July 13th, 2009
Sij tells me that you’ve written a letter addressed to “The Jones Girls” and in that letter you’ve basically detailed our failures as human beings. You wrote of how terrible your recent life has been and how you just can’t understand why your “girls” would treat you so badly and why they want nothing to do with you.
Your tendency to martyr yourself? Check.
In attempting to make yourself look like the victim once again, you lashed out at both of us, using such cruelty that I don’t even fathom how you can wonder why we don’t come around. If you are indeed destitute, homeless, sick, sad and want to have some reconciliation with us, how about not berating us in the process? Wouldn’t it just have been easier to hold out your hand and say, “I’m sorry and I really need help. I really need to feel loved?”. Instead you tore down each of us in your own way, my favorites being:
• “I even attend AA meetings to try to understand why you and your Dad feel the need to live off the bottle”
• “I don’t take mental health drugs because I’m too depressed or anxious to deal with the world”
Your need to utilize guilt trips as your weapon of choice? Check check.
For a second, as split as it was, I felt sorry for you. I was ready to get your information from Sij, track you down and offer to help you in any way possible…giving you money, letting you stay at my home, or other stupid humanitarian acts that would be best given to much more deserving and thankful people. Our whole lives, you told us that we were “broke” yet we lived the life of luxury. Come to find out, that’s because you stole and spent our inheritance (that was supposed to be used for us to go to college, worry free). You lived off of money that wasn’t yours and not only that, you lived beyond your means. When confronted with this, you batted your eyes like a shocked little Bambi and acted genuinely hurt that we’d think such a thing. Tsk Tsk, Mom…by then your act was old and translucent.
Your raw cruelty? Check check check.
If you want to know why *I* have cut you out of my life, it’s quite simple. You may be my blood. You may have given birth to me. You may have raised me to a point (when it wasn’t the nanny or Dad doing it) but you have never acted like a mother. I don’t hate you. I don’t wish you any harm. However, we get to choose what we will and won’t put up with in this life and your abuse, both mental and physical? I don’t think so.
You’ve made me hate parts of myself because I sometimes see your reflection when I look in the mirror. The manipulation, the lies, the self-destruction, the ability to hurt people with little words, the way I’m somewhat cold and distant with men who get too close. All of that stuff? I have to fight that off every single day of my life because I watched you do it for years and years without even a second thought. Granted, you gave me a quick wit, a great sense of humor and my pretty face but those aren’t enough, Mom.
• You sat us down once a week, yellow legal pad in hand, and you made us listen as you and your second husband detailed every single thing we’d done “wrong” that week, including the aspects of our personalities that “sickened you”.
• You used deadbolts to lock us inside of bedrooms or bathrooms when you felt we were “out of control”.
• You let your second husband hold me down while you beat the shit out of me. That’s the day I wised up and called Dad to live with him.
• You told Sij that she couldn’t come back home from being with Dad and I for the summer because “you were done being a parent and you’d had enough”. Who the fuck tells their child that she can’t come home because being a Mom is too tiring? No really, who does that to a young girl who doesn’t know any better? Do you know what insecurities that ignites in someone?
• When I tried to come back and live with you as an adult, you went all “single white female” on me by copying everything that I wore. You’d get mad that I wasn’t hanging out with you enough and call me things like “slut” when I’d go out on dates. Your own daughter. You called me a slut and a whore. You slowly pilfered all of my cute articles of clothing and hid them in the bottom of your closet. When I asked you about them repeatedly, you did that doe-eyed thing again and acted appalled that I was asking. When I had the balls to go into your room and dig my clothes out of the bottom of your closet, where you’d hid them? You then put a deadbolt padlock on your bedroom door as if *I* was the fucking crazy one.
You talk about Christ and spend so much time at the Christian retreat house in Marin County that I’m genuinely surprised at how dark and evil your soul truly is. You’ve got those people fooled into thinking that you’re a victim and that your daughters are evil. Seriously, you should not call yourself a Christian while doing the things that you do. You’re mean, spiteful and I’m pretty sure that you *should* look into getting some crazy meds. I ‘m not saying that to be mean but really, get a mirror.
It boils down to this…you don’t deserve a daughter. You don’t get the right to send a letter making me feel bad for not being there to take care of you when you are down on your luck. Through all of my trials and tribulations, every time I turned to you, you were emotionally unavailable and “taking some time away from dealing with drama”. You told me time after time how “it was all too much for you” and how it would be too hard to talk truthfully and make reparations. There are people out there in this world who aren’t even that particularly fond of me and I bet you a million dollars that they’d extend a hand if I was drowning. As my mother, you couldn’t even do that.
Sij and I think you are reading my blog and if so? Wow, just wow. You’ve had plenty of opportunities to reach out and be a fucking mother. You’ve watched my heart break and have said nothing. You’ve seen me be strong and have said nothing. You’ve known that there were moments that I could not breathe and yet, you remained silent. The only thing you’ve managed to do is send a letter that starts with, “If you think your life is so terrible, maybe you should walk in my shoes“.
Once again, it’s all about you. I can guarantee you that Sij and I have tried over and over to walk a mile in your shoes. We wanted to understand how a mother could be the way you are. We tried to be forgiving. We tried getting inside of your head. We made every excuse for you that we could. What *I* have come up with is this: you are selfish.
You had me. You raised me. But you don’t love me.
Saying and knowing that used to make me sad. But Mom? I dug right down to the bottom of my soul and I tried…but I felt nothing.
Still Wishing Your Life Some Happiness Kisses,
Hilary
44 Responses to “An Open Letter To My Mother…”
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July 13th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I could cut and paste this and send it to my father.
Sadly, I DO know how you feel.
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July 13th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Awww Hilly. I have had to deal with icky people like this in my life and it sucks.
I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this slash had to grow up like that. I’m getting all gulpy and teary eyed for you. The strength you are exhibiting in this post is astounding.
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July 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to write this letter/post.
I think it’s a testament to your character that you had to grow up in with that kind of struggle and you’ve ended up to be the amazing person that you are.
You are absolutely phenomenal Hilly.
xo
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July 13th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
You can’t pick your relatives… thankfully, you CAN choose your friends.
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July 13th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
And to think, I want to cut my brother out of my life just because he’s an idiot. You gave me some very good perspective. Excellent post.
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July 13th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
My respect and admiration for you just boiled over. I love you, Hilly.
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July 13th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I think your attitude is incredibly healthy and mature – I mean, it sounds like you had to learn to take care of yourself and you need to continue to do so. I will say this – I’m sorry the circumstances sucked, but I’m still glad they gave us the Hilly that we know and love today. ((hugs))
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July 13th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Blood does not make a relationship. The bf had to cut his parents out of his life over 10 years ago and as difficult as it was it was the best thing for him to do. You’re making the right choices, be strong as you are.
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July 13th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
this sucks. on so many levels. i’m so sorry.
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July 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Bravo, Hilly, Bravo!
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July 13th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Sounds like my FIL.
I hope she reads it, even if it still won’t make a difference. She should hear it.
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I was an adopted child who never knew either biological parent, but when it comes to my adoptive parents… yeah, I’m right there with you.
This is what I love about you, Hilly. You are self-revelatory in a way that I could never bring myself to be.
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
It sucks that you have been dealing with someone like that as a parent but it looks like you came out a winner and the bigger/better person. I hope you can put this behind you and continue with your own life.
You deserve a very big hug. Wish I was there to give you one. xo
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
I’m glad you and SIJ have each other. I’ve talked to you about all of this before and it still shocks me to see the evil things listed out in this “open” letter. I’m sorry that your Mom felt the need to contact SIJ…I’m sorry that it opens a bunch of shit during the middle of your own personal shit storm…but I am happy that you love the family that you are in contact with and that you didn’t let your mess of a mother define who you are today.
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I think it is really important that you posted this and said all this.
I am sorry you had to go through all that but see how you aren’t letting your childhood experiences rule you. You’re one of the people who rises from the ashes.
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I don’t think I can add anything else to the comments here….rather just parrot what everyone else has said. You are doing the right thing. People like that are toxic and not good for you. And like Dave said, you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends and you are surrounded by a lot of them that love you to pieces. Myself included.
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I am truly sorry you had to put up with this. You don’t anymore.
xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo ad infinitum
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July 13th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I’m so sorry that you and your sister had to grow up in that type of environment. Thankfully you are know surrounded by people who love you. *hugs*
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July 13th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
jesus, mary and joseph, i can’t even imagine.
hilly, i am so proud of you for standing up for you. proud probably isn’t the right word, but i think you know the feeling i am going for. guilt is a powerful bitch (she’s my mother, i have to do what she says), but the fact that you are strong enough to know that YOU need to be true to you is incredible. more power to you, my friend.
(i was about 16 when i broke down sobbing that i couldn’t handle my father’s bullshit. thankfully my mother stepped in and told him to fuck off because i was never strong enough to break the guilt and tell him to take a hike. your strength is admirable. and if your attitude should some day change, well, that is fine too. BUT it is so damn ok for you to take the stand that you have taken.)
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July 13th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I also hope your mother reads this. You are lucky to have your sister and dad and great friends. Not everyone gets even that much
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July 13th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Sometimes drawing a line in the sand is the hardest thing you have to do, but it’s the only way to survive. No one should have to go through what you have, and I’m sorry you’ve had such pain in your life. *hugs*
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July 13th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I have read this several times today, knowing that each time it would invoke very strong feelings about my own mother.
I will never ever understand how a mother can put her children at the bottom of a pile, throw her trash on top of them, and eventually walk away.
Our mother’s never should have had children, but I’m awfully glad they did or we wouldn’t have such great friends in each other.
I love you and I hope this letter helped you unload some of the emotional burden that you never should have been carrying in the first place.
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July 13th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I wish I had the guts to write a letter like this to my mother. She has rewritten history in her mind and wants me to believe the rewrite. I call bullsh*t but don’t want to deal with the drama of a confrontation.
You certainly don’t need to deal with any of your mother’s sh*t with everything else you are going through these days. Sometimes it is just healthier to cut the family ties.
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July 13th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
i’m sorry sweetheart. at least with my mother — who made some epic mistakes raising my brother and i — she came to the awareness of those mistakes, later in life. i think she’s still crippled by what she’s done…but at least she KNOWS. it counts for a lot, when the person who has hurt you KNOWS it and is AFFECTED by it.
so in this, i guess i have it better than you.
not that it’s any consolation.
olives.
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July 13th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Lord I envy your strength. I have written a letter to my mother and a separate one to my biological sperm donor (he’s NOT my father) several times, only to break down and not finish them.
I wish you peace, Hillybean.
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July 13th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
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July 13th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
You are such a strong woman!
This letter is evidence of what a great human you are–you are not letting someone horrible ruin your life. You have taken back control. She is not going to hurt you anymore.
Continue to be free from guilt and shame. It sounds like she was a horrible mother. You will never change how she is but you can certainly learn from it…and it sounds like you have.
Two cheers for you!!
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July 13th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Are you my long lost sister? I wrote the same letter to my mother many years ago and it was quite cathartic. I haven’t spoken to her in 15 years!
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July 13th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Wow, Hilly. You didn’t deserve this shit. Not then. Not now. It amazes me how many people are relating. There really needs to be a license to have kids.
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July 13th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
I am sad to say that I know how you feel because my mother is the same way. She has hurt me so much over the past few years that sometimes after speaking to her I feel empty inside. I have questioned my self worth in recent years more than I ever did in my teens or early twenties. I hope your mum reads this letter. And I hope that writing it has helped you. I don’t get why some mothers act this way, I really don’t.
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July 14th, 2009 at 1:17 am
you, who are so worthy of love…I am so sorry that she had and has no idea of the beautiful, bold spirit that you are.
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July 14th, 2009 at 1:32 am
How on earth does a non-parent like that get amazing offspring like you?! Good on ya, Hilly. Draw lines, breathe deep and move forward.
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July 14th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Oh sugar I so understand.
Am I wrong in getting the A Chorus Line reference?
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July 14th, 2009 at 9:22 am
This makes me very grateful for my own mother and reaffirms that parenting doesn’t just happen because you give birth to someone.
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July 14th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Just found your blog in the last couple days, and I am amazed at the strength you possess not only by living through all of this, but also by having the ability to tell the world about it.
Your father and your sister should be proud. And your mother should be ashamed of herself.
Looking forward to reading more of your blog in the future.
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July 14th, 2009 at 10:21 am
My parents threw me away over religion. I understand. It’s amazing what people will do to a kid when they think they’re never wrong.
I’m sorry, and I understand.
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July 14th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I haven’t talked to my parents in two years. Many of the reasons are right here in this post.
This is perfectly put: ‘You had me. You raised me. But you don’t love me.’ I’ve lived my entire life with that knowledge.
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July 14th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
We can only change ourselves. We are only responsible for who *we* are. Waiting around for someone to become a good person and all the while taking their hurt and bullshit is just pure lunacy. It’s like weeping over the fact that an orange tree doesn’t grow apples. An orange tree gives oranges. Not much we can do about it except for decide we like oranges or move the hell on.
Good for you, darlin’.
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July 14th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
This sounds so much like my crazy ex-MIL.
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July 14th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
**Hugs** Hilly Big Ol’ Bear (((hugs)))
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July 14th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Good woman for writing this letter, I really hope she reads it. I also hope it helped you too. I am so sorry that you and your sister had to have that bullshit growning up. I wish you the best Hilly. Take care of yourself.
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July 14th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
She sounds just like the woman most you would call my SiL. She’s accused of The Man and his brother of such awful, awful things. Then had the gall to go after The Man’s dad for more money… 20 years after the divorce, after she’d been married twice more.
I won’t let The Boy see her. I know my BiL won’t let his kids see her either.
But like you say, she’s never been a parent. She’s not here helping supporting. And that’s what we all deserve.
As hard as it is… this is probably exactly what she needs to hear, and more importantly, one important step in helping you heal perhaps?
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July 15th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Oh, what a fantastic letter!
I have something similar in mind for my father, who is now so sick that he can hardly care for himself. He NEVER cared for us as children, so our situations are different, but as an adult I am expected to help care for him.
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July 17th, 2009 at 1:57 am
Feels so very good to say it, and publish it, doesn’ it?
Sadly, I could use this to send to my own mother..so I know how you feel.
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