September 17th, 2008

Don’t Need No Hateration…

I’m not feeling very well today so bear with me if this post starts spiral into fountains of thought that never connect.  You know me…I always mean for things to come together at the end, delivered to you like a prime time television dramedy, gift wrapped with a pretty little bow.  Unfortunately, Tylenol Cold medicine has stolen my flair for the fancy so you get what you get!  Besides the fact that my head feels foggy, this subject is all discombobulated in my mind anyway so I hope to make sense if it by the end of what will inevitably be way too many paragraphs.

Anydiddle, one thing that I don’t understand (and never really have) is when a friend “break up” leads to an ugly custody battle of who gets whom.  It makes no damned sense to me whatsoever.  The crazy thing is that I tend to see this happen more in Internet relationships than not.  Suddenly people are taking sides in things that are none of their damned business to begin with and at that point, what might have been a salvageable friendship gets completely ruined.  I know from personal experience that I can have a huge falling out with someone due to frustrations that keep getting pushed below the surface.  Sometimes we blow up, sometimes we just stop talking to each other and sometimes there are tears.  However, unless a person is truly detrimental to my mental health, I like to leave the door open just in case one or both of us grows out of whatever fit we happen to be in at the time.  Hell, sometimes friend break-ups are just a part-time thing…a necessity to get some space, gather some perspective and then maybe rekindle what was so lost in the first place.

However…and this is a HUGE however, once someone starts spreading rumors about me to all of my friends or better yet, once they start trying to convince mutual friends that they should too dislike me, all bets are off.  There is nothing worse than hearing your deepest darkest secrets repeated back to you from a stranger whom you hardly know.  I’ve had people tell me that they can’t be my friend anymore because they saw what I did to so-and-so and don’t want to be next on my nonsensical beheading list.  Ahhh, well there’s a big fucking clue that the someone with whom I am in flux is playing the martyr and not owning up to her shit in all of this.  And then, whammo…the fighting starts, the gossiping behind each others’ backs, and the mock-hatred sets in.

Pause for the cause:  I say “mock hatred” because I don’t believe in hate.  However, I’ve said “I hate that fucking bitch” before meaning that I really can’t stand someone at all.  Somehow I’ve got to stop using that phrase when I get angry because I really don’t mean it.

In any case, recently I’ve had to just walk away from a couple of people who were really sucking my soul dry.  One thing that is really hard for me to do is stand by and watch someone put forth this public persona that has absolutely nothing to do with the shit they pull in real life.  Don’t get me wrong here…I am not talking about people who protect their identities with a net persona rather those who pull the wool over their readers eyes while giggling at their gullibility.  It almost reminds me of my Mom recording her answering machine message…

“Hi, you’ve reached blah blah blah.  I am so sorry that I am unable to get your call right now because everyone who calls here is truly important to me.  If  you’ll promise to leave me a message with your phone number included, then I will make every attempt possible to get back to you right away.  Thank you for calling and have a blessed day”.

I listened to her record that over and over, and as soon as she hit stop, she said something to the effect of, “But let’s  hope that fucking bitch Margo doesn’t call me because she does not count and I certainly do NOT wish her a blessed day.  In fact, she can go fuck her fat assed self!”.

Yeah, somehow I think my mother’s hypocritical influence should be a whole other post for a whole other day.  My point was that having to listen to and watch people that mirror that attitude is very hard on me.  It’s not just because I am judgmental and easily annoyed (even though I am, I have to admit it).  It’s got a lot to do with living through that crap in my childhood.  My mom, holy crap…she was the “put on the happy face and dance” type of person who showed one side publicly then became someone else behind closed doors.  Sadly, she always made sure we did the same thing growing up as well.

Let me get to the flipping point.  So, I’ve stopped a friendship or two but am happy to say that my BFFs still talk to those people.  Look, I cannot lie and say that my BFFs don’t know exactly how I feel about situations and/or understand the reasons that I’ve had to walk away.  However the important thing is, they make their own calls.  I would NEVER presume to tell someone who they should or should not be friends with.  I would NEVER ask anyone to choose sides.  One of the best things about life is that we’re all so different therefore creating this rule where there are no rules….you may like someone for the exact reason that I dislike them.  That’s just life and I feel that life shouldn’t be twisted into something ugly as much as it is.

Needless to say, this does stem from a situation which baffles me.  I’ve learned that someone has done the very things that I just swore I would never do.  In the end though…that’s them and I’m me.  While that sounds simplistic, it’s true.  I’ll live my life my way and if someone chooses to take sides then really, were they my friend in the first place?  Um…hell no.

Cherry NyQuill Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Friendship, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (36)

36 Responses to “Don’t Need No Hateration…”

  1. aka_monty Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 10:57 am

    “One thing that is really hard for me to do is stand by and watch someone put forth this public persona that has absolutely nothing to do with the shit they pull in real life.”

    I doubt that we’re thinking of the same person/people, but I do know EXACTLY what you mean.
    Sometimes I almost have to break my fingers in order to not point them. :)
    Then I try to convince myself that I’m the ‘bigger person’ for not calling them to the carpet.
    *sigh*

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. Dagny Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 10:57 am

    I get what you’re saying. It’s like when I’m watching “The Hills” and get pissed off with Spencer. So he’s decided to not be friends with someone. Doesn’t mean that the other people in his life can’t maintain relationships with these folks. (Yes, reality TV has taken over my life.)

    Dagnys last blog post..The interview

  3. Blondefabulous Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 10:59 am

    Mmmmmmmm….. cherry NyQuil! My Fave!

    Sounds like someone didn’t learn the life lesson of live and let live. I hate it when that happens. :oy: Drama.

    Blondefabulouss last blog post..Be A Parent, Not A Girlfriend, Damnit!

  4. Miss Britt Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:02 am

    I’m wondering if there is ANY possible way for me to read this right now without injecting all kinds of my own personal shit into it. Heh.

    OK - let me try…

    “Let me get to the flipping point. So, I’ve stopped a friendship or two but am happy to say that my BFFs still talk to those people. Look, I cannot lie and say that my BFFs don’t know exactly how I feel about situations and/or understand the reasons that I’ve had to walk away. However the important thing is, they make their own calls.”

    I think that says alot about your friendships and the fact that you are OK with people disagreeing with you.

    I think it ALSO says something to the fact that you are AWARE that your friends still talk to those other people. It’s not some going around behind your back weird thing. They obviously trust you to accept their “decisions” and vice versa.

    As for me and mine?

    I’ll admit I’m paranoid as hell right now. Because my trust in someone was shaken. Now I feel like I don’t know what to expect next and I’m paranoid and scared to fucking death.

    Miss Britts last blog post..This Post Is Self Indulgent Navel Gazing At Its Worst. Feel Free To Move Along.

  5. Princess of the Universe Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:03 am

    I’ve had to break up with a friend, or even worse been the remaining friend of the middle of the two.

    I just try to remove myself from each situation and realize that I can only control how I feel. I can’t make other people pick me or the other person- nor do I feel that I should HAVE to pick between my two friends.

    It’s my call.

    Sorry you’re in an awkward spot babe
    xo

    Princess of the Universes last blog post..I Wish I Blogs Had Existed When I was Doing My Psych Thesis…

  6. Nat Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:14 am

    More drama eh? Le great big sigh.

    Hugs.

    Nats last blog post..57 Channels and nothing on…

  7. adena Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am

    amen.

    adenas last blog post..C-C-C-Changes

  8. Avitable Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:20 am

    I’m not quite clear on what you swore you would never do that someone’s asking you to do? Choose sides?

    I will say, when Donna went batshit and decided I was being selfish by raising money for NYCWD, I got a bit offended when I saw people who knew me and knew what she had said who then became friends with her.

    However, if there’s already a friendship that exists between those two people, I’d never ask someone to choose. It’s not fair.

  9. Hilly Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:30 am

    Adam - No, the things that I swore I would never do are badmouth someone to mutual friends and try to get them on my “side” rather than just letting them remain friends with everyone.

    And yes, these were all friendships that were already in place. I feel very differently about befriending someone who I did not know but who has hurt a good friend of mine. I’m very loyal and stuff…

  10. Sharon Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:36 am

    As usual, I am very much in the dark about the incident that inspired this post. (I really should get more plugged in to the PRB. . .)

    I agree with your sentiments, though: I let my friends make their own decisions without pressure from me.

    Hope you feel better soon! :)
    Sharons last blog post..One week

  11. Cricky Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:39 am

    There are days that I am green with envy that popular bloggers go on fancy trips to meet other bloggers. There are times I’m jealous as hell that other bloggers get 10,000 hits a day.

    Then the drama starts and everyone who read the two bloggers has to post about who, why and if they will have to chose sides.

    Being a nobody in the blogosphere makes me sad, but knowing I don’t have ot be fake, knowing I don’t have to chose sides, and knowing I am not pissing people off is a really great feeling. :whistle:
    Crickys last blog post..All about MeMe

  12. Hilly Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:40 am

    Sharon: You are out of the loop because it is private drama! I don’t like my shit aired all over blogs. But really, it is not that big of a situation…more thought inspiring than anything.

    Nat and Adena: Word.

    Princess: It IS really calming to just sit back and say “well, I am just going to be myself and let the chips fall” without trying to control it.

    Britt: You bring up a really good point about at least knowing who talks to whom, blah blah. I am so sorry that you are feeling paranoid and exposed right now too. :(

    Blondefabulous: There are a lot of people who never learned that lesson, unfortunately.

    Dagny: I love how you are relating this to The Hills. Hahaha, you are awesome! :rock

    Monty: I am telling you sister…we were separated at birth or something like that. We just GET each other.

    Yes, I did just answer these in reverse order!

  13. Hilly Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:42 am

    Cricky: Don’t call yourself a nobody! Nobody is a nobody! Uh, you get what I mean, right? I think these are the things that happen in real life too but they become intensified on the net because so much focus goes into one topic. I don’t really have as much drama as this post would indicate at all. Every now and then though, I wish I could hide behind someone’s dress or something.

  14. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am

    I’ve gotten to the point in my life where my friends are the people who I like and if they don’t like each other, that’s their fucking problem and I won’t partake in the dramatics of it. It’s called maturity and many people lack it.

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..holy bloody hell i’m on high speed internet again!

  15. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am

    Wow that sounded bitchy - didn’t mean it that way, just getting right to the point, yanno?

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..holy bloody hell i’m on high speed internet again!

  16. Hilly Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Sugarpanties: I knew exactly how you meant it. If I had more piss and vinegar today, this post may have been a lot snarkier. :grr:

  17. Finn Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 11:58 am

    *sigh* I often wonder why I bother with people at all anymore. All this drama and bullshit wears me out. Life is too short.

    Sounds to me like you have your head on straight.

  18. sybil law Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Well, I’ve definitely been in your position before, and I just sit back and let the shit slinging begin. It seems like, when you try and defend yourself, things get worse. I figure, people will figure out whatever sooner or later. I stay out of it.
    However, I’d like to smack whoever did something to you!
    Choosing sides is SO 4th grade dodgeball. :)
    And I think your mom is freaking hilarious!!!!

  19. Jules Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    I am with Karen Sugarpants . If my friends don’t like each other, that is just it, they don’t like each other. I have no control over them. Interestingly the friends that don’t care for one another are all Tauruses (sp?)
    I refuse to play some kind of game with them.

    Feel better Hilly!

    Juless last blog post..Vision anyone?

  20. suze Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    Live and let live is a good philosophy. For a lot of things, but especially when it comes to mutual friends.

    suzes last blog post..just a thought…

  21. B.E. Earl Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Wow, between this post and Britt’s post I’m feeling I’ve got company with whats going on in my private life as well.

    Must be something in the water.

    B.E. Earls last blog post..Wha, wha, what!

  22. metalmom Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    I’m Switzerland.

    I try to stay neutral.

    I don’t nuke anyone I disagree with either.

    metalmoms last blog post..Banging and Rutting

  23. Mattie Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    First of all, I hope you feel better soon. This past year you’ve had so much health shit going on … the surgery, a couple of bouts with colds/bronchitis etc. And trust me, the discombobulated emotional stuff tends to make all the physical stuff 10 times worse.

    Finally, this whole friendship thing can be much more complicated than a marriage! So, I get what you say and I agree with what you say and I know it’s tough to take that road.

    It’s sad to lose a friend. It’s disgusting when that friend uses what you had between the two against you in anger.

    That is what makes me guarded to let people in my life to begin with.

    Here’s an example (true story): I had a friend. I once told her that my (now-ex) husband would never, ever cheat on me because he was so shy he could never be the one to approach another woman.

    So, she went after him. She was beautiful and he took what was offered.

    Yeah. That sucks. But it made me realize that there are just some things that should not be shared even with a BFF.

  24. Hilly Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Finn: I figure that for every crap-star, there are five wonder-stars!

    Sybil: That is exactly it too! I tend to over-defend myself mostly because I cannot stand the wrong facts getting out there. However, most people that do that are lying so uh, I tone it down.

    Jules: Speaking of Tauruses, my sister is one and *I* am a Scorpio. That’s good times, right there.

    Suze: Yep, I think it’s a matter of not needing to control people.

    BE Earl: Not YOU TOO? Geesh, we need to have a party or something. Bring booze. :sleep:

    Metalmom: Wait, what? You don’t just go around willy nilly declaring war? Pffft, and I thought we were tight, yo. ;)

    Mattie: What. the. fuck? That is the most heinous thing that I have heard of in a long long time, and sistah, I have my ear to the ground. It breaks my heart that this happened to you…that someone so insecure and manipulative decided to play a game with your life. Geezus.

  25. justrun Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    Wow. I know that’s a silly response but really these things just make me step back and go silent. It sounds like a terrible situation and I’m sorry that you’re in it. I know it’s hard when people get so intwined in our lives and then we have to let them go but never really get to do that completely. I wish you the best.

    Also, feel better. NyQuil is good stuff.

  26. Finn Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    *sighs* I sometimes wonder why I bother with other people* at all. The drama and bullshit just wears me out. I don’t understand it at all.

    *meaning most people, not people I bother to be friends with. Usually.

  27. MB Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    It sounds like your former friends are back in junior high school again. Some friendships are worth fighting for and some are just not worth the energy anymore. When you have a fight with a friend you find out quickly whether they were a true friend or not. Sounds like you are better off without this one and if your other mutual friends want to hang around they have to find out for themselves.

    MBs last blog post..I ain’t missing you …

  28. SJ Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 6:29 pm

    I’ve been in this situation several times in my life, including after my first marriage ended. Any break-up is painful enough without the added hurt of betrayal by friends.

    I think people who try to turn others against someone they’re angry at are seeking validation. In their mind, the more people that side with them, the more proof they are right. Like a lynch mob, they seek safety in numbers.

  29. Selma Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    I have been in a similar situation with a false picture being painted of me by an ex-friend who was actively seeking people to take sides. I didn’t defend myself because I thought that the people who knew me wouldn’t believe the rubbish she was coming out with. Boy, was I wrong. It still hurts to this day. Not that she said it, but that others believed it. Sorry you’re going through this. I feel for you.

    Selmas last blog post..Possum In The Moonlight

  30. Sybil Law Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Hey! I am a Taurus! And interestingly enough, my husband is a Taurus, as is an ex boyfriend I still get along with, and 2 of my very best friends.
    I am definitely stubborn, but not stupid. I like harmony.
    And Hilly, I think I used to try and over-defend myself, but it never worked. Now, I just say, “You know - people will believe what they want. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t do that shit” or whatever the situation is, and then you really find out who your friends are.
    I seriously get really angry thinking that someone is screwing with you. I am going to call whomever it is a clueless asshole. I don’t know you very well, but I do know that you are genuine, and you pretty much lay it all out there, and I would trust you totally. I am thinking the clueless asshole will figure that out sooner or later.

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Blow Jobs for Duke Employees

  31. Hilly Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 10:39 pm

    justrun: Not a silly response at all. Hell, if it wasn’t my life I’d do the same thing!

    Finn: I totally got what you mean, sweetie. :D

    MB: That is extremely solid advice and ya know, you are right!

    SJ: Geez, can I copy the above comment? I never really thought about that lynch mob mentality…so thank you.

    Selma: I once had a similar situation where a group of friends spread everything around and because I had felt bad about one little thing I did, I let them get away with all of their shit. Never again. So, I feel ya.

    Sybil: Yay for calling them clueless assholes! You are such a wonderful woman!

  32. Winter Says:
    September 18th, 2008 at 7:16 am

    I’m old. I just say fuck em all. Either people like me or they don’t. Either they don’t say anything or they talk shit. I think I just don’t care so much anymore. A remnant from many cyber wars of yesteryear I suppose. The moment someone starts babbling about me things that are either untrue or were told to someone in confidence, the person has now gone off my radar of people who matter. Dog shit on my shoe matters more. I think I’ve said before that I’ve gotten to this age where I just jettison the shit when it starts to fly, even if it includes people whom I used to call friend. We all have a limited time on this planet. I’m not wasting mine on stupid bullshit. So to cut to the chase, you’re better off without someone who would treat you that way. Kudos for any of your friends who refuse to get involved and take sides. While some of us may feel like jumping in to defend you and may be affronted by how someone has treated you, it’s no lack of loyalty to you if we let you fight your own battles. In fact, it’s probably an affront to you and your intelligence if we jump into the fray and don’t let you. I hate it when people treat you badly though, because I know you be one of the sweetest most awesome people ever.

    Winters last blog post..Quick N’ Hot

  33. Finn Says:
    September 18th, 2008 at 9:33 am

    Well hell, darlin’. I didn’t mean to comment twice! I did it from the phone the first time and the connection crapped out so I didn’t know that it went through! Then I decided to revise it the second time.

    How mortifying. :duh:
    Finns last blog post..So…

  34. Nilsa Says:
    September 18th, 2008 at 11:51 am

    They say it’s hard to make friends. I saw it’s hard to walk away from them and even harder to do so while keeping your head held high. Kudos to you for doing it the right way. Let them deal with that bitch known as karma.

    Nilsas last blog post..Business

  35. sam {temptingmama} Says:
    September 18th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Lucky for me I seem to have cut out the people that cause drama and are always bitching about someone. Life has been so much more pleasant since.

    Some ties are just worth breaking.

    *hugs*

  36. Poppy Says:
    September 19th, 2008 at 8:26 am

    My only comparison is divorcing my ex. No matter what our faults were together I would have preferred to maintain a friendship. He cut me off completely. I understand now that it is for the best, but it stung that when we divorced he took the friend I had since I was 13 with him. The friend he took used to be my BEST friend, through high school and college. He was my first boyfriend. He was the person I used to confide in. And the ex gets him. … And I’m secretly glad, because after the fact I realized they both have very similar personalities and they were both toxic to my well-being.

    Oh, wait, this post was about you? Right.

    I am so glad you did what you needed for you and walked away from unhealthy “friend”ships. :booze:
    Poppys last blog post..Well, that mostly sorta went slightly as planned

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