July 6th, 2009
I’ve been so angry lately…my insides feel like they are boiling down to the core and I’m incapable of stopping them. I’ve tried working out more than usual, listening to a “self-help” cd that my friend sent me, getting drunk on wine by myself in my living room, driving around listening to loud music and finally, trying to find the grace in small things. I know that the moon is almost full and my girlie time is about a week away but this rage inside of me feels deeper than it ever has been and I’m not sure what to do in order to make it go away. I mean, maybe I just need to feel it to figure it out but the truth is that I’m tired of being mad at the world for the smallest stupid things. I’ve honestly had to keep my mouth shut lately because you know the drill…”if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
*crickets*
Rather than dwell inside of myself today, I decided to get some things done that would actually fix the problem. So, my uninsured ass called around half of the Orlando area to find a reasonably priced “private pay” physician that specializes (or at least is knowledgeable) in anxiety, depression and the related insomnia. Oh yeah hey, have I mentioned that I hardly sleep these days but when I do get some rest, I pretty much always dream that Shawn is fucking some new chick right in front of me and laughing at me? Good times. I mean, that’s not even in his character so I have no idea where that’s coming from…except I guess I do, but I really don’t want to dive into my psyche today. Nay nay, I want to tell you a quick little story about lube and WalMart…
You see, I have never owned or operated a sex toy before. Never ever.
While trying to find ways to alleviate some of my anger, I decided that more (and possibly better) masturbation would help me out of this funk. Yes, it is totally scientific so you just shush! Anyway, I remembered that I had won this Lily “personal vibrator” from Buy-Her ages and ages ago, like before I even moved. Once I thought of it, I quickly ran to my nightstand to open the box and see what I would need to make it work. Did it need batteries? No! It has a charger! As I read further down, I realized that I needed lube. Me. Needing to go buy lube. Just dandy. I’d also never bought lube before in my life.
Yes, I know…for such a dirty girl, I’ve been pretty sheltered.
I decided to suck it up and run to Walgreen’s for some lube and saline solution. In fact, once I realized that I only wanted to go to the drugstore once this week, I started making a list of things I needed. And what do you suppose was on that list (besides the aforementioned items)??? Batteries. That’s right, I needed AA and AAA batteries and actually an A2 battery if I could find one. Fucking great, Adam had made a joke on Friday night about buying lube and batteries and here I was living in the middle of it! Once I realized that I had a somewhat embarrassing pairing, I decided to go to WalMart. Why? Because WalMart has a Self Checkout line, of course! Hey, I’m not really easily phased usually but this is Small Town Florida, not San Francisco or New York City. I really wasn’t in the mood to be eyeballed by Mavis as she clucked disapprovingly.
Anyway, zoom zoom zoom…I got in my car and just as I was approaching the WalMart, there was a fucking rainstorm. At that point in time, it would have been easier to go to Walgreen’s to avoid getting soaked but no, I waited. That’s right, I sat in my car and waited for the storm to pass so that I could go into the WalMart with the Self Checkout aisle and get my damned lube and batteries! After finally making my way inside and dashing around the store adding odds and ends to my basket, I went up to the Self Checkout line to do my business.
“Swipe. Beep. Swipe. Beep. Swipe. Beep. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. No Beep. Swipe swipe swipe”.
Ladies and Gentlemen, everything that I swiped worked out smoothly except the fucking lube! I was like, “are you fucking kidding me?”. The WalMart helper came up to see what the problem was and loudly said, “Oh your Astroglide isn’t swiping?” Fucking Mavis. Seriously, bitch? You had to call it by name? As she tried to get it to work, I frantically dug through my purse for my credit card so that I could pay and get the fuck out of dodge. The lady in line behind me smirked and said, “It’s always the juicy stuff that won’t swipe, isn’t it?”. Ugh, ugh, ugh…I did not want to be talking to this lady about my juicy anything even though, judging by the fact that she had a lifetime supply of Depends in her basket, she probably really did understand.
Once I was finally out of the store and headed home, I had to shake my head and laugh. Every little action that I took to avoid people knowing that I was buying lube and batteries? Futile. Trying to control a situation that would have happened the way it was destined to happened? Silly. No matter how hard I tried to control my lube purchase, the fates wanted to giggle, apparently. I hope they had a good time because it was just another thing that could have made me angry.
Yanno, if it hadn’t been so well worth it once I got home and….
The End Kisses,
Me
59 Responses to “Even The Purchase Of Lube Is “Fated”…”
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Extra Goodies!
July 6th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
LOL!!
Thanks for bringing me out of my funk…..if you run out, next time I’ll just overnight you some…plenty here !
And I’m almost afraid to ask , but you bought a knife?? Might want to shred that receipt (evidence you know)!
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
I think it’s funny that they call it a “knife” when really it’s just a box cutter!
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Kim Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Oooh a box cutter is better than a knife !! Cuts deeper, sinks faster, and rusts quickly. Oops. I may have just TMI’d.
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July 6th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Nothing…and I mean NOTHING…can compare to the time I was a checker at a grocery store, and a woman came through buying nothing but an English Cucumber and a jar of vasoline.
I am SO proud of myself that I kept a straight face.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Oh my. Oh my my my my. I think I would have had a hard time concealing the amusement fo sho.
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Krystle @snarkykisses Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
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July 6th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I can buy lube without blinking an eye, but I have the hardest time making buying condoms. Which is probably why I ended up pregnant ;-)
I really do hope that your anger stage is short lived and that you start to feel better asap.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
I have no idea why but the buying of condoms seems so much more natural to me than buying the lube.
Of course, not like I am an expert on that either!
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July 6th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
oh my gawd that is hella funny. and anytime you wanna bitch, you know where this bitch answers her phone.
carry on with your lubed up self!
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I just started singing…”Lubin’ it up…on the Barry Gibb Talk Show”. Bwahahaha.
And yes I would call but I am afeared that you will find my soul black if I bitch about people right now!
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July 6th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Lube? Meh. But batteries AND lube? AA? AAA? That’s not very embarrassing… now, D Batteries… THAT would be embarrassing!
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Karen Sugarpants Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
BUTT PLUGS.
Uhh Dave, a car battery would be embarrassing. You should know.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Wait, do butt plugs take “D” batteries? I don’t even know!
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Robin Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
No – Butt Plugs don’t take batteries…..but that’s not a bad sex toy idea….
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I don’t know if I want stuff up my butt…I may be a prude after all!
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
That would be totally embarrassing…throw in a few 9 volts and it’s a party.
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July 6th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Flaunt it! I think we’d all be a lot happier if we got off more often. I know I’m a nicer person afterward.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Word sister…word.
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July 6th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Dave stole my line.
Well, at least you did it. Me, I’m so vanilla I blushed when I had to buy condoms, diapers, and tampons in the same order… 16 year old goth at the counter didn’t bat an eyelash.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
How funny. I walk around freely waving my tampons these days. I guess with the changing times, so does the level of my embarrassment.
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
You can buy lube by mail now. Just order on line w/a fake name and a real credit card. If you’d like, I have a friend who runs a pleasure party business and has a neato web site and I can give you her web addy. She’s an east coast manager for it.
HHH used to work in a HOT SHOP when we lived in Memphis, so I have no problems anymore with stuff like that. Plus, I LOOOOOOVED his employee discount there!
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Avitable Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Why would you need a fake name? Just order through Amazon.com.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Okay that is so sad yet interesting yet cool that you know that.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Oh I’m not THAT easily embarrassed…I don’t care if I have to use my real name or anything.
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
That would only have been better if Britt or I was with you at the time of purchase. Next time, buy a cucumber and condoms at the same time, too.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
I should totally make YOU go with me to the store when I buy the cucumber, condoms, lube and my dirty magazine.
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
I have no idea what Astroglide is. Is that KY for your bum?
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
It’s a California based company that sells lube.
I got that because they always gave that kind away free in The Castro. Um, come to think of it, maybe it started out for the bum!
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ginamonster Reply:
July 7th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
I’m pretty sure Astroglide was one of the first water based lubricants.
I used to answer phones for the “As We Change” catalog…
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Was the knife or “box cutter” to get the package of lube open or the package of happiness? You totally shoulda turned on the clerk and said something like “Yeah, this is the biggest y’all got? Mama needs her medicine and this will barely last the night.” Maybe next time she’ll not be so loud. Also along with Avitable’s suggestion, buy a Tiger Beat or anything with the Jonas Bros. on the cover.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
The Tiger Beat reference made me literally snort. Now that I’ve done it once, I think I should up the ante and see just how appalling I can be!
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Best lube ever: Astroglide. It’s kind of gooey, but it does the job.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I noticed it was kind of sticky. However, whatever…it felt good doing it’s thang.
TMI!
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
You need this:
http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/clitoral-stimulators/layaspot-massager
NEED. THIS.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Maybe once I review the package that Drew is sending me, he’ll let me get that one!
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I hope your anger/rage phase is short lived and you find your way out of it. Until you do, keep sharing.
As for the lube & batteries story, thanks for the laugh! Haven’t laughed like that in quite awhile.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Yay for laughter! And thank you…I honestly think the rage will subside once I get my meds under check and/or deal with issues I’ve been suppressing a little bit.
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July 6th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Lube, Batteries – and a KNIFE?
Oh – and a screwdriver, apparently.
Well, I’m glad you got water so you’ll be well hydrated.
Also? Astroglide. hehehehhehehehehehehehehhehehehehhehehe
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Okay seriously? Your ability to decipher that receipt is pretty fucking impressive.
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Miss Britt Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
As is your ability to have gotten off all these years without lube or batteries.
Seriously. You should give a class.
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I certainly don’t mean to laugh at your anger issues, but that story about the Walmart and lube and Mavis just killed me!!!
Ahem
But I think the anger phase is natural, right? God knows I’ve been there – and it, too, passes.
If it doesn’t, you’ve got the knife.
(And seriously, that anger can be fun, too. As your awesome example just proved!!!)
Just kick Adam in his Avitaballs.
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
It’s okay to laugh! I really was trying to make light of an otherwise bitchy day!
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
batteries: $5.87
astroglide: $5.68
broken self checkout: fuckin priceless
LOVE this story
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Sorry to be laughing, but this was hysterical! Can’t believe the lady behind you had the gall to say “It’s always the juicy stuff that won’t swipe, isn’t it?”
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Hilly Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I know, right? What a choice of words too!
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Just reading through the comments made my night a whole lot better. Baaaha!
Glad your trip was uhm, uh worth it…. xoxoxo
Awesome, isn’t it? heh!heh!
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
In the midst of Buffy Season 6 are you?
I have fewer issues with going into a sex shop to buy that stuff than I do about going to a drug store.
Whenever I have to buy embarrassing stuff like that I usually end up surrounding it with at least 5 other items I don’t need. Like they don’t know…
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July 7th, 2009 at 8:27 am
HAHAHAHA … that is hysterical. At least she didn’t get on the loud speaker for a price check. Hope the check out line embarassment was worth it in the end
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July 7th, 2009 at 9:00 am
As a girl who has owned sex toys since she was like 19 I have a suggestion as far as the lube goes. I find the lube is more important for sex not for double clicking your mouse. I would suggest a cream, it’s fucking awesome. I’ve usually gotten this stuff at sex toy parties. I have one called Sex Fifth Avenue. You’re welcome
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July 7th, 2009 at 10:19 am
so do we get to read the product review?
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July 7th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
My favorite part of this post? The picture of the receipt. On a Buffy DVD/book/comic
And? My first lesson to you is that if you’re going to buy lube, just go on to the sex shop. They’re specialists. And everyone is in there for one nefarious purpose or another so you’re not alone.
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July 7th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Astroglide is hands down best lube ever. You picked a good one for your “first time” but, like someone else mentioned, don’t really need it for “just the outside”. Astroglide gets sticky because it’s meant to work with your natural stuff.
But seriously? You’ve never owned a vibrator or used one before this? really? Well shit. When is your birthday again?
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ginamonster Reply:
July 8th, 2009 at 12:03 am
I think the best part about it is that you are SO embarrassed at walmart…then you go home and post it on the internets. heh.
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July 9th, 2009 at 1:52 am
OK. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but…. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! That shit was funneh.
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July 14th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
“You see, I have never owned or operated a sex toy before. Never ever.”
Me either. I bought my first one two days ago. And that’s all I’m saying about it.
Fortunately, I did have lube. I use it to insert tampons. So, next time you need to buy lube, buy a small box of tampons too!
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July 22nd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
[...] I needed was to find those darned box cutters that I had bought when I made that fateful trip to WalMart for the lube. As a matter of fact, I had no idea where the hell I had stored them away [...]
July 29th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I cannot believe this will work!
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