June 1st, 2009
“Even though I’m not the skinniest bitch on the planet, I’ve never had any problem getting men”, I proudly said as I looked into his eyes. I wasn’t sure how many times he’d heard this line before but I’m sure the count was up to “enough to never hear it again” or “yeah yeah, we get it…you’re confident“. Truthfully, I never thought using phrases like that made me look weak in any way because I believed in my heart of hearts that it was never about me.
“Even though I’m chubba-lubba-ding-dong, I’m still totally cute”
“Although I’m fat, I still like to do active things!”
“While I may be chunky, I’m still funky bitches!”
“Even though I’m not the skinniest bitch on the planet, I’ve never had issues finding love.”
Nay nay, whenever I pull out one of those phrases, it’s generally about trying to convince someone who hates her flaws that she should overlook them, find her confidence and own it because you know, that’s what makes women sexy. Never mind the fact that I preface every good thing I say about myself with a conjunctive phrase of suck. Holy crap, I mean…can you imagine living a life that is free of self-deprecating conjunctions? Okay well, maybe you do but uh, I don’t think I’m doing quite so well in that department.
Clearly, I can take a complement. When someone says, “You are beautiful“, I can just say thank you and move along. If someone compliments my clothing, my hair, my buffalo stance? I’m the picture of grace and thankfulness. However, if I am at the crossroads between deciding to tell you how awesome I look versus how awesome I look despite the fact that blah blah plus blah equals blah? Yeah, I’ll take deprecation for a thousand!
Earlier this week when I finally heard bells and whistles then bonked myself on the forehead in true “V-8 style”, I realized that the plain and simple truth of the matter is that I do it because I am fat and I truly loathe my body. Or yanno, loath-ed. Past tense because I’m working on it and stuff. The simplest psychological reason that we’ve all heard of time and time again is to point out my flaws before someone else does it. For some reason, I feel as if I have to say, “Even though I know I am a big fat ass and you are thinking there is no way she gets dudes, it’s totally true!”. How sad is that? I’m standing there quantifying myself when you never asked me to. Most likely you love me just the way I am, fat and all.
The problem is that I don’t love myself. I’m getting there but I’m sailing on the slow rowboat to China. Over the last month, I’ve managed to lose about 10 pounds…sure, it’s not enough to make you stand up and take notice, but it’s enough for me to feel something inside of me that I haven’t felt in a long time (in this area): pride. I’ve actually stayed true to my Weight Watchers plan for three weeks come Wednesday and you know what else? I’m working out each and every day now. Rather than sitting and whining about it like I have for the last year? I’m progressing. I feel the difference this time because I’m not trying to race to Skinnyville…nope, all I want is to get healthy. The rest will come like lightening. I know this because I did this once before.
Sometimes I get tripped up though, like when I find old pictures of how much thinner I used to be. Ya know, I’ve never been skinny. Not ever. I don’t want to be skinny either. All I want is to get down to a comfortable weight, one where I like myself. Size 12? Size 14? Okay, that works for me. I’ll never be petite nor do I need to be. Anydoodle, sheesh…I found an old picture of myself. To be exact, it’s like only three years old. I then emailed my friend Mew and asked her if she had a picture that she took of me recently so I could make a side by side post comparison.
When I opened up both windows and stuck them together, I bawled. But you know what? I didn’t weep because I was scared of doing this thing or because of the fact that my now self looks like I ate my former self. No, I cried because quite honestly, how miserable were the last few years of my life and how did I not notice it being that bad before it was too late?
And also, just so you know, I cried because I’m 100% completely sure that this time it’s going to stick if I just focus on being healthy and nothing else. There are only 50 pounds standing between the second picture and the first. That’s it. I’ve taken the simplest thing and have made it so hard for far too long. I’m done hiding myself behind every excuse possible and am done hiding who I really am.
So hi, I’m Hilly. I currently weigh 268 pounds and don’t care what you think of that. I’m working on it. Oh and? I can still totally get dudes.
Naked Kisses,
Me
72 Responses to “You Want “Real”? Let’s Disco, Bitches…”
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
By contrast, I love myself entirely too often.
Dave2s last blog post..Bullet Sunday 134
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I think you’re awesome. Doing things for you and what you think about yourself is so much better than doing it for ANY other reason. And knowing what YOU want out of it (and being honest about that), is even better.
So, um, yeah, you rock.
Gingers last blog post..The miracle of sleep
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I wish you nothing but happiness.
And that is not a weight specific thing.
I have been a “big” girl my whole life. It has taken me A LONG time to be comfortable in my own skin. I think it takes being miserable to realize when there ARE good things going on.
themuttprincesss last blog post..Hello my pretties.
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:52 pm
You look gorgeous. Seriously.
That smile is worth billions…
*snuggles*
Ayoubs last blog post..Question of the Day
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I want to be just like you. And, I’m being damned truthful about that. You seriously rock.
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Hilly, that is so awesome that will put your weight and your battle with it out there for everyone to read. Just about everyone struggles with weight, eating and exercise. I love your new attitude about it!! You’re right, it should be about being healthy. I’ve often wondered if WW works, and have thought about going to a meeting to find out more.
You are gorgeous because your inner self shines through.
Beckys last blog post..Doing What?
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June 1st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I actually think you look BETTER in the “now” photo. Healthier. Happier. More radiant.
Just my $0.02
amandarins last blog post..Endings and Beginnings
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Just Me Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 1:02 am
I was thinking the same thing….and was hoping someone else did too
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Hilly, I know it’s a cliche. . . but you look beautiful in both pictures because the “inner you” shines through. Truly.
Having said that. . . here’s to health!
Ss last blog post..It’s on
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Awesome! I’m glad for you, Hilly. I think the weight thing is a side-effect of how unhappy you were, but you’ve moved forward from that situation, and I’m betting that you will make the best of your new here-and-now. Cheers!
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Ah my little one, I was thinking the same thing that amandarin said – you look HAPPIER now.
Sweet darling, do you not know that real beauty comes in ALL shapes and sizes and colors and configurations? That’s what makes it beauty. But yes, by all means, get HEALTHY. Because I want you to FEEL good.
Sorry. Mama-blather going on here……
Nannas last blog post..Grandiose Post and Random Drivel
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:12 pm
You are an amazing,smart and absolutely gorgeous girl.
Xoxoxo
ps.. go read my current post. You are mentioned.
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
you are beautiful Hilly. Now you just need to find your “happy”. I wish that for you!
danas last blog post..And Then I LOL’d
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:28 pm
I’ve been working on it too. I realize my ex and I sat around too much, and now that I left him and I am not depressed, I can focus on it so much easier.
But I always have had troubles getting dudes.
Lyndas last blog post..A Toy Story
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
I’m SO glad you’re doing this and I totally support you. I know someone who has been EXTREMELY successful with WW. Keep up the hard work!
<3 Bre
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:35 pm
You are the second person this week that has had the lady balls to share their weight online. I applaud you for that. I’ve been considering doing the same for weeks now and just haven’t been able to type in that number and hit publish.
You may have just changed that. Thank you.
*pixie*s last blog post..Take Off Hoser
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:41 pm
The fact that you put those pictures and your weight out there, makes me admire your moxie. Not many would do that, but I agree with “Amandarin” You look so much happier.
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:53 pm
YOU GO, GIRL. I didn’t mean to type that in all caps, but I’m not fixing it, because it seems appropriate. You are awesome, and I hope that you find joy on your journey towards health & happiness!
Tracys last blog post..Is There a "Rewind" Button On This Thing?
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June 1st, 2009 at 5:59 pm
I’m right there with Amandarin and Metalmom!
Geeky Tai-Tais last blog post..Bacon-Flavored Vodka Comes To Town – Digital City – Local Lifestyle & Entertainment News
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June 1st, 2009 at 6:00 pm
(healthy ones. honest!)
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June 1st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I think you look beautiful in both pictures. 50 pounds up or down doesn’t change the person you are inside.
Keep up the workouts and keep doing it for the right reasons.
We’ll get there.
MBs last blog post..Looks Like Snow
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June 1st, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Sure you are a stunning looking woman Hilly. The very best of luck to you at weight watchers also.
J from Irelands last blog post..Irish Summer
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June 1st, 2009 at 6:20 pm
God Hilly, I love you. You fucking rock.
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June 1st, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Hilly – I cannot tell you how often I do the same thing. And you have finally told me why I do it, even though I think I knew but pretended I didn’t because I try so hard to be positive and self-loving. Instead of self-loathing.
I miss having that pride. It is so easy for me to live in my head and cut off the reality of my growing body and then be totally STUNNED when that super cute shirt I wore all last summer is extremely tight across the boobage and too “short” for me to feel comfortable.
Too short meaning “totally exposing the FUPA”.
This really hit home. I want to go to where you are…that level of acceptance of where you are. XO
LauraBoras last blog post..Gotta Get Back On The Horse – Again.
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I fluffed up and did the photo comparison too…I think we view things differently than others, because we attach so much more to past photos. I’m glad you are getting back to daily exercise. I really think it’s the key to shifting from negative to positive feelings about our bodies. Doing rather than thinking…love ya to pieces and back. You can do this!
foos last blog post..Checking in…
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:03 pm
The slow rowboat to China line actually made me laugh. You come up with the awesomest phrases.
And I think it’s great that you’ve already lost 10 pounds!
Avitables last blog post..Pamela the Luscious Love Doll
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
You are so right when you say we are at the same place. There is no way in Hell I would have shared my number if I didn’t really believe that I am doing this and that no one and nothing is going to stop me!
I look forward to this continued journey TOGETHER.
xo
Bobs last blog post..Well ain’t that a kick in the head?
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Rock on, Hilly. I believe in you.
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: there are many qualities about you which I strive to reach. This is one of them.
I don’t think I’m quite at the point where I can post something like this online. But you know what? One of these days I hope to. With numbers and everything. I’m glad there’s someone whom I admire who can show me that it can be done.
Me. Proud. You.
shinys last blog post..List on the 3s: Thi(ng)s I Believe…
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Can I say that you look much happier in the second picture. Seriously, if I had to pick one chick to have drinks with it would be #2.
I needed this post today.
Nats last blog post..I see music…
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June 1st, 2009 at 7:29 pm
For some reason the second photo isn’t loading for me but whatever. It doesn’t matter because what matters is your commitment to loving yourself because that’s at the core of all of this. (I RELATE!) I’m glad we’re kicking our own asses simultaneously. It helps to read about your struggles and your victories.
And fuck yeah you can get guys, hot mama!
sizzles last blog post..Window To the Soul
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June 1st, 2009 at 8:22 pm
You can do whatever the hell you want. I thank you for letting me see your process. It’s incredibly inspiring!
You
Sybil Laws last blog post..Birthday!
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June 1st, 2009 at 8:54 pm
What a beautiful smile!
Confidence is the key. Because even when I had a 24-inch waist, I had a hard time getting dudes. Why? Because I didn’t have the confidence.
Congratulations on the 10 pounds. And for resolving to get HEALTHY. That’s the most important thing. It’s the only thing.
Finns last blog post..What He Said
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June 1st, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I think I found the 10 pounds you lost, by the way.
Right around my belly.
My woman has been fighting a battle with the scales for as long as I’ve known her. I think she looks great (as do you), but she doesn’t want to hear it. She also doesn’t want to do anything about it, so…I just wish her peace one of these days.
B.E. Earls last blog post..Get off yer asses!
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June 1st, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Life’s too short to care what the scale says. A minute wasted worrying about your weight is a minute you could have spent doin’ it.
Poppys last blog post..Where I was today until 12pm instead of at work
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June 1st, 2009 at 10:09 pm
ditto – you look great in both photos, regardless of what you weighed… 10 pounds is nothing to complain about and i’m jealous that you’ve worked out everyday… i need to get on the ball!
(HUG)
jodis last blog post..wish i could change my outlook as easy as this blog
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June 1st, 2009 at 10:18 pm
10 lbs weight loss is awesome!!! I have the same issues as you and reading this post made me feel less alone.
good luck to you!
Ss last blog post..Sunday afternoon….
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June 1st, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Hilly, you are a beautiful woman.
And I could have written all of what you said. Especially lately. I just spoke my true weight out loud and my asshole husband failed miserably in the response category, but, in hindsight, maybe that is what I needed to do. Say it out loud, publish it to my blog and then own it. One step at a time. I did 12 minutes of jazzercise last night after browsing Youtube for videos. My goal is to get back down to 150 lbs by October. Maybe we can do it together.
usedtobemes last blog post..Yes, this is exactly how I feel today
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June 1st, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Good for you, Hilly. SO PROUD OF YOU!
Leslee
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June 2nd, 2009 at 1:26 am
Dude. you’re hot.
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June 2nd, 2009 at 1:31 am
You, sistah friend, rock the mutha-fucking disco!
floatingprincesss last blog post..Quickie
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June 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 am
That’s all I came here to say and give you one of these
Sarahs last blog post..The Birthday Post
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June 2nd, 2009 at 6:12 am
I see Hilly in both pictures. New Hilly has fan-fucking-tastic hair.
She also looks happy.
Happy is beautiful no matter the weight.
jesters last blog post..Funniest thing you’ll see today
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June 2nd, 2009 at 6:48 am
I think you look better in picture two or maybe happier.. but anyhoo…. I think it’s awesome that you put your weight. Even as someone who had weight loss surgery, I don’t remember EVER putting my weight down. I know I put my beginning and total, but never what I currently weight. Though, yeah, anyone with mathmatical skills or a calculator can figure THAT out. You really are a great blogger (and probably a pretty cool person too).
Lins last blog post..ARMY STRONG!!! Indeed…??
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June 2nd, 2009 at 7:02 am
I really think you look beautiful in both photos. Fun and approachable. BUT – if you are unhappy with you, you do need to make the change, and it sounds like you are ready.
Three weeks of healthy eating! Great job! You know, they say it takes 21 days to build a new habit
kilaxs last blog post..Attacked by birds
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June 2nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
You seriously are my freaking hero!
Karens last blog post..Is He Full Of Crap?
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June 2nd, 2009 at 8:03 am
How awesome are you? (rhetorical because clearly you are quite awesome)
I think you are beautiful in both pictures. I love your courage in your life and also the way you are pushing forward and making changes to make your life happier and to make you feel good about you. I wish you luck in continuing to make the changes you want to make…even though I think you are perfect just the way you are.
radioactive toris last blog post..Unrelated Items
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June 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 am
It’s weird that you posted this now because I was just thinking yesterday that it’s strange how often you and I end up talking about weight. I have really close friends who weigh more than you – and the subject never comes up.
Anything I can do to support you on this, let me know.
Miss Britts last blog post..Goodbye Cymbalta, Hello Shopping Marathon
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June 2nd, 2009 at 9:07 am
First of all, holy hell – you do NOT look like you are 268 honey! And second of all, I am SO PROUD OF YOU for sharing your weight and writing this post… and too, you said so many of the things that I have been thinking about since, well – forever. *You inspired me to write a post today. Stay tuned.
I have always had a very very very hard time accepting my weight. I have always been a big girl, I’m 5′9″ and was 250.0 lbs in late 2006/early 2007 – and that was my highest weight ever. Growing up with parents who aren’t chubby like me, was very hard. My mom has never weighed over 160, and she’s about 5′8″ and she’s a fun hip mom, and my dad is just big boned (really, ha!)… but, I feel you, I know what you’re saying… I got it.
And sometimes it’s so DAMN hard, but to be completely honest… the day I finally decided to be open and honest about my weight, was nearly the biggest relief I had done in a long ass time.
…*going to write my post now, thanks to you.*…
You’re the best… you and I think so much alike, it’s scary. You say things as if I’m thinking about them right here in my own little head. 
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June 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 am
Oh, and? You are beautiful and gorgeous and down right amazing… Hilly is Hilly whether you’re 268 lbs, 170 lbs or 500 lbs. It is what it is, and you are the sweet sweet Hilly! That is why you’re so loved!
You are an inspiration to others for so much. I hope you know that.
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June 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 am
I’d hit it
furiousballs last blog post..a visit from a doe
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June 2nd, 2009 at 9:22 am
[...] Tuesday I weighed myself and the scale read 224 lbs. (I figure if Tomato and Snackie and put their weights out there then so can I. GULP!) Today when I weighed myself the scale said [...]
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:43 am
This was wonderful to hear, good for you! I wrote such a negative post about my weight recently because that is how I feel. I try so hard to be optimistic but I haven’t found a way to do it yet. I’m so glad you wrote this, it always helps to know you aren’t alone.
http://www.lifeisnotamovie.net/2009/05/05/the-real-me/
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June 2nd, 2009 at 9:52 am
I think you look great. I’m sure you look great naked too, but since Karl didn’t get any pictures of you last time he visited and saw you, well I guess we’ll just have to leave that to our imagination.
I have some to similar realizations through photos of myself that my body has changed a lot in the past few years, and not so much for the better. It happens.
I am on a 50 pound weight loss track too, Good luck with yours. I look forward to hearing your progress.
g-mans last blog post..WWC: Yellow & In my Wallet
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June 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
The hair! The necklace! The smile!
You’re frickin’ gorgeous woman!
I’m so happy for you and those ten pounds – here’s to many more!
xoxo
Sheila (Charm School Reject)s last blog post..Status Update
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June 2nd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Hi Hilly
My name is Lisa and I weigh 252 lbs. At the beginning of the year I weighed 260 and decided to get healthy and practice intuitive eating. I don’t comment much because I don’t feel like I have much exciting to say, but just wanted you to know I am 1000% confident that you will continue to get healthy and love Hilly, just as we all love you. I know more weight loss will come with that and I will be cheering you on every day.
Congrats on the 10 lb loss – you are awesome!!!!
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June 2nd, 2009 at 1:00 pm
This post is a whole lot of awesome, just like you! Congrats on the new sense of resolve – your attitude is inspiring.
jennys last blog post..Lost
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June 2nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Well, Jenny said it so well above me, but I’ll take a shot anyway. Congrats on committing to getting healthier. That’s awesome.
claires last blog post..Want
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June 2nd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I too prefer the second picture, but it could simply be a better photo. You certainly seem happier in that shot.
I’m glad you’re progressing well on a goal you have chosen and that it makes you happy. That’s really the most important thing.
Rens last blog post..Macro Monday #12
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June 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
You look beautiful in both of those pictures.
Get healthy, Get strong, Go you! But truly, you look beautiful in both of those pictures.
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June 2nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Said this before, but will say it again…
I think you look fantastic in that second photo.
If anyone thinks there’s something wrong with that, to heck with ‘em.
SwanShadows last blog post..Comic Art Friday: I hear red thunder
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June 2nd, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Funny, when I skimmed this in Reader, I just thought, “Huh, Hilly’s hair and jewelry look so pretty!”
That said, you *get* that there’s more to the weight than…the weight. And I know you’re working it out, uh huh.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
This is some powerful stuff, my friend. Raw. Emotional. Honest. Just the way I like you. Be good to you and you’ll find that happy medium again. And oh yeah, your hair now? Rocks! (Just saying that some things do get better with age!)
SoMi’s Nilsas last blog post..Hood
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June 3rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Your style, grace and personality make you incredibly attractive, but, whatever, you totally know that. I just admire how you’re facing head on what you don’t like about yourself. Incredibly brave, incredibly cool and incredibly Hilly.
Also? I’m so glad I was able to calm down after reading “I may be chunky, but I’m still funky, bitches” long enough to read the rest of the post. That shit was fun-nay.
Faiqas last blog post..Thirty One Weeks And Counting… A Bullet Post
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June 4th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I can’t wait to do this
when you get here.
Turnbabys last blog post..The Experience of a Lifetime
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June 4th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
that’s exactly it: health, not numbers. moving toward health means loving yourself — moving towards numbers means pleasing others.
priorities.
olives.
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June 5th, 2009 at 8:08 am
I love your honesty. You know that, right?
kapgars last blog post..Seas would rise when I gave the word…
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June 7th, 2009 at 5:17 am
[...] to make the most hilarious gif make me bust my uterus.Hilly, over at Snackie’s World with You Want “Real”? Let’s Disco, BitchesHilly is just generally bad ass. That is all.Thank you, all of you for being brave, being real and [...]
June 7th, 2009 at 5:23 am
you’ve been featured on fabulous flutters
http://byflutter.com/?p=863
flutters last blog post..fabulous flutters 6-7-09
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June 7th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Hi, my name is Jodi, and I’ve recently gained about 30 lbs in the last 9 months, 15+ of that in the last 3. And my weekly weigh-in has remained the same for the last 4 weeks.
Jodis last blog post..Sims 3
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June 10th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
This weight thing, it ain’t easy. I just got the Beck Diet Plan, which uses cognitive therapy ideas to help lose weight…wish me luck!
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June 13th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I’m finally de-lurking here to tell you how much I love this post. Beautiful.
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