July 10th, 2009
Some of you may laugh.
Some of you may roll your eyes.
Some of you may stare in slack-jawed disbelief.
Some of you, however, may nod your head and totally get where I am coming from.
Over the last week or so, there’s been a wind of change inside of me and I’m starting to finally understand from where it blows. Animosities that I’ve held onto for so long are seeming to melt away like butter on hot corn and each time that happens, a little bit of the anger inside of me dies. Yes it’s very true that I’m still extremely cynical, jaded and completely wary but at the same time, I’ve spent too much time hardening my heart for the wrong reasons. Earlier today, I wrote a couple of emails, attempting to close gaps and mend fences and all of that good stuff and one of my main sentences that showed up again and again was, “There is nothing that cannot be forgiven”.
I know that some would argue that there are things too heinous to be forgiven but I’m fully of the opinion that forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about ourselves. Now then, I am a little weird in the fact that I don’t necessarily like it when people say, “Oh I forgive but I never forget!”. I’m not sure how you can truly forgive someone if you are not willing to at least TRY to forget. In my personal life, forgetting isn’t about being naive enough to stand in front of the man who raped me, willing him to do it again. No, forgetting is about putting something hurtful behind you in order to move forward, especially when that one thing is the obstacle standing between you and a million other little good things.
I know, I know…it’s idealistic and many of you won’t agree. However, this is how I choose to live my life. This is who I choose to be. I’m tired of holding on to things that mean absolutely nothing yet darken corners of my heart and soul. I’m done letting fragments of time that include bad judgments and harsh words to become the focus of my whole relationship with someone. I’m not saying that I won’t still look out for number one and protect myself from the harshness some others always tend to bring but you know, I’m letting a lot of stuff go before I turn into this bitter person who gives up everything good in her life over principal.
With that said, I’ve talked to Dave a little bit about being “right-acting” and “right-speaking” and I think this is a path that I’ll eventually follow. Now then, here is where you may laugh at me but I really don’t care. Not only do I want to follow the principles above, but I also want to be more Christ-like. Saying that doesn’t mean that I want to start being the Queen of the Holly Roll, it just means that I want to start doing things in a more kind manner. I want to treat people better. I want to have an open heart that is full of the forgiveness that it used to be.
In the last few years of my life, I got lost. I’ve been acting as far from Christian as possible and it’s eating away at me in a way that I never thought it could. Doing the right thing is hard. I mean, wow. I will tell you what though…just by changing the littlest reactions to others this week, I feel lighter. Burdens are lifting from my soul one by one and it’s an amazing feeling. I’ve been reaching out to people who I’ve wronged, trying to make amends. Some of them will aceept and we’ll hug and kiss and be friends forever. Others will walk away from my extended hand because well…just because that is who they are. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter…as long as I try.
Um, for the record though? I’m still too smart and savvy to let you walk all over me so uh yeah, there’s that.
Peace Out Kisses,
Me
23 Responses to “A Child Of Mercy And Grace…”
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July 10th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Ooh! Buddha’s wisdom strikes again!
And now I want hot corn with butter.
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July 10th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
What a wonderful decision you have made for yourself. As long as you’re happy with the way you’re living your life, it doesn’t matter what others think.
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July 10th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
sounds like a fantastic plan. one can never go wrong by trying to make their attitude a positive one.
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July 10th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Totally get it.
I think you’re in the right direction, because it can never be wrong to put out more love than anger, right (or however you wanna put it)?
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July 10th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
I’m trying to do this too, to be true to my heart – how can it be wrong. I need to forgive myself for past wrong-doings and live for the future. No regrets.
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July 10th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Whether you believe he was the son of God or not, Jesus was an amazing guy that we should all try to emulate.
“And in the end, the love you take/is equal to the love you make.” One of my favorite Beatles lines.
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July 10th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I would never laugh at you for wanting to be more Christ-like–I think it is beautiful.
However, like Dave I am now craving hot buttered corn.
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July 10th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I’m so glad I started reading your blog.
Several months ago I too decided to live by these standards. Hard isn’t the word sometimes, but the rewards are so worth it.
For example a bone deep enemy out of the blue wrote me to apologize for a an act of unspeakable betrayal. Normally I’d be like hmm yeah whatever long list of bad names, but because I’ve opened my heart we both have peace. That and once someone apologizes it’s either forgive or carry the hate alone and well I’ll not have that!
Lighter is a great word to describe the feeling. Wishing for you the best in life.
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July 10th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
So is this your subtle way of telling me that you’re not mad at me because Jesus wouldn’t be?
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July 10th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
damned straight, baby.
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July 10th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
I agree 100% that forgiveness is not about the other person, it’s about us.
Now I’m craving some corn on the cob. *le sigh* May have to go to the store tomorrow.
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July 10th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Spirituality and how to live your life is totally your own now…
Some really inspirational texts about this out there.
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July 10th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I wish the world were filled with more idealists! Moving forward with love and forgiveness in your heart will be transformative.
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July 10th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
This is wonderful.
And, uh, what kind of jerk would laugh at something like this or discourage you? It would be like… telling someone not to eat their vegetables. Ridiculous.
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July 11th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I love that we have this in common. You’re one of the few people I feel like I can identify with about these kind of things because – well, a lot of stuff that is too long to discuss via comment.
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July 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
So basically…
Don’t Worry, Be Happy?
DOOOOOOO-doo-do-do-doo-do-dooo-do-dooo-du-du-di-dooooo
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July 11th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I’ve worked a lot of right thought and right speech, and while I have a hard time with it, it has been getting easier.
I think there’s a difference between the idea that people will forgive but not forget, and putting the hurtful things in the past and moving on with your relationship. I think, at first anyway, those things still color how you react to that person for a while at least. For me, as much as I want to just move on from a hurtful thing with a person I love, I can’t help being cautious at first, testing the waters so to speak, to see if it might happen again. It takes a while to build my trust back up, but it happens and then everything is alright again. It may be different, but it’s alright.
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July 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Thank you for this post and the reminder!
Although I have no grudges that I’m holding against others, and don’t have any apologies that need to be made… Your post translates (for me) to worry too – something I struggle with. Letting things go (worry) like grudges, will free me up to let the bigger and better things in.
So, thanks!
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July 11th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Ya know, this is something that I have been dealing with slash having an inner battle with myself lately.
And I get it – totally truly get it.
xoxo
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July 11th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Very well said. Good luck with your continued changes in life.
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July 11th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Sounds like you’re on the right track, & doing awesome. Also Christ-like is…um…kindergarten?
The Golden Rule…treat others as you would like to be treated. I like that too. 
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July 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
This is a great idea and a wonderful perspective. I wish I could do it too. I will forgive people too but it takes me very long and they need to have at least made an effort to show that they were sorry. It’s very hard to explain the way I go about it.
However, lately I have discovered that I’ve been walked on and mistreated by people who did not deserve me to start with and I let them. I am at the stage where I need to focus on me more and try to do the best for me, see things from my point of view and not try to see why and defend those who mistreat(ed) me. I feel so immature saying this but yeah, when it comes to interactions I still put others first and myself last. And as if that wasn’t enough, I can’t do confrontations.
I have a long way to go but you are definitely there.
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
You can be a good, authentic person and not be a doormat. I fully believe that and strive to be that daily.
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