September 1st, 2008

It Could Swallow Her Whole Star Intact…

I try really hard to live my life as this bright shining star.  Even when the chips are down and I feel as if my whole world is collapsing, I like to find that silver lining and find a way to turn that misery into something that one day will become positive.  It’s not as if I have this crazy psychotic need to *not* allow myself negative emotions of any variation; I think I’ve displayed that time and time again.  It’s just that, well…this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.  I think it has something to do with the fact that even though I often come across as snarky or jaded, I’m actually a little bit of a Pollyanna based optimist who thrives on the hope of a better day.  A better moment.  A better me.

The one area where I fail greatly at this is letting other people have too much power over me and subsequently, my emotions.  I’m not going to sit here and whine like a baby when I tell you that when certain people hurt me, it cuts so deep that I have no idea what to feel.  This weekend I’ve gone between confusion, anger and being extremely hurt but I’ve not said a thing to the person who is making me feel this way.  Did you catch that? I just did it.  Apparently, someone is making me feel this way and I’m not taking the responsibility needed to stop that from happening.  People don’t have power over us…we let them.

It’s so hard for me to find the fine line between caring about someone so much versus letting their actions or non-actions affect every little part of my soul, so much so that I cry for an hour wondering what the hell I did wrong.  Chances are, that in many cases, it’s not me…it’s them.  I’ve never really recognized this codependency issue inside of me until now.  Funny thing is, a good friend of mine who I won’t link in case he doesn’t want himself exposed, pointed this out to me about a month ago.  I think that I ignored him because I didn’t want to fix yet one more thing about myself.

I’ve come to a very fast conclusion that the last year of my life had left me feeling “less than”…maybe because certain situations warranted that emotion, maybe because of the weight I had gained due to those circumstances, or maybe it’s just that I allowed myself more moments of weakness than I had in a very long time.  Whatever the case may be, it needs to stop.  I’ve taken the reigns on my life, taken back my body by doing this whole South Beach/exercise thing and really loving how I feel, taken back my shattered heart and started gluing it back together and most importantly, have decided that I’m worth it.  Wait, wasn’t that a commercial or something?  Ha.

So the thing is…nobody puts Baby in a corner.  And if they do?  Baby needs to get her fat ass *out* of that corner and realize that’s just not where she belongs. Sometimes it is just that simple.

Labor Day Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Redefining Hilly | Comments (24)

24 Responses to “It Could Swallow Her Whole Star Intact…”

  1. Cathy Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 6:08 am

    Been reading your blog for a few months and felt the need to comment today. They say people can only hurt you if you let them but it wouldn’t be human nature if we didn’t feel hurt when someone stomps on us.

    You’re right though, in order to have any chance of happiness in life, we have to take that power away and rid ourselves of the toxic people that circle us.

    Some people are like sharks, they cruise around looking for weak spots and when they find them, they hone in on us and go for the jugular.

    Hope everything works ok for you! :hug:
    Cathys last blog post..Shopping and tantrums

  2. Lisa Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 6:22 am

    The fact that you’ve done so much self-reflection is amazing to me. Most people can’t even look at themselves to begin with. You are way above the bar. You amaze me with your ability to continuously pick yourself up when down or to keep yourself up when life seems to want to pull you down. You really inspire me…

  3. Avitable Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 6:41 am

    I hope you’re able to take that power away from him.

    Avitables last blog post..You lazy fuckers should be at work.

  4. Penelope Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 7:17 am

    I loved that last paragraph. You have an uncanny knack of hitting the nail square on the head. ;)
    Penelopes last blog post..Boys and their toys.

  5. Selma Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 7:41 am

    Take back that power, dear Hilly. You are definitely worth it.

    Selmas last blog post..It Might As Well Be Spring

  6. Hilly Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 8:25 am

    Cathy: Thanks for commenting today! I actually agree with what you said about it being natural to feel hurt when someone stomps on us. I tend to think it’s not *always* my duty to just get over it and vanish the asshat into the ether. This situation, which I am trying not to be too gossipy about, is one that really is probably me making a mountain out of a molehill by letting someone who is oblivious to my feelings rule them. And the sharks? I’m gonna get all Brody on their asses. :ninja:

    Lisa: Geez, *you* inspire me! I think that the only way to get anywhere in life is to look at those things about ourselves that we don’t like and eventually try to fix them. Otherwise, how can we be happy really?

    Avitable: Oh yeah, yanno…after I wrote this a lot of that internal frustration seemed to dissipate. Blogging = catharsis. Although now I’m just plain pissed, haha.

    Penelope: Better to hit nails on the head than hit people on the head. I mean…er, thank you.

    Selma: Thank you, missy. I am owning my shit today!

  7. Ginger Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 8:27 am

    *slow clap* :clap:

    I can SO relate to this post, and I applaud you on your ability to find that inner strength!!!

    :hug:
    Gingers last blog post..Come One, Come All: Blogger Meet-up 9/20!

  8. Sybil Law Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 9:26 am

    Sometimes, too, people don’t even KNOW they’ve hurt us, and they never will until we tell them.
    Take it.
    :clap:
    Sybil Laws last blog post..Big Bang

  9. Poppy Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 9:29 am

    BLUNT comment coming up.

    When someone isn’t beating you or raping you or calling you a “fucking cunt idiot slutbag whore useless piece of shit” (or something similar) everyday it’s easy to allow someone’s emotional abuse/control or neglect to slide, to justify it, to be mad about it but then make less of it after the heated moment has passed.

    Don’t wait another day. The power is with you already, you just need to see it and use it. There’s nothing to take back, it’s in your possession right now. Just open your eyes and your heart to your own happiness, dare to live the life you know you are meant to live.

    Poppys last blog post..proud mama

  10. Sarah Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 10:29 am

    At least you realize it now. That is always a good thing.

    I know how you feel though. A close friend of mine and I aren’t even friends really anymore and I still check her myspace blog to see what she’s saying about me and then all frazzled when she says stuff. Her point of view is so skewed against me that I shouldn’t let it get to me because she is always going to say I’m a bad person so she doesn’t have to take responsibility. But I still do.

    But I’m working on it.

    That’s a lot more winded than I thought it’d be.

    Sarahs last blog post..Feel the Teal

  11. Foo Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    Too much power definitely makes you lose yourself…glad you are making changes for you and feeling good about things already.

    Foos last blog post..Kitchen wrap up…

  12. SJ Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    I am the last person to give advice on standing up for yourself, but good for you for recognizing the need to do so. I hope it goes well for you. Confrontation is never easy.

    SJs last blog post..In praise of memes

  13. John Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Happy Labor Day Hil. As always, good thoughts your way. : )

    Johns last blog post..Los Angeles, Virginia

  14. Nat Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    I know I struggled with this too. A lot.

    Hugs.

    Nats last blog post..Where the knives lie crossed and waiting

  15. suze Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 8:11 pm

    I would echo Cathy’s comment, but she’s already said it so well…

    You are more powerful than you know dear Hilly…own it.

    suzes last blog post..that was when i ruled the world…

  16. jester Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    Playing devil’s advocate - people aren’t psychic and are often oblivious to the fact they have done something wrong.

    You can’t fault people for mistakes they don’t know they have made.

    jesters last blog post..Call the Police

  17. othurme Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    Playing Devil - No one speaks on my behalf. That’s all.

    othurmes last blog post..What’s In The Icebox?

  18. Laurie Says:
    September 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 am

    I found your post most heart felt and so true for so many people, that are or have gone through something similar.

    I use to allow people to walk all over me to the point of making me miserable and then when I would finally have a enough, I would go off big time and usually it was at the wrong person.

    Like Cathy said some people are just like sharks. There are people out there that are miserable and want you to be just as miserable as they are or they have low self esteem and feel better when they are able to walk all over someone else or put them down.

    Lauries last blog post..Tattoo Removal On The Rise

  19. hello haha narf Says:
    September 2nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    oh, what poppy said! and also what jester said.

    but really, really what poppy said.

    love to yew.
    :pph:
    hello haha narfs last blog post..My Desire, Through Someone Else’s Eyes

  20. ame i. Says:
    September 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    :clap:
    Standing ovation! If anyone could have said that better, I’d be very surprised.

  21. floating princess Says:
    September 2nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    This post speaks to me because I’ve recently gone through something like this with a very close member of my family. There has been a long history of this person hurting my feelings over one thing over another and I finally called her on it. I made it about the situation, not about her, and told her that I didn’t like what happened. She turned it around and attacked my character and made it all about me. We haven’t spoken in months and it’s been very hard, but I know that it’s best this way.

    It was my first real attempt at not letting the people around me get away with walking all over me and it was kind of traumatic, but definitely a learning experience. I learned that people don’t like it when you step out of your expected roles - it shakes them up and makes them question themselves. But that’s their problem, not ours!

  22. CP Says:
    September 3rd, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    My favorite quote from Eleanor Roosevelt is “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

    Take away that permission, girlfriend. It’s not worth it. It never is.

    CPs last blog post..Esther saves the world…

  23. that gypsy girl Says:
    September 3rd, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    Your post motivates me, Hilly…. :ninja:
    I FUCKING HATE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW!!! I’m pretty sure she IS satan’s daughter! Our whole family is miserable when she is around. And while I would never tell her that, for fear that she would get her daddy to banish me to the hottest part of hell…I feel better for telling you today. And you know what? Actually, I will tell her Hilly. Just as soon as we make that 10 hour move after Christmas. I will call or email her and let her have it…
    Keep your chin up, girl…they can’t eat us… :hug:
    that gypsy girls last blog post..My New Favorite Picture…

  24. Winter Says:
    September 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    Good for you. You choose your attitude and how you’re going to feel about what others do. Everyone is gonna do it to you, if you let them. You gotta decide who is in control. It’s okay once in awhile to let go of the reins and let the emotions overflow. You need an outlet sometimes. Everyone does and tears are cathartic. However you just don’t need to let those emotions push-pull you through life. At some point, your head needs to take control. There’s nothing wrong with letting it.

    Winters last blog post..Menage a Meh

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