November 11th, 2009
I can close my eyes and almost instantly smell the sawdust, hear the sound of the tether-ball smacking someone’s hand and see children surrounding me on the playground. There I am, in all of my eight year-old glory, running around a black top, doing cherry bombs off of metal bars and occasionally educationg a bully or two about their staggering insignificance in my life.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”, I’d chant, as if even at eight years old, I were the most emotionally healthy person on the planet. Of course, I’d then stick out my tongue, pull up my skirt and shake my “Wednesday panties” at them but still, for one portion of a moment, I had it right. I’m not sure why but this was the one thing my parents told me that I chose to believe for a very long time. Of course, it probably had everything to do with the fact that I was a chubby little girl with thick glasses and really needed all of the internal ammo that I could get. People could fling their nasty commentary my way all they wanted and I would be fine until the day that someone started lunging rocks and big sticks at my pretty little pony-tailed head.
Or so I thought…
It’s amazing what a strong person can endure, isn’t it? As I grew up and found a way to truly not let people’s cruel words hurt me, I was still constantly wounded by sticks and stones. I mean really, as life progressed forward and the world became an increasingly more messed up place, words never seemed to be enough for some people. I’d sit back and watch groups of people lounging about on the terrace of their glass houses, effortlessly throwing boulders at people who were seemingly less protected. At one point in my life, I actually became the victim of a virtual “lynch mob” and watched my world burn to the ground as people who once claimed to be friends lined up to hurl sticks at my body, just waiting for the moment it crumbled and bled.
You see, many moons ago I was part of another online community called LiveJournal and holy crap, if you think that your current nook of the blogosphere is dramalicious? It’s got nothing on the heyday of LiveJournal. Anyway, while a part of this community, I soared to the limelight by simply being mostly myself. This was my first time blogging and I didn’t know that I didn’t need to make my life sound better than it was in order for people to like me. When I blogged about my feelings, those were always real but when I blogged about my surroundings, I tried way too hard to make my life seem less like the crap heap that it was, mostly by pretending that everything was just fine and dandy. While blogging in this community, I fell hard for a boy and in that falling, I drowned and lost my way. I did deplorable things all in the “name of love” because I felt that I was meant to be with him. The thing that sucked about this relationship? It was public and everyone that was friends with both of us felt as if it were their right to become emotionally invested in something that had absolutely nothing to do with them. I don’t want to go into too many details because I don’t want to take away from the point of this post but I will say this…when it ended? Um yeah, it ended so destructively that lines were drawn, sides were taken and people who had previously called themselves my best friends? Well they lined up to lynch mob me with their sticks and stones before even asking me my side of the whole damned situation.
Before I go on, let me freely admit that I had done some really terribly messed up things but again, these things were between me and the person I was dating and really wasn’t anyone else’s business. And yet, when they pulled out the stake and lit the bonfire, I was the first to strap myself into that fucker as if it were the most exciting and newest ride at Disneyland. I willingly went with my head down, ready to be crucified. Ready to be burned at the stake. Ready to do whatever it took to make these people like me again and stop talking about me as if I were some nobody that they hadn’t just said “I love you” to weeks earlier. They fancied themselves victims of my “crimes” even though what they really were was gossip mongering whores, ready to jump on the next bandwagon…as long as it increased their own popularity.
That’s the thing about people who simply play the “victims”…they always need someone dying in their names. They need someone to punish. They don’t want to look at their part in anything lest they see the ugliness that rests deep down in their souls. Let me ask you this…what kind of a person kicks someone else when they are down? What kind of light shines within someone when they can throw sticks and stones at another without checking their own backyard first? And most importantly, why do we feel like we have to bow down and let these sorts of people have any say-so over us when we have messed up and wronged another?
As I mentioned yesterday, it is one thing to be humble and practice the art of humility but where do we draw that line? When someone makes a mistake, I expect them to say that they are sorry and then make whatever strides they can to fix their actions. Oh but let me clarify, that is if they have wronged ME. Let’s pretend I have a friend that did something really screwed up to another friend of mine. I may not be amused by it all and may express my concern and disappointment but that is where it stops. What happens between two other people is none of my business nor should I go getting upset over it in the first place. Who am I to judge another person’s actions anyway? Do you know how much fucked up shit I have done in my life?
People make mistakes. It doesn’t mean they set out to hurt you or destroy you…it just means that they are human and fallible. I am so tired of seeing people shrinking down in a corner, allowing their mistakes to make them feel so small. I did it for so long after my separation and you know what, it was a stupid thing to do. Only people with victim mentaltiy will continue to make you pay for something over and over again when you’ve said sorry more times than you can count. The funny thing though? Most people who are still cowering from their wrongs are actually hiding from themselves more than anything else. If you want someone else to truly forgive you, you’ve got to forgive yourself and move forward, right?
So to anyone that has them, I say go ahead and throw your sticks and your stones. As a child, I was pretty sure that I could outrun any mean words that anyone could throw my way but that I was way too slow not to get hit with rocks. As an adult? The things you throw at me, whatever they are, keep on bouncing off and even if you get through enough to bruise me? Bruises heal too.
Back To Work Kisses,
Me
49 Responses to “Messiahs Need People Dying In Their Names…”
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November 11th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Sometimes I think people play the victim for so long that they forget they don’t have to.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@Avitable, You are absolutely right about that. It’s easier to lay down and make someone else the bad guy rather than look at your own shit, I suppose. You know me, I’d rather look at all of the ugly details, guts out on the table and then deal with that and move forward!
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November 11th, 2009 at 8:43 am
You are a woman wise beyond your years. Amazing post.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@bubblewench, Why thank you. I’m going to take that comment to mean that you think I am totally young.
Bwahaha.
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November 11th, 2009 at 8:53 am
You said it all honey. I love this post.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@Karen Sugarpants,
And I
you!
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November 11th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Thank you for this entry today – I really needed to read it this morning.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
@Robin, I’m glad it was here for you then. I love days like that my damned self.
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November 11th, 2009 at 9:59 am
“If you want someone else to truly forgive you, you’ve got to forgive yourself and move forward, right?”
so true, so very true.
and exactly what i needed to read. thanks for the reminder!
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@hello haha narf, It’s so hard to forgive ourselves because as humans we’re conditioned to feel guilt. If you couple that with the guilt others want to continually lay on us rather than try to forgive us or understand us? Sometimes self-forgiveness can seen insurmountable. If I am truly sorry and someone truly cannot forgive me, I have to walk away from them in order to learn to love myself again. It’s sad but necessary.
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November 11th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Some people don’t function unless they are the central hub of all things dramariffic. It sickens me to see blogging adults act like back stabbing a-holes. Everyone thinks they are more important than they really are. Judging people based on their digital footprint is proof that they need to get off the Internet. Real life reindeer games suck too.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
@Foo, You said it, sister. At the time that all happened, I cried myself to sleep every night because these people who were my internet friends turned on me so quickly and I didn’t get it. If that happened now, I’d probably not be so DQ about it because I’ve been around the block and have seen the way people operate all to attain some faux fucking “popularity” that hi, is fleeting.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:04 am
This was an excellent post. And the thought of anyone throwing sticks and stones at you really upsets me. I know it can’t hurt you, but you’re my friend… and it hurts me. Plus, it kind of makes me want to gouge someone’s eyes out. I mean, in the most peaceful and zen like way possible, of course.
Perhaps this is why people join in on the lynch… humans have a tendency to over-invest in the people we love, and we forget that we’re supposed to be kind to everyone, not just the people we like.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@Faiqa, I’ve seen the same amount of cruelty in this world that I’ve seen kindness and it’s amazing how many people, like you said, forget to turn a blind eye and be kind to those who they may not like.
Um, I so hate to pull out a “What Would Jesus Do?” on these bozos but seriously, I’m about to get a rainbow bracelet that says that and go “bam!” in their faces every time they act like asses.
Wonder if people will think I’m dorky…
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I was a lynch mob victim at an early age, for something I didn’t actually do, so I learned early that I never wanted to be on either end of one ever again. If the mob comes after one of my friends, I’m the guy that will hold your hand and run with you so you can get away. And afterwards we’ll gab about dramalicious whores. But my dog won’t get in the fight, even if the mob comes after me. I have no time for professional victims.
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Finn Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@Lisa, Yet another way we are alike! I refuse to engage.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@Lisa, Isn’t it amazing how many people in a lynch mob actually have nothing to do with the situation causing the uproar in the first place? That is the most fascinating part in all of this.
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Miss Britt Reply:
November 12th, 2009 at 9:38 am
@Lisa, me too. Both the cause and the effect.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I am always thankful that I got into blogging late enough in my life to be past all that bullshit.
In my life I am generally Switzerland. And if you throw rocks at me, well, it’s hard to hit a moving target.
Although I might give you the finger as I walk away…
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
@Finn, You know, for as terrible as the whole situation was, I am grateful for the lessons that it taught me. I think each of these instances where someone has tried to tear me down to shreds, it’s only made me that much stronger and made me recognize my worth that much more.
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November 11th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I know many, many adults who play victim, and will, their whole lives. Some people just love the drama and bullshit and attention it gets them.
I don’t want, nor do I need, that crap in my life. I am loyal to friends to the bone, though, and even if they’ve done something I wouldn’t do, I will remain their friends and stick up for them no matter what. I am like Finn – Switzerland.
Also, names tend to hurt people for far longer than sticks and stones.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
@Sybil Law, I have this friend who has had maybe one tragic thing happen to her all of her life. When the second one happened, she went on a tirade about how all people are assholes and how the whole world is out to get her. Why her? Why did bad things always happen to her? Why was she constantly a victim of people’s wrongdoings?
I sat there and listened to her whine for months as I silently counted up, on every finger and every toe and then back again, how many people had done me wrong in my life and how I had never once let myself become as much of a victim as she had.
At that moment, I felt blessed to be born a very strong woman.
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Sybil Law Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
@Hilly, So freaking true! I have a friend who freaks out over anything, everything and nothing, and I’m like, calm the eff down!!! Save that drama for when you need it, girl – who – cried- wolf!
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November 11th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Whenever Person A says nasty things about Person B, I always wonder two things … first, what did Person B do to deserve such hate (rarely are they completely innocent) and second, what’s so wrong with Person A’s life that they need to put such hate into the world? Usually, there’s a pretty good answer to both questions … words like that are never one-sided.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@SoMi’s Nilsa, I think the world would be a much better place if Person A and Person B were the only one that got involved in such hate and drama as well. Dragging other people into it? That’s where it gets all tricky and icky and all that other bad stuff.
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November 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Hilly, this post really hit home today. Recently I have been put in the middle of a very ugly situation … your words have provided me some much-needed clarity. Thank you!
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
@Kate, You are more than welcome. I hope that you can walk away from whatever it is completely unscathed.
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November 11th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
What a wonderful wise post. I completely agree.
I am sorry you had such a horrible experience. Thinking about it makes me feel really sad. I am happy you are at a stronger wiser place now where you forgive your mistakes and know you are a wonderful person no matter what.
I wish people could treat each other well, be honest and be kind to each other. I guess until the world changes I/we will have to live by that and hope others follow.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@radioactive tori, At the time, I was a victim of my own wrongdoings. Meaning, I wasn’t innocent in anything and yet still, I should not have been treated as horribly as this group of people treated me. I mean, we’re talking people pretending to want to be my friend again just so that they could spread my information to their little collective. Bleh.
You are right though. It made me stronger and strengthened the ability that I have to see through people’s bullshit from a mile away.
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November 11th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I think we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of, done things we wish we’d done differently. People are messy creatures… but at some point you have to make a decision that life isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something you actively take a role in…
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
@Nat, A life that just happens isn’t a life that’s being lived. Amen to that!
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November 11th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Wish I had the words come out like you do…
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@sue, Sometimes it’s a curse because I’m really critical about what I write.
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November 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Oooh I think I needed to read this today.
I think the whole “mean people suck” is an oversimplification in a way because I do think that all people have a capacity to be mean. It’s just that one would hope that by the time we all got to be adults, we’d grow out of it.
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Hilly Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
@Fluffycat, I’d love to give the world the benefit of the doubt. In fact, that may be one of my downfalls.
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I really hate the lynch mob mentality. It is human nature at its ugliest. I also hate to think of people being mean to you. Whether you made a mistake or not is irrelevant. Uncivilised idiots.
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:14 am
@Selma, People rarely stop to think about the person on the other end of their mobbish tirades. I always feel bad for the underdog because of this. Yes, maybe someone screws up but at the same time, do they deserve to be treated like garbage? I think not.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:22 am
ahhhh….good old live journal. i used to be crysanne, arbiteroftruth, brigidshine, pantyclad … i was extremely LJPopular which at the time was kind of a cool thing. but yeah, talk about dramalicious. a hotbed.
i have a couple of besties now, however, that i met @ LJ. i still have an acct just to follow the handful of people who are hanging on to that place.
maybe you were on my FL omg
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:14 am
@Peau, We may have been. I cannot even remember every friend I have there. I’d put my LJ name here but I don’t want it searchable, haha.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:42 am
OK! JEEZ! I HEAR YOU!
Seriously though, I was having a conversation with someone at 2 o’clock this morning, and I heard your words in my head.
And I sat up and said “enough”. Maybe not literally, but definitely clearly.
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:16 am
@Miss Britt, It warms my heart that you thought about my words at 2am. I mean that too.
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November 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Your wisdom amazes me, and of course you are completely right.
If only more people could be like you!
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:17 am
@Sarcastica, I don’t know if we want more people being like me, haha.
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November 12th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Oh yes. The mob mentality is freaky, isn’t it? It’s always something with them. Hm.
You’re a love, Hilly. Sorry you got caught up in it too. I’ve been there before. I’ll be there again. We’re all one blog post away from being torn apart by the mob, right?
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:18 am
@Aunt Becky, Exactly. As bloggers, we choose to put ourselves out there and if we are honest, we share those opinions without kowtowing to the masses. I’d rather be me and be picked apart for it than be some sugar coated version of Hilly.
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November 13th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Here via Five Star Friday… Thank you for your honesty and humility here. A compelling post indeed. I will be back.
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:19 am
@Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities, Thank you so much for stopping by! I will definitely be checking out your blog as well.
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November 14th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I used to need to be surrounded by drama. I thrived from the rush, the high stung emotions, the intensity of it all. If there wasn’t drama in my life, well, I’d stir it up in someone else’s life. I lost several friends that way.
Took me a long time to realize that being surrounded by drama, it kept me from dealing with my own issues.
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Hilly Reply:
November 15th, 2009 at 9:20 am
@Becky, Honestly, I used to love it too. I have a knack for getting bored really easily and for some reason, I thought drama was the answer at times. Now I know that there are better ways to get out of a rut for sure!
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