October 24th, 2008
Before I tell you my little story, I want to jump right onto the caveat boat (of course). I am not telling this story because I want false compliments or because I want anyone to say “poor baby”, even sarcastically. Nay nay, the only reason I mention it is because it is fact and leads to the rest of my entry, blah blah blah.
So anyway, last weekend when we were all sitting around the table at dinner in San Francisco, all of the guys who had met Foo before were flabbergasted by her weight loss. There were a lot of compliments thrown around about how much fabulously thinner she looks and how much she has changed since they all last saw her. I thought it was it great that people noticed and was really happy for her! So I then turned to Jester and said, “Geez, I’ve lost 27 pounds and no one notices ANYTHING!”. He looked at me for a moment with his head cocked sideways until I jokingly said, “Don’t strain yourself”. I then also explained to him that the reality of the situation was that all the weight I had recently lost was weight put *on* since the last time I hung out with everyone so of course no one would notice it. At that moment, a little piece inside of me (who I am sure is a mixture of the little girl and the needy bitch) truly was saddened that no one could notice…but not for reasons one might think. I had a fleeting moment of wishing I had not let myself get so fat because if I hadn’t, my weight loss would mean something and people could see and know that I really am trying *and* succeeding this time. Of course, I then downed half of a lemon drop and somehow that wistfulness escaped rather quickly.
I had really forgot about that conversation as well as those feelings until this morning after I stepped on the scale. I’d had a huge goal in mind this morning…if I could only lose two pounds then I would at least be right back where I was when I’d seen everyone at TequilaCon or DaveLA. Yes, in case you missed the memo, I gained 30 pounds since last May. I’m not proud of it and I think you all know the reasons *for* it but there it is…the raw, cold truth. In any case, back to having my eye on the prize, if you will…so I knew that if I reached a certain weight today, that finally from this point forward people would start to notice it and start to believe in me, blah blah. Yes, I know this is a crazy notion NOW but hey, it was 6:30 am and shit. As usual, I took off my nightie, stepped barefoot and naked onto the scale, closed my eyes and waited for the beep (electric scale, you know). As I looked down I was thrilled! I’d lost 2.4 pounds and made my first mini-goal in this new weight loss endeavor…and besides all of that, I realized that my total loss since the end of August? 30.4 pounds! What? Wow.
At that moment, in a instant, my whole outlook on the who and why and what and everything else cold flipped upside down. So people aren’t going to notice right away. So. the. fuck. what? The most important person, the only one that really needs to notice the changes happening to my body? That’s me! The super odd thing is…when I started getting really excited about everything I’ve accomplished in the last few months, every proud moment was about my health. Sure, my jeans are looser and my rolls are down by one but when it comes down to it, I feel so much better. I’m full of energy, I run up and down the stairs in my house, I’m grossed out by fatty foods and am actually craving healthy stuff (huh?), and most importantly…when I lay my head down at night, I really like who I am in this arena. I feel like I’m accomplishing a goal that I set out to a long time ago…learning how to live and eat for health’s sake.
I can’t even begin to tell you how thrilled I am at just the smallest of changes. For instance, all day today, I’ve been annoyed when I’ve had to slow down to eat. Seriously! Life used to be about planning my days around what food I would eat and now I’m quickly shoving in cubes of lowfat cheese so that I can continue about my business without slowing down. Another huge thing that I’ve noticed about is this…when we used to go out to restaurants with friends and what have you, I always picked the place based on what food they had and was very excited about the food and restaurant itself. These days, it’s all about the company and I don’t care where we eat, as long as I can have a hunk of protein and some veggies.
The greatest thing of all? I feel sexy and cute again, even if I’m still nowhere near having the body that I want. As soon as I started losing weight, I cut my hair in a cute style and actually started wearing makeup again. Believe you me, there was a period there when you would not have recognized me. I think that I hated myself so much for awhile that I just hid behind baggy t-shirts, baseball caps, and a face that really needed some fucking blush! Now it is all about confidence and taking no less than what I deserve. Now it’s about going after things that I thought were impossible before. Now it’s about not feeling “less than” and knowing that yes, I am good enough for whomever or whatever.
Now…it’s about knowing that this South Beach Diet is probably going to save my life.
So what’s next? I have goals! You see, when we first moved to Southern California about four and half years ago, I was a lot thinner than I am now. Nope, I was not rail thin and I’ll probably never *be* rail thin. But..I liked myself and felt comfortable in my skin. In fact, Foo brought up an old picture of me that she liked…she noted that I was looking good, feeling good and that I always rocked that certain weight.
She also asked me how many pounds I had to just get to that weight and I said…wow, only 50. I know that seems like a lot to some of you but really, I can do that easy peasy. So with that said, I’m setting a realistic goal that will not be impossible. I’m not trying to be the skinniest twizzler in the bucket nor am I saying that I’m going to starve myself into a size 2. Nope, all I am trying to do is get back to where I was before I let my misery and surgeries overwhelm me to super sized self haterd and weight gain. And you know what? I can totally do this! I’m happy with my new lifestyle and really, that’s all that matters.
So back to this “saving my life” thing. I’m completely sure that if I had kept going the way I was, I’d have ended up dead way earlier than I am supposed to. It could have been something as grandiose as obesity-caused heart failure or something as obscure as an ever gnawing depression that ate me up inside. There’s no way of knowing what horrible things would happen to me if I didn’t get with the program. However, there was no way in hell that I could keep guessing. Who I am inside…the outgoing girl who laughs easily and loves just as much…she didn’t match her outer shell. Hell, I’m not sure that she matches her outer shell *now* but that’s okay, because she’s working on it.
Determined To Be Something Spectacular Kisses,
Me
P.S…I’m well aware that my grammar and syntax are off the mark tonight but I really don’t care for once.
33 Responses to “Be Bold, Be Bold, Always Be Bold…”
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Hilly Says...
October 24th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
You look gorgeous in that photo.
But, really, you always look gorgeous in my eyes.
(I know, I’m a dork.)
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October 24th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I am so proud of you Hilly! And a lot of people are going to say this… but I can understand a lot of those feelings. I gained… 45 pounds in about 8 months. I am now down to my “before the weight gain” weight too! And it feels great. It feels great to be here, and have the right mindset and actually WANT to be healthy for once.
I’m so happy for you! Keep rockin’ that sexy bod!
kilaxs last blog post..Friday Question #43
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October 24th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Way to go on getting that much closer to your goal! That’s so awesome.
I can’t wait until this semester is over or slows down so I can get back into the gym. I currently hate that I can’t fit into my clothes.
But yay you!
Sarahs last blog post..Deep in the belly of the whale I found her.
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October 24th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Totally not sucking up but your face looks much slimmer compared to some the video blog post we’ve seen…
It was to be for health and sanity not for vanity — well done on the 30 pounds… look forward to reading about the next 30.
Nats last blog post..A walk to the park…
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October 24th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I, too, always take my nightie off before I weigh. (And then I go to the little boy’s room and weigh again. Just because.)
delmers last blog post..So. I went on a date tonight.
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October 25th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I’m proud of you, Hilly!
Not only because of the success you’re achieving with the weight loss… but because you are truly loving yourself. You’re working at all of this so hard.
It’s inspiring and your attitude is not only encouraging, but it makes me thankful all over again for finally becoming a faithful follower on your blog.
Keep on going - you truly are an inspiration and these entries? Always serve to help me out, too!
Ambers last blog post..Side Order of Family Drama, Anyone?
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October 25th, 2008 at 4:26 am
OK, most annoying comment cliche ever, but
I SO GET THIS!!!
It took a long time for people to notice when I was losing weight when I first started dieting after Emma.
And even now, I’ll lose weight and no one notices - because it’s just getting back to where I was before I gained more weight.
It’s so much easier to stay motivated when you’re in the “black” on the weight loss side.
GO, HILLY, GO!!!
Miss Britts last blog post..Why you should probably not invite me to your Passion Party
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October 25th, 2008 at 5:02 am
Awesome job! It takes a LOT of dedication to come as far as you have already, and you already know that. I have 30 lbs on my goal - yet I can’t even do that.
I’m glad that YOU are feeling good in your own skin.
Double Agent Girls last blog post..Reality Bites - or - Why I’m More Interesting Online…
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October 25th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Poppy: Thank you so much. You are always very complimentary!
Kim: Congratulations to YOU for breaking through that point as well…we are going to rock it together, k?
Sarah: That is the worst feeling, isn’t it? Looking in the the abyss that is our closets, knowing nothing will fit right. Bleh, hope you get past it.
Nat: Awwww, thanks. And….I don’t think you are sucking up at all. 1.) You DON’T like the ass kissing position and 2.) You said that to me last week too!
Delmer: Wait, what color is YOUR nightie? Mine is black, or yanno…it was that day. Today it is pink pajama bottoms!
Amber: Well I am glad that you found me as well…you are always so damned nice!
Britt: Hahaha, you and I and our fear of being totally cliche! But yes, back in black is the place to be. Oh great, now AC/DC is stuck in my head.
Double Agent: Thank you very much. I was telling a friend of mine that we all CAN do it, it is just a matter of when. Hell, it took me 36 years to really start caring and stuff.
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October 25th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Watch out VANNA WHITE! You can replace that skeleton on wheel of fortune!
mrsmoguls last blog post..Mogul Baby love
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October 25th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I just left a comment up at Kilax’s the other day about the fact I was peeved that it took my doctor so long to notice I’d lost a bunch of weight. But when he called the other day with blood test results and said I was, “Healthy, so very healthy” it put things in perspective.
You can totally do this, because you’ve got your head in the right place. Go Hilly! We’re all so proud of you!
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October 25th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I think you’re absolutely beautiful.
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October 25th, 2008 at 9:33 am
You can do this!
You’re gorgeous. Really.
Have a great Saturday!!!!
Sybil Laws last blog post..A Post!
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October 25th, 2008 at 9:40 am
You already are something spectacular!
floating princesss last blog post..It’s Better to Burn Out Than to Fade Away
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October 25th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I hope you know how incredibly inspiring you are.
*pixie*s last blog post..at least we’re on the same wavelength
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October 25th, 2008 at 10:11 am
You’re doing so great and I am so very proud of you! You are an inspiration for me!
Even if you’re shrinking in size, you’ll always have that big beautiful heart.
sam {temptingmama}s last blog post..DreamHost and Me (Read: Why My Blog is a Hot Mess.)
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October 25th, 2008 at 10:12 am
When I was at the beginning stages of my weight loss journey I was so large (287) that it took about 30 pounds for people to start noticing a difference.
I still have about 30 pounds to go to get to my goal weight of 145 and I know that I will make it there eventually.
I also know that with your determination and finally finding a program that works for you, you will probably drop your 50 well before I drop my last 30. And when that happens, I will be jumping up and down, cheering just as much as you are.
Hilly, if anyone deserves to feel like they fit in their own skin, you are that person.
Love ya!!!
Rachels last blog post..She’s Dancing With The Angels
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October 25th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Awesome post, Hil. I’M proud of you! I have never met you in person, but I’ve been following your loss virtually and am very excited for you. I remember when I got “back” to 190, that was a big milestone for me because it represented where I was “before the gain,” and anything after that was “virgin fat territory.” Haha. Anyway. I’m now, once again, trying to re-lose the 15 lbs I”ve regained in the past year, and it sucks — but this gave me some perspective, that all progress is progress, and stopping at 15 lbs (after my own year of personal hell), is a huge step compared to the last time I quit-and-regained, and like you, it truly represents a changed life — you’re annoyed about having to stop living life in order to eat, and I’m sitting here knowing that I can’t wait to go outside and RUN… in the past, I had to force myself to exercise, now it’s the activity I enjoy the most.
And that’s what this is really all about. Health and happiness!
Cheers to the next 30,
~Jess
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October 25th, 2008 at 10:23 am
This post inspired me. I had, in 2007, lost an amazing 130 pounds. I have, in 2008, regained a lot of it.
I want to feel that good again. Thank you.
Stephanies last blog post..Help Wanted.
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October 25th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I think its great that you are willing to share your weight loss journey with the world. So many people get so frustrated so fast when it comes to weight loss. You are showing that its isn’t about dieting, but its about changing your perspectives on food and life. I love how you know focus on who you’re dining with, rather than where you’re eating it! I have 30 pounds to go myself, so I will be struggling and cheering right along with you!
beckys last blog post..Financials, Spreadsheets and MIDAS, oh my!
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October 25th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I’m so proud of you! And so happy that this diet is really changing how you see food and eating.
Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo Lesson: Turn The Camera!
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October 25th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
“Determined to be something spectacular”? I’ll have you know I already think you’re spectacular. And congrats on all the weight loss!
Iron Fists last blog post..salt lake city
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October 25th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
oh hill, i am thrilled for you. absolutely thrilled! congrats on dropping 30. now if you could please tell me how to drop 50 pounds “easy peasy” i would REALLY appreciate it. i mean, my ass broke the fucking internet. hehe
seriously though, i announced that i was going to lose weight and then i packed on ten pounds. wtf?!??!!! (nope, wasn’t muscle weight!)
you are inspiring, m’lady.
hello haha narfs last blog post..Store Open!
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October 25th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
You already are Hilly. You are so, SO pretty. I just don’t think you have any idea.
Johns last blog post..Virtuoso
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October 25th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
You look freakin’ awesome in that picture!
I think it is great that you are being proactive and positive.
I know I can’t fully relate to what happened at the restaurant, but something sort of similar happened to me with my family:
I am an anorexic (as I believe you were aware) and always, surprisingly, got positive response from my father’s side for my weight loss (even at 118 lbs at 5′ 10″) but when I gained weight (up to 158 at my heaviest) and curves (because I was eating and happy) I visited them with my stepmom and stepsister and they went on and on about how great my sis looked with her weight loss and said NOTHING about how I looked, making me feel as if I looked like a cow to them. My anorexic mindset was reinforced by their silence and so I once again was certain I needed to be super skinny to be accepted.
Ginas last blog post..National Healthcare Now.
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October 26th, 2008 at 6:26 am
Good on you, Hilly. That is a really vibrant photo of you. You look vivacious and happy. Well done!
Selmas last blog post..The Old Fisherman’s Ghost
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October 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Iron Fist and John said exactly what I was thinking at first, so I will leave that part be.
I am really proud of you though. I think it is often forgotten how important the inside of a person is in determining their hotness, but in your case, I think you are beautiful both inside and out no matter what. You really are a beautiful woman.
I am so happy you are doing what you can to make yourself happier and healthier and to make yourself feel good about yourself. The way you feel about yourself affects how you carry yourself and that is the part that makes you hotter when you KNOW how awesome you are.
radioactive toris last blog post..Step Away From the Mixer
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October 26th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Looking forward to the future photo of you laying on the hood of your Hemi. You are so headed in that direction. Woohoo Carrots on your 30!
Foos last blog post..Rawk Stah….
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October 26th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Hillygirl;
I read this post three times and each time I felt more inspired. I’m so proud of you and inspired by you. This is a beautiful post.
Thank you for writing it!
katie schwartzs last blog post..PoliToons and Such
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October 27th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
You are beautiful!
Gingers last blog post..Code Blue!
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October 27th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
It sounds like you flipped the switch to being healthy instead of just wanting to lose weight. Keep up the good work. You look beautiful no matter what the scale says.
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October 27th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
you rock, will power’s a bitch
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November 3rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
So awesome. As someone who’s just started a workout program, I am 100% in support of anyone wanting to get trim and healthy.
That pic with you against the car….. Rrrrrah!! HAWTY ALERT!!
martymankinss last blog post..In The Final Hours
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