it, I can attest that they really don’t. I sure as hell didn’t. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that non-moms don’t have a lot to offer. They do. They just need to remember that they’re dealing with a brand-new powder-keg of a personality shift that might take decades to sort out for the person in question.
So with that in mind, you just have to be careful. Offer when ASKED for advice, just like anything else. If there is one thing that annoys most people about ANY topic (child or not), it’s being offered “advice” when no one actually asked for it from a specific person (erm, kinda like now. You didn’t ask, and I’m shooting my mouth off. Ready to slap me yet?
)
And for the cliques who are determined to leave you out? If you did have a kid, they’d just find another reason to bitch about you. Think high-school clique, but with scarier hormones involved.
I mean, has my Stepford Wives nonsense out here taught you nothing? :p
Kyras last blog post..Anniversary
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September 16th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I have a gay male friend who has been similarly hurt by Mommies. He’s a human, who has awesome insight into human behavior, who was a child, who may want to parent someday, and who has questions and ideas just like everyone else. Why in the world do some people think they are so damn unique that other humans could never understand them? Could drive me to insane, illegal actions, but fortunately I am very balanced and in harmony with my yin. Or is it yang. Yeah, yang.
deb on the rockss last blog post..Desperately Seeking Band of Post Apocalyptic Renegades
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September 16th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I hate that someone would make you feel that way when you’re simply trying to engage with them. Bad manners, I think.
I do, to an extent, understand what you’re feeling. I decided after the debacle that was 1998 (the year I was pregnant twice and only had one baby that wasn’t due to arrive until 1999) and the aftermath that I was done with kids. And now that I no longer can have them, I have these moments when I’d love to hold a little girl of my own in my arms.
Finns last blog post..So…
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September 16th, 2008 at 10:38 am
My first visit here, and I enjoyed this post. I never wanted kids, but there were times when I couldn’t help to wonder what type of person Hubby and I would make… To this day, I still don’t really want a child, and now I can’t, so that book is closed. I so understand the way you felt, I’ve felt the same and still do at times. But, not having a child doesn’t make us anyless capable of opinions on them.
Hopefully you’ll get what your heart desires…
Stinkypaws last blog post..Karma is really a…
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September 16th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Hilly, I don’t think I have ever glazed over or gotten mad when a childless friend offered me advice about my kids. I don’t *think*.
I feel like the ones who did/do this to you feel threatened by your offerings, because if a woman without kids, who hasn’t gone through that sacred, most holy incredible stupendous superhero task of pushing a kid out of her hoonanny, knows how to fix it, then what makes *them*, the mothers, so special?
Just like any common group, there are certain exclusionary behaviors that take place. And I think those behaviors suck. Shit, just look at all the “Mommy Wars” that have taken place in the blog world alone!
I said all that to say this: I don’t think it’s anyone’s right to make you feel inferior because of your choices in life, or over what you do or don’t have. That’s just rude, lame, self-centered, and shitty.
Also, you are awesome, and I hope you get a child if that’s what you want.
Melanies last blog post..What A Cranky Betch
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September 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
It seems that more & more couples are waiting longer to become parents. My ex, at nearly 45, is expecting her first in a few weeks! You have pelnty of time Hil, if and when the time is right for you. : )
Believe me, I understand the attitude that is often dispensed from being childless, though I’m sure it’s a bit different for men and women. For me as a single guy now, with virtually EVERY potential partner being a mother (a MILF - ha!), my experience has been there’s just no good way to answer the question, “why didn’t you have children?” The fact that my wife and I chose not to have children because we just wanted to enjoy a relationship with each other is an apparently COMPLETELY illegitimate reason. They only HEAR “you hate kids.” If I DO manage to convince her that I’m COMPLETELY open to a relationship with children, I’m in no way qualified to interact with her children because *I* don’t have any. It’s an extremely slippery slope and mostly, a no-win situation.
Johns last blog post..Dirty Work
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September 16th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Scroll city… check out all of the comments….
I know sometimes those of us with kids think we know it all, but at the same time, those of us with kids don’t really know it all.
Going through some tough times with my almost 17-yr-old daughter (who lives with her mom). Do you think I know all the answers? Hell no. I wish I did, but each bit of advice gets applied differently with each child. So anytime someone gives me advice, I don’t pre-qualify them if they are a parent or not. I simply take their advice, thank them and think about how it may work for me and my situation.
Personally, any parent that judges like that, may be doing so without trying to be mean, but it’s all done from that “you don’t understand” perspective, which if you really think about it, YOU do understand. you were a kid once. HELLO!!
So regardless of you wanting a child or not, somewhere in time, you were once little. At least that’s what I always remember.
martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #22
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September 16th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I had all kinds of opinions before I had kids, and now I can see what an asshat I was. Mainly, because *MANY* childless people have all of these opinions that are absolutes, (including me). I think that’s why once you do have kids, you think people with strong opinions should just go f*ck themselves. Because before you live through the days and nights of a screaming colicky baby who can’t be consoled, you just can’t even imagine how condescending people can be with their helpful tips and suggestions. It is almost like if they haven’t lived through it, their opinion DOES NOT COUNT. Kind of like men giving advice regarding menstruation.
That said, I know you would be a phenomenal mother. You are compassionate and you have a wonderful sense of humor. That is what gets me through my hard days. And I’ll bet you money, your kids would inherit it. Mine have inherited mine, which at 6 and 8 can be mildly disturbing at time.s
Jennifers last blog post..
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September 16th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Everyone is allowed to change their mind Hill, even you. Just because you didn’t want them before doesn’t mean you can’t have them now. AND just because you don’t have children of your own doesn’t mean that you are unqualified to offer advice. Typically, a 3rd party, totally objective persons advice is the BEST, whether they have kids or not.
Lucys last blog post..Feel the PPH People
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September 16th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
When I had Juli, I thought motherhood was going to be a piece of cake because I had so much experience with babies and kids. Somehow, during the trip home from the hospital, every shred of knowledge I had about babies fled my brain. It was terrifying to hold this tiny baby (okay, NOT tiny but new) in my arms and realize I didn’t have a clue how to be a mother. Thank God instinct kicked in! Looking back, I think I actually did a pretty good job, especially if the adult Juli is any measure of my success.
I don’t think knowledge/experience or the lack thereof is what’s important. It’s having the capacity to love someone unconditionally, and to put their needs above your own. You are definitely good mommy material.
I hope it happens for you - just try your best to make sure you choose the right babydaddy! (I SUCKED at that part.)
SJs last blog post..Another notch on my blogpost
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September 16th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Martymankins nailed it, Hilly. The real trick to getting through some of the tough issues you deal with while raising kids (particularly teenagers) is to recall yourself and your friends at that age. With empathy comes wisdom.
You’d be a wonderful mom.
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September 16th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Aww shit, Hilly. Does this mean you’ll stop reading my non-existent blog with my non-existent posts in 5 months when my wife pops and I become a full-blown daddyblogger?
Btw, aren’t run-on sentences fun?!?!?
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September 16th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I would value any input you would be prepared to give me regarding my son because I know it would be coming from the right place. Even though I have a child I often feel excluded from those “Mommy” groups. They often dismiss my input because I only have one child. I mean, what would I know about the pressures they experience with 4 kids? It is hard when you feel like your opinion doesn’t count, especially when you are a genuine person like yourself. But I do think it’s an insecurity thing on their part. You would be a great Mum, by the way. And you just never know what lies around the corner.
Selmas last blog post..Possum In The Moonlight
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September 16th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Penelope: I would love to babysit but I am so far away. Yet ANOTHER reason for me to move to England, right?
Mattie: Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I think that in order to be a parent one definitely does have to have a very open mind, heart AND mouth (uh, in the positive way, of course!).
Britt: I sooo appreciate you sharing something about yourself that does indeed make me understand a lot better. I can see the other side of that coin, that in some instances the parent would feel like the single is being judgmental. I know that *I* always try to approach it with a helpful tone in my voice but not everyone does that all of the time. Hell, maybe I don’t even do that and I don’t know it!
Tori: I am so glad to hear you say that! I often fear losing myself into parenting, being one of those people that ONLY talks about kids and kids stuff all of the time, mostly because I am aware of my penchant for being a bit obsessive over things. However, I think that since you and I are SO alike, I’d be more likely to follow your suit and talk about a million different things. Hell, I’d probably get blog haters saying that I don’t talk about the kid enough!
Shari: “It seems like the new thing for women is either to hate babies, or to have babies and then complain about it.”
Oh my word…I was just talking about this with someone today. The hating babies or not wanting to hear about them thing I’ve seen and I’m sorry to say that I have done it before as well. But this thing where people have babies…I mean they are fucking BLESSED with a child and then they complain and act like they have the hardest life ever because of it? I know it is rude but I often want to ask, “then why did you?”. Thanks for being so awesome!
Jules: Thanks babycakes! Now to find an insemination machine!
AB: So do you want a baby or no or or or???
Rachel: Yes but you stepped up and you learned along the way. Some of the best advice I give others stems from being around and helping my mommy friends that were just like you and had to figure it all out. That’s where the growing is!
C-Rah: See, that actually saddens AND angers me. It’s one thing if a person spews off unhelpful advice having never been around or raised another child, even if not their own. It is another to just…wow, negate any experience you may have.
Diane: I actually have a friend that sets aside a day for all family time. She doesn’t get online, she doesn’t call her friends…it is all about the family. Of course, the rest of the week is very centered around them as well but I like that she takes that time out to just breathe them in. I have no idea what the hell this has to do with your comment but it felt like a story to tell you, hah.
Nilsa: I hope you DO stick around and uh, secret time, I did not find you through Tori actually! I was happy to know that you know here when I found your blog though!
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September 16th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Kyra: I loved your comment. It actually spawned part of a discussion with someone else earlier. And you totally got one of the things that I was trying to say too…I don’t pretend to get it or understand; I just want to help if I can.
Deb on the Rocks: Thank GOD for your inner harmony, cause otherwise, I’d come with ya to kick some ass.
Finn: It’s like someone else said…we, as women, need to treat each other better. And lots of hugs to you, honey…
Stinkypaw: Thanks for your first visit! And also, thank you so much for the great words of encouragement. Come back!
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September 16th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Melanie: Mommy Wars? Wait, I have to be a part of Mommy Wars if I have a kid?
John: Wow, that is just awful. I don’t see how those women cannot understand that you decided to wait and then uh, by the time it would have been time, you were divorced. I’m sorry they give you such shit…what you NEED to do is date someone that has no kids. Ahem.
Marty: I’m actually going to write a whole post on the “you don’t understand” phenomenon. It comes from many avenues and I think it’s a shitty thing to say to someone. Also, egads…17! Now there is an age I COULD give advice on, given I was the biggest freaking hellion in my teens!
Jennifer: Sometimes though, women like me have helped raised children and have been though those sorts of things. I mean, sure…not as a Mom. Not knowing the fear and responsibility as a Mom. However, as an example, I lived with my best friend for many years and helped raise her kids. I spent countless nights up with those kids and know what it’s like not to sleep. But also, I’ve just learned things from doing that. If a person who has no kids is immediately discounted without having all of the facts, that is when it becomes shitty. I don’t want to feel like I have to list my resume to someone who is closed off to my help anyway. It becomes frustrating and I think many good suggestions go out the window that way.
Lucy: So what you are saying, sister, is that *I* am the best? Heehee!
SJ: I need to build a webpage called HillysBabyDaddy.com! And yeah, I figure all the reading that I am bound to do beforehand will mean crap-all when it actually happens.
Aunt Robin: Thanks! I think you are definitely right. Although, as I told Marty, recalling some of me at some of my years…woo, doggie! My kid won’t be able to lie at all!
Gary: Never! I’m always thrilled when you blog, daddy stuff or not. I mean, yanno…upcoming daddy stuff!
Selma: Okay now…WHAT? You have a child and yet you are still not valued enough because you haven’t had more than that? What is WRONG with people? How about kindness and understanding? Geesh!
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September 16th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
hilly,
i have read your blog for quite some time but with things that were going on with my family, I just couldn’t offer you anything. things changed today with a miracle (I posted about it on my blog)
If you are interested, post a comment or send me an email, and I will offer my insight, since my problems have been solved, I can offer my assistance
Charlene in Arkansass last blog post..AN AWESOME FUCKING MIRACLE
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September 17th, 2008 at 5:41 am
You are so right with this - I’m in the running away from my own kids but liking other people’s more than I used to (just about still in my 20’s) group.
This post is really good. It sums up how I feel now, and how I hope to feel in a few years too.
topchamps last blog post..aagh
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September 17th, 2008 at 6:12 am
It’s not so bad now that I’m not on the daily rollercoaster of infertility treatment and adoption processes, but there is always that understanding that I am different - because I am not a mom.
I’ve had those looks and one unfortunate case of “what do you know, you’re not a mother”
When you’re the last of your friends, the only of your colleagues, etc. it’s difficult - you feel disconnected.
All the best to you…
kateanons last blog post..Craigslist Diaries continued
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September 17th, 2008 at 6:23 am
You know Hilly, I’ve been a mom for 11 years and still don’t even feel qualified for the position. I have friends who aren’t moms that give me some of the best advice…and some of those friends are even MEN! Tell me that’s not screwed up. It sounds like you just work with a bunch of uptight mommies. I’m really sorry that they discount YOU of all people. I value your opinion, always.
Lisas last blog post..Autism Awareness Bracelet
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September 17th, 2008 at 6:58 am
I completely welcome any advice from my barren witches, I mean… my childless friends. The toils of parenting can blind a person at times to the obvious things.
However, I object to people being condescending to me *about* parenting when they haven’t done it themselves. That is something I stand up to and will bark at proactively.
Outsider advice? Always cool with me.
whalls last blog post..Beginnings
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September 17th, 2008 at 7:12 am
I just wanted to say that I have always felt that the best mom advice comes from those that aren’t mothers. I constantly talk to a friend of mine who doesn’t have children to figure out what I should do about my own.
When there is a problem with them I am viewing things mostly through rose colored glasses. They are my kids and I want to only see the good. My friend sees the reality of the situation. Not to say that she doesn’t love my kids, she just looks at the whole picture.
I don’t know that I am making much sense so I will just say this: I would gladly listen to advice from most anyone, parent or not.
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September 17th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Shoot, I wrote a comment and either forgot to hit submit or something.
The majority of my friends don’t have children and I value their opinions. In fact, most of the time I don’t feel qualified to be a parent and I’ve been one for 11 years. I can’t stand other parents who think they know it all.
Parenting isn’t brain surgery so your co-workers need to get off their high-horse. Parenting is about dealing with people…younger people…and guiding them in the right direction.
Anyone who discounts YOU of all people is an idiot.
Lisas last blog post..Autism Awareness Bracelet
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September 17th, 2008 at 11:04 am
I never wanted kids either - I don’t usually like ‘em. Mine were unintended but I love them all the more for it…yet I never have had the desire to try for more.
I have to admit that there are certain subjects that I personally consider to be “You can’t know, you haven’t been there or done that”… but mommying isn’t one of them. I welcome any and all advice, tips, etc - and you’ve got fresh eyes & have PLENTY to offer!
I do get defensive if I feel my parenting methods are being criticized… but I’m the first to admit that I still have no idea how to be one of those good mother types. I don’t even get up and make breakfast in the morning.
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September 17th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Wow, the comments are almost as interesting as the post itself. I am with Britt…I have done the “you don’t know what you’re talking about” attitude. Especially to my sister.
BUT, I have also been dismissed by people who DON’T have kids. As in, “what do you know? You’ve been watching Barney for the last 10 years!”
It seems like we could all learn to treat each other with a little more respect.
J.
HoosierGirls last blog post..10 on Tuesday
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September 17th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
UGH.
My effing power is still fricking out (since Sunday!) and look at the stuff I’ve missed! GRRRRRRRRRR.
Anyway, I know what you mean. I felt the same way a lot of times before I had a kid, but even now, because I “don’t know what it’s like having a teenager”, etc.
This used to annoy me to death. For years and years I never wanted a kid - and then I get pregnant. All of a sudden, I understood those looks, to some extent. I thought my advice or criticisms were so right on, etcm - and some were, and some weren’t. It is a lot harder to understand until you’re actually in that position, or have experienced it.
But because I’ve felt the same way, I do not condescend to people giving me advice. If I am asking for it, or whining/ bitching, etc - then I welcome the advice! Actually, my kid is killing me right now, and I would seriously welcome any advice on the situation!
Maybe I’ll email you with the problem. God knows I don’t have all the answers!
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September 17th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
As a mother of two, I can honestly say I never really wanted children. Weird, but true. I love my children endlessly, truly I do. I just don’t think I was cut out of “mommy” material. To not have a child shouldn’t be something we judge women by, yet we do. Uhm… ok, I reall don’t know what I’m trying to say other than those mommies in the surrouding cube should probably listen to you — sometimes an impartial third-party actually has ideas. Good ideas even
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September 17th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I’m a parent.
I have friends that are not.
Sometimes they have the most creative ways on how to deal with problems and/or situations. I don’t think I’ve given them the “what the hell do you know” look, at least I hope not. I thought I knew what I was getting into when we found out we were going to be parents. Little did I know - I knew nothing… and just because you give birth, doesn’t mean you auto-magically know EVERYTHING.
Your co-workers need to re-think a few things.
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September 17th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I can totally relate. I always said I NEVER wanted to have kids. I’m not sure if it naturally happens when you get older but now that I’m close to the age where I may not be ABLE to have them, I’m starting to think about it. I guess that clock is in there somewhere. Now I feel like if it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t I’ll be alright with that too. Then I’ll offer to babysit for friends and change my mind again to NEVER wanting the little rug rats.
MBs last blog post..I ain’t missing you …
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September 18th, 2008 at 7:04 am
This is why I’m not into that whole mommy thing. They get in those groups and they think they’re the shit cause they popped out a kid. Puleeze. Bunch of dingbats who don’t know any more about raising a kid than you do. The difference is that they have that group of likeminded women to validate them. I may not be a great mom. I have issues with my kid. There’s a buttload of stuff I did wrong. But see, here’s the thing. NONE of us know how to be parents. Everyone of us has to start someplace. And every kid is different. Sometimes the parent and the kid match up doesn’t work too well. That’s when the kid’s friend’s mom gets them better than you do. There is one thing here that I know above all else and that is that having popped out a kid does not make a woman better than one who hasn’t popped out a kid. Not to worry, Hilly. You would make an awesome mom. Your heart is as big as the sun and you have an infinite ability to accept people for who they are… that’s all you really need. Love and good intentions.
Winters last blog post..Quick N’ Hot
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September 18th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Your heart is as big as the sun and you have an infinite ability to accept people for who they are… that’s all you really need. Love and good intentions.
Here, here…
Or is it “hear, hear…”? Either way, well said Winter!
*pixie*s last blog post..money for the dead
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September 18th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I have this great single friend named Nancy. She is AMAZING with my kids and with kids in general. She’s never had one of her own and she doesn’t want to. I am so jealous of her ability to always stay calm. My girls adore her and she’s so much fun.
That being said, I would never discount the opinion of someone who doesn’t have a kid. The out-of-the-box thinking that can come from someone who’s not dealing with the same crap everyday would be very refreshing. So, it’s not all of us who are like that. You can give me advice anytime.
As far as your desire to have kids goes, I hope that if you want one, you are able to have one because it is a great experience and I have no doubt that you’d be a fabulous Mom.
Black Belt Mamas last blog post..Will I ever be the same?
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September 18th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I take advice from anyone and anywhere….. I don’t care if you’ve had kids or not! Take my post on my 11 year old wearing make up…I asked people who have kids to give their opinion, and I asked others when they started wearing make up. It takes a village…… I think your advice would be awesome! :rock
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September 19th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Sometimes people just don’t want solutions; they want to have the problem to worry over.
I changed my mind a few times and now landed on no kids through me, but I still may adopt. The worst feeling about it was not being able to connect with my mom on her most comfortable level, child rearing. My sisters got all kinds of attention through their kids and I felt a little left out.
Other than that I don’t think I would know if I was on a mommy blog or not.
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September 19th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Hi, came over from Miss Britt. Just wanted to say that I gladly take advice & suggestions from my childless friends, and I too would feel a little hurt when it seems to me you are being empathic to your co-workers and friends.That makes you kind. Good luck with getting your wish. Best Wishes.
J from Irelands last blog post..10 Months already, Baby.
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September 21st, 2008 at 7:03 am
I think you would make a wonderful mother.
I just try to ask questions to parents, or give compliments… or share stories about kids I know. Yeah. I probably annoy them.
kilaxs last blog post..Embracing a transformation
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