Archive for the ‘Curious Hilly’ Category

Snackie’s Confession Booth…

October 8th, 2008

The biggest reason I pull out the old “confession booth” every few months has nothing to do with not having anything else to post about. Usually it’s more about me being needy for lots and lots of interaction with people and/or the comfort that comes from knowing other people are just as fucked up as I am. Oh hey, check it out, I’ve made a confession already! Anydoodle, the reason I am bringing the Confession Booth back today is quite different! Not one, not two, but *three* different people have emailed me in the last week asking me when I’d post it! And yanno, not being a person to let anyone down (oooh, another confession), I thought we’d go ahead and play today!  I can’t think of a better time actually, since the seasons are changing (for most of you) and because I am going to be busy with out of town guests arriving for Blizzcon!

Some of you know and love the Confession Booth posts whereas others of you are “new” to my blog since the last shindig.  You can see previous confession booth posts by clicking here! A lot of those old posts were imported from TypePad so please excuse how totally ghetto-fabulous they look what with their fucked up alignment and broken images. You’d think I would go back and fix it but hey, confession….I am a lazy fucking beyotch! However, as always, I actually will post a snippet that was included in the very first confession booth post so that you know how it all works. See how giving I am? See, dammit?

“So I got to thinking…..we need a good old, soul cleansing confessional here in the PRB. Of course, if you want to talk about crazy things that have major psychological depth, Post Secret always loves to hear from people. But what about the small stuff? Life’s aggravations, accomplishments, random thoughts, and various other things that we never admit to anyone?

Well, that is where the “Snackie Confession Booth” comes into play! You are welcome to come here and confess to something, no matter how big or small. If you want to get real deep and do so anonymously, I won’t out you. If you want to be “yourself” and talk about random stuff that you would just LOVE to confess, dig it….and then do it!

Everyone is welcome! In fact, tell your friends to swing by and let a load off of their chests, if only for a moment. You can confess to one thing, two things or many things and can come by as many times as you like!

IMPORTANT ADDITION: If you want to comment anonymously, please use a fake email address such as me@me.com and you can use www.snackiepoo.com as your URL or it will revert to the one you have used here before! “

Now then, just so you know…I comment anonymously on these things quite a bit.  But for now, here are my confessions that I don’t mind sharing with the world:

1.  I keep making promises to God that I’ll stop listening to Concrete Blonde’s Tomorrow, Wendy but I never keep the promise.  The last time I swore never to listen to it again, I was going to Jester’s house and my needle was below “E”.  I promised God that if he let me make it to the gas station, I’d totally take the cd out of my player and never listen to the blasphemy again.  Today, I faltered.  I’m sorry but with that song’s kick ass lyrics, how can I stop myself?

2.  Even though I already have a plane ticket to Florida, I am still not sure I can afford to go.  I had a roommate lined up but now, not so  much.

3.  I’ve been plotting my mass consumption of every carb on the planet for about five days now.  Even though I’ve successfully lost 26 pounds, I just want or need a day off.  With that being said, the reason I am stoked for Blizzcon has nothing to do with friends coming in or the fact that Shawn is not on a panel this year (which means a bigger likelihood to drag him to Disneyland).  Nope, it’s all about the fact that I am eating a real fucking meal Friday night!  I’ve deiced to let Friday be a “day off” from no carbs.

4.  My life contains a very complicated situation and yet, it doesn’t stress me out at all.  It’s the most peaceful storm I’ve ever been in.

Now then…time for YOUR freak flags to fly high!

Feeling Very Halloweenie Kisses,
Me

Posted in Confession Booth, Curious Hilly | Comments (54)

Because You Love Me…

September 26th, 2008

I got a call from a friend of mine this morning announcing that she’d broken up with her boyfriend of almost five years.  I never really liked the guy all that much, so I tried to downplay my enthusiasm since yanno, she was in pain and all that.  When I asked her why, she told me that is was a combination of many things but one thing really stood out:

“Do you know Hilary, that in the five years we’ve been together, he’s never been able to tell me exactly why he loves me?  Whenever I would ask him why, he’d say ‘because I just do’.  You would think that his ass could come up with at least one better descriptive than that, for God’s sake!”

I snorted a little at her indignation, offered up the usual condolences mixed with the “more fish in the sea” and “take some time for yourself” platitudes then hung up and started thinking.  Have *I* ever had a relationship where my significant other couldn’t tell me why he loved me?  And then it struck me…I used to be head over heels in love with a boy.  In fact, we were pretty much stuck at the hip for a few years.  Whenever I asked him why he loved me, he would say, “Because you love me.”

What?  I am sorry but “because you love me” is just not a good enough reason.  Look, I get that some people don’t know how to express themselves all that well but seriously?  Every now and then a person wants or maybe even needs to hear why they are loved.  Personally, I am not the type to go around annoyingly asking every five seconds but every now and then, in a fit of either insecurity or in a schmoopy doopy moment, I will ask.  I expect more than “because I just do” ‘or “because you love me“.  Why do I expect more?  Because *I* give more.

When I am asked why I love someone, I tend to be the list-maker type.  I mean, seriously, if I can’t find at least five reasons why I love someone, then I probably shouldn’t be claiming love in the first place, right?  So yeah, that’s my type…Listy McWordsalot.  I usually say something like…

“You’re smart, you’re sexy, you’re generous to a fault, you listen when I speak, you let me be myself, you have a unique way of looking at the world, you make me laugh, you’re gentle and loving and when I’m with you, I feel like I can conquer the world.”

Other people define their love for another in a more “situational” way.  I’ve heard people describe the moment they fell in love with someone and if you think about the following sentence, you can see why…

“Remember that time when I was really sick?  You brought me soup and read me that SciFi book even though you *hate* SciFi?  It was then that I knew I loved you.”

Then, there is the poetic and romantic type.  They may not be able to list reasons but at least they are trying to convey how someone makes them feel…

“I can’t describe it exactly but everything about you makes me happy and I just want to be with you all of the time.”

Even this type is better than nothing.  Pure flowery romance but I’d way rather hear that someone gets butterflies around me than uh, “they love me because I love them”…

“I get butterflies in my stomach not only when you’re around but also whenever I think of you.”

Which type are you?  Or…do you have another approach when asked that question?  I’ll tell you what…I know some people hate that question but hey, it’s much better than “what are you thinking about?”.  Hell, I am a woman and I don’t even want to be asked what I am thinking about.  Besides, I think about my pure friendships the same way.  If asked why I am friends with someone, I still list reasons, haha.

Maybe other people are fine hearing “because you love me” and think I am bat shit crazy for thinking that is the lamest reason evar!  But for me?  It’s just not something I ever want to hear again.  Not at all.

Love On A Friday Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Friendship, Love | Comments (32)

An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…

August 21st, 2008

What mask do you wear?   Okay…maybe you don’t ALWAYS wear one and your life is perfect, but if you are a member of the dysfunctional club just like I am, once in awhile you wear a mask, right?   And if you do, what does it cover up?  And more importantly, how does it help you get through otherwise awful situations?

My mask is Wonder Woman.  She’s brave and kicks ass right and left.   Nothing slows her down or scares her because her bracelets shield her from the outside world and forces of evil that want to hurt her.  She doesn’t live in the problem but speeds through to the solution.  She teaches the ideals of peace instead of war, even though sometimes she rages against the machine by busting the liars, users and all bad guys in general.   She drives an invisible jet and hopes thinks that you can’t see her flying around, even though you can.  She’s beautiful AND loving and let’s face it…she looks pretty damned good in a patriotic leotard.

I wear that mask a lot and part of me wonders if it truly is just a mask or if it’s just a small part of who I am?  Maybe a large part?  Even so, now and again, I want to take off my Wonder Woman jammies and be weak enough to let someone else hold me while I cry.   I want to hide behind my hair when I see someone who has hurt me because if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me.   I want to tell you when I am sitting here with hot tears streaming down my cheeks because I fail to know who I am or what I want right now.  I want you to hold my hand while I admit that I am scared almost all of the time.  I want there to NOT be an endless amount of crime-fighting that needs to be done because I feel like I need to save everyone while my own soul deteriorates.  I want answers yet I don’t want to have to pull superheroine moves in order for you to give them to me.

But also?  I’m tired of tears, talks and tiptoeing through the hard questions.  There is only so much sitting and reflecting that one hot ass crime fighting bitch like me can take before she suits back up and gets ready to take on the world, or at least her small part of it.  I’m ready to be in the forefront, going through my life with a diamond studded machete, weeding out the crap then eventually building a new fortress made of “pure awesome”.  I’m ready to stop settling and to start banishing the funk from my life…and yes, by “funk”, I mean people and things that are just not healthy for me anymore.  Wonder Woman wants to get in her invisible hoop ride, bump some Eminem and take care of major business.

Maybe I can be both.  Maybe the mask I wear doesn’t always have to be attached so tightly to my face and hell, maybe I can find a better freaking costume than a roll-showing leotard.  Either way, this is the truth about me…candy coating hard shell with a very melty heart.  I’d like to fool everyone into thinking I’m 100% badass all of the time but let’s be honest here, I’m only badass 89% of the time…*snort*.

So I ask you, do you ever feel like you wear a mask or are painted into some sort of emotional category that you just want to leave behind for a day…maybe longer?  As long as I’m not alone in this, I feel comfortable sharing my deepest psychoses with you all.

Flat Stanley Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Technology, Redefining Hilly | Comments (27)

A Thousand Ways To Woo A Lover So Sincere…

August 8th, 2008

Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “R” for “Reader’s Choice”.  You see, more than a few of my friends are in that “newly dating” stage and they have questions!   Some are recently divorced after heinous 10 year marriages that went south, some have lost a bunch of weight and don’t know how to handle their new found hotness, while others have just plain decided that it is time to get back on that horse again.  And yet….they all want to know the same thing:  why in the hell does it seem like no matter how much we women don’t want to play games, we have to because to do otherwise would cause a man to go screaming into the night?  In fact, one person is so verkelmpt over this issue that she specifically asked if I could make this a post topic since I’m less afraid to ask these questions than she is!  Who am I to run from a challenging subject?

I was reminded that I wanted to talk about this yesterday when I was flipping through the channels and landed on Roswell for a moment.  The girl, Liz Parker, was writing in her diary about her deep love and obsession for Max, the alien.  She said:

What did he mean when he said, “I’ll see you in school”?  Did he mean, “I won’t be able to breathe until we meet again” or was it just something someone says…to like, fill space.  And what is he thinking right now? Is he also obsessed, tortured, going from one sleepless night to the next wondering what’s gong to happen between us?

Then they cut to a scene of him sleeping so heavily that he was drooling and snoring.  And I thought to myself, “Ha….totally!”.  She was completely obsessing over whether or not he was thinking of her and uh, he was sleeping.  I’m not making this about gender or anything like that; it just happens that in *this* instance, he was the one who was clearly *not* stressed out about it.

It’s like that a lot, isn’t it?  One person “seems” to be more into the other, but how can you really tell?  For arguments sake, let’s just say some people who seem aloof actually spend way too much time pretending not to care in an effort not to be exposed or get hurt, I guess.  On the flip side, other people care too much and way too quickly because they’re in love with the *idea* of love, yet not the actual person.

Truth be told, I’m a bit rusty when it comes to all of this stuff, however I seem to be giving out dating advice like kisses lately.  One thing…or rather *theme* that I have come across is this: more often woman want to have the “where is this relationship headed” talk than the men do.  I blame this on our eternal need for nesting (and our predilection for obsessing).   My advice, more often than not, is to just let that shit go until they are sure the man they are dating is ready.  I find myself telling them to wait it out and just enjoy what they have before he eventually comes around.  After I recently gave that advice to someone she said to me, “Isn’t it sad that men hate it when we play games but it is their causal and aloof attitudes that often force us to play them just so we won’t get dumped before they realize just how amazing we really are?”.

I pondered that for a moment and wondered if I had been truly advising my friend to play a game or if my intention was to just help her in the self-preservation arena.  You see, I’ve never been one for playing games but still…I now wonder if protecting oneself counts as a game or not?  Where is that line in the sand?  What counts as a game versus what counts as common sense?  Hell, why can’t we just all be honest with each other about exactly how we feel rather than all this other bullshit?  Yeah, I know…idealistic much?

One thing that sucks is that some people tend to do is pretend that the person they are dating means a lot less to them than they actually do.  Mostly it’s women (but sometimes men) who study their new partner and learn when to move forward, when to pull back, when to seem aloof and when to let you know that they care.  Some people view this as a game, but I am here to tell you that in this day and age, it almost seems like a necessary evil.  I find myself giving the same advice a lot….to pull back and just chill so that the person comes to *them* without pressure.  But is that playing games or is that just knowing how to read people and having found a niche in human nature?  When does self-preservation become a game?  When does knowing when to fold ‘em and when to hold ‘em scooch over that dangerous line of being lame game central?

I always thought games were more deliberate.  I never gave out ultimatums.  I never pressured anyone by saying “I love you” if I knew that they did not love me too.  I never demanded anyone’s time.  I never made up scenarios for the man I was dating to come to my rescue.  I never found a way to make him stop seeing more than one person until he was ready.  I’m sure that I never played a game with a man, yanno…after my early 20’s ended.

But I ask you…those little things that we do, like pulling back so the other person is less scared, not bringing up a topic so as not to scare someone away, pretending to be aloof when all we want to do is breathe someone in…..are these things games or just a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt?  My guess is that it would be in the intention, just like everything else.  If someone says, “Oh I am so not calling him for days and you watch….he’ll come running!”, then that is kind of evil.  It’s like pre-meditated asshattery, if you ask me.  But if someone says, “I am just giving him some space and trying not to be needy” then I have no problem with it.  Ha, seriously…is it the same thing in the end?  And for the record, I’ve been married for 5 years so yanno, I’m asking this from a whole weird and different viewpoint.

Anyway, please help out the daters and chime in….do you think games are necessary or under no circumstances, no matter how small, are they acceptable?

Dear Abby Kisses,
Me

Posted in Confused Hilly, Curious Hilly, Hilly on Love | Comments (22)

These Tapes In My Head Swirl Around…

June 25th, 2008

Yesterday I blogged about giving up control and letting things go with the flow no matter how hard that is to do.  However, I was reminded quite quickly today about something that I’ve not yet been able to master.  I don’t even know what the brief name for it is, but I do know this…every now and then someone will say something to me and my whole world comes crashing down around me, if only for a split second.  I know that sounds dramatic, but I mean for it to sound that way so that maybe you’ll understand exactly how my insides feel when I hear something that I’d rather not.

It’s not always something mean or hurtful, either.  In fact, if someone were to stand up and call me a “fat fucking bitch”, I’d probably laugh it off and wonder why they couldn’t find a more intelligent way to attack me.  I think these feelings come more from the the “things I don’t ever want to hear from someone I care about” category.  I’m  going along, thinking things are one way, then a strange sentence gets tossed out there and rather than just laughing it off like I fucking should, I let it take the wind out of my sails.  Hey, I’m not proud that I do this  but I’m trying to be as honest as I can with myself in an effort to change and grow.

Here’s the kicker though…normally, I’d simply ask, “Wait, what did you mean by that?” and clear it up like Johnny On The Spot!  Every now and then though, I get tongue tied and twisted and by the time I’ve figured out that I really need to ask rather than stew, it seems petty and ridiculous.  However, it’s even more ridiculous for me to have all of these bottled up emotions, stirring, causing me to cry, making me worry, blah fucking blah…when I could just ask the question.

I guess I’m sort of wondering what other people do.  I know someone is going to come here and tell me to just let it go and not let stupid phrases have so much control over me.  Believe you me, I’ll sleep tonight and my world will go on turning but at the same time, my mind will be wondering what the hell so and so meant by that, dammit!  Anyway…thoughts?

Swimmy Head Kisses,
Me

Posted in Confused Hilly, Curious Hilly | Comments (29)

Girl Dancin’ Down Those Dirty And Dusty Trails…..

May 21st, 2008

Let’s pretend that you’re about to go through a major life change.  As a result of this change, your life is pretty much free to be lived however and wherever you want it to.  You can roll like a tumbleweed for maybe a moment or two but eventually?  You need to settle your ass down.

Where would you live?  Would you move to a place where you have family, even though they’re not exactly thrilled with you at the moment?  Would you go where you have lots of friends with open arms, lots of laughter and hugs to last a lifetime?  Would you just open a map, point, and go to some random spot?  Do you think practically or do you, for once, through the restraints of practicality out of the window and start living your life exactly the way you want to and where you want to?

I’d love to know what *you* would do….yanno, hypothetically.

Bustin’ Boundaries Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (45)

Line Me Up In Single File With All Your Grievances….

May 20th, 2008

When I left my house this morning, I was thinking a lot about self-deprecation and why we all do it so much.  What I’m starting to notice is this trend of "putting myself down before you can do it" and you know what?  It sucks to feel that way.  Before anyone starts reminding me that I just "windexed" the glass house that I live in, I am well aware that there is a little pot/kettle action going on right now.  Then again, how can you really and deeply recognize something in another person when you’ve not been the same way yourself?  Some may come and argue that you can but today, that’s not the case.

I cannot count how many times I’ve referred to myself as "my fat ass" or something similar.  I’d need twenty million abacuses to figure out the mathematics involved in how many times I’ve used humor to deflect, sarcasm to hide or any other number of random things that I can do in order to make sure that you don’t hurt me.  The funny thing is….you’re probably not the one that’s going to hurt me at all.  Still, because I want you to like me or need you to love me, I want to hide behind my prickly skin…you know, the one where nothing bothers me as long as *I* say it first.

I’ve been trying to determine whether it is always about protecting myself though…sometimes I make jokes at my own expense because they’re funny.  If I can’t laugh at myself then what the hell is life going to be like in the long run?  Trust me, no one wants to see stressed out Hillymonster who lives in a land of self-flagellating her mistakes away.  Hrm, something about that seemed a little bit sexy and hot but it probably shouldn’t, right?  In any case, it seems to me that my intention is what I should be looking at….am I immediately defending myself with humor just to save myself from your ridicule because I need your approval?  Or….am I just being a silly Hilly who is having a good time with herself?

I’m reflecting upon this today and wondering where we all draw that line in the sand.  I know that when I watch others do it, I just want to hug them and say that I love them no matter what their flaws are.  I want to empathize and let them know that their hearts and souls are safe with me.  But then again, I don’t want them to soften just for me when the world can be a cruel place.  I’d feel shitty for taking away someone’s hard candy shell….or would I?  Hrm, thoughts?

Promising A Show Daily Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (30)

If A Tree Falls In The Forest…..

December 5th, 2007

This Blog Crush Day thing has brought up an interesting thought process in my head….well, interesting to *me* anyway.  The whole premise is about crushing on someone’s blog and what we know of them from how little or how much they care to share with us.  It’s not so much about the person who exists wholly in real life, but more about the persona created on a web page.  I’m not saying that the two are mutually exclusive but yanno….there are so many things that we don’t know about each other that could fill in some of those gaps.

Unless of course you know each other in real life, then the rules sort of change….but the amount of blogs I read versus the amount of bloggers I know in real life?  Yeah.  And even then, my BFFs that I know in real life?  I don’t see them on a daily or even weekly basis so we’ve got that whole long distance friendship angle to work with.

Wow.  Derailed.  Fully.  Moving right along….

Because I’m not there to see what my blogging friends do in every day life, sometimes some of the things you guys say sort of shock me.  And believe it or not, I’m not speaking of the crazy sex talk, wanting to kill someone on the highway talk or even the copious amounts of imaginary swear words made up on a daily basis.  (Pot, kettle, what?)  I’m talking about things like reading that one of you attempted to change your own car battery.  Yesterday when I read that, I thought, "What?  He changes his own car batteries?  I’ve never thought of him that way…."  I guess it’s just that I don’t picture people doing everyday things even though I know in my head that they do. 

It’s an odd thing that we don’t know more of the little things about each other like that.  Like did you know that I plumb?  Wait, is "plumb" an actual verb?  Hrmmm.  In any case, yes…I can do plumbing on my own pipes.  Minds out of gutter, thanks.  Would you ever picture me, the princess, under a sink with a wrench?  It’s true!  I can do it!

I almost think that’s why I love everyone’s "100 THINGS ABOUT ME" lists.  It’s a way to get to know more of the inane details of someone’s life.  I want to be able to walk up to a blogger when I first meet them and say, "Oh yes, you sew all of your own clothes, dont you?!?!".  Or yanno, something like that.  It’s not just about what people can do but about what they DO do.  Like, I love the fact that I know the caffeine habits of at least 10 bloggers out there.  I’ve watched them order tea, coffee fancy, coffee black and diet soda.  I know it sounds a bit wee-tarded but still, I like the little things and crave knowing what I do not know.

I think it’s like the tree thing….if one of you fell down in the forest and I wasn’t there, would you still make a noise when you yelled out the phrase "mother fucking cock sucking whore"?

So in the interest of the little things that make us all special, what can you tell me about yourself?  No huge revelations needed, just small things.  Tell me one, tell me many….whatever.  I’m easy breezy and like a Sunday morning that way.  As I said, I plumb.  I like my coffee with two yellows and a bit of lowfat milk.   I can change my own oil in my car.  I choose not to.  I can sing.  Well.  My favorite sandwich is a BLT.  With turkey bacon.

Those are just little examples of what I am talking about.  What are yours?

Loving You All Too* Pieces Kisses,
Me

*(yes, RW - I meant to do that!)

Posted in Curious Hilly | Comments (45)

If You Have Nothing Nice To Say…..

November 13th, 2007

Lately I’ve not been feeling like myself in the sense that I am way more humble than usual.  Yanno, it’s not like I lack humility in general but there is always that little attention whore in me that feels the need to comment on a blog, even when the shit I have to say is really not necessary.  Lately, I’ve not been doing that.

There’s famous saying that goes a little something like this: "Do not speak unless you can improve on the silence".  But how the hell do you know when the silence is good and necessary vs. when you really need to say something to someone?  Generally, when I get out of sorts with a person, I head right for them and try to figure out what the hell is going on.  I’ve always been a ball-busting force of "let’s fix it" nature but lately I feel like I’m curving my body to fit everyone else’s bow. 

I never miss a good chance to shut up.  I know when it is time to dial it back and stay quiet.  But I also associate silence with extreme anger because that is where I go when I don’t know how to contain my vitriolic words.  People that know me well exclaim, "Oh she’s quiet….Hilary must be pissed!"  It’s good fun and all that, but it is sadly also true.

But back to the bow and the curving…..what do you think is better?  Staying quiet and leaving well enough alone when it eats at you OR saying what you need to say and letting the chips fall where they may?  What do you do?

I’m sure the answer would be to find peace in the unspoken words but seriously….have you met me?

Silence Is Not Always Golden Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2007 | Comments (28)

Because There’s A Little Slim Shady In All Of Us…..

November 7th, 2007

Lies, lies, lies, yeah…..

We all tell them, right?  Oh I’m sorry…did I just offend you because you never ever ever tell a lie, not even a small one?  If you can honestly answer that question with a heartfelt "yes, you sooo totally offended me", then welcome to Minorityville….. population you.***  I’m not jaded or anything but I am sure that a fuck-ton of people lie every single damned day, whether it be small or heinously out of control.  The problem with claiming that you never lie is this…..there are so many types of lies these days that it’s hard to wriggle out of being called a "liar" by Kirk Cameron and his holy roller crew.  We’ve got big lies, lies that hurt, lies that cover-up the truth, white lies that hurt no one but make you seem better than you are, white lies told to spare feelings, lies of omission and whatever else you all can think of.  Taste the fucking rainbow of lies…..

I’m curious as to everyone’s stance on lying actually.  And let me be clear, I’m interested in the truth, not something that makes us look better because that’s just missing the point.  I had long discussions with two very different people this last week and am now curious as to where the majority is.  You see, one of my friends claims that she never ever lies….not even lies of omission.  Then I have another friend who completely believes that lies are okay if they are told to spare someone’s feelings or to keep your privacy intact.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Curious Hilly | Comments (45)