September 29th, 2008

Maybe One Day She’ll Be Her Own…

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about self-esteem versus insecurity and how they don’t always go hand in hand even though one would think so.  I think it centers around the fact that I feel really good about myself right now…sticking to my diet, exercising a lot more, and actually losing weight.  What amazes me is that I’m still pretty damned fat and will be until I take off an even more substantial amount of weight yet at the same time, I honestly like who I am.  Do I have insecurities?  Yes.  Do I have low self-esteem?  No.  For me, it’s all in how I treat myself.  People with low self-esteem tend to not only treat themselves poorly yet also let others treat them the same way.

While all of these thoughts were swirling around my head, I read this post by Suze (about someone in her past, not her wonderful husband) and it opened up a memory that I’d somehow forgotten…an important one.  This is the memory of the day I traded myself in for a new model and the day that I learned that no one should dictate how much I do or don’t love myself.

It was a dark, warm summer night as Troy and I walked through downtown Sacramento, beer in hand.  We’d left a party and sauntered in and out of a few bars before deciding to go back.  He was beautiful and I’d had a crush on him since the day he walked into our hospital and joined our team working in the psychiatric ward.  He had such a way with the patients and such a way with me.  If he asked me nicely, I’d pretty much do what he wanted.  I never noticed his hold over me until much later.  Anyway, I’d been hitting on him all night even though that never got me anywhere.  He thought of me as strictly a friend, yet being a young girl with not a lot of experience with real love, I was convinced that there were signs.  You know how we women can see signs of mutual affection even when there are none?  Yeah, that.

On this night, he seemed more affectionate than usual though.  I saw a hint of flirtation in his eyes and caught a bit of lust in his smile.  My stomach had a million tiny butterflies dancing around inside as he leaned me against a wall and kissed me.  After several minutes, we came up for air and I asked, “Wow, what brought that on?”.

And he said to me, “I’ve never really been attracted to bigger girls but the more I drank the better you looked so I figured tonight I’d give you your chance.  You know, while I’ve got my booze goggles on”.

He winked at me as if he were kidding, but he wasn’t.

In that instant, I knew that he didn’t really have any feelings for me, nor did he find me attractive.  Part of me wanted so desperately to believe the wink that when he started to kiss me again, I went back for more.  But then, *I* pulled away.  Something inside my brain snapped and I walked away from him, tears streaming down my face, telling him to fuck off or some other random obscenity.  As I almost sprinted to the Light Rail to make my way home, the tears turned into sobs and suddenly the further I ran away from him and the harder I cried, I felt lighter.  A heaviness had lifted from my heart and my self-loathing and low-self esteem flashed before me

Within the next few months, I finally figured out that I deserved more out of life.  I finally understood what it was like to walk with my head held high, no matter how chubby I was.  My insecurities and imperfections still glared at me and yet, I kept acting as if I deserved more.  I walked around with my head high and swung that ass like it was the cutest ass in the world.  I pretended to like myself until I did.  I pretended to be sexy until I was.

One day, about a year later, a guy named Brian walked into my life.  When we started dating, he told me how he’d been attracted to me since the first day *I* walked into his workplace, full of smiles and larger than life.  “The first thing I noticed about you is your confidence“, he said.  “You walk around like you command the room, yet always make others feel as if you are warm and approachable”.

Yes indeed, that’s when it all turned around.  That’s when I started to become “more than”.  It also was the beginning of another story for another day…how the new Hilly came to be.

Flashback Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Insecurities, In The Past | Comments (31)

31 Responses to “Maybe One Day She’ll Be Her Own…”

  1. Lucy Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Okay, #1 - you are sexy as hell. If I batted for the other team my dear, I’d be all over you like a stalker you can’t get rid of. :rock

    #2 - I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ve struggled my whole life with my self esteem (and I’m not exactly going to get into why and what damaged me here in your comments). I’ve had guys say things to me similar to what Troy said to you, but I finally got old enough (emotionally) to realize that I am FABULOUS no matter what. Now (unlike 15 years ago) if I am trying to lose weight, it is because **I** want to for **me**, not because I feel like I have to do so to fit in.

    I personally think you are super fabulous Hil. Totally.

    I’d do you. :devil:
    Lucys last blog post..Snackie Sunday - On Monday….

  2. Gina Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    What a sh*thead that Troy was! Figures he has the name of one of my exes who was less than awesome too. ;)

    It’s pretty great that guys like Brian exist though.

    I am proud of you for finding your peace and confidence, Girl.

    Ginas last blog post..Giving props where props are due.

  3. DutchBitch Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    Wow, a post very much worth reading at 5.30 a.m. (which is it around here) and very much like my own story of a few years ago. Respect! :rock

    DutchBitchs last blog post..Friendship

  4. Avitable Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    Wow. I hope a piranha bit off Troy’s dick.

    Avitables last blog post..Creepy Craigslist Crawlers

  5. Ginger Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    Wow, I have a story very similar to yours and Lucy’s. I don’t know if I can say that I honestly *never* struggle with low self-esteem, though. It’s something that I still have to work on, even at age 41. ugh.

    I just want to say once again how very glad I am that I found your blog and how inspiring you truly are. I wish you nothing but continued success and happiness.

    Gingers last blog post..Melancholy Monday: Sure Could Use A Little Good News - Anne Murray

  6. suze Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 9:09 pm

    Silly, narrow-minded fools, the lot of them…

    suzes last blog post..it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss…

  7. SJ Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 10:22 pm

    When I grow up inside, I want to be just like you - strong, confident, sexy. All those things I’ve never felt.

    SJ’s last blog post … Hitting the Big 3-0

  8. hello haha narf Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    you rock my socks off, hilly.
    thanks for sharing with us.
    :pph:
    hello haha narfs last blog post..Monday Night

  9. Melanie Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 2:49 am

    Damn. I can’t believe that guy. What a complete and utter fool.
    And hell yes on the confidence and self-love. I find that so very attractive in anyone I meet. It’s awesome that his ridiculous, asinine, callous stupidity brought you that epiphany.
    (Also, thumbs up on the Tori Amos reference. :))

    Melanies last blog post..…And Much Fun Was Had By All

  10. Blondefabulous Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 4:02 am

    Troy and his beer goggles should rot in skinny, self-obsessed, shallow girl hell!

    Blondefabulouss last blog post..Why I Love TV More Than Real Life!

  11. Nat Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 4:50 am

    It never ceases to amaze me what people will try. I think most of us have stories like that (like the guy who told me I had great curves for a girl my size — a size 12 might I add.) Fucker,

    Nats last blog post..Rattles and wind-up toys

  12. Jules Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 5:19 am

    What an awesome post.

    What a douchebag Troy was.

    Juless last blog post..Palin’s Foreign Policy

  13. Miss Britt Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 6:01 am

    I wonder how many girls didn’t (or wouldn’t) walk away from Troy that night.

    Good for you!!!

    Miss Britts last blog post..Debating: Road Trips and Medical Ethics

  14. Lucy Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 6:30 am

    Far too many Britt. FAR too many.

    Lucys last blog post..Snackie Sunday - On Monday….

  15. Lisa Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 6:51 am

    I had the same thought Britt had. Thank God you are who you are and you walked away from such a jerk.

    You are a force to be reckoned with Miss Hilly!

    The fact is that you are sexy, confident and gorgeous no matter what size you are! And I think that comes from this confidence that pours out of you.

    At least that how I felt when I met you!

  16. Karen Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 7:00 am

    What a total dick that guy was! At least he taught to you be prouder of yourself.

    Karens last blog post..Fluff Day.

  17. Nilsa Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 7:44 am

    This is a really powerful post. Awesome and really amazing. Thanks for sharing!

    Nilsas last blog post..Cake

  18. Hilly Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 9:40 am

    Lucy: I’d take you as my stalker any day! Also, I am sorry that you’ve had the same happen to you.

    Gina: It’s always when I am convinced that men are all wonderful that I remember that day. Hey, at least now we can appreciate the good ones.

    Dutch: Ooooh, now I feel honored! I know exactly what you mean about reading posts at 5:30 am! :jinkies:

    Avitable: I don’t know about that but from what I hear, he’s not that lucky in love.

    Ginger: First of all, thank you. Secondly, I won’t lie and say I *never* struggle with it. However, those are the days that I go back to my mantra of pretending to like myself and to be sexy until I really am again.

    Suze: I know, right?

    Suzi: I am guessing that your recent 30 pound weight loss and continued success will open the door for a lot of those things if it hasn’t started already.

    Narfy: Just your socks? What if I want to rock OTHER things off? ;)

    Melanie: Sometimes Tori is the only way to go!

    Blondfabulous: I mentioned this a bit earlier but his life has been somewhat of a hell. 39 years old and on marriage number three…

    Nat: It’s almost as if …wait no, I am pretty sure these people seek out the girls with no confidence and/or are too ignorant to realize that big girls love themselves too. As if they are doing someone a favor? Pffft.

    Jules: Thank you and yes, yes he was….is?

    Britt: I am guessing many. For me to walk away that night, it took getting there. That means that I’d ignored many things like that in the past.

    Lisa: You are making me blush. Stop! No wait…go on. :wub:

    Karen: I’ve learned the best lessons about myself by dealing with ass douches.

    Nilsa: You are welcome and thank you for the kind words!

  19. heartache heartburn Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 9:43 am

    Nice! I am so glad you walked away that night. The first step to healing. Thanks for sharing your story!

    heartache heartburns last blog post..Ok…enough

  20. Sybil Law Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    And yet, some part of you knew, even then, that you deserved better than THAT douchebag. So your esteem was just peeking it’s head around the corner, waiting to be let out!
    I’ve dealt with some shit from guys before, too. It’s unbelievable, looking back now, some of the shit I put up with!
    Anyway, in a roundabout way, you can thank that loser for teaching you a good lesson - and for doing you a favor by exposing his true, rotten colors, too!
    You’re awesome. Right now.

    Sybil Laws last blog post..Lovey Munsters

  21. diane Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Forgive me if I’m about to double comment…something wonky happened when I hit submit…
    My last ex caused me to take 6 months off dating to get my head on straight. It might have been around the time he told me I should get liposuction like his mom did. :crazy:
    Or maybe it was when he said I could, and should run a marathon. Which, trust me, was a backhanded compliment.
    Fucker. I’ve run into him since I lost 25 lbs and he says I look awesome. I want to say, and this is in SPITE of you, most assuredly not FOR you!

  22. Diane Mandy Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Troy = dickhead

    You. Are. Fabulous.

    I’m glad to read you get that.

    Diane Mandys last blog post..Exclusive!!! Sarah Palin Debate Preparations

  23. Crys Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    it still shocks me to learn that there are Troys in the world. that is just so terribly fucked up. but you know what? Karma is a bitch.

    i can’t wait to hear the Brian story.

    Cryss last blog post..Dirty Who Now?

  24. metalmom Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 4:31 pm

    I think confidence is the sexiest trait for any man or woman. I glad you found yours.

    metalmoms last blog post..What’s the Big Deal?

  25. radioactive tori Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    I love your story. What a jerk he was. Stupid too. You are one of the most beautiful girls (women? It always feels funny when I say woman because to me that sounds old) I have ever met. Seriously. And if he couldn’t see that, then he was just plain crazy. I love that you knew you were better than he deserved and that he shouldn’t and couldn’t treat you that way.

    radioactive toris last blog post..A-E-I-O-U Teddy Bears Hate You Too

  26. floating princess Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    I can’t believe people actually say things like that! Well, I can because I’ve heard similar things but still! How fitting that he’s been so unlucky in love. He’s got some lessons to learn before he gets it right!

    floating princesss last blog post..A Good Day

  27. Selma Says:
    September 30th, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    I am so glad you did that. It took a lot of courage. I’ve been in similar situations where the guy told me what I wanted to hear even though I knew in my heart he didn’t mean it and was saying it just to get his leg over. It hurt at the time. I hated myself afterwards and was angry for falling for it. You are one special lady for having the gumption to walk away.

    Selmas last blog post..Wall Street Bailout

  28. sue Says:
    October 1st, 2008 at 8:51 am

    Oh, such an excellent post. I can relate in so many ways. Thanks for once more opening my mind, Hilly.

    sues last blog post..Eh

  29. Atomic Bombshell Says:
    October 3rd, 2008 at 9:10 am

    Cool story! :)
    Atomic Bombshells last blog post..Smile Makers

  30. kilax Says:
    October 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    What an ass. But what an affect he had. I’m so happy you came out of it, and that you love who you are. Because size doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t love someone based on that. I’ve learned that, in my family :)
    kilaxs last blog post..Friday Question #40

  31. Winter Says:
    October 4th, 2008 at 10:31 am

    I know that walk! You really do have a very confident walk. That everywhere you go… there you are… walk. I admire the hell out of it.

    Winters last blog post..Recap

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