May 27th, 2009
After literally sobbing uncontrollably for over an hour last night, I woke up this morning determined to focus on the good and put the bad on the back burner for a few days. That’s the process of my healing, I’ve found…three days on misery, three days off. I’ve got to stop beating myself up about the process and so starting today, I shall. If I want to sit in a corner and cry so hard that it hurts, so be it. On the flip side, if I want to giggle for no apparent reason and dance around my kitchen, well that’s all gravy too.
One of the things that is helping me move through this difficult period is the constant redefinition of who I am inside, emotionally speaking. When I flipped on my computer this morning, the first blog idea to come to my head was writing about who I am and what I believe…yanno, those core things that never really seem to change. As I grabbed a gallon jug of coffee and the stamina to write “forever”, I remembered that I’d once written a post about this very same thing. I scoured my archives and found that I’d taken part in the “This I Believe” phenomenon that two years ago swept not only the blogosphere but also the nation. After balking that it had actually been two years since I’d published my post on this subject, I decided to go back, read it, see how much had changed, add to it and then finally post it here. Yes, yes…all hail the redux! I think this is an important project for me this morning because it takes me back to the core of who I am and grounds me plus it allows me to add new bits and pieces about me that I may have not thought of before. So, if you were subject to this originally, I apologize but honestly, there may be new things here and besides, like you remember what I wrote two years ago, sheesh! In any case, here we go…
“This I Believe – Two Years Later”
I believe that it is important to study different religions and make a faith-based decision after becoming fully educated. With that said, I believe in God and Jesus Christ; in fact I think that Jesus himself was an amazing and selfless man who we can all learn from, whether we believe in him or not. While I am not one for organized religion and some of the hypocrisy therein, I still often wear a cross pendant around my neck to remind me of the sacrifices that were made for my soul, so that I may be forgiven for my mistakes. I believe in a lot of the Bible but I think people take it too literally in this day and age. I believe in “doing unto others” yet I do not believe in “an eye for an eye“.
Therefore, I do not believe in the death penalty. I’d like to say that it is because I am a forgiving person who doesn’t think that a human has the right to take another’s life, but that would only be half-true. I think that a lifetime spent wasting away in a small cell is far worse punishment than asking God to forgive you and dying without having suffered for your crime.
I believe that some crimes can be forgiven in the case that a person made a mistake and never does it again.. However there are other crimes that are far too heinous to ever be forgiven…..child molestation being number one on the list. Any person who defiles an innocent child should be castrated and thrown into a cell that is always dark and scary.
I believe in a woman’s right to choose, however I would never ever ever have an abortion myself because all life is precious and deserves to be loved. I am under the assumption that if God ever goes cuckoo and decides that he actually wants ME to raise a child, then who am I to argue? But don’t mistake my never wanting an abortion for me judging you for having one….we all have a different story to tell and I can’t write yours.
I believe in a woman’s right to be child-free without persecution. Just because a person has enough sense to know that she is not mommy material does not mean that she hates children.
I believe that the government is too concerned with monitoring our human rights and should spend their time focused elsewhere like fixing the economy. The trampling of our civil liberties should not be as big of a problem as it is. How about letting gay marriage happen then maybe turning your attentions towards getting our soldiers home?
I believe that you can be anti-war without being anti-soldier; a lot of people do not see the difference. In my crazy mind, wanting the troops to come home is sorta like being oh, I dunno…pro-soldier.
I believe that love is the most powerful thing there is and that it should be respected and cherished. I believe in telling someone how I feel before it is too late. I believe in passion in all forms and know that it is a driving force in my life. Passion has many colors though, so what the word means to me might be different that what it means to you.
I believe that everyone deserves to be loved no matter what they look like. The true beauty of a person is measured by what comes from their insides, but you have to be willing to take your blinders off in order to see it. In the sense of romantic love, I do not believe that we should judge or dictate how another person lives his or her life. Love comes in all colors, shapes, sizes, forms and categories….live and let live, people.
With that said, I believe in gay marriage. The simple fact of the matter is that marriage is love. The religious zealots claim these unions to be an abomination before God. If that is true, then isn’t it God’s place to judge people and not yours? How can love in any form be wrong? How can people who claim to be instruments of the Lord be so hateful towards their fellow man just because they’re “different”?
Speaking of love and passion and all of those other high-powered emotions, I believe that to be truly loved, one must love themselves. I don’t think that we are going to go through every day being completely satisfied with who we are. Like I said yesterday, we’re not meant to be perfect, otherwise how would we grow and learn? But having a general respect for your heart, mind and body is essential when entering into any form of relationship, big or small.
I believe in the sanctity of marriage and view divorce as a last resort. However, I do not frown upon divorce and do not think that anyone should judge anyone else for going through with it. You cannot know what someone’s life is like until you walk a mile in his or her shoes. Yes, you try until the bitter end…you fight, you cry, you get counseling, you try try try and keep on trying but when all of that is gone and you cannot fight anymore? It’s then that you make the healthiest decision that you can so that you don’t forever lose who you are in the fight. As long as you don’t look at divorce in the same fashion as a lot of the Hollywood crowd, it’s all okay and is ultimately your decision.
I believe in saying what you feel. Playing games and holding back generally hurts not only others but yourself in the long run.
I believe in tearing down barriers and “getting over it” to be with someone you love.
I believe that people definitely are non-communicative with regard to their feelings and that causes a lot more problems than it solves. However, I understand the reasoning behind some of it….fear. People are so afraid to say what is on their mind because as a society, we are constantly judged for the words that come out of our mouths. Life is no good if you cannot take a risk, but those risks are often times the hardest things in the world. Life is too short for mediocrity and too often we “settle” rather than forging on, simply because our fear eats us alive.
Speaking of fear and being eaten alive, I believe that addiction is real. I also believe in the power of recovery and all it stands for. Although I am a walking contradiction who won’t go to meetings due to a dislike of organized anything (except drunken conventions, ironically!), I do think that recovery programs help a lot of people that go to them. This subject is close to my heart because my Dad has been clean and sober now for 27 years. Imagine being a six year old little girl all excited to go stay with Daddy for the weekend, only to end up watching your uncles carry him to the pullout bed at every family function because he was drunk again. Now imagine not knowing what the hell is going on while you tuck your drunk Daddy in every other weekend and cry because you think he might be dying because he is always “sick”. Then imagine your Mom telling you that you won’t have any weekends with Daddy for awhile because he went away on a trip, but later overhearing her tell the housekeeper that “the girls’ drunk Dad is in jail again“. To a kid, “jail” seems to equate to “never coming back” and there is so much fear in that…..I cannot even begin to tell you the nights spent crying myself to sleep over that crap. Okay, now imagine a man who is your rock, one of your best friends, the person that you can turn to when it all falls down, the one person who backs you up no matter what crazy shit you do, and the one person who makes you feel so proud of him because you know that anything is possible after watching him change his life. Yeah, I believe that people can change if they want to, wholeheartedly. My Dad did.
I believe that hating a person is a huge waste of energy and completely do not use the word “hate” in my vocabulary when it comes to people. However, I do believe that you can hate things…you know, like marinara sauce or pickled pigs feet.
Conversely, I believe that you can absolutely decide someone is no good for you and completely flush them out of your life.
I believe in saying, “I’m sorry.” if I have wronged you. I also believe in you telling me that I have wronged you rather than making me guess.
I believe that “please“, “thank you” and “bless you” are words that are uttered too little and could go a long way if said more.
I believe that strong people have moments of weakness and that weak people have moments of strength. In either case, both sets make mistakes and should never be judged too harshly for them. I obviously believe in forgiveness.
I believe in my gut and the instincts that hide there. Sometimes you cannot deny the things that you feel even though you probably should.
I believe in the simplicity of the little things….like remembering something that someone likes or mentions or them doing the same for you.
I believe that my scary freaky super-memory was given to me for a reason but I have no idea what yet.
I believe that it hurts when people play games with your emotions.
I believe that friendship is a two-way street.
I believe that laughter really is one of the best things on this Earth. I don’t use my humor to mask any type of pain; I use it because it is important to feel happiness and share those great moments of giggling and snorting with those that I adore. A sense of humor is just one of those things that I look for in my relationships with other people. I like friends who make me smile.
I believe that one person can make a difference if a lot of “one persons” would just do it.
I believe in being there for my friends, day or night.
I believe that I am beautiful, flaws and all. If you don’t want to be a part of my life (big or small) because you cannot get past judging my imperfections, then I feel sorry for you. Mostly because you will go through life not knowing many great people because you are so judgmental but also because seriously…not hanging with me is worse than death 
.
I believe that not everyone is going to agree with what I’ve said today….yet they will not judge me for it or argue with me about it on my blog. Inherently, most people are good and understanding if you treat them in kind and since I am generally a very kind person, I hope this rule sticks! I also believe that disagreeing with some of my beliefs or even not liking them does not mean that you do not like ME and vice versa.
I believe that music is one of the most moving things for the soul. Some songs have the power to make us smile or even laugh while others fill us with longing, love or tears.
I believe in the power that is held in every friendship. It’s a simple amazement to look back on my own life and replay the amount of times that someone’s kind words, hugs or just sitting and holding my hand had brought me back from the sadness that consumed me. Friends are life-blood.
I believe that we, as humans, can recover from anything.
I believe in the power of the PRB and love you all so much for your continued friendship and ability to make me smile.
Believe In My Kisses,
Me
29 Responses to “Believing In The Redux…”
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May 27th, 2009 at 8:59 am
::hugs::
I am “stealing” this idea from you later…I hope you don’t mind…
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 9:15 am
I would write my own but you’ve already said just about everything I would say with some minor differences. I sometimes forget how much alike we are.
Kailyns last blog post..You can take the girl out of Berkeley…
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May 27th, 2009 at 9:42 am
As a long time reader of your blog I have to say….
This is your BEST post EVER!!!
Although I agree with 99% of it… these are things I don’t think about on a daily basis. I was taking it all in while reading in. It’s not always easy to talk about this kind of stuff. Thank you for sharing.
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 9:43 am
I believe that you are totally awesome, and I am glad for the mini part that I can play in your corner of the PRB.
xo
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 9:59 am
I remember when the This I Believe swept the PBR. I never did mine though I started. I’m glad you reposted it!
I was especially touched by the part about your dad. Thanks for sharing that.
sizzles last blog post..Unsaid Said
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I love that you said this,
“I believe in a woman’s right to be child-free without persecution. Just because a person has enough sense to know that she is not mommy material does not mean that she hates children.”
geminis last blog post..A moment of silence….
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 10:27 am
*sigh* you’re so right. i don’t agree with some (really very little) of what is said. but because you’re honest with us AND yourself, i respect you. which goes a long way in my book!
zeghsys last blog post..i know…
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 10:48 am
I believe that you are beautiful to the core, where it counts.
I like you more now than I did 4 minutes ago.
Sybil Laws last blog post..Birthday!
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May 27th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I think I believe in every single thing you believe in. And this makes me wish I knew you for real instead of just virtually! I think you’re awesome.
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 11:31 am
this is great Hilly. also, I firmly believe like your own thought up there about a childless woman, unmarried folks are absolutely fine people as well.
furiousballs last blog post..some help from my friends
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I believe in you.
it makes me sad that you have been so upset – wish i was closer so we could have margarita night and watch trashy tv or whatever. move to canada.
*smooch*
[Reply]
May 27th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I could just cut and paste this on my blog.
I believe that you will come through this stronger and better than before. Hang in there.
Finns last blog post..Did You Know?
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May 27th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Simply awesome post.
Jodis last blog post..Talking about it is not the same as playing it.
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May 27th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I don’t remember the original post at all, and I don’t remember anybody else doing it. It’s a cool idea, though – maybe you’ve started the trend all over again!
Avitables last blog post..The one where I get shot
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May 27th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I believe you are an amazing writer, who pulls from the heart. Thank you for sharing these beautiful words.
SoMi’s Nilsas last blog post..Mojo
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May 27th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
“I believe that I am beautiful, flaws and all. If you don’t want to be a part of my life (big or small) because you cannot get past judging my imperfections, then I feel sorry for you. Mostly because you will go through life not knowing many great people because you are so judgmental but also because seriously…not hanging with me is worse than death
.”
This is my favorite part.
Nannas last blog post..Grandiose Post and Random Drivel
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Turnbaby Reply:
May 28th, 2009 at 12:35 am
i was gonna say that!!!
Turnbabys last blog post..The Official ConFab, Baby! Video
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May 27th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Wow Hilly….I love this post. Thank you for sharing this.
Beckys last blog post..Movin’ On Up!
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May 27th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Half the time I have no idea what I believe. To see you so confident in your beliefs is pretty impressive. :-)
Dave2s last blog post..Wrong
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May 27th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I believe I’m lucky to be getting the chance to know you.
Faiqas last blog post..A Clarification is Worth A Thousand Words… Or More
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May 28th, 2009 at 12:38 am
it’s too late in the evening and I am too tired to go through all but sugar I just had to say what a lovely post this was.
And what a lovely woman you are
[Reply]
May 28th, 2009 at 7:36 am
i am all about impressed with your ability to write posts like this. even if i tried, there would be no way i could create such a phenomenal testament to who i am. you are a talented writer, hilly. also? you have a lot to offer.
now why is there no good egg smiley? i’ll just use this:
hello haha narfs last blog post..HNT – I Return With My 49th HNT Post
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May 28th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Fantastic post. Laughter, music, love and hope. What more do any of us need? One of the best things you’ve ever written!
Selmas last blog post..Questions, Questions
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May 28th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Love this all, I may have to do this myself. I especially love the childfree part.
Robins last blog post..Marriage Isn’t Easy or Hard
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May 28th, 2009 at 9:32 am
No one can say what they feel more eloquently, truthfully, or philosophically than you. I believe that with all my heart.
I get you on the sobbing thing but I must be British because they’re rising in my throat but they won’t come out. I’ll prolly feel better when they do. It’s not like the last 10.5 years is going down the tubes. It just sorta feels like it. Truthfully, the jury is still out. Hasn’t actually even discussed the case yet. Doesn’t stop me from aching though. *sigh*
Winters last blog post..Worst Weekend Ever
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May 29th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I love your list. You are so level-headed. I share so much of it with you… this must be why I like you so much
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May 29th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
i know, totally inappropriate smiley face thinger, but i thought it was halarious, and that you might think it’s funny too.
Anyway, not the point. Point is, I love your ‘I believe’ list. And I agree.
Also, let’s catch up. It’s been far too long.
You’ve been through a lot a lot a lot. Somehow I think that will make sense to you. And I am glad to see you still plucking away at things. Good for you. And keep your chin up. When you have bad days, keep it up anyway, even if it’s trembling.
Tonis last blog post..Learning to write THIS play
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May 30th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Спасибо, хорошая статья. Подписался.
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May 31st, 2009 at 11:40 pm
[...] little less than a week ago, a good friend posted a “redux” of a previous post called “This I Believe.” It was part of a phenomenon publicized by NPR a few years back (with roots in the 1950s attributed [...]