January 6th, 2009
I have to be honest about something. Sometimes it devastates me just a little bit inside when people who I thought were more than just acquaintances dump me via Twitter or more importantly just stop reading my blog and/or emailing me. Hrm, wait…maybe “devastates” is too strong of a word but it sure as hell does something to me. And yet, in the interest of full disclosure, it would make me a liar if I did not admit to my own rampant hypocrisy and tell you that sometimes I do the same damned thing.
But here’s the deal…people change and so do their interests and unless we really did call each other good friends, I can see why these things happen. My life has changed so much over the last year that it’s not even funny. In turn, my blogging style has been up, down and all around. There is no consistency here and my personality, while pretty much the same, has shone in some instances and completely looked ugly in others. There are things that I don’t talk about here but not because I am embarrassed or hiding something or pretending that being cryptic is cool. I leave a ton of stuff out to respect and protect other people’s privacy. The truth of the matter is that while you know parts of me, you don’t know me fully.
For those of you who don’t have a scorecard at home, here’s what’s what:
My marriage almost ended. In fact, it pretty much did end however once again, Shawn and I are really trying to make things work and it’s going very well right now. Not perfect but much better. I’ve heard everything from me being divorced to me being happily married and too flirty for someone who is so. Listen up…unless I have someone’s dick in my mouth, there is no cause for anyone to panic. So yes, the last year and a half has been trying.
Hrm, what else? Oh yes, I put the brakes (asked for space actually) on a friendship that I’ve had for almost a decade due to things between me and said person that are private matters. I’ve heard tale of how cold and callous I am for doing so (maybe once or twice), but these statements flew from unknowing mouths. Therefore, I ignore and disregard this kind of babble as I promised myself never to talk about this publicly. Still, it wasn’t easy no matter what anyone thinks.
I gained weight last year and lots of it. It’s not a huge secret to anyone who has met me more than once and yet, I didn’t blog about it here much. I don’t need to continue to talk about my weight going up and down until I actually freaking do something about it and stick to it for more than a month. Right now I am working on it but I don’t talk about it. Right now, it hurts me so badly whenever I work out because I let myself get so out of shape. I push myself through my workouts, crying through the pain almost the whole time while being determined to go a little further each day. I don’t even want to talk about the moments that I wonder how anyone at all finds me any kind of attractive. I don’t want to talk about the fact that sometimes I feel like people are saying nice things to my face but talking about my weight behind my back. Partially because I know it’s untrue and partially because that insanity comes and goes like waves every day.
And…oh, the things that I can’t tell you about! The secrets that I keep for other people and the ones I accidentally let slip….the secrets that I keep for myself and how I wish I could sometimes just scream them from the rooftops…the promises that I intend to keep and the ones I just won’t make. Blah blah blah.
I’m well aware that I tend to isolate when all of these things are going on, and I am also fully aware that I’ve done a ton of that until recently. I think that as my life changes, my writing style changes and so does my core group of readers. People probably don’t want to read about the same stuff over and over again OR they come here for the happy and the fun little words I make up OR they just don’t like who I am right now OR they don’t relate to me anymore. Honestly, what makes them go away? I will never know. Yet at the same time, I realize that if someone walks away from me…the real me? Then who wants them in my life anyway, right? I mean shit, to be disliked for being genuine is better than being liked for not being yourself.
Before anyone asks, this isn’t about anything in particular and there’s not some grand sweeping email chain full of disdain for yours truly. These are thoughts that have been swimming around in my head for a few months now yet I’ve not been able to eloquently articulate them until now. The important thing to remember here is that I’m not posting this to be a martyr or to whine about stupid little things. I’m posting this here to say that I get it. I understand that readers come and go, and leave and grow…just like real life acquaintances, almost like that best friend at work that you never see once you get a new job. I get that some of you are my friends and I get that I’m amusement to others. I get that now and nothing about it makes me stabby. Why? Because I am just the same.
I leave you with this video…it reminds me that hope is always out there and that none of us really are alone in any of this stuff. And also? It’s an offering to the Gods that no one takes this post super peronally (yeah, right).
Introspective (Quick, Call Avitable) Kisses,
Me
50 Responses to “Baby, You’re Not Lost…”
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January 6th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I’m glad that I get see the aspects of you that you choose to share. From the introspection to the calling out of douchebags, I find it all very… inspiring.
Really. Plus hey, Michael Buble… love that song!!
Faiqas last blog post..Anything You Can Know, I Can Know Better.
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January 6th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Know what? I bloggy love you!
Sherendipitys last blog post..Name That Tunesday
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January 6th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I’ve been guilty of the disappearing act before (and I’m really sorry!) but it was only due to crap going on in my life and nothing to do with anyone else.
I know how you feel about gaining weight. I gained a LOT in the last year and I keep thinking that my friends who were so proud of me for losing the weight are shaking their heads at me for gaining it back. And I know that some of them actually are.
I like that you’re so open and genuine.
floating princesss last blog post..Life in Plastic
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I’m calling you out, you fucking stealing bitch. You totally stole that whole post right out of my head, right down to the whole ‘maybe getting a divorce’ thing and the ‘I got fat(ter) this year’ thing.
Maybe that’s why I bloggy-love you and steal koooooky phrases from you. Kindred shit and stuff.
Now, I’m copy/pasting this whole post into my blog and NOT linking back to you.
Wait, no, never mind. I don’t want my family readers to know this stuff is in my head, so I’ll just write it here.
Wait, wait. You already did. Thanks!
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..My Laziness Knows No Bounds
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I’ve said it before but it bears repeating: If someone is not interested in being your blog friend or Twitter friend or any other kind of friend, it’s about them and not you. Just like you not wanting to be someone’s friend is about you, not them.
And even knowing all that (and believing it), it still stings when you get dumped. But maybe you recover faster.
For the record, I like change in a person. When someone stays the same it just means they’re standing still. Boring. And you are anything but boring.
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I think seeing blog and Internet life just as you see “real life” is wise, no matter how much traffic a site may or may not generate. There are the same amount of speedbumps, assholes, and chances to be amazed. Good for you.
justruns last blog post..Tired of things
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I get the pain thing, for sure. I’m so fucking sick right now from carb withdrawal post-holidays. Don’t remember it being this miserable the first time I started MF. And my gym trips are HURTING, like my muscles can’t bear the strain or something. I come home and just want to cocoon myself in a blankie and moan. HATE this stage of the MF adjustment.
I would say, “Why the hell can’t you believe that no one cares about your weight because they love the real you?!?!” But then I would have to change my name to Pot. It’s still true, though.
And Michael Buble, mmmm …
SJs last blog post..Open door, passed by
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I don’t know you well, haven’t known you for long…but from what I read here? You’re figuring it out, and being true to yourself. THAT’S what matters, truly, in the end. Be true to you – your true friends will stick by you (as well as your blogstalkers – lol).
Good luck to you, and much luck with all you’re working on – marriage, weight, life. Much luck!
Tugs last blog post..Lights in the snow
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Readers come and go, and it sucks when you get attached to them. I’ve done it. I’ve never deleted someone out of my life *thus yet*, but I’m sure in time I’ll be faced with that decision.
You can never TRULY know the person behind the blog, unless you know them on a personal basis. You can’t blog about every little thing you do and every thought you have, but you can certainly show timbits of yourself to people, which you do. And you’re awesome. I love reading your posts and talking to you because not only are you awesome but you’re fun
We all go through ups and downs in our lives; and that’s what makes us grow as people.
Sarcasticas last blog post..Well THAT Wasn’t Very Nice
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
I haven’t been around lately… but I have in NO WAY stopped loving you!! xoxox
sam {temptingmama}s last blog post..Full Circle
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January 6th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Frankly, I love seeing the variety…cuz really, one dimension isn’t interesting in blogging or real life. And anyone who thinks they’re getting 100% of anyone online is kind of crazy. We’ve all got those things we’re allowed (and honestly, should) keep off the interwebs.
Gingers last blog post..Who needs resolutions when you’ve got goals?
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
I read your blog because I like where you’re coming from and I feel (I hope) that if we met in real life, we’d have a good laugh!
I know what you mean, though. I went through some bad stuff last year, including a terrible bout of depression, and when I wrote about being stuck in the abyss I lost 200 readers in one day. And they’ve stayed lost. At first I was upset and was cross with myself for writing about such negative stuff, but I figure that’s my life, right? Why pretend it isn’t happening?
There was also the fact that for the 200 readers I lost, I had ten who emailed me personally and told me my story had helped them. As far as I’m concerned that makes it all worth it.
I love you, Hilly. Just as you are.
Selmas last blog post..Hear Ye, Hear Ye
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
if i had socks on, you would have rocked em off. hell, if i had pants on you would have rocked them off as well.
hehe
hilly, i find you inspiring and entertaining and intelligent and all kinds of most excellent things. anyone who leaves is missing out.
hello haha narfs last blog post..Questions? I’ve Got Answers.
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Olive juice.
I regained A LOT of the 130 lbs I lost 2 years ago.
I basically suck.
Now back to your regularly scheduled comments
Hugs to you kiddo.
Stephanies last blog post..Why my stomach hurts.
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
I feel no obligation whatsoever to share every detail about my life that people want to know… and I don’t care if people lose interest and stop reading or following because of it.
Different people have different comfort levels when it comes to sharing, and finding that line is something each of us have to discover on our own. You’ve found your line, and nobody has the right to ask you to move it. If they’re unhappy with that, no big loss.
Dave2s last blog post..Snowplowed
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
just saying hi!
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Hey, I happen to like your personality so much, I’ve subscribed to you. (Midnight Cliff too, I got a new browser and a new year, new perspectives…)
And I don’t care about weight at all. I’m even starting to write a bit myself (Dave’s influence), still trying to find my elusive line that I shouldn’t cross. I guess I’m glad to know that you get it. I hope we can become good friends.
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
I just wanna say how much I adore you…even though I am days and days behind on my blog reading and commenting and writing, blah, blah, blah…
Yeah…life (looking for a job, getting my child setting back into a routine, yadda, yadda, yadda) is getting in the way right now. Regardless, I have found you to be one of the true gems and I absolutely treasure you. Thank you for being a friend. 
Gingers last blog post..Sunday Night Randomness
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January 6th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
you rock… no matter what… I miss you sometimes but also know you’re always there, if that makes any sense
Toris last blog post..I bought http://www.toriblaine.com
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January 6th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Since I’m new here, I have no real opinion as far as you’re concern, but I will say that I’ve lost friends and readers as well, because of various reasons (that I don’t know)and because people’s tastes do change (even if I don’t really think we change that much), but no matter what blogging allows us to say/write WHAT we choose to and HOW we want. I’ll be coming back…
Stinkypaws last blog post..Oh Dear God
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January 6th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
My comment was getting too long and rambly and I’m sure I wasn’t making any sense. So I will just say this.
Hilly I love you and your blog. I love that you always seem to have wonderful advice for me even if you aren’t trying.
I had more but it’d start to get rambly again. Man the meds I’m on are making me like a rambly drunk lady. Geez.
Sarahs last blog post..Before/After
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January 6th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Why would I stop reading? I need my dose of sweet sweet posse….
But I totally understand what you’re saying about being dropped from Twitter. I call it the “Twitter Twinge…”
Robins last blog post..Something to Talk About….
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January 7th, 2009 at 2:57 am
Well, you know… I think that no matter what happens in your life and no matter how you handle things, you do not owe anyone any explanation on things… And people should find better things to do than go around making assumptions about things all the time… If you don’t know for sure what is going on because you were not the incrowd that was officially informed or part of what is happening, it’s none of your business, not even making assumptions…
DutchBitchs last blog post..(Hard) Nipp(l)y weather
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January 7th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Oh my God.
That video made me cry.
Didn’t expect THAT.
(someone has to explain the “call Avitable” thing to me.)
Miss Britts last blog post..How Miss Britt Redecorates Her House And Makes A Dramatic Impact – A Photo Essay
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January 7th, 2009 at 5:46 am
I have to disagree with you here. You are consistently evolving and honest in your blogging style.
Just because people prefer to be stuck in the past doesn’t mean you have to be. Being stuck is their problem, and ultimately their loss.
But don’t mind me.
I’m just here for the dessert.
NYCWDs last blog post..Froot Loops Cereal Straws
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January 7th, 2009 at 6:04 am
A post that’s surprisingly not cryptic (for you), even if it’s chock full of introspective goodness!
I would also be upset if someone I considered to be more than just acquaintances just stopped talking to me.
Avitables last blog post..Hate me
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January 7th, 2009 at 7:17 am
1. I don’t see a video! What song did I miss?
2. I was wondering about you and Shawn, thanks for the update – I didn’t think it was appropriate to email and ask about something like that. I’m glad things are better! xoxxo
And I big bloggy internet heart you, so I’m not going anywhere!!
Princess of the Universes last blog post..I Do Like Some Traditions…Just Not This One…
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January 7th, 2009 at 7:49 am
This really resonated with me today, Hilly. Thank you.
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January 7th, 2009 at 8:22 am
You’re so freaking hot.
Wait, was that supposed to be a secret? I don’ think so!!!!!!
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January 7th, 2009 at 8:40 am
i’m still reading and caring ^__^
/dcc send HUGS.rar
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January 7th, 2009 at 8:47 am
One of the best comments I ever received was from Chris over at Rude Cactus. The gist of it was, that the blog was my own, and that I shouldn’t worry so much about what over people think of it.
I like your little corner of the blogosphere. I think that if we were to meet I would like you as well and we could share a few drinks and some commonalities. The internets is a weird thing, it seems much more transiant. People leave without nicetites.
Be who you are. It’s all we can ask.
Nats last blog post..La vie continue…
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January 7th, 2009 at 9:39 am
My blog read interests are constanly changing depending on what’s going on in my life and what I am needing at that moment. Your blog has been a constant for a while now, though, because of the honesty in your posts. I love those blogs that are way open or way funny but yours is a good combination.
J…s last blog post..All of the dirt that makes us human…
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January 7th, 2009 at 9:43 am
My interest change sometimes, but more often the blogger changes. I have been reading one blog everyday for almost 2 years and suddenly the blogger has turned into a whiney dork. I am in the process of walking away from that one.
Another of my favorites turned from a funny, relatable blog to post after post after post about pregnancy. Um, I haven’t checked in there in months. It is probably a mommy-blog by now.
You are consistent despite the changes in your life.
Karens last blog post..Doubt
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January 7th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I’ve never caught the Twitter bug even though I am on there. I think the whole ‘dumping’ thing on there is pretty darn juvenile.
You share a lot (even when being cryptic;-)) and it’s because it’s what feels right for you. It’s YOUR decision and if someone doesn’t like it they probably do need to move along.
I have resolved to be less of an undisciplined slacker this year—-that’s why my Blood Elf Rogue is already level 14;-) Seriously though, I’m making sure I spend my time around the folks who touch me and make me smile—that’s what makes life good.
SMOOCH
Turnbabys last blog post..Hazy Shades of Winter
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January 7th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I was dumped a REAL LIFE good friend once. It was devastating. I miss him still. Well, kinda. Mostly I’m annoyed at him and hope he gets diarriah. But sometimes… I miss him.
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January 7th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I’ll be here, reading, no matter what you decide to write about. Unless you change this to a macrame (sp?) blog, in which case I might read less frequently.
Denises last blog post..Shameless plug for a friend
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January 7th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Continue to be the best Hilly you know how to be – and the people that remain are the people that get you…and love you…for you. Screw everyone else.
Foos last blog post..Free T.V. = Sex
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January 7th, 2009 at 10:57 am
And then there are the lurkers. I’m always reading, but not always posting/commenting cuz I’m a lazy ass that way. And frankly someone usually has already said what I was thinking. But I’m here!
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January 7th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
When you think about it, blogging and the Internet are such a new friend-making medium. And it’s so easy for messages to be mis-construed through a computer screen. And for people do decide, “Oh, it’s just the Internet, these people aren’t my ‘real’ friends, they won’t care if I pick up and move on.” But then there are those of us who are blatantly honest and who care about our Internet friends as much as our “reality” friends (for lack of a better adjective) who get thrown by the others.
Whew. That was a bunch of stuff. I hope that made sense. And I’m sorry someone screwed with you. All I know is that I hope we meet someday because I’m pretty sure that I’m in love with your brand of snark!
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Nicknames
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January 7th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
haha! I thought I was the only one that ‘got stabby’ . looks like you’ve been on a rollercoaster this past year but you know, some people find rollercoasters really exciting? the crazy fewls!
I know this comment doesn’t help you much, I’d love to be able to give you advice but who the hell am I to tell you what to do anyway? lol, good luck sorting these things out and keep venting about it so people like me can say, “hah, me too!”
Andy Baileys last blog post..I finally made it back to the gym – video blog post
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January 7th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I love the Ike smiley here:
Oh, look, it really is Ike! Did I know that before?
Anyway, what I have to say is: your personal business should only be shared with us if you want to share it. Thanks for sharing. I’m happy to hear you’ve made some decisions that are making you happy. That’s all I ever want for you. And I tell you things in confidence because I need to get them off my chest, but if you let the secret slip I could really give a shit because if I wanted it to truly stay a secret I prolly woulda kept it to myself. But I still really appreciate your perspective. And you really helped me through that last thing I needed to get off my chest, so thanks and thanks and thanks.
Ok, that was really long. Bye.
Poppys last blog post..Subway Wars: Attack of the E Trains (a story of disorderly conduct)
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January 7th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Just because readers have been pretty busy and Avitable taught them how to use a blog reader (blame him!) doesn’t mean they left.
See! I sooooo knew you mean me when you said you were sad about not seeing people comment.
… did I mention “blame Avitable?”
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January 7th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
I hear ya. I get butt-hurt when people I’ve been friendly with drop me on Twitter. It took them more energy to drop me than to ignore me. I’m looking at you Danny Evans.
Whits last blog post..A Day on the Rock
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January 8th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I must second you and SJ. I am still having major sugar withdrawals and feeling disgusting.
I think it is important not to bear all on your blog, because you can really risk damaging relationships. I respect you for that Hilly. It’s just not appropriate to discuss somethings. I read one blog where the girl is talking shit about her husband, about how he almost ruined her Christmas and how he really knows how to get on her nerves. She wasn’t joking. Man, can you imagine how he felt, reading that?
Sometimes I feel too shitty to write what I really think. Like all last month. And right now. So… it’s all fluff. Oh well
kilaxs last blog post..A true neighbor
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January 8th, 2009 at 10:43 am
I will never dump you on any social network.
Being a regular reader of your blog, I’m aware of the tough times your relationship/marriage has endured this last year. Kudos for you and Shawn to work on things. It’s something that I admire you for. Having gone through a divorce, it’s never easy to end things. But if both of you are willing to make some efforts, then you have a good chance at success. My ex never wanted to work on things and after 5 years of trying, we sat down and discussed a lot. The death-bed repentance on her part wasn’t what I was looking for. I needed that plea 3 years before.
Hope 2009 is a great year for you and everyone you consider close to you.
martymankinss last blog post..Snowy Sunday #08
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January 8th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I’ve only just started to read your blog so can’t really comment on anything that has happened or has been said in previous posts. But you seem to have found what you’re comfortable to share with your readers though and that’s the main thing.
Kevin Spencers last blog post..Bluetooth Headset Arsewipery
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January 9th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I hope you’re not writing this post because I’ve gone MIA for the last few days. Hahaha, I kid. I’m *usually* not that self-involved. =)
to be disliked for being genuine is better than being liked for not being yourself. AMEN!!!! Part of the reason I love your blog is you are so honest. You don’t have to write about everything in your life – that’s your prerogative. But, writing from the heart is huge. That’s why I adore thee!
Nilsas last blog post..Beauty
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January 9th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Judging from the comments you have no shortage of online friends drawn to your honesty and sincerity.
Internet Strategists last blog post..Twitter and FriendFeed Quick Start
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January 9th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I have to admit, I was curious about the marriage, because the last I understood, you were breaking up. I don’t always get the subtle clues.
Anyway, I am very happy to hear that you are working things out and it’s going well.
And I read every post.
Jodis last blog post..WoWee
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January 15th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Just so you know, I am still around and continue to adore what I know of you.
Though I have been on my own blogging and blog-reading hiatus, I am always around. You have my e-mail address, my Facebook info, and my Twitter info, and I am always around if you do need something (though I know you have like 150 online friends telling you the same).
My hiatus was not intentional and the only reason seems to be winter kicking my ass and leaving me wiped out and without inspiration. I am going to try to get some blogs read tonight and some posts written tonight. Wish me luck on both counts, please.
Ginas last blog post..Tuesday Tee
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