May 18th, 2009
I’ve opened this page so many times and spilled so many of my guts that it’s a wonder that I have any left. Usually I wait until I’ve felt the pangs of sadness or anger. I like to come here with a solution, mostly so that one worries about me. I wait until I have an answer so that no one suggests something that might make me venture outside of my comfort zone…you know, further than I’ve already pushed it this year. I’m really good about knowing where to go next and how to at least start getting there. But this time? This time I have no idea how or when the wounds will heal…time, I suppose. I hear it heals everything. Also, I think it’s time to take down the great wall that surrounds my heart and just let other people try to help me fix it for once in my damned life. I mean hey, it’s not working the other way so why not try something new, right? Yanno, it’s hard for me to listen to what other people have to say because “they don’t know me” nor do they “feel my pain” and also “they’ve never been through exactly what I’ve been through”. I fear, however, that maybe I’m missing an important ingredient when I shut certain people out, taking only their love but never listening to the words they so carefully choose in order to show me that love.
I’ve been treated like a porcelain doll more than once over the last year…people have told me lies or half-truths in order to spare my feelings while others have stopped coming to me with their problems because “I have enough on my plate”. My first reaction to all of these things has been hurt, surprise and the immediate need to exclaim that I’m not breakable and don’t want to be treated as such. Never did I see these actions as something that friends would do in order to help shift my focus where it needed to be. I always managed to feel as if my strength were being questioned around every corner and then I thought, “Well if I don’t have my strength and bravery, then who the hell am I right now and how the hell am I going to make it through this life?’. Yes yes, I know that is dramatic, especially so many other parts of me make me who I am…my open mind, my kindness, and whatever else lives on the softer side of my street.
But tell me this…if I’m not strong? If I’m not brave? If I’m not kicking in doors with six inches of heeled boots? Then who the hell am I and how the hell am I going to mend my sad little heart? No really, please GOD someone tell me how because I have no clue. Everything seems broken…like a saucer laying in big chunks. Sure, I can eventually glue it all back together but the truth is that I don’t even know where to buy the glue at this point in time. Every piece stares at me…
I miss my husband so much. He was supposed to be the love of my life and even though I am sure this was good for us, my heart literally hurts when I think of him. No one understands me like he does and no one shares as many inside jokes or stories as he and I do. Even though we’re not in each others lives anymore, his are the first arms I want to crawl into right now so that I can cry and cry. So yes, this is hard. In fact, I’m sobbing hysterically.
I miss California like you can’t even believe. When I was younger and moved away, I was a total douche who’d say things like, “California isn’t just a state…it’s a state of mind.” I’m beginning to think that the only douchey part of that statement was saying it aloud and that there is utter truth to it. Things here are lovely but they’re just not the same.
I’m fat…like super fat. The whole last year of my life can be summed up by the size of my body. I’ve finally come to the realization that the only way to lose any weight is to deal with all of these demons that eat at me every day. So…I cry a lot. I get irritated over stupid things. I allow myself to dislike people who normally wouldn’t bug me so much. I’ve swung my pendulum too far to one side and am experiencing every single damned emotion in an effort not to eat about it. And you know what? It helps, it really does. The simple fact of the matter is that even though I know being slimmer also takes time and a certain amount of work, I hate my body. No matter how many times men still find me sexy or my friends tell me that I’m cute, I don’t see it. I know that I’m a huge proponent for living life out loud at any size…I still find that very true however, sometimes…most times…I just want to go hide in the corner and not be seen. I want to get over it and feel beautiful again. I guess all I can do is rely on time and effort. This funk too shall pass.
I’m afraid to fail. This is the first time that I’ve been on my own in years and I’m constantly counting money and making budgets and all of this other crap just to make sure that I don’t completely end up in a big pool of fail. I’m not sure why but I feel the need to prove myself to someone…anyone. I’m also scared to wake up one day and have nothing to show for striking out on my own. This fear doesn’t consume me but it does nag me and I’m tired of it.
Contrary to what I’ve written here though, not every moment of my life is steeped in misery. I’m not moping around each day and I make supremely concentrated efforts to say yes to when someone asks me to do something. My core personality shines through like the sun after a rainstorm and the happiness is there…the love, the sense of accomplishment, the hope…they are all there. It’s not all ugly inside of here but it’s not all sweetness and light either. My soul is the perfect marriage of heaven and hell and honestly, one needs to go. All I know is that I hope to God that someday I will know real happiness and real peace because right now this half and half stuff is really killing me.
Fragile Kisses,
Me
42 Responses to “Persephone’s Song…”
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May 18th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I’m writing a post for tomorrow and I saw this pop up on Twitter. Here you are, so open with what’s happening in your life, your fears and feelings, and I’m bitching about different flavors of chips.
Fuck, talk about perspective. You’ll get to where you want to be. Whether it’s as cool as me will be hard to tell.
That’s all I’ve got.
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May 18th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I don’t care what anyone says, Hilly, including you — you are beautiful.
Keep your head up and keep living. After the whirlwind… a still, small voice.
SwanShadows last blog post..Fresno in my rear-view mirror
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May 18th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I know how you feel…
Meghanns last blog post..And she’s out….
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May 18th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
God, Hilly. I feel like you ripped a scab off my own heart, and it hurts. You are so right. I don’t know how you feel or what you’re going through.But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I had tears of my own reading this just because I can’t help this go away for you. All I can do is be here for you, wishing you happiness…eventually.And offering you virtual hugs.
I love you.
metalmoms last blog post..Hidden Heroes
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May 18th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I had a comment in mind but then I got completely mind-wiped by the fact that your post actually resulted in James leaving a normal comment. I think you might have superpowers.
Avitables last blog post..America’s Next Top Moob Contest
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May 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Sometimes being brave IS suffering, and talking about it, and crying, and dealing with it. It’s not always in your face, full frontal “fuck you!”, you know?
That said, happiness is a hard goal to reach for for every single day life. I tend to go for contentment – and appreciating everything around me.
I am not just spewing words here – I find you brave, sweet and hilarious, as well as extremely intelligent and YES – attractive! You’re fucking awesome, hellish side and all.
Things will get better! (I know it sucks to hear but it is true!)
Sybil Laws last blog post..Birthday!
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May 18th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
I remember so well the aftermath of my first marriage and the pain of realizing that I couldn’t talk to my best friend about how much it hurt because he WAS my best friend. I blamed myself (someone had to be blamed, right? God, I was naive) for years and years, and wondered if I’d pushed away the only decent, kind man I’d ever meet.
Fast forward to now. We’re both remarried. He found someone who thinks all the crap that used to drive me nuts is totally awesome. His mom loves her (she HATED me). His friends love her. She camps without whining about: showers, bugs, snakes, how hot it is. And we’re friends. Really good friends. And now I’m married, too, and I realize how it’s supposed to be. Husband #1 was the love of the child me…he was the right one for her but would never be right for who I am now and in the future.
I guess, reading through what I just wrote, it’s a sort of sucky way of saying, “Hang in there because it will get better,” but that’s the truth. You are an awesome person and I’m sure he is, too, and you will both be OK and remain friends and love again, and that will be OK, too.
Denises last blog post..Building mileage and confidence
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May 18th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
“All I know is that I hope to God that someday I will know real happiness and real peace because right now this half and half stuff is really killing me.”
I know, babe. I know. xoxoxoxo
Finns last blog post..In Which I Realize Something I’d Rather Not Have
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May 18th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Hang in there…..I definitely feel what you do about the inside jokes and him getting you…..G and I were that way….even though what we are going through as people is on extremely opposite ends of the spectrum we are feeling alot of the same emotions ….I’m rooting for you…
Kims last blog post..Congratulations !!!!
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May 18th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Right now, you’re dealing with a blank slate. You can fill it with whatever you’d like. You’re reclaiming your life — and redefining it.
And it’s honestly and truly all yours. And as wonderful as it sounds, that clean slate… fucking scary as hell. Really scary.
I know you have a fabulous support system out there, and I’m here if you need.
Nats last blog post..Disjointed
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May 18th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I should just move into the guest room permanently. Problem solved!
Dave2s last blog post..Bullet Sunday 132
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May 18th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I don’t know what else to say today.
Poppys last blog post..Big box and Maru
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May 18th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I second Dave2 moving into your guest room.
I so want the icky part to be over for you. I remember how much I used to hate people telling me it would just take time…damn them for being right. It just sucks getting to that place and having to feel every ounce of everything to get there. I’m here for you always – just a phone call away. Screw the time zone difference, dial whenever you need to. Love you tons!
Foos last blog post..Going strong…
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May 18th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
“It’s not all ugly inside of here but it’s not all sweetness and light either. ”
Nor should it be, Hilly. All of those things you said? It’s okay to feel them. I am so sorry that you are missing Shawn and Cali so much, I won’t tell you, “It’ll be okay, you’ll be fine”, because I know you are sick of hearing that. You need to give yourself permission to feel all of those things, be angry, pissed, sad, depressed, whatever. I know you don’t know me very well at all, and my words may not say much, but I just know that I understand SOME of the things you are going through, with the weight, and being homesick.
Just wanted you to know that someone in Indiana is thinking of you, and rooting for you. Olives.
Stephanies last blog post..See Ya In The Funny Papers!
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May 18th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I feel for you, Hilly. I hope things start getting easier soon. And I hope you know that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone except yourself. Personally, I think you’re going to land far, far away from the fail pool. Hang in there!
Tracys last blog post..Is There a "Rewind" Button On This Thing?
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May 18th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
oh Hilly, i relate so much more than you know. i have no answers, but just wanted to tell you that. my life is any man’s guess at this point, but it’s still my life. i don’t think it’s guaranteed that we’ll always be happy or even purposeful. sometimes we just are. it’s ok to go through a time, just being who you are, sad, happy or indifferent.
just wanted to let you know that i stand here with you. i really do.
C
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May 18th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Have you considered weight loss surgery? I had mine done and I am very glad I had it. The surgery I had was lapband.
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May 19th, 2009 at 1:36 am
I can’t imagine how you feel. I have some of the same problems, the weight due to eating problems away, mine were all about homesickness and culture shock though. Living in a place I’ll probably never feel at all at home in.
I do still have my husband though and he and I have the same relationship you described. I live in fear of losing that though because I’ve given up so much FOR it. I figure I’d feel equally shattered.
As for the weight thing, I found one thing you said really interesting, about being bothered by people you wouldn’t be normally. Just last night I sat here wondering why I can’t just truly LIKE all my friends. They are good people but they irritate the shit out of me. Maybe it is because of some inner aggro I have because of my weight too, I never really thought of that.
Breighs last blog post..My Ten Secret Thoughts
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May 19th, 2009 at 6:38 am
I think moving so far away from your comfort zone and what you’ve known for so long is difficult enough, without the added pain of the divorce.
I may be totally off base, but I think you need to let yourself go through the grieving process and be kind to yourself.
I know when I moved cross country, I had a very hard time adapting and adjusting because “it wasn’t Las Vegas” and it wasn’t “what I’m used to and it’s not familiar and comfortable”
Once I started being a little more patient with myself and stopped beating myself up for feeling that way, it got a little easier.
As for the broken heart, I think patience & love from your friends and family will help with that. It takes time and love to heal that.
You are a brave, beautiful woman and you have done something a lot of people don’t have the strength to do.
As for the weight issue, I think taking on one thing at a time might be helpful. Making too many changes at once could be overwhelming you and so it doesn’t help with the fluctuation of the weight.
You can do this. And I like how you put in there that your life is not totally miserable. Because it shows you are being rational and logical at the same time as letting yourself feel the emotions.
Now that I’ve written a mini post in your comments….I hope you have a great day!
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May 19th, 2009 at 9:31 am
You will always miss California and you will always, in some way, miss your husband, I think. You’ll miss what you had, what you wanted to have – all of it. I think it will always be there on some level.
I know that doesn’t sound very comforting – but I guess what I’m trying to do is give you permission to feel that way. When I have those feelings a lot of time I feel guilty – like it means I’m not happy now or don’t appreciate what I have now or SOMETHING. And that just compounds the sadness of missing something you don’t have anymore.
Also – re: the fragile thing?
Ummm… would it make you feel any better to know that I don’t usually tip toe around you out of fear that you’ll break? I tip toe around you out of fear that I’ll annoy you or piss you off or something. I’m scared OF you – not FOR you. Is that better?? LOL
And I don’t think you’re cute.
I think you’re stunning.
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May 19th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I’m really glad you posted this. I hope putting it out here for us to read and give you support helps in some way.
When I moved from CA to WA I felt a lot of the same things you are feeling. Missing CA SO MUCH and crying a lot. The adjustment was hard. I liked it here but it didn’t feel like home. It took a good year of stumbling and falling, loneliness and crying, starts and stops and a few trips back to CA to really get my footing. I am here to tell you it does get better and you will feel better about yourself and your living situation. It just takes time. And if you’re anything like me, the impatience is what will nag at you. Hang in there.
Missing Shawn makes perfect sense and I’m so sorry you’re hurting in that way. I wish there was some way for us to take that pain away but there’s a part of me that wants to say that in feeling that much sadness, it means you felt that much for him. And loving someone and sharing your life is a tremendous honor and gift and feeling sad that it is gone is human.
I know you are a resilient, strong, kick ass woman and you will get through this but know that people are here to lean on if and when you want support. (I struggle with allowing people to be there for me too.)
xoxox
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:27 am
I’ve been there. I know it is hard but you WILL survive… no, not just survive, you will thrive. I have every faith in you.
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I am proud of you for saying all that. Even if I knew all that was stressing me out, I am not sure that I’d be brave enough to articulate it all so clearly.
Yes, it takes. And work. But you are so fortunate to be in a place where you have the chance to start a new. As scary as it is, deep down I bet you know all the good things that are in your future.
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I am so sorry you are hurting right now. The way you described it so clearly made me feel probably a small fraction of what you are feeling. That really hurts so I can only imagine what you are feeling and I am sorry.
I know what you mean about missing those things. They are your “home” and it takes time to build a new one. Moving on is great but it takes time for everything to be settled and feel safe again. You are very brave and I admire you like crazy both for making the changes and also for writing about how you feel about it all.
radioactive toris last blog post..If It Wasn’t For Bad Luck
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May 19th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I’m with Britt. Stunning. You really are. I know you don’t believe it, but if enough people tell you, maybe I teensy bit will sink in.
No real piece of assvice or word of encouragement – just stay busy. Let your friends take care of you.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Consider this a photography blog: Day 6 – Weekly Winners
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May 19th, 2009 at 11:24 am
I can only relate to some of this, but I can say unequivocally that you ARE in fact gorgeous. Now that I’ve met you, I speak with authority.
As for the rest? Everything else will simply sound like an empty platitude.
All I’m offering is a big virtual hug, and let you know that I’m thinking about you.
xoxo
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May 19th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I wish you could see yourself how I see you, how others see you…
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May 19th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
We have more in common than I ever realized, dude.
I don’t want to repeat what’s been said here already or say something that doesn’t sound authentic.
What I will say is sometimes we forget that we’re allowed to feel. You’ve done more in the past few months than some people have done in their entire lives…give yourself credit for not only doing it, but surviving it all. I see you settling in and surging forward, if that makes any sense.
It will all come together, I promise.
I have said this before, and I will say it again…you’re one of a kind, Hilly – and I feel blessed to be able to experience this process with you.
Robins last blog post..Wishing and hoping….
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May 19th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Just keep living.
I don’t mean this to sound flippant. On the contrary, sometimes it’s really hard and it’s all you can do. Just keep living. And things will get better. Time will move forward and you will get to another place that feels differently.
lizrizs last blog post.."My Boys" tonight – P.J. Does Girls’ Night
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May 19th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
You’ve been through a number of huge changes in the last little while. Huge. Of course it’s scary – it’s supposed to be. You’ll find your footing but until you do, you’re allowed to feel all over the place. It’ll all fall into place eventually…
Big hugs my friend.
suzes last blog post..cut me in quadrants, leave me in the corner…
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May 19th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
so, while I was leaving that last comment, I was listening to the new Tori CD, and this line popped out at me and knowing your love of Tori as I do, thought I’d share:
“Change waltzes in with her sister Pain/Waiting for you to send her away/Wish her well break the chain…”
suzes last blog post..cut me in quadrants, leave me in the corner…
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May 19th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
[...] inner and outer peace as we all rise from the ashes of our soon to be former selves. Sizzle and Snackie have also put fingers to keyboard and bravely poured their guts out (I highly encourage clicking on [...]
May 19th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I think there are many stages of loss. Not only have you lost a husband, but you have lost a life once lived and lost a little piece of yourself. I think it’s common to go through the many stages of grief as you begin writing your next chapter in life. Here’s hoping you can trust yourself to make the right decisions and move forward with life!
SoMi’s Nilsas last blog post..Favorites
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May 20th, 2009 at 1:15 am
You are a beautiful, funny, smart, wonderful soul.
You are.
flutters last blog post..Dear Body (the second edition)
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May 20th, 2009 at 2:50 am
I love you.
That’s all I got.
Sarahs last blog post..Something
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May 20th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Not to be reductive, but essentially everything you’ve listed boils down to this: You miss the familiar. Of course there are intricacies and tiny pieces, but nothing around you right now is what you have known for the last x years. Even your own self and your own body.
It isn’t that time heals all wounds; it’s that the person you will become when that time has passed will have learned to live with the scars. Time doesn’t do a damn thing, it just passes like it always does.
You will be that person, and in some ways already are. In the meantime, be happy and sad and angry and lonely. Let yourself feel what you feel – without fighting it.
I wish you all the peace in the world that’s yours to have.
And I know this is somewhat out of place, but I can’t help it:
bos last blog post..revenge of the shit
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May 21st, 2009 at 2:03 am
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May 21st, 2009 at 9:54 am
Hopefully all these supportive comments help a little. And it’s awesome that they’re better than “you go girl!” or “hang in there” or crap like that.
Um, well, see ya. hang in there.
whalls last blog post..It’s hard to say, but… goodbye
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May 21st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’m sorry it’s all been so rough for you. But, and I pray I’m right, it’s gotta get better. It really will. Even though you miss your husband and California, moving to Florida for a fresh start is a good thing. It’ll give you some perspective and a chance to figure things out away from the stresses you knew out there.
kapgars last blog post..Or else it gets the hose again…
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May 24th, 2009 at 10:32 am
this was one hell of a powerful piece, hilly. i have no doubt that things are going to work out exactly as you want them to.
hello haha narfs last blog post..HNT – I Return With My 49th HNT Post
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May 26th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Sarcasticas last blog post..My Decision
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May 29th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
This is such a huge transition, it;s completely normal for you to feel this way! I hope you continue to feel everything out, let those emotions out, and heal slowly. I know that sounds hokey pokey, but I believe it
kilaxs last blog post..Friday Question #68
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