September 14th, 2009
Once upon a time, there was this boy…
Once upon a time, there was this man…
Once upon a time, there was this boy…
Once upon a time, there was this jerkface…
He came out of nowhere and won my heart super quickly but truth be told, he thought he had it long before he did. You see, when I met him at a party, I was head over heels for two different people and never even really noticed that Jerky McStupidface even existed until that evening. After being crushed by my erm…crushes, Jerky found me in tears and sat down to find out what was wrong with me. After much whining and self-deprecation, the pre-requisite drunk question escaped my lips faster than I could hold it back…
“Do you think I’m pretty?”, I asked with booze breath that could melt black kryptonite. I looked at him with hopeful eyes, knowing full damn well that I was pretty. I just needed someone to say it so that all of my inferiority complexes could be washed away if only for a moment.
“What I’m more concerned about”, he said, “is why you need me to tell you that you’re pretty when an emotionally healthy person would already know the answer to that question already.” I suppressed my middle finger that was slowly starting to creep up and into his face yet as I did so, more tears fell from the sting of his words.
Sure, maybe that was a viable question and had we been friends for ages and ages, one that would have been completely appropriate. However, we’d only just met and hello, I was that drunk girl that needed to be coddled, not the emotionally healthy(ish) version of myself that you could say these things to between the hours of 9 am and 9pm. Sheesh. So, I died…but I thanked him. I actually fucking thanked him for being so honest with me and not holding any punches when what I really wanted was to tell him that he was being douchey.
Our conversation went somewhere it never should from there because I didn’t say the right thing at the right moment. You see, after allowing this dude to talk to me like I was one of his therapy fucking cases, I then allowed him to think that I’d been checking him out. I really truly hadn’t been and yet, I never denied it when he just supposed it.
“So, I’m crushed because I really liked Angel and Xander both but neither of them seem to care if I’m alive”, I said with my head hung in embarrassment. ” God, I’ve been flirting with them all evening!”
“And with me a little bit too”, he said.
“Huh?”, I asked.
“You’ve been flirting with me too this evening. I can totally tell.”
“Well, yes”, I smiled sheepishly, “with you too…”
Lie. Lie lie lie lie lie. That night, I was such a freaking liar! Oh my GOD, my pants were on fire! I hadn’t been flirting with him…at all. I had been trying to make him feel welcome into my group of friends. I had been hugging him and calling him “cutie” because I was so fucking drunk! However, no. I had not been flirting with him nor had I been interested in him whatsoever until…
You see, he was paying attention to *me*. He liked *me*. He was looking at me as if I were the only woman in the room whereas the men who I really wanted (we’ll be skipping the part where there were two of them for now) didn’t even notice that I was anything but one of their “dudes”. He paid me some attention when I desperately needed it and because of that, I led him to believe that I’d been eying him all along. In fact, I let him believe that throughout the entirety of our dysfunctional relationship because well, I believed that he had a good heart and I really didn’t want to crush it by being a bitch.
The thing is…relationships of any level, built on those kinds of half-truths or bold face lies? They never last. You can’t go into a relationship when you heart is only halfway in it. You can’t just decide that you’re going to like someone cause they like you when there is no other good reason for you to even *think* about letting them into your life. You can’t start something with someone when your heart is clearly somewhere else, even if those feelings are not returned. Most importantly, you can’t lead someone on because when some time passes, every little thing they do is going to start bugging you but they won’t know they’re a giant pain in your ass because you’ll be pretending that they are so awesome which will drive you even more insane and eventually you’ll be so pissed off at them that you’ll totally dump them out of the blue one day for no apparent reason.
Ahem.
Then they’ll lie about how that all went down. And about what you meant to them. Then they may even throw you under a bus. You know, act like a total coward and tell people half of the story to make you look bad. You know, they’ll start to show their true jerkface colors that they showed in the very very very beginning and you’ll act surprised at first but when it comes right down to it, you’re not. You’re not even disappointed because quite honestly, you should have expected it in the first place.
Le sigh.
Why am I telling you this story today? Well, even though this is about something that happened a long long long time ago (and this is in no way about my ex-husband so let’s not start that rumor, k?), it’s something that has been weighing on my mind recently. Part of this divorce process messes with your head and you start breaking down every single fuckducking relationship you’ve ever had. Deconstructing the past is sometimes necessary for the future and last week, I spent too many valuable minutes doing just that and being cranky about it every step of the way.
The truth is that I still have no clue what I want or who I am looking for. I’m not ready to date and yanno, that’s okay. However, when I am ready, I am certainly not going to accept anyone who I deem less than worthy. I am not going to ever ever ever ever ever again pretend that I like someone back just because he likes me. I’m never ever ever ever ever ever again going so stop myself from throwing up my middle finger when the next jerkface pisses me off either.
Yanno, unless it’s Ryan Reynolds. For him, I’d totally demean myself.
Jerkstore Kisses,
Me
57 Responses to “You’re So Ugly When You Cry…”
Leave a Reply
Search
Stalk Me Much?
Navigation
Recent Posts
- 2710
- On Friendship…
- This Is Where We All Fall Out…
- Wait, They Don’t Love You Like I Love You…
- That’s The Time You Must Keep On Trying…
- Peanut Butter, No Jelly…
- The (Wo)Man And The Mouse…
Yearly Favorite Posts
Monthly Comment Whores
- hello haha narf (8)
- Finn (7)
- Karen Sugarpants (7)
- Al_Pal (5)
- Darla (5)
- Avitable (4)
- Elizabeth Kaylene (4)
- Laurie (4)
- Poppy (4)
- Rebecca (4)
September 14th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Sometimes the cruelest thing we can do for ourselves is pretend to be nice to someone else.
Especially if they’re a spineless fucking jerkface.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Word.
As you know, I’ve spent too much time pretending for the greater good. Part of last week’s cranky growth spurt was me deciding not to do that anymore.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
I agree with all of this 1000%.
But, sometimes I think it’s worse when you actually DO know what you want. Sometimes.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I think it’s hard either way, honestly. Love, finding love, losing love, being alone then trying to find that same love again? Yeah, not that easy.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
It never pays to be too nice.
You deserve The One. The One who knows how beautiful you are inside and out and knows your heart and just what it needs. I know you’ll never settle for less.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I won’t settle ever. I’d much rather be alone than with the wrong person.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I think the best part about not being in a relationship and having survived broken ones is knowing exactly what you want – and don’t want – in a future person.
That said, I’ve also dated spineless fuckfaces, and GAH. Never again in my life.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am
It’s weird how you make excuses for spineless men even though the nagging voice in your head is telling you that they’re a flat out coward.
Never again.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I have so done the “Do you think I am pretty” drunk question. Lord have mercy. It NEVER ends well. EVER.
I know what I want but it doesn’t seem to be happening right now….so I grudgingly have to live my life anyway. It’s hard, though.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Why is it that our rational, everyday selves know that question is so stupid to ask yet as soon as we get all Drunky McDorkfaced, we totally ask it anyway? Seriously. We must stop!
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I think dating should only be done under the influence of alcohol and a doctor’s care.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:47 am
No kidding.
Ooooh, and a lie detector.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
I am happy that you finally felt it was time to write this down.
I really hope the men who prey on women they think are weak read this post and realize you really shouldn’t fuck with us, fellas. Payback truly is a bitch.
Oh man, I have so much more to say on this subject, but I’mma gonna keep my damn mouth shut and be happy I found a good man.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Yeah, I’ve been trying to get this out for quite some time but yesterday it just felt right to do so.
Beleeeeeive me, I have a lot more to say on this subject too but yanno, I’m trying not to be a super duper megabitch.
:witchypoo:
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
True on so many levels… not just romantic ones.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Amen to that, sistah.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Ryan Reynolds = YUM
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Ryan Reynolds = Mine.
Back off.
[Reply]
September 14th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
I feel the same way, except I really want to be dating again right now.
And you aren’t just pretty. You are beautiful.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
First of all, thank you. Secondly, you’ll get there at whatever pace the universe has deemed for you.
[Reply]
Lynda Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
True. I’m just not always a patient person, and need to be reminded of that.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Jerky McStupidface. I love it.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Thanks! I had a few other choice phrases lined up but that was actually the “nice” one.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 7:34 am
I don’t know that I have built a relationship on total honesty. Probably while I am still single. You have certainly made me think.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 7:53 am
I think that most women have this natural tendency to really want a relationship to start and work because we’ve got that pull to get married. Therefore we really don’t care if the devil is in the details and we start living things out in order to be that square peg fitting in a round hole. It’s not mean or intentional at times…we just want to be loved and uh, wear that white dress.
Not that I advocate divorce (because I really don’t) but the nice thing about having already been married? I can stop and really figure out what I want in my next relationship without being worried that “I’ll never walk down the aisle” because I have.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
This is one thing (out of many) that I admire about you. You are willing to examine your previous experiences and learn from them. You are such an amazing person that it sometimes shocks me that you didn’t always know that about yourself.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 9:57 am
It’s a struggle to see who I am at times, mostly now because I feel as if someone just said to me, “you’re not good enough to be my wife anymore”. I KNOW that’s not the truth but sometimes that is the way I see it. God, I am pathetic.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
“You can’t go into a relationship when you heart is only halfway in it.”
Amen, sister.
Ummm, I don;t know about Ryan, but ANGEL IS MINE. You can have Xander… I don’t do geek. You know, unless they’re Indian.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 9:56 am
How about I take Angel and you can have that pussy-boy, Edward? No? You don’t want him?
*waits for all my girlfriends to throw daggers at my princess hoopiedoo*
[Reply]
Faiqa Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Is Spike available? I’m not too much into the blonds, but since I’m definitely not into CHICKS I couldn’t possibly settle for Edward. (Ha!)
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I never was attracted to Spike. Oooh, you can keep Angel (even though he’s still my very favorite) and I will take Eric Northman from True Blood. Yummy for the tummy.
(And so not a girl like some vamps).
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 10:09 am
i LOVE THIS!!!
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Well that’s good! And thank you.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 10:49 am
I totally hear you on this…
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Man, at first I sorta regretted writing it but then I totally could hear him saying, “I don’t usually like traditionally ‘pretty’ girls so that is why I’m attracted to you” and my ire was once again on fire!
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
“Fuckducking” = BRILLIANT.
And *hugs*. Just ’cause. <3
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I’ll take hugs wherever I can get them!
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Crap- I totally have to tell internet guy that it’s not happening. I wanted to be kind and give him another chance, but I’m just really not interested.
I’m cool with you having Ryan, as long as it’s OK that I just stare dreamily at him? mmmkay?
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Good for you. If you’re not interested in someone, no need to keep going on and on, right?
Right!
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I began dating Ben’s father because he picked me up (literally) and dropped me on my head in a parking lot. It was different and refreshing and I was a effing moron.
*sighs*
I love you.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Hahaha, “different and refreshing” aren’t always the best signs, are they?
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
GREAT post! Never settle, it’s not worth it.
And awesome use of the word fuckducking. LOVE IT!
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Why, thank you. I made it up on the spot but now it is definitely a keeper!
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I can only echo what everybody else has and say, “Been there, done that Sistah!”
Which is why my relationship with Mr. Twinkie works sooo sooo well and we are very honest with each other. Sometimes too much. So then there’s that. LOL
We’re still working on teaching him to keep his dumbfucking opinions to himself when they are always negative (you know that whole bipolar good mood, bad mood thing)if he knows nothing good will come of it other than hurting my feelings.
But other than that… the bestest relationship I have EVER been in because well… I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. OR pretend that I like certain personality aspects that actually make me want to shank him in his sleep.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Yikes. I’m happy that you’re happy.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Damn it, did a big comment and it got eaten by the webisphere.
When you are in the best place that you can be, personally for you, then you will be ready for the best person for you.
Don’t settle for anyone that is not worthy of your amazing character and beauty.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I hate it when the freaking PRB eats comments! And you are so right…it always comes when one isn’t looking and is feeling top notch.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I think I’m going to steal jerkface. Takes me right back to middle school…love i t.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Do it! I think we all should revert to middle school vocabulary, if only for a little while at least!
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Did he really say that “traditionally pretty” line? Because that is shitty.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Oh yes. He said it several times.
[Reply]
September 15th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Finger is at half-mast at all times, captain!
[Reply]
September 16th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I did that once too and I still feel bad about it. I went out with him to make myself feel better. I never really treated him all that great but I wasn’t horrible to him, I just never really was in the relationship fully. Then I broke up with him and didn’t know how to explain that I just never really felt that way, basically admitting I lied. I never did that again.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:13 am
It sucks that you had to go through that but it’s good that you could recognize it before it became a pattern, right?
[Reply]
Robin Reply:
September 16th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I think it was just the time in my life, I was going through a weird phase or something. It is so not a part of my personality.
[Reply]
September 18th, 2009 at 10:16 am
please don’t let eevn ryan reynolds treat you poorly…
[Reply]