April 9th, 2009
I’m not sure how to say goodbye to someone that I’ve loved for the last six years. Despite the fact that we aren’t able to make our marriage work, we’re still friends and hope to be that way for a long time. There’s no hatred here and neither one of us want anything but the best for each other. We’ve spent a year plus dancing around the fact that we love each other to pieces but knowing that sometimes love just isn’t enough…as cliché as that sounds. I’ve nothing bad to say about him here, nor will I ever. I may talk about my feelings and things that stressed me out in my marriage but I honestly don’t have negative vibes to spread over an already devastating situation.
We went out for dinner Wednesday night…most likely the last time we’d ever do that as a married couple. Sure, we’re “legally” separated but I guess I won’t consider myself unmarried until I walk out of the door Saturday morning. We’d argued earlier in the day but suddenly none of that mattered as we discussed what we wanted for each others lives and made constructive suggestions to each other on how to attain those things. Shawn showed me that he had taken off his wedding ring and I think that was the first thing that made my heart break into a million little pieces. I don’t know if it is because I really haven’t even thought about doing that yet or just because hi, it’s somewhat of a finality that though prepared for, still stings. We joked about Facebook and ran home to both change our marital status at the same time, convinced our Facebook friends would go crazy. No one said a damned thing so either we aren’t as important as we think we are or we have classy friends. Either way, I don’t think I care right now.
Today I’ve felt this struggle inside of me all day long. It’s like I am walking through some sort of thick foam which makes each step I take harder and harder. I’m not resisting the change as I am excited to stop sitting on the bench. I’m just…hurt. There’s been plenty of time to realize that my marriage wasn’t awesome and that some part of that died a long time ago however there’s been no real time to adjust to the fact that I’m losing my best friend, in a way. The person that I have counted on for everything is going to disappear and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that we couldn’t make it work and even though this is the way it needs to be, I will mourn it. Hell, it’s only natural.
So my friends, this is the end of one era and almost the beginning of another. Life is about to become this scary adventure that I will be facing completely alone. Well, you know what I mean by “alone”, I’m sure. To be honest with you, writing this has finally brought the tears that have had yet to come. I’d begun to think that I was stone cold and holding it all together a little bit too much. It feels good to cry and I may just wallow in it. Tomorrow is a new day and with it, hopefully something amazing.
Simple Kisses,
Me
56 Responses to “The End Of Everything (And Nothing)…”
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April 9th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I am so sorry about your divorce,
but glad you two can stay friends!
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April 9th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Change is always difficult, whether it’s for the best or for the worst. And facing it when you have to say good-bye to someone you care about? Even harder.
But I’m proud of you for forging ahead. And I know you’ll come out of this an even more amazing person than you already are.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughters last blog post..Softly
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Like you said, tomorrow is a new day. Look forward to the future while remembering the good of the past.
Neils last blog post..Matzoh Brei
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Sybil Laws last blog post..Miscellaneous Bull[sh]it
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
You are loved! All the best for your new adventure, I’ll be riveted to your blog while reading all about it!
Lauras last blog post..Per nugget
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Best wishes during this difficult time.
Aprils last blog post..Odds and Ends
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I can’t imagine how hard it is, but I do know that I’m excited for you about the road ahead!
Avitables last blog post..A cat named Twitter
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I can’t even imagine how tough divorce is. Hang in there & good luck with your new life in Florida.
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April 9th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I have faith in your strength and ability to persevere. Your new life in Florida will help you become an even greater woman than you already are.
Hang in there, Hilly, and drive safe!
Cissa Firehearts last blog post..Cissa’s not heeere, Maaan!
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April 9th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
okay, now i’m crying too!
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April 9th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Neil’s reply was beautiful, I was going for something quite a bit cheesier.
You may be single, but if you look around I think you’ll find that you are never really alone.
Nats last blog post..Sucker born every minute
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April 9th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I’m really sorry, but I’m so glad you guys are able to remain friends and on such friendly terms.
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April 9th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I’m so sorry for anyone that has to go through this experience. The way that you’re handling it, at least here, speaks volumes and I’m sure it’s helping more people than you know.
justruns last blog post..Wherein I answer the deepest, most revealing food questions of at least two people!
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April 9th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Good luck, my darling. Look forward to that day that you can look back and realize that this was for the best, and made you even stronger.
sherendipitys last blog post..I think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
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April 9th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Divorce is a hard transition, but I think you’re handling it with grace. That speaks volumes of both of you!
Gingers last blog post..Jumping on the meme wagon
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April 9th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Sometimes, yes, you just need to cry and let it all out; I hope it helped release a little pressure inside. You’re doing awesome, and handling this with grace and courage.
Tugs last blog post..Watching over me
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April 9th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Did my comment post twice? If so, erase erase erase thankssomuch.
Tugs last blog post..Watching over me
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April 9th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Good luck to both of you……Sunny Florida should make your heart SING……..
Hugs from LI……
jp
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April 9th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
You? Strong.
I admire your strength through this transition in your life.
Take time.. Enjoy the cross country drive.. Put your music on and roll those windows down.
I can’t wait to see what lies ahead for you.
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April 9th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I love you. And I wish all the strength and happiness as you walk this journey. I’m always here for you if you need anything. xo
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..The Things I Wish I Could Say To You
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April 9th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Love you Hilly…Having felt deep loss, all I can say is…yes, it will hurt, but the growth and strength that comes from within over time…is definitely empowering. XOXO.
foos last blog post..Uh Yah So…
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April 9th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
“Tomorrow is a new day and with it, hopefully something amazing.”
I think that something amazing is you.
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April 9th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Your status change did not appear in the first page of my feed.
It hurts me to know that him taking off his ring hurts you… it reminds me when my ex told me the same. No matter what I ever think, thought, say, said, feel, or felt about him, that action just hurts.
hugs
Poppys last blog post..
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April 9th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Big hugs.
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April 9th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Reading this made me cry. I am going through seperation and soon divorce, so I know how you are feeling.
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April 9th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Oh, Hilly…I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I think you are taking a remarkably mature view of all this and I admire how you are determined to change the course of your life, no matter how scary that may be.
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April 9th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
floating princesss last blog post..Ultimate Ice Cream
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April 9th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I love you Hilly, oh yes I do!
Sarahs last blog post..
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April 9th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Love you.
Faiqas last blog post..Might I Have A Word?
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April 9th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
You’re breaking my heart (but that’s okay). This reminds me so much of my first husband and I and yes, it was the right thing to do and yes, we stayed close until he remarried but was it easy? No. I ended up with a wonderful partner who has a lot of the same attributes of my ex husband but, you know what, I’ll always feel like I lost my best friend when we divorced. You are better than me – you know it now. It took me almost 20 years to arrive where you are.
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April 10th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Babe, you’re going to do SPECTACULAR!!
I know your new journey will be a great one.
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April 10th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Sending you lots of good wishes for your next adventure in life. You are loved by many.
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April 10th, 2009 at 1:16 am
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but I’m so proud of you both – for the way you have handled it. Just beacause you can’t stay married doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. I think that you are both an amazing result of the partnership you had, and I know that you will both be amazing in the future. I know it hurts, but I have only the highest hopes for you.
TUWABVBs last blog post..All That and a Bag of Chips
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April 10th, 2009 at 1:19 am
Glad you’re finally through the numbness you’d been concerned about recently. You two are the role models for amicable divorce. I’m dreaming about great things for your future.
Atomic Bombshells last blog post..Chrysalis
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April 10th, 2009 at 7:07 am
It’s so hard to say goodbye. So hard. I’m glad you can stay friends. Look after yourself and safe journey to Florida. XXX
Selmas last blog post..When The Daffodils Bloom
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April 10th, 2009 at 8:09 am
All I can say is, I’m sorry. As cliche as that is, it’s true.
kapgars last blog post..Hit me baby one more time…
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April 10th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I can recall the same “thick” feelings, the effort to do anything and the silence in my ears. It goes away, slowly, but it goes away. You fond new energies to propel you through the soup, and the joy of sound comes back to your ear.
The best to you and Shawn.
I originally wanted to try to be funny by saying “Its not over till Face Book says it is”.
Be well.
g-mans last blog post..I can follow directions
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April 10th, 2009 at 8:50 am
This post has me a little choked up, too. Partially because I’m a selfish whack who just can’t imagine saying goodbye to my own best friend. But more because it takes a really strong person, a strong couple, to admit that you love each other, but cannot be together. That’s an incredibly complicated set of emotions and I’m so very impressed that you both seem to be handling it with grace. Don’t let this be the last time you shed tears – the grieving and healing process will take time. But, let me tell you … I’m so very excited for all the future holds for you. For real.
BTW, FB doesn’t tell me status updates like relationships and jobs anymore. Maybe that’s why your FB communities were so quiet about the change.
SoMi’s Nilsas last blog post..200
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April 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Hilly, I am so sorry things suck right now, so proud of you for being a strong woman and so excited for the next chapter of your life.
I think at some level we can all relate to that deep loss and feeling of uncertainty. It is lonely and miserable. I just know good things are in your near future.
Karens last blog post..The Unknown
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April 10th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Been there, done that. {{hugs}}}
sues last blog post..Some Day I’d Like To…
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April 10th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Hilly, your willingness to feel and to love and to mourn is truly an inspiration.
I am so, so proud to know you.
And my heart is hurting for you today.
Miss Britts last blog post..Liar, Liar, Twitter on Fire
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April 10th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You have classy friends.
Glad you are remaining friends. It took a few years before my ex and I could actually speak on common and civil terms. We are not really good friends, but we also rarely argue now and can have some decent conversations.
martymankinss last blog post..I’m Not Good At Dealing With Loss
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April 10th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Now the healing comes. I wish you both the best on the next phase of your journey. It’s such a gift to leave your marriage with good feelings still there even though it might seem harder. Because love is always a gift even when it doesn’t work out.
Sending you a big hug.
sizzles last blog post..Stop. Focus.
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April 10th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Hope you had a good wallow. Holding it together is highly overrated.
Finns last blog post..In Which I Prove My Obvious Fashion Superiority
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April 10th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I love that you are handling this with such class and respect for each other. That says a lot about the wonderful person (people) you are.
I am thinking good thoughts for you and can’t wait to hear about your new exciting adventures. If you ever need anything, please know that I am here. I would be willing to help in any way I can!
radioactive toris last blog post..Frazzled
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April 10th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I don’t know the feelings you’re going through, but I can offer my shoulder to lean on.
And I wanna stand out on I-4 when you roll into town with a big sign and a box of cupcakes.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Luxury or take the crazy pills?
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April 10th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
J…s last blog post..For think where it should come from…
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April 10th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I got to the part where you said, “Shawn showed me that he had taken off his wedding ring…” and had to stop reading, leave my desk to put myself back together, then come back to finish reading the rest. My heart’s broken for you, Hilly. I guess it’s the right thing for you and Shawn. Regardless of the fact that you’re parting somewhat peacefully, and have no awful things to say about each other, it’s still has to be very difficult to say goodbye to someone that you also said “forever” to years ago.
I’ve been thinking of you often, and will continue to think of and pray for your exciting new journey and future.
~Les
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April 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I was in your position two years ago, it’s always tough, time will make it feel less painful, but that’s no help to you now. Hugs, i’m thinking of you.
Brionys last blog post..Happy Easter
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April 10th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
You sounds so level headed and calm. I wish I were more like you.
Best wishes and luck to all the new changes.
kilaxs last blog post..Refueling: during and after the run
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April 13th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I don’t have anything really brilliant to say here, but wanted you to know that I’m sending virtual hugs even if they are from a virtual stranger!
Courtneys last blog post..Best Weight Loss Plan EVER
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April 16th, 2009 at 2:13 am
I love you, Sunshine.
Shawn Carness last blog post..$33 —> $321.31, with special guests at work!
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April 16th, 2009 at 2:29 am
[...] went to Hilary’s blog and read this post. After reading it, I loaded up iTunes and then have since played this song over and over. I [...]
April 17th, 2009 at 2:41 am
I’m sorry I haven’t been around in the past few months…I’m dealing with my own crisis and haven’t been much good to anybody.
I just wanted you to know that this post touched me and brought tears to my eyes. It brought back a lot of my own memories, as well as made me sad that you guys are going through this.
Sending you much love from Nashville tonight.
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April 19th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
It is quite sad that your marriage is over, but uplifting that it is on good terms.
Not so sure your “friends” on Facebook are really friends at all. Maybe at least not in the traditional since of the word “friend”.
blackdogs last blog post..Mini Reviews – My Music Playlist This Week – U2, WASP, Jeff Beck
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April 23rd, 2009 at 10:16 pm
I wish you all the best, Hilly.
(((((hugs)))))
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