September 6th, 2008

Beneath The Sheets Of Paper Lies My Truth…

When it comes to my character traits, there are a few that make me want to run away from myself yet there are others of which I’m actually quite proud.  Lately though, it seems like one of my very best characteristics keeps chewing me up and spitting me out.  I call it…daring to hope.

I’m a very optimistic person, no matter how jaded I seem at times.  The snark is generally just my sense of humor or random irritation rearing its ugly head.  Yet, way deep deep down inside, I have so much hope for so many things.  Sure, this comes in a super sized order with regard to hoping for a better planet, a better president, a better county, and even a better me.  Those things generally don’t end up crushing me as much as the smaller things.

Ahhhh, the little innocuous things that shouldn’t matter.

The thing that generally ends up gutting me is a mixture of hope and  something I’ve mentioned here before…my insanely keen intuition.  I feel things and know things before they happen and yet, deep inside my heart of hearts, when I am just not ready to face what I see, I hang on to the hope that I am wrong.  Perhaps diving in head first to the reality of any situation is a better deal because at least it’s like ripping off a band aid and getting the fuck on with it.

But I struggle.

“What if I’m wrong?”, I think. “I mean, there’s a huge chance that I am making mountains out of molehills again so I’ll just sit by and let time pass.  Maybe then something will change and my intuition will just be freak paranoia!”.

I wonder if that’s actual hope or stupidity.  My nonsensical need to believe in the good in others often taints the whole picture as well.  I want to believe that certain people won’t ever hurt me, that their intentions are pure and that what they’re telling me is the truth.  In some cases, even in a world where I do believe that actions speak louder than words, I falter and fall.  I can give extreme credit to the smallest of actions, clinging once again to that hope.

However, actions bear no credence when the lack of them are still being justified.

I often wonder if people mistake my kindness and understanding as weakness.  I hope not because I think that most people who know me understand that although my heart is so very soft, my resolve and love for myself is so very strong.  There’s that raging dichotomy in me betwen the voice that screams, “I deserve more than this and don’t understand you!” and that which whispers “just be kind and give a few more inches and everything will be fine”.

Tonight I have tapes swirling in my head, situations drifting in and out like dark clouds and I am so very confused (and maybe hurt too).  I’m not even sure where to begin but just like Scarlet O’Hara, I’m sure I’ll fix it tomorrow.  Until then, I just keep on swimming.  What else is a girl to do, right?

Like Water For Chocolate Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology | Comments (24)

24 Responses to “Beneath The Sheets Of Paper Lies My Truth…”

  1. Avitable Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Even with your kindness and great humor, I’ve always seen you as someone not to fuck with who is very strong on the inside.

  2. aka_monty Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 9:18 pm

    I promise to always tell you the truth. And “weak” is a word I would never associate with you in ANY way. :pph:

  3. Dave2 Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 9:25 pm

    It seems for me lately that hope is always hovering just out of reach. I so hear that.

    Dave2s last blog post..Commando!

  4. SJ Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 9:29 pm

    I also have always viewed you as a very strong person who is fully capable of standing up for herself. Anyone who thinks they can take unfair advantage of you must not know you very well!

  5. Geeky Tai-Tai Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    I think this is about trust. How do we know who we can trust and who is just trying to schmooz us? I struggle with the same thing. Even at my ripe old age. I meet someone new, I’m guarded because that’s just me. My brain is saying, “Big Dee, be careful, don’t give away too much of yourself.” My heart is saying otherwise. Will I ever learn to listen to my intuition? I know that I’ve misjudged a few people in the beginning, only to discover that I truly loved them. If I hadn’t taken the risk to share myself with them, my life would not be as full as it is today.

    Geeky Tai-Tais last blog post..Clearly I Won’t Be Invited…

  6. Sarah Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    I have never once even thought the word ‘weak’ when reading any of your posts.

    I am a deep optimist too, even though I can be hot-headed and passive aggressive. I always hope for the best. It just seems that some days you have to hope a little harder than others.

    Sarahs last blog post..Now I just want to piss people off.

  7. Scott Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 11:05 pm

    “However, actions bear no credence when the lack of them are still being justified.”

    Keep reading what you wrote. Words are nice, Hil. But words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up.

  8. Amber Says:
    September 6th, 2008 at 11:57 pm

    I can relate to what you’re saying, maybe not the specifics but the general picture.

    We have that “insanely keen intuition” in common and… it’s not always kind or good.

    But Hilly? You’re a very intelligent woman. I have no doubt you know, and understand, that whole concept of, “if you don’t know sorrow, how will you be able to appreciate joy” yadah yadah yadah. And, I think that kind of goes with this. There are no guarantees in life. There are no guarantees in love. Or medicine. Or food. The only guarantee, really, is that if something is stamped “guaranteed” — you’re about to be screwed without a kiss.

    Sometimes, we have to roll the dice and just see what happens. There’s times in these crazy journeys of ours, we have to throw it in reverse, back up, and find an alternate route… but just because you get/got lost, does that discount all the amazing, wonderful, good, things you seen along the way… even if it turned out to be taking you the wrong way?

    Sometimes, you really do have to listen to that intuition of yours and pay attention to it, no matter how much it hurts/angers/whatever. The consequences are too dire to ignore it and you know in your heart of hearts that it’s TRUTH. Other times… you’ve just got to let the walls come down and let come what may, praying that God will give you the peace and strength to get through whatever is behind Door B.

    Only you will know the difference between the two.

    I have all the confidence in the world that you’re going to do what’s best for you in the long run. And if it turns out to not be the best? Well hell! Even the most incredible, amazing, intelligent, people make mistakes in this lifetime… the important thing is that you’ve got a LOT of people who love you and care about you and will be there however, whenever, wherever you need them to be to help you pick up the pieces. Or give you water when you’re getting tired of picking them up yourself.

    Whatever.

    It’s like, 1:00am here… please just go with the analogies, mmk? :)

    Anyway… it’s late, I’m rambling… please just don’t take this as if I’m “judging” or something — because I’m not. I wouldn’t presume to know everything about anyone whom I read as the only thing we get are snapshots into our worlds, no matter how open and honest of a blogger you may be. And in your case, you know you can be a wee bit cryptic at times! :) So… yeah.

    I guess that’s all. And I really hope you get what I’m TRYING to say here. Brain. Is. Fried.

    *BIG HUGS!* from Colorado! :)
    Ambers last blog post..Princepessa On: Marriage

  9. Cathy Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 5:37 am

    I believe it is the people who are the strongest inside who are the very ones who are highly intuitive, and most likely to question the things in life that are not fair. Who are also the ones who end up being hurt by the insensitivity of others.

    I hear you, I’m the same way and our bullshit radar is very finely tuned, sometimes it would easier if it wasn’t!

    The hardest thing in life I’m finding out is to be able to find the hope and joy and keep it no matter what happens. It’s not an easy road that’s for sure.

    Cathys last blog post..Mid life crisis

  10. Karen Sugarpants Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 6:22 am

    What Avi said. I see you as a strong woman with a warm heart. You have so many lovely qualities, it saddens me to think someone is/was hurting you in some way. Maybe you need to just tell them what you said up there about deserving better?

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..So um…do you want to see the dress?

  11. suze Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 6:53 am

    Sometimes, with some people, you can give and give and give and until you actually stand up and say ‘enough’ it won’t get better.

    The intuition always knows.

    suzes last blog post..ms jackson, if you’re nasty…

  12. Hilly Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 8:26 am

    Adam: Why thank you. I am glad to see that my “don’t fuck with me” vibe is still intact! :grr:

    Monty: I thank you for both things you said. Now get on over here and give us a smooch.

    Dave: I get what you’re saying too. Some days I feel like I have to create my hope out of crumbs of nothingness.

    SJ: I’m not sure that I am intentionally being taken advantage of, which makes it even harder for me to stay strong and angry and blah blah. ;)

    Diana: You are so right about the trust part in all of this. I think that I tend to let people in too quickly then get surprised when they aren’t all they seem. Silly me!

    Sarah: That was beautiful…the thing about some days hoping harder than others.

    Scott: And what you don’t want me to say next is, “I know, but….” ;)

    Amber: Long or not, your comment really touched me and made me remember some aspects of my personality I had forgotten. So, thank you.

    Cathy: You always hit my nail on the head! Getting hurt by the insensitivity of others seems to be a pattern with me. Do I expect too much? Do I at least expect consistency? Things to look at for sure.

    Karen: When I open my mouth to say it, the words don’t fully come out. I know you are right and that one day they will.

    Suze: It does know. Seriously though, why does it have to be housed in my gut? ;)

  13. Foo Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 8:44 am

    We are all blessed with some form of intuition, it’s what we do with it that changes from person to person. I know I am nearly 100% right with my thoughts, no matter how much hope I have or how much others try to promise, sugar coat, etc. Believe your gut and don’t waste time letting others try to convince you otherwise. Harsh? yes…but it seems at least for me, my instincts usually come to fruition, so it cuts out all the garbage leading up to the moment of truth when I realize - Yes…I was indeed right, again.

    Foos last blog post..Reader Requests…

  14. katie schwartz Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 9:59 am

    Hilly, this is a beautiful post. I really hear where you’re coming from. I’m so happy you wrote it, though I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I’m glad you trust your instincts!

    katie schwartzs last blog post..Last Day to Vote on TravelingManRick’s Essay!

  15. Lisa Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Hilly, you are an extremely strong woman and I absolutely agree with Adam…you are not someone to fuck with. I don’t ever see you as someone’s doormat either. I’m not sure what your situation is but I’m sure that you will sort it out, as always, AND land on top.

  16. Stacey Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    You choose to trust others and sometimes you get hurt. I don’t see trusting others as a sign of weakness. I think it actually takes great strength because there is always that chance that things will turn out badly. Personally, I’d rather be too trusting (and learn to cope with the bumps and bruises) than to close myself off and not trust enough.

  17. Sybil Law Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    I definitely tend to go by my intuition. When I don’t, I end up getting screwed. It took me years to figure that out. I’d rather be wrong about what I thought of someone and find out later, than screwed. Which isn’t being mean or bitchy - just, some people, I don’t want too close to me, you know?
    Wait now I am all confused.
    :crazy: < me.
    You? Will be fine.

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Half Naked Thursday

  18. whall Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    Seriously, I need to stop speedreading.

    First time through, all I got was

    When it comes [...] chewing [...] head [...] way deep [...] gutting me [...] making [...] out [...] taint [...] raging [...] screams [...] a few more inches [...] in and out.

    Second time through, though, I think I got it.

    This was an Obama commercial, right?

    whalls last blog post..VLOG Episode #9: Wayne’s 3-minute DITL

  19. Selma Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    Hope does frequently seem out of our grasp. I guess we just have to keep reaching for it. I think kindness actually is a sign of strength rather than weakness. It takes courage to be kind as so many people are suspicious of kindness. I’m sure you’ll fix everything. Take care.

    Selmas last blog post..When Your First Love Is Your Last

  20. adena Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    Sorry, sweetie. I’m going through some stuff too. We should talk.

    adenas last blog post..Adena, A Retrospective…

  21. jp Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 6:12 am

    I often wonder if people mistake my kindness and understanding as weakness……..

    Wow, that sentence hit my right upside the head!

    I’m afraid that applies to me also!

    bummer…….

    jp

  22. Winter Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 7:16 am

    Rather than say I’m a Pollyanna, which I clearly am not, I like to say that I’m a boomerang. When I get depressed or down or feel despair… it never lasts. Like a boomerang hope and good humor always return. So the old adage of hope springing eternal truly is correct for many of us, no matter how hard we struggle to reconcile everything inside us. You’re an intrinsically good person. Hope will never die for you.

    Winters last blog post..Smut Writer

  23. Poppy Says:
    September 9th, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    What Adam said. The first time I saw you walk through his hotel suite door I knew you were a woman who should not be crossed. It’s in your aura. NOT to be confused with “I am not approachable.” You are completely approachable, but if anyone dares to take you for a fool they will be the fool in the end.

    Ok, seriously, put the laptop down, Poppy. Bedtime.

    Poppys last blog post..And now, an update

  24. Gina Says:
    September 12th, 2008 at 8:19 am

    I find myself in a difficult dichotomy of hope beyond belief and tremendous trust issues. I feel sometimes as if I wish that I could simply stop believing in someone or something better out there somewhere (because it often results in my own pain). My trust issues, based on the past’s pain, harm my current relationships (friendships and otherwise). This is one reason I will be seeking out therapy, actually. To get past this dichotomy finally.

    Always here if you need to vent. :)
    Ginas last blog post..Tuesday Tee #5

Leave a Reply