May 14th, 2009
I have no idea why but as of yesterday afternoon, I was violently sick to my stomach. Wait, I take that back…the violence really didn’t start until around 4:00 am this morning. Yanno, I don’t want to be a drama queen *and* a liar! Still, last night when I made my icky stomach status known to the fine folks on Facebook (because in this day and age, EVERYONE needs to know my bodily functions, right?), a few people were under the impression that my stomach was mad at me for filling it with so much booze. Sweet sweet booze. I was amused by this yet for some reason felt compelled to stick up for my stomach! Nay nay, my tummy is no flailing little pussy who gets weak in the knees at the sight of a few gallons of booze! Shoooot, I haven’t had a “barfy boozing” since high school, maybe college. I’ve got an amazing constitution but more importantly, I know how to handle myself.
● When I slur my words and start talking about things I probably shouldn’t, I stop drinking.
● When I’m the most obnoxious person in the room and people start to stare, I stop drinking.
● When a table full of people keep telling me to shut the fuck up, I stop drinking.
● When I have no idea what was said five minutes ago, I stop drinking.
● When the room even slightly starts to blur and spin, I stop drinking.
I never let myself get to the point where I am barfing all over someone else’s carpet or pissing wherever I feel like it. I don’t ruin an evening of fun for other people with my overly drunken antics. I may swear a lot, accidentally leave freezers wide open, and annoyingly blast the fuck out of my Twitter page but honestly, if those are my worst offenses then I am pretty much okay with that. Hey, it’s not like I drink that often, contrary to popular belief.
Why am I talking about this? Uh well, first of all because I am sick and this whole post seems fucking brilliant right now. Later, not so much but for right now….sure. The second reason I am blogging about people who get too drunk is because Davey Joe and I spent the entirety of our night at the Sleuth’s Mystery Dinner sitting at a table with the nastiest drunk bitch around. Keep in mind that Dave and I both can put away some alcohol so it’s not like we’re prudes or anything! Somehow we got seated at a table with the loud drunk who kept interrupting the show, his equally loud and obnoxious wife and a lady who we shall call Griselda. Now then, poor Dave was seated next to Griselda who, by the way, was a bit of a weatherd woman who has lost some of her teeth throughout the ages. Apparently, she was wearing a skirt cut up to her thigh and kept giving Dave a show of her beaten clam every time she would move. She also kept slurring the same five fucking questions over and over again, making it nearly impossible for us to hear some of the show. At least the loud drunk dude kept shouting loundly causing the characters to react to him in a way that we would miss nothing. But Griselda and her hideous clam bake? Almost sent Dave over the edge. I thought he was going to cut a bitch and Dave does not act like that at all!
Here’s my thing…and I’ve wanted to say this for a long time: when you are drunk with other people, they are affected by the way in which you behave. If you barf on their carpet and don’t clean it up? That’s a gross evening for them plus the cost of a cleaning bill. If you do obnoxious sexual things in front of other people? That earns you a reputation and makes other people afraid to attend parties with you. If you can’t shut the fuck up at a public event? It tends to ruin the evening for the other patrons. If you keep hitting on people who clearly aren’t into you? You get quite a reputation.
Am I saying that I’m prefect? Hell no. Look, we all get super drunk and have fun. We all get loud and crazy. We all say things we wish that we could take back. We all sleep with people who otherwise aren’t good for us. Wait, what? You haven’t? So that’s just *me*? Jinkies! Ahem, anywayyyy…I think my point in all of this is something. Oh yeah, don’t get so drunk that you ruin other people’s experiences! If all you can remember about a party is “dood, I was so fucked up” then what was the point of attending that party anyway?
Uh, okay…I think I need to go back to bed now. The room is spinny. You can pretend that there is some witty ending that ties all of this together, right?
Never Eat Potato Skins That Were Left In A Hot Car Kisses,
Me
27 Responses to “I Drink To Forget That I Drink To Forget…”
Leave a Reply
Search
Stalk Me Much?
Navigation
Recent Posts
- 2710
- On Friendship…
- This Is Where We All Fall Out…
- Wait, They Don’t Love You Like I Love You…
- That’s The Time You Must Keep On Trying…
- Peanut Butter, No Jelly…
- The (Wo)Man And The Mouse…
Yearly Favorite Posts
Monthly Comment Whores
- hello haha narf (8)
- Finn (7)
- Karen Sugarpants (7)
- Al_Pal (5)
- Darla (5)
- Avitable (4)
- Elizabeth Kaylene (4)
- Laurie (4)
- Poppy (4)
- Rebecca (4)
May 14th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I’ve now officially decided to substitute the phrase “off the beaten path” with “off the beaten clam” from this point forward. Thanks so much!
shinys last blog post..Slightly Inaccurate…
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Yeah, um, see, the PROBLEM is that when you’re a loud and obnoxious drunk, you don’t KNOW you’re a loud and obnoxious drunk at the time. You interpret those “WTF!?!?” looks as “OMG! SO FUN!”
I mean. Ahem. Not that I know anything about that or anything.
I’m in awe of people who can hold their liquor better than I can.
Miss Britts last blog post..On Parenting and Dance Parties in Living Rooms
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Yeah, drunken antics are rarely pretty and leave a lasting impression.
Feel better soon! Food poisoning is the the worst!
floating princesss last blog post..Mopquest
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
“beaten clam” is gonna make me giggle all day.
Turnbabys last blog post..It Took Less Time To Build It!
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
I need to get drunk one of these days and see what type of drunk I am.
Avitables last blog post..Two Truths and a Lie
[Reply]
B.E. Earl Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I am officially inviting myself out when you decide to get drunk.
B.E. Earls last blog post..So, Paris looks like fun
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I don’t have a problem with getting a little but lit and enjoying the show… but these assholes were disrupting the actors again and again, and there’s nothing cool about that. It ruins things for other guests who paid money to be there. But it’s like Brit said, they don’t know they’re being obnoxious… they think they’re the life of the party. No matter how many times the actors kept making fun of them, they kept being assholes, which is why they need to be cut.
Dave2s last blog post..Day Seven: Orlando
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:18 am
OMG! Beaten Clam….adding that one to my vocab right away! So hilarious made me Pee!
Granny nannys last blog post..Yes, I Stole This
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I’m surprised they weren’t escorted out…people (myself included) are getting much less tolerant of obnoxious drunks. Fun drunks I love!
Tugs last blog post..Buds
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Gia is constantly amazed at how well I handle myself when I drink. People all around me get wasted and I can feel it happening to me as well, but it hardly registers on my exterior.
That being said, I once did a full gallery of Playboy poses in a restaurant/bar that had a large fireplace when I was really drunk. I was wearing a suit at the time, so I wasn’t nekkid or anything. And it garnered a ton of laughs.
So I would add: When I start doing Playboy poses in a crowded bar, I should probably stop drinking.
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:49 am
I just avoid all of this by simply choosing not to drink alcohol 99.9% of the time. (I do make exceptions for a sip to participate in important toasts.)
Atomic Bombshells last blog post..Chrysalis
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Your description of the clam lady is so funny. OMG, some people just don’t know when to quit.
Hope you feel better soon, hon.
Selmas last blog post..Green-Eyed Monster
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Whew! I haven’t been that obnoxiously drunk since my Tijuana days (although recently I have been known to make drunk tweets now and again…)
Normally I don’t get that out of control, although I do have one or two more than I should now and then and do things I’m not especially proud of, although I hold myself to a higher standard than I do anyone else so I suppose those infractions are relatively minor.
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Poor Dave…Poor You…Poor Audience…Poor Actors. Why didn’t you all just gang up on them and throw them the fuck out and enjoy the rest of the show in peace?
(Sorry, the evil purple monster typed that not me)
Feel better soon babe! (and stay away from the clams snicker)
TMWWs last blog post..Charming Bitch
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 11:48 am
this post is brilliant and so very true…my mother was a Griselda. Beaten clam and all. It was very embarrassing for my brother and I growing up.
Which is why I rarely get drunk. It’s so embarrassing later!
Feel better, Hilly!
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..Calling All Cyclists
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I get drunk a lot and ruin the good times of others so I can relate to this.
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
haha, beaten clam. not really fair to clams, they can’t defend themselves unless you put your finger in them. clams are lame
furiousballs last blog post..if IE were a fat kid in gym class, I’d be soooo hoping for dodge ball day so I could peg it in the nuts as many times as possible
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Oooo, when you said you weren’t feeling good – I immediately thought of your excited tweet that you forgot about your potato skins in the fridge…
…so, uh… get better! soon!
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I hope you feel better.
I don’t drink often, and never to excess. I did that in my 20’s in college, that was enough thank you.
Blondefabulouss last blog post..The Odds & Ends Post.
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
My two terrible drunk things are that I will tell any secret that I have inside of me to anyone who will listen and I will make out boys who I have no business making out with.
In other words it wouldn’t be a strech for me to announce to a table full of strangers that sister-in-law had 2 abortions right before making out with the bus boy who doesn’t speak a word of English.
I am gem!
Karens last blog post..Stupid
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
What’s with Dave attracting the older ladies who like to give a show? (Re: Etta James, though totally not his fault even if he is dashingly handsome)
The problem with rude drunks is they usually are too drunk to realize what douchebags they are being and if you tell them, they won’t remember in the morning.
I don’t think I will be eating clams for a long time after reading this. . .
sizzles last blog post..The Next Right Thing
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Beaten clam made me LOL! I’ve done a lot of stupid drunk stuff, but I have never, ever showed my clam to anyone.
I cannot stop laughing about clams….
Sybil Laws last blog post..
[Reply]
May 14th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Dear Hilly & oh yeah, Dear God, too:
Please take Adam out and get him drunk. And make sure it’s on Vimeo.
Love, Stephanie.
Stephanies last blog post..See Ya In The Funny Papers!
[Reply]
May 15th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Eish this post makes me miss my days of being able to drink all my friends under the table!
Somewhere along the line I got alcoholaphobia and yes, I’m sure that’s a word somewhere. I used to love to tie one on and have some fun but now I never drink – ever.
I remember being tipsy as being lots of fun, but I don’t know what it is that stops me now. I stopped initially because of some meds I was on and I was worried about weird reactions, now I just can’t. It’s like some weird mental block.
Is it wrong that I want to figure out how to want to get drunk again? Or should I just enjoy the fact that I don’t? I feel boring.
Breighs last blog post..Handshaking Compulsory in NL?
[Reply]
May 15th, 2009 at 6:37 am
When I read back the comment I just wrote and can’t really make sense of it, I stop drinking.
Yes I know it’s 6:37 in the morning.
LeSombres last blog post..Why we don’t rob banks together
[Reply]
May 15th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hope you are better today!
I so totally agree about the obnoxious drunks. Unfortunately, I had parents like that. Can you say, “embarassed teenager”. Um, yeah.
sues last blog post..One Foot In Front of the Other
[Reply]
May 18th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Potato skins left in a hot car will do that every single time (not the kisses part, but the puking part)
martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday – Season 2 Ep. 04
[Reply]