October 1st, 2009
Until five minutes ago, I thought it was Friday. I even hopped on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh-in a day early because I dunno…I just didn’t think this was Thursday. It’s blurry. It’s hazy. I’m walking around numbly wondering when it all stops being so suureal and all starts falling into place.
Did my cat really just die in my arms last night? Did I really hear him make the most wretched sounds as he crawled into my chest, gasping for air as I smelled death on his breath? Did I really feel him to limp in my arms before laying him on the ground and watching him twitch and gasp the last little bit of life from his body? Did Shawn really tell me that some girl he knows suggested making an LOL Cat out of the last picture I took of FC, about a half hour before he died? Did I hear that right? Did I really have to wrap my cat up in a towel, then in a garbage bag and stick him in my freezer so that he wouldn’t decay overnight? Did I really toss and turn all night, knowing that his body was still here even though the little man I love was dead and gone? Did I really just watch some man take his body away while I closed the door behind him, sobbing yet feeling relief all at the same time? Did I really just walk into my front door and say, “I’m home, wooobs!”, forgetting that he couldn’t hear me from heaven or the inside of the freezer?
Why am I a zonbie today? Why do I have to sit here incapable of feeling pretty much anything? I honestly don’t have any fight left in me today. The last little bit of happiness in my every day world just died and I had to watch it happen for hours and hours. There wasn’t anything amusing about it. The world disappeared and it was just me and my cat and a whole bunch of love. I’ve spent about thirty days worrying about him and wondering when he would die and now that he’s gone, I feel guilty for feeling relieved. I feel guilty because I’m ready to go out there to a shelter and get a new kitten because as we all know, the cycle of love goes on. My cat’s passing opened the door for me to save another innocent kitten from death and so, maybe in a few days, I will be ready.
Numb. I should be more excited about the fact that when I punched in my new weight this morning, the Weight Watchers site went all crazy with floating stars and congratulations because I hit my first 10% goal. Numb. I decided to work out early this morning just because I was fidgety over them coming to get FC. Numb. I told someone earlier today that they could start unburdening their problems on me at any time because despite the cat dying and despite the events of the last six months of my life, my heart is happy and I’m in a really good place. But still…numb.
It will go away as soon as I can get the horrific imagery out of my head. In a few days, things will carry on as normal although he’s not around (by “he”, I mean the cat). I want the world to stop throwing knives at me. I want to stop dodging them or taking them then healing from them. I get it. I’m strong. I mean really, I feel like the bravest little toaster in all the land but my GOD, can I please stop being tested around every corner?
This is being a grown up. Waltzing numbly through my day yet still working, finishing some side projects, working out, appreciating my weight loss, helping others through their hardships. This is life. There are curveballs that I deserve and those that I don’t and yet, I keep hitting it out of the park. I may be numb but I’ll never stop putting one foot in front of the other until I’m not. I don’t want to ever give up and give in again.
I lost my cat. I lost 10% of my weight. Today is half and half and maybe tomorrow, I’ll be able to feel whole once again.
By the way, thank you ALL. So many of you were calling me, texting me, emailing me, leaving me Twitter messages, helping me figure out what to do with the body and various other things and you cannot even imagine how much I love you and am grateful for you all.
Sorry For The Maudlin Shit Kisses,
Me
118 Responses to “Numb…”
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:09 pm
It’s like when anyone we care about passes away. We think about the weirdest shit…many odd things zooming through our head at the same time. Some of it inappropriate, even.
Take the time you need, babe. If another kitty helps speed up the healing, so be it, but there’s no rush.
[Reply]
Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
It’s totally true. I’m glad I’ve not had to actually speak aloud today (except to the death patrol but whatever with them).
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I don’t know what to say. I’ve lost several animals over the years and it’s so heartbreaking.
Just go with the flow, you’ll know when you’re ready.
And I’ll never be ready to laugh about turning him into an LOL cat.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:57 pm
You are totally right. Being that I’m somewhat crazy and impulsive, one day I will wake up, think, “I want a kitten!” and by that night, I will have one.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Don’t ever apologize for feeling this way. I think losing a pet is the worst – maybe because you can’t communicate directly with an animal and you just hope and hope that they knew how much you loved them, and that they didn’t suffer. I will say this – my vet told me that the GREATEST gift you can give your animal is being near them when they pass on. It sucks for us who are left behind, but they move on knowing that they were loved and secure.
Congrats on the weight loss too honey – definitely celebrate for yourself when the numbness starts to wear off.
And for the record, I think the LOL Catz comment was kind of heartless.
((Hugs)).
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I think that is the hard part…they can’t say anything to you. I just know that he stayed away from me for weeks but crawled into my arms the moment he was ready to die.
I’m glad he went out like that.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I think that FC would want you to go find another cat to love. He knows how loving you were, and I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t want to have some kitten out there that had no one to love it not experience what he had. And don’t be so hard on yourself, dear. This is a nature part of the grieving process, and this is the end of a lot for you.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm
You’re right…this is the tail end of way too much grieving. I think I’ve just hit that wall where I’m done. I don’t want anymore crap from anyone, yanno?
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I cannot imagine losing my Rider girl. My heart goes out to you. Congrats on your weight loss! It’s amazing to feel that control and it does begin to move throughout the rest of your life. I just know you’re going to grab hold and use your power for good
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I’ve been using my powers for good for a little while now. Crazy, right?
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Oh, yeah, i agree, totally heartless comment about the LOLcat, but he might not have known how to deal with what he was feeling. Do not consider it further. Hopefully he felt like kicking himself right after he said it.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:18 pm
You’re right. I think it was more under the “homage” umbrella than anything else but I think it is in poor taste. Maybe it’s easier to use humor to move forward for some people, especially when they don’t have to be right in on the action of the dying part.
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Toni Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I understand using humor to cope. I mean, I was the one who when I couldn’t turn in my improv homework at comedy sportz two days after my mother died did say ‘It’s not that the dog ate my homework, my dead mother ate my homework’. But you knew about my relationship with my mother so you know, different can of worms.
Anyway, I hope you will be okay. It’s good that you were with him. I did see a postsecret a few weeks ago that I wish I would have saved. It was from a vet tech who said something about how the animals always look around for their people when they are in the room to be put to sleep. FC was in your loving arms, and he takes that with him. oxoox
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Hilly, my heart breaks for you. FC was lucky to have your love and kindness for as long as he did.
When the right kitty is there you two shall meet.
RIP Sweet FC
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Thanks Rach, I know you are right.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:15 pm
I’m so sorry but if it helps even a tiny bit my boy Keyser will keep him company. They’ll chase the little squirrels and eat kitty treats everyday all day.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I told him as he was dying to go find Shawn’s Dad, my grandma and all the little kitties you friends had mentioned losing over the last few days. I know he’s up there with some good people and kitties.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I wish there were words I could give… something I could do…
Just going to send you cyber-hugs instead and let you know I am thinking/praying for you.
I am so sorry for your loss =(.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Thanks, Amber…I really needed those hugs.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Hilly – I’m so sorry! I’ve been following FC’s progress on Twitter and I was really sorry to hear that he passed away last night. My first cat, Smokey passed away last year and I was the last person in the family to see him alive. It was an absolute heart-wrenching experience for my family. No kitty, will ever replace FC but I’m glad you still have all the love to give to another little one who will bless your life in a different way.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Thanks, sweetie.
There will always only be ONE FC but you are right, another cat will come into my life and eventually I will love it just as much.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Oh, Snackie, I’m so sorry. I hope the numbness goes away soon. I only say that so you can work through the worst part of the grief quickly. After recently welcoming a 2nd cat into our home recently, I’m beginning to understand why this kind of loss affects people so strongly.
All my hopes.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I’m crying now, Howard. All of these replies are really helping me tap back into the pain so I can release it and move forward.
You know, tomorrow.
Right now I want to be Scarlet O’Hara.
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Howard Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Just stay away from the matches today. We don’t want Terra burnin’ on top of everything else.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Oh trust me, I’ve got better
peoplethings to burn than mah beloved Terra!:witchypoo:
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
You will miss him. You will always miss him. You didn’t lose your favorite pair of shoes, you lost one of the loves of your life. Love goes on, to be sure, but he will always own a special place in your heart.
I think the last knife has been thrown. I have a theory which I will not share with you right now because it doesn’t feel right to do so, but I think this is the last of it. xo
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I cannot wait to hear your theory, quite honestly. I hope it’s one that is filled with something good.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:25 pm
You need a break, my little. You ARE a brave little toaster, but having to prove it over and over and over just sucks.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
It’s times like this that I wish I was home. I want my Daddy and my sister, like a little kid, you know?
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:28 pm
When we put our last cat down earlier this year, I had to leave work, go to the vet, meet my wife there and then go back to work after we buried her in the spot we had prepared in the back yard. I felt so numb and out of place. I wanted more time to mourn.
Again, the feeling of losing a loved pet is not easy. Take all of the time you need.
And remember.. photos and pics of when they were happy and running around will always be around.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I can’t imagine having to go back to work right after. Luckily I work at home and my boss is very generous with the leeway today.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Sorry, Hilly. Really sorry about your loss. Terrible. More than that, I am sorry that the LOL cat was suggested to you. That was extremely inconsiderate. Everyone handles death differently though, so try to excuse Shawn’s careless handling of the situation. (Still makes me want to bitchslap the girl that suggested it though
)
Good for you on the weight loss. There should be nothing left of you by the time I see you at Adam’s party!
Love you!
CP.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I don’t want it to come across like he was an asshole. He was really there for me last night, helping me figure out what to do with the body, talking to me about how much FC knew he was loved and all that good stuff.
I think the picture made him amused because FC’s pupils were so huge from the pain meds. However, I know that his eyes looked like that because he was scared.
Shawn was dealing the way that he knows how to and that’s fine. I just still sort of can’t believe I heard that thing about the LOL Cat thing. Baffling.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Thinking of you today, Hilly.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Thanks, Shari.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
So sorry Hilly. HUGS
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Thank you, Karen.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Maybe if the lolcat caption was sweet and heart breaking but in a good way, it would be good? Something about kitty heaven and missing you and stuff maybe.
Maybe not.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 12:55 pm
A quote from my 65 year old, somewhat computer challenged Dad: “I don’t get the point of those LOL Cat things. Do you find a picture of a cat then use the worst grammar possible? Is that actually what people find funny these days?”.
So yeah, maybe not.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Shawn, sometimes it’s actually ok to keep things to yourself.
Anyway.
Don’t rush into another kitten, let your heart tell you when. And if FC hadn’t appreciated what great care you took of him all the time he was with you, including the last 30 days, then he wouldn’t have stayed close to you for the end. He loves you and is happy with how you cared for him.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I know, I know.
I just miss him. Every phantom noise I hear, I wonder what the hell he’s getting into now then remember that he’s not.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Fluffawuffagus and I raise a toast to FC. Good friends are hard to come by, and even harder to let go when the time comes.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Toast right back at you.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Being numb makes sense when you’ve been through SO MUCH emotional turmoil and grief. Like others are saying, just give it time. You know that it comes in waves. It’s really good that you can still say you are happy inside even though you’re in this deeply sad place.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Yeah, I’m lucky that I have a pretty good life to keep me grounded through wads and wads of crap.
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October 1st, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Feeling numb is at least a feeling – at least you’re expressing something.
Everyone does things in their own time – my aunt waited 3 years before she got another cat. You may wait 30 days….at the end of the day, you can only do what’s best for you.
I am happy that this is not affecting your weight loss, though – that’s amazing. I can’t wait to see you in a few weeks you look really healthy!! Hopefully your successes will help me get out of my WW rut…
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I think that the only thing I’ve been able to control in all of this chaos lately has been my weight. It’s the number one thing I’ve got positive in my life right now and I just can’t stop because my heart breaks now and then.
When you are here, we’ll talk WW and get each other all motivated.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
The only one who will know when it is time to get another kitty is you.
For me it happened almost immediately when I saw two kittens for adoption the day that Syd passed. They needed a home and I needed…something. I’m so glad I did, but I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone.
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Hilly Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I actually thought of you when I was considering getting another kitty rather quickly. I remember when you did and I was happy for you.
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B.E. Earl Reply:
October 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Well, one kitty turned into three kittens pretty quickly for us. And I just saw two tuxedo (black and white) kittens yesterday up for adoption. Gia wants them soooo much. I’m going to have to move out to make room for them.
Stay strong!
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
[...] Original post by Snackiepoo [...]
October 1st, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I agree with Poppy about rushing into the new kitten, give yourself time. We got a new one, and I’m having a hard time letting her “in”. And, it’s been 2 months and I still find myself expecting mine to pop around the corner – it’s weird, but I suppose it’s part of the process. I am so sorry for you and your pain.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:31 am
Thank you, Beth. I think we all deal with pet loss in different ways and while I’m not out kitty shopping right this second, I won’t have a problem letting a new one in. I guess I’ve just had so many cats in my life that the cycle seems normal to me.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Losing a pet is one of the hardest things to go through. They are there for us at weird hours of the night and there for us to comfort us and to love us for US, it is almost harder than losing a person. I am soooooo very sorry for your loss and I am hoping that the numbness goes away and you can open your heart to a new kitty. Eventually.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
The weirdest thing is that I STILL find myself talking to him…announcing I am home…yelling, “dinner!” or even thinking every phantom noise is him.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
FC was a handsome little guy.
I think you’ve made everyone appreciate their fur babies a bit more this week.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
He was a handsome little devil indeed.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Kitty heaven just got a little more awesome.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 am
Right? And thanks for talking with me through that really crazy part the other night.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:32 pm
It’s pretty rare for a post to make me cry, but this one did. I remember the devastation when we lost our Yeti, and my heart hurts for you. I think “pet” is such an inadequate word for what they give us, and the loss of one is more keenly felt than some people realize.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:33 am
Maybe the word “companion” is better.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:33 pm
i just wish there were something i could say that could help, but i know there isn’t. the pain of losing such a beloved companion can’t be eased by a few words, and i am truly sorry for that.
rest in peace, fc.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:34 am
Thanks, Narfy. The outpouring of people who really get it? That does help a ton.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Really sorry for your loss. Especially after all you have been through this year.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:34 am
Dude, I’m done with sadness and drama, seriously.
*knock wood*
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I can so relate to how you feel right now. I too am numb at the moment, but for other reasons entirely. I do know how you feel though Hilly, and I do know that it will pass…eventually.
FC loved you, you know that. He would not have been all over you and following you around everywhere if he did not. He also knows that you loved him unconditionally. He crawled onto your lap those last few moments to communicate that to you. To tell you he would be fine, that he loved you, and he was thanking you for being his mom.
He is in cat heaven right now, romping around and playing with other kitties that have gone on before their moms and dads. You WILL see him again, and it will be as though you were never apart.
You know in your heart that he wants you to shower your love on another kitten or cat that had the misfortune to find himself at the shelter. FC would want you to share the love in your heart with another little furball, as it should be.
The numbness will go away, eventually. It just takes time sweetie.
Congratulations on your weight loss! That is absolutely fanfuckingtastic!!!
Hugs!
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:35 am
Thank you for all of your words and I am so sorry that you are numb. I hate that feeling.
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October 1st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Oh Hilly, so sorry. I can’t even read other people’s comments because I’ll probably start crying. I wish you the best.
Some people get a new cat right away and some don’t. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:35 am
Thank you! I asked Foo last night if people would judge me for getting a new cat sooner than later and she said that yes, some will but also some won’t. Your words in this matter really helped.
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Fluffycat Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Screw the judgmental folks; everyone deals with grief differently. I know I’d feel like my house would be super empty without felines around.
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October 1st, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I’m sorry Hilly. xoxo
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:36 am
Thanks, Maria.
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October 1st, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I have no doubt FC knew just how much you loved him, Hilly. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:36 am
He better have known! That cat was the most spoiled cat on the planet!
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October 1st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I am so sorry, it is never easy.
FC loved you so much, you were what he wanted before he left. I hope that you find some comfort in knowing how much he loved you and you loved him.
The next cat that you have will be so lucky!
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:36 am
I do find comfort in the fact that he loved me so very much. Thank you, sweetie.
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October 1st, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Oh Hilly, I am so sorry for your loss. I remember the grief of losing a loved pet. Hang in there and if you want a new baby, then go get a new baby!
And, who is this person that thinks it was a good idea to create a LOLcat from the last picture of FC? I couldn’t believe that I actually read that…hang in there chica!
Congrats on the 10% That rocks!
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:38 am
Hrmmmm, well I have my ideas about who this person is but that’s a whole other can of worms. Needless to say, I wasn’t amused.
Anyway, thanks for the congrats and all that jazz!
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October 1st, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Please please don’t feel guilty for needing love and company. I did the same thing when the B died. She was a house bunny, but believe me when I say she was more cat than bun. She was my heart.
I last about a month. I had avoided getting a cat because of my allergies, but I love cats. I decided I could not get another bunny that soon and adopted Pru as a tiny kitten from a rescue shelter.
BEST. DECISION. I. HAVE. EVER. MADE. It may be presumptuous of me, but I am thinking that at this particular stage in your life, you need the comfort and company of a companion.
Loving Pru did not take away from me loving and missing the B. Pru got me thru some of the toughest times in my life, and in my depression.
When you are ready, go find a kitty to love you.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 am
Thank you. You get it.
Loving a cat for me is just more than taking care of some random pet. It’s about having a connection with something where there is this unconditional bond and love.
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October 1st, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Death always is more painful for those left behind – and although that sucks, it’s part of growing, I guess.
Time will heal some of the hurt, but you will never forget his smell, the feel of his fur, the little nuances that made FC FC. It’ll take awhile before you stop calling out to him. But he will always be with you.
Sending more hugs as you need ‘em. (((HUGS)))
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 am
The truth is that I was glad to see him go. I mean yeah, it was traumatizing to watch but he was suffering the last few days so him being at rest now actually makes me happy.
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October 1st, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I’m so sorry. I started crying reading this… and couldn’t finish. I don’t know what to say. I feel so sad for you right now.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:40 am
Awww honey, I know how much you love cats and thank you for just being able to say what you did.
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October 1st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I am so sorry, Hilly. My heart breaks for you. I have no doubt that FC knew how much you loved him, and he would want you to go out and share that love with another feline friend when you’re ready.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:40 am
I know he would. He may be up there saying, “don’t give that bitch MY toys!” but he’d still be happy for me to be happy.
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October 1st, 2009 at 7:47 pm
So, so very heartwrenching. I’m sorry, Hilly
But I also know about the cycle of life and I’m interested to see a new kitty
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 am
It’s weird that I’ve got to find a new kitty and eventually a new love. I was thinking about that last night…what is it that’s going to make me just know that either one of those things is the right one?
I think the kitty will be way more easier though, haha.
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October 1st, 2009 at 8:22 pm
You have every right to be a zombie today, tomorrow and the next day until you feel the time is right. This is a big loss and not an easy one to grasp. Take your time.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:42 am
Thanks, Kevvy Kev. I’ve slipped out of zombie mode for now and am going out with some dear friends today for a day of fun and mayhem. I need to laugh and feel some glee.
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October 1st, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I held our Shammy when he died, too – told him we loved him and how good and awesome he was, all while he was gasping and twitching. The only thing that really helped me hold it together was having Z right there. We buried him in the backyard, and we still say hi to him all the time when we go out the back door.
Still miss that cat, and Meatball is no Shammy, but he’s got his own funny quirks.
You’ll get a new kitty when you’re ready.
xoxoxo
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
It’s the strangest thing to hold a cat while it is doing all that and yet, I couldn’t let go…no matter how scared I was.
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October 1st, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Hilly I’m so very sorry. That must have been awful, but you know, many have told me that when it’s a cat’s time, they go somewhere by themselves like a closet to go. FC went to you. You shouldn’t have an ounce of guilt. You were obviously a good cat-mama and you’ll be a good one again.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
You made me tear up a little…he came to me instead of a closet. You are right…that says a lot. Thank you.
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October 1st, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I’m so very sorry, dear. I know it’s no consolation to hear that all of that is normal (except the bad joke by the uncouth person) but it is. I know it’s so hard. I had the same experience with my cat, the one I got when I was 10 and had until I was 25, five years ago and I can still feel that night so vividly. It’s so tough, but it’s also love that makes us hold on like that. It’s good to have known that kind of love.
Hugs to you.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 am
It is nice to know that my cat knew he was loved. It really is.
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October 1st, 2009 at 10:21 pm
[...] been entirely too much death talk the last few [...]
October 1st, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I’m so sorry. I lost my beautiful dog this week too. The pain is really shocking and this week just really sucks. Again, I’m sorry.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 am
I am so sorry for your loss. So very very sorry.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 am
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy. On 9/12/07 my kitty boy Douglas died. I nearly dropped my computer when I saw the pictures of your dear FC. They really could have been brothers. The same beautiful golden eyes, with black tipped hair with white roots.
I won’t tell you it will get better because it’s been two years and I still miss my baby so much I think my heart will break. You can see his picture at the following link-
http://stuckonlunatic.blogspot.com/2007/09/pain.html
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:45 am
Oh my GOD…they look exactly alike! FC was the only cat I’d ever seen with the white roots and black fur.
I’m sorry for your loss too. I hope you find your peace.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 2:08 am
Oh, sweetheart. I am so so sorry
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:46 am
thank you.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 am
I’m sorry you went through that. I have a cat and I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:47 am
Your cat is adorable and reminds me of FC a little bit too!
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October 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 am
My dearest cat, Olive, died in my arms. Just before it happened she looked at me and gave a little mew. Then she was gone. That was the hardest part for me – one minute she was there and then she was gone. I couldn’t cope with that fact for a while. I felt very numb too. Now I’m just glad I knew her and loved her. She was an awesome cat. Much love to you, Hilly.
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Hilly Reply:
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:48 am
I get it. My cat was laying on the couch, looked at me, cried, then did that whimper mew when I picked him up. It was heartwrenching and all I can think is that I am so happy he is not in that much pain anymore.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 10:30 am
It’s so very hard. I’m really sorry for you. Numb is how you need to feel now. He was a fine cat, a feline comrade, a furry child. (Impressive, all the FC’s I can think of.) Virtual hugs.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I know this comes late, but tears and hugs to you from afar.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
I just saw this post. I have kept you in my thoughts. I know how you feel and it is the worst feeling. I hate that everyone(I include pets in that because they aren’t things) we love can’t just stay with us forever. I still tear up over a year after my 15 year old dog died. The difference is that now I tear up and it goes away but about seven months ago….ummm yeah….crying crying crying. It slowly subsided and now when I look at his picture I smile instead of sob. I keep one on my desk at work and many many in my house. Also, I have a puppy now that I got 4 months ago. I love her as much and I am happy. Don’t know if someone has sent it to you but that damn Rainbow Bridge story makes me cry even now. It is beautiful but I avoid it.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I am so sorry. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling relieved, you have been grieving him a little bit at a time over the past 30 days. You are amazing to have given him such comfort in those final moments. Like you said, this is what being an adult is all about. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it is wonderful but only the best among us face them both equally. It’s okay to be sad, but be proud, too.
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October 3rd, 2009 at 1:28 am
I can’t even imagine what you went through. My cat from college passed away in 2007, peacefully in his sleep with us in the room. We were so traumatized from that, which seems silly now in comparison to what you’ve been through. I was away from home almost immediately following my kitty’s death, but I found another cat within 2 weeks (petfinder). Everyone told me it was too soon, but I had his “widow”, and I knew I couldn’t wait too long. I have no regrets at all. I think it’s a great memorial to your little fur baby that you can’t stand to be without him and need someone else to love. We have since added another, bringing that total to 3 crazy cats. I love them so much. They are awesome companions.
I think his picture is beautiful and precious. Thanks for sharing with us.
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October 3rd, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I’m so sorry, it’s so hard to lose a pet–I always think because they love us so differently than other people do.
I think it’s normal to feel relieved whenever anyone we love no longer has to suffer (and we have to watch them, unable to help). And when you’re ready for a new kitty, it won’t replace FC so much as help you heal.
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October 4th, 2009 at 12:01 am
[...] find a man who actually listens to me and knows the color of my eyes. I didn’t see FC’s death as the end of the world (even though it was devastating) and declare that I’d never love [...]
October 5th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I had my Alexandria for 18 years before she passed away a year and half ago. I knew her time was short but I will never forget finding her in the bathroom at 2 am already gone. As a child I wasn’t allowed pets and she was my baby for so many years. I’m glad you’ll open your home and heart to another cat who needs you. Congrats on your weight loss. You look wonderful. As someone who has lost a lot (75lbs) and still has a long way to go I know how difficult a road this is. Keep up the great work and I love reading your blog.
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October 6th, 2009 at 9:49 am
I love you, hon, and I’m so sorry. I wish he’d had a more peaceful passing but I’m just so glad he’s no longer suffering and is at peace.
Give your new kitty much love from me, please?
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October 7th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I’m so, so, so sorry.
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November 16th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Hilly, I am an infrequent lurker and I am not sure if I have ever commented here before. And I also know this happened a little bit ago now (though not that long, I know… my Freya died unexpectedly in January 2008 and I still miss her all the time). I just wanted to let you know that I am SO sorry you lost your FC and in such a painful way. I am sitting here with the tears rolling down my face because my cats are my kids too. Peace to you (as relates to this and all the other things you are going through too).
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