Archive for the ‘Emotional Diatribes’ Category

Here We Go Again…

September 23rd, 2008

There are days when I dream of packing it all in…closing up my blog, my Twitter account, my Facebook, uninstalling my feed reader and then living life with minimal time spent on the Wide Wide World of Web.  I’d then pack up my car and move to a small town…somewhere that has a change of seasons and where everyone would know my name.  I’d get a quiet job in a small office or open my own bakery/cafe.  I’d live a healthy lifestyle, become an active member of my community, maybe even have a kid or two.  That’s right…I’d be too busy to care about the net…no checking my Twitter every hour, no logging in to play Scrabble on Facebook every day, no feed reader with 300 unread items, and definitely not a blog where my honesty gets turned back against me more often than not.  I’d check in with friends through email, spending more time on a few rather than less time on many.  There’d be fun things like winter carnivals and hot coca by the fireplace as it actually snows outside.  I’d have found peace and quiet through unplugging and definitely paring down my life so that it is less about “surviving” and more about “living”.

I’m not naive…I know that wherever I go, there I am.  It’s not like I can instantly turn off that need to be connected to people and to feel a “part of”.  But a part of what exactly?  I’ve told myself, since we moved to Southern California five years ago, that I’d make friends locally.  I promised myself there would be tons of outings for coffee, drinks, art shows, and whatever else came my way.  When that didn’t happen, I comforted myself with the fact that I had cultivated the most wonderful online relationships.  Unfortunately, instead of continuing to try to find a place where I belong here, I just continued to dive deeper into the net world where I didn’t have to search.  I’m not saying that there’s a huge difference to me between online friends and real friends…in fact, most people move out of that bubble and into my heart, mixing the two.  I’m just saying that I wish I had more locally.  I know, join a club, go to church, volunteer…blah blah.  The truth of the matter is that I could yet I’ve not done so.

Maybe I’m just holding out for the day that I actually get to leave this place that I’ve disliked for the last five years.  Waiting is no good for me but today, I just want pretend that my fantasy will come true…picture myself in an older house with character, sipping apple cider on my porch swing, talking with neighbors…or yanno, anything else that resembles a total International Coffee moment.  Geez, maybe I just need to take a break from the net for awhile.  I wish I could say that with certainty…but the truth is, no matter how much I’d love to just “unplug”, my friendships *are* here and I’d not know how to live without them.

Still Confused By Last Night’s Heroes Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (35)

Don’t Need No Hateration…

September 17th, 2008

I’m not feeling very well today so bear with me if this post starts spiral into fountains of thought that never connect.  You know me…I always mean for things to come together at the end, delivered to you like a prime time television dramedy, gift wrapped with a pretty little bow.  Unfortunately, Tylenol Cold medicine has stolen my flair for the fancy so you get what you get!  Besides the fact that my head feels foggy, this subject is all discombobulated in my mind anyway so I hope to make sense if it by the end of what will inevitably be way too many paragraphs.

Anydiddle, one thing that I don’t understand (and never really have) is when a friend “break up” leads to an ugly custody battle of who gets whom.  It makes no damned sense to me whatsoever.  The crazy thing is that I tend to see this happen more in Internet relationships than not.  Suddenly people are taking sides in things that are none of their damned business to begin with and at that point, what might have been a salvageable friendship gets completely ruined.  I know from personal experience that I can have a huge falling out with someone due to frustrations that keep getting pushed below the surface.  Sometimes we blow up, sometimes we just stop talking to each other and sometimes there are tears.  However, unless a person is truly detrimental to my mental health, I like to leave the door open just in case one or both of us grows out of whatever fit we happen to be in at the time.  Hell, sometimes friend break-ups are just a part-time thing…a necessity to get some space, gather some perspective and then maybe rekindle what was so lost in the first place.

However…and this is a HUGE however, once someone starts spreading rumors about me to all of my friends or better yet, once they start trying to convince mutual friends that they should too dislike me, all bets are off.  There is nothing worse than hearing your deepest darkest secrets repeated back to you from a stranger whom you hardly know.  I’ve had people tell me that they can’t be my friend anymore because they saw what I did to so-and-so and don’t want to be next on my nonsensical beheading list.  Ahhh, well there’s a big fucking clue that the someone with whom I am in flux is playing the martyr and not owning up to her shit in all of this.  And then, whammo…the fighting starts, the gossiping behind each others’ backs, and the mock-hatred sets in.

Pause for the cause:  I say “mock hatred” because I don’t believe in hate.  However, I’ve said “I hate that fucking bitch” before meaning that I really can’t stand someone at all.  Somehow I’ve got to stop using that phrase when I get angry because I really don’t mean it.

In any case, recently I’ve had to just walk away from a couple of people who were really sucking my soul dry.  One thing that is really hard for me to do is stand by and watch someone put forth this public persona that has absolutely nothing to do with the shit they pull in real life.  Don’t get me wrong here…I am not talking about people who protect their identities with a net persona rather those who pull the wool over their readers eyes while giggling at their gullibility.  It almost reminds me of my Mom recording her answering machine message…

“Hi, you’ve reached blah blah blah.  I am so sorry that I am unable to get your call right now because everyone who calls here is truly important to me.  If  you’ll promise to leave me a message with your phone number included, then I will make every attempt possible to get back to you right away.  Thank you for calling and have a blessed day”.

I listened to her record that over and over, and as soon as she hit stop, she said something to the effect of, “But let’s  hope that fucking bitch Margo doesn’t call me because she does not count and I certainly do NOT wish her a blessed day.  In fact, she can go fuck her fat assed self!”.

Yeah, somehow I think my mother’s hypocritical influence should be a whole other post for a whole other day.  My point was that having to listen to and watch people that mirror that attitude is very hard on me.  It’s not just because I am judgmental and easily annoyed (even though I am, I have to admit it).  It’s got a lot to do with living through that crap in my childhood.  My mom, holy crap…she was the “put on the happy face and dance” type of person who showed one side publicly then became someone else behind closed doors.  Sadly, she always made sure we did the same thing growing up as well.

Let me get to the flipping point.  So, I’ve stopped a friendship or two but am happy to say that my BFFs still talk to those people.  Look, I cannot lie and say that my BFFs don’t know exactly how I feel about situations and/or understand the reasons that I’ve had to walk away.  However the important thing is, they make their own calls.  I would NEVER presume to tell someone who they should or should not be friends with.  I would NEVER ask anyone to choose sides.  One of the best things about life is that we’re all so different therefore creating this rule where there are no rules….you may like someone for the exact reason that I dislike them.  That’s just life and I feel that life shouldn’t be twisted into something ugly as much as it is.

Needless to say, this does stem from a situation which baffles me.  I’ve learned that someone has done the very things that I just swore I would never do.  In the end though…that’s them and I’m me.  While that sounds simplistic, it’s true.  I’ll live my life my way and if someone chooses to take sides then really, were they my friend in the first place?  Um…hell no.

Cherry NyQuill Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Friendship, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (36)

Reality Bites….

July 24th, 2008

When I said “I do”, I assumed that it would be forever.  I wasn’t a virgin but I wore white.   I felt that it was completely acceptable considering the fact that this felt like the “first time” finally feeling something greater than myself.  This was the happiest day of my life.  I remember feeling like the rest of the world had absolutely nothing on me.  No one could harm me.  Nothing could touch me.  I was invincible.  No, *we* were invincible.

I don’t know how it all fell down and went boom.  I really don’t.

There are a million things that I can blame on myself and maybe a hundred that I can blame on him.  I know that it takes two people to make or break a marriage but I’m telling you right now…I can’t fix whatever part of us broke inside of me no matter how hard I try.  And believe you me, I’m still trying even though it seems like a moot point these days.  It would be easier to not feel like a failure.  It would be simpler to have everything back to the way it was, or at least a new and improved version of that.  And honestly, I’d be a much better Hilly if I could throw away the box that contains my broken heart and start with a fresh one.

But that’s not realistic and besides, this hand-stitched yet crooked patchwork heart is what makes me well…me.

People keep asking me what’s going on with me lately and why I seem so down and “not myself”.  Other people joke about the increasingly cryptic nature of my blog posts.  I felt that it was time to come out of my secret garden and at least admit to you that one of the huge things that is going on right now in my life is this junk.  I don’t want to go into the details or exact nature because some of that stuff is just too private.  I fail to write about it here a lot because not only do I feel it is disrespectful to Shawn but also because I have in-laws that read this blog and well, you know.  Lastly, it’s too confusing and “back and forth” half of the time, as I guess all decisions of this nature can be.

Just when I think we’ve reached a point where I know what is going to happen, the road turns.  Then it turns again and again and again.  I just want to get off the merry go round of indecision and unhappiness and start living my life, no matter what that means.  I’m sleepwalking through my life, no matter how vibrant and fun-loving I seem on the outside.  I’ve gained a ton of weight that everyone is too polite to talk about…but we all know it’s true.  The weight gain is a hugely symbolic of my emotional state, FYI.  I’ve always lost really rapidly when I am happy and done exactly the opposite when I am not.  I’d also like to figure out a way to not wallow in self pity at the buffet table but that’s another post for another day.

The other day, Shawn paid off all of our debts.  He also paid off my car.  When all of that happened, it was decided that we need to finalize all of this once and for all.  Since Karl is here, the discussion was tabled until mid August when Shawn comes back from GenCon.  At first, I was opposed to the idea of having to decide everything right this second but when it comes down to it, I really need to learn how to rip off my band aids and just figure out what the hell I want out of my life.  I’m actually looking forward to this caucus as much as he is now…even though the answers all scare the living shit out of me.

So there you have it…nothing cryptic at all.  I feel so far out of my comfort bubble right now that I can literally feel my skin crawl.  You know what though?  I judge others for never being able to leap and yet here I sit, stuck in a moment or maybe even twenty.  It’s time to get real, live through the pain, and move forward…let’s just hope I can.

Simple Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly on Love, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (54)

Absolutely Barking Stars…

July 8th, 2008

I have no idea why, but lately I’ve been looking at almost everything through very jaded eyes.  No, really…I cannot even tell you how many exasperated sighs and exaggerated eye-rolls have been part of my daily routine during the last few weeks.  I’m not exactly worried that my somewhat dormant *truly snarky* side will take over permanently because this actually happens quite a bit.  Therefore, all I can do is “keep on swimming”, as the animated fish like to say.

But still…it’s time for another reevaluation.  Hrm, is that redundant?  Gah, whatever.  In any case, I’m starting to feel like I need to shed some more skin and find out who I really am now that I’m moving forward with life.  Sometimes I get so irritated with people, citing how much they’ve changed and all that other blah blah blah, when realistically, it’s me who keeps changing.  The funny thing about all of this is that I *know* exactly what’s happening but this time I just don’t like it.  You see, when I am going through these major phases of renovation inside of my own little soul, I tend to get really easily irritated at the antics of others.  I’m not saying that it’s right or fair, just that…well, I start focusing on the small stuff more than I would normally.  Also?  I tend to pull away from people.  I have this tendency to isolate myself and I can totally feel that one coming as I type.

I don’t want to do that this time.
I need my friends. 
I need my family. 
I need to reach out. 

Why pray tell, is that so hard?  It’s got to be that whole thing about breaking negative patterns.  So far in life, I’ve been pretty successful at doing that but uh…not always.  Maybe it’s just about being stubborn?  Maybe it’s just about wanting to seem strong and not show so many of my weaknesses all of the time?  Maybe I’m just tired of figuring it all out?  Maybe maybe maybe maybe…it could be anything. I’m just not getting it right this week but hey…no one gets it all of the time, right?  Oh please tell me that you’re imperfect too?

Anyway, I’m working on it. For me, the first step always involves blogging about it or talking about it to one person who I totally trust. I have to admit things before I can fix them…I’m just silly that way. Good thing I have a long drive ahead of me again today…time to think is always nice. Of course, so is time to talk to my friends (*cough.sputter.cough*).

Driving Ninety Down The Freeway Kisses,
Me 

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Redefining Hilly | Comments (23)

Jinkies, Where Are My Glasses?

June 24th, 2008

Whenever I look at a picture, my focus immediately goes to the primary object, especially if that “object” is a person that I know.  Even then, I look at them more deeply than I should, examining the smile behind their eyes or the fact that they have one sleeve rolled up but not the other.  It just seems to be what I do.  I find things underneath the surface and whatnot.  Eventually, my focus dissipates and I allow my eyes to roam, taking in the rest of the picture.  I take the silliest pleasure in being able to notice the small things in the background, like the half eaten peanut butter sandwich or that envelope with my name on it.  I’ll scan to see what other information I can garner from your 800×600 pixelated moment, but not because I’m a crazy stalker or anything like that.  It’s more like…I’m always examining every angle of everything all of the damned time.

You know what gets lost in moments like those?  Yes, you guessed it…the big picture.  It’s strange that I can’t look at some things and enjoy them without acting as if I’m reading Highlights magazine.  Part of me knows that it’s due to that nagging little detective in me who always feels as if she truly is Velma, that foxy smart chick from Scooby Doo.  If I want to, I can pretty much figure almost anything out, but the real question that has come up in my mind today is…do I want to?  Actually, if I want to dive into this even further, do I need to?

It’s no secret that I may sorta kinda slightly maybe have some control issues.  While I don’t want to control other people, I get downright frustrated and scared if I’m not at least controlling every little thing that relates to me.  However, lately I’ve had almost absolutely no control over anything in my life and it’s starting to make me a little bit feistier than usual.  Please don’t get me wrong…I’m not playing the victim here while I cry “oh, woe is me”.  When I say that I have no control over certain things, it’s because I’ve chosen to relinquish it rather than chase the elusive hope that I can make things go my way all of the time by analyzing them to death.

I’ve recently found myself in a situation where there is absolutely no control whatsoever and you know what?  I kind of like it.  I’ve let go of the whole “what am i doing”, “what happens next”, “what does this mean?” type of shit and have just allowed myself to be in my moments, enjoying them for what they are.  Yeah yeah, I know I don’t fool you…there is always a little voice in the back of my head but I am trying to just not listen to it all of the damned time.  Right now, my life is a huge fucking mess.  While some of that mess is just a bunch of pain and confusion, mixed with eggshells and uncertainty…there is another side of it.  It’s like the mess that gets made on Sunday mornings when you decide to read the whole paper in bed and maybe even eat there too.  Not all messes are bad….you just have to take into consideration how they were made in the first place!

I have no idea what is about to happen in my life…none.  So much is changing while so much remains the same.  Dave often uses the quote “wherever you go, there you are” and I find myself thinking about that a lot lately.  Just because there are pieces of me that are shattered and spread everywhere does not mean that they won’t all fall back together to form Hilly all over again.  Wherever I end up, I will still have those precious pieces of me to hold on to when it seems that I forget where I am or wonder why I am alone.

The truth is that I’m strong.  The truth is that I’m so scared right now that I’m crying as I type this.  The truth is that my heart breaks and smiles all at the same time.  The truth is that some days I want to slay dragons while others I just want to hide behind my prince.  The truth is that part of me loves.  The truth is that the other part of me can’t feel a damned thing.  The truth is that I pretty much talk about all of my feelings.  The truth is that I’m scared to say how I really feel too.  The truth is…I am Hilly and wherever I go, I’ll still be me.

Nutter Butter Kisses,
Me

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Pick Out Your Cloud….

June 16th, 2008

Banging banging banging….my head hits the brick wall over and over again. The words are stuck in my throat but they won’t leap out and onto my pages. I’m censoring again and it feels utterly stiffling this time. What I thought was left is now right and what I believed to be true may indeed be false. Shifting the gears, I try to catch up. I’m already so far behind that it makes more sense to stay here and find a new way. Again. Listening to the angry voices around me, I shrink into a violet that I only become when I need them to stop. To listen instead of speak. To care instead of condemn. Am I the only one whose eyes are fully open now? They don’t see me. They don’t hear me begging them to stop before my head explodes into a million pieces of candied confetti. The only thing to do at a time like this is keep driving to my happy place, even if it takes all night. In that place, the world bleeds in beautiful harmony and I once again feel safe. The noises stop.  It’s not hiding if I feel truly alive in that moment.  Just one moment then I’ll open my eyes again.  Face the noise.  Dive into the deep end, where it all begins again.

Prosaic Flow Kisses,
Me

Posted in Cryptic, Emotional Diatribes | Comments (26)

Forgive Me Love, If I Cry In Your Shower…

June 9th, 2008

Sometime around the middle of last week, I lost it.

I was sitting at my computer, not even paying attention to the words on my screen when my mind drifted off to a very forbidden place filled with tabu emotions and fruitless desires.  As I realized that I was treading down a path where I’d promised my heart we wouldn’t go, I rapidly snapped myself back into the land of firm reality.  Unfortunately, I think I sped back from my daydream way too quickly, causing a major traffic accident between my heart and my soul.

Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed.  You know the kind of crying where you just can’t catch your breath no matter how hard you try?  My immediate instinct was to dash off to the kitchen to find my phone and call Karl, and that is exactly what I did.  Although I don’t remember the exact words that came out of my mouth, I know that they centered around confusion, pain, and the fear of utter loneliness.  We only talked briefly as it was one of those moments that Karl is all too familiar with….one where I don’t need him to say all of the right words, but rather to listen while I cry.   And he did. Within five minutes of hanging up, this was dropped into my Gmail Inbox:

Just wanted to say that I know you can do anything. You’re one of the strongest people I know. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course.

Love you,
K

And yes yes, let’s all take a moment to gush over how sweet my best bud is but after that, there’s a point I want to make.  When I read that email, I actually thought to myself, “Yes I am strong. I can indeed do anything and everything if I just put one foot in front of the other, dammit!“.  And so, this being a truth that I was vehemently sold on, I began to wonder then, why the hell I had been hysterically lost just minutes before.  Don’t get me wrong…you all know that I think crying and getting those emotions out are fucking awesome but why so damned hysterical?

Then it hit me…..

I’d not been stuffing my emotions with food for a few days.  Actually, I’d not stuffed them with booze either.  I’d decided to dedicate myself to losing weight this time, no matter what came my way and in doing so, the voids weren’t getting filled up before I could truly feel them.  It was like this huge beacon of light came down from heaven above and I said, “Puhraiiiise Jayyy-zus!” because I finally understood what I had been doing to myself all of these years.

Later, I recounted this emotional upheaval to yet another good friend and in talking to him about it, I had this huge epiphany!  I just want to live in every emotion, breathe it in, deal with feelings as they come and be completely in real moments rather than walking through life avoiding it all by stuffing it with one thing or the other.  Whether it be blissful elation that makes my whole being sing or gut-wrenching pain that seems to physically break my heart, I want to actually be in my own moments, for Christ’s sake.*  I know that it won’t always be easy….in fact, it probably will be more difficult than anything else but I’m ready to grow up just a little bit more and handle this shit!  So we’re back to me living my life to its fullest and beaming at the fact that I know life needs to be about so much more than “settling”.  Mediocrity is no longer an option. Life needs to be lived happily, not just surviving….fucking living. (When did I turn into Lance Armstrong?).

In any case, I’ll step down off of my rose-colored soapbox now.  If you’ve read this whole thing, you’ve just taken a trip into the madness of my mind….please grab a mint on the way out.  Oh, and one last thing?  Making the decision to live through those emotions without food as a weapon turned out to be a very good thing.  My official Jenny Craig weight loss for my first week back on the program was a total of 8.4 pounds! Who’s the big winner? I am, thanks!

Waxing Prosaic Kisses,
Me

* If I take the Lord’s name in vain one more time today, I may get struck down.

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly on Love | Comments (34)

Someone’s Standing In My Way! Oh Wait, It’s Me….

May 27th, 2008

Today I woke up feeling sluggish.  I suspected that coffee and a shower would help but even as I sit here now, my body seems to feel heavy-laden and my brain is nothing more than mush.  I feel like I am staring from behind a spring haze, unable to fully focus on anything and more importantly, unable to feel many emotions.  Don’t get me wrong, nothing is really the matter emotionally (well you know, more than the usual).  I think this might be physical.  Wait, I’ll *own* it….this IS physical.

You see, I’m fat. 

Now now, before you roll your eyes, expecting my standard "hate the way I look" post, this isn’t that.  In fact, I’ve oddly become more and more okay with loving myself the way I am lately.  I’ll go into that miracle another day but today is about the physical duress that comes from being overweight.  It’s funny that the lovely Miss Hellohahanarf posted about this same topic today because it’s been heavily (pun totally intended) on my mind as well.  As a matter of fact, last night I admitted something to my friend Shiny but told him that if he told anyone else, I’d have his balls on a stick.  But since Ms. Narf was so forthcoming, I shall be too…..

I’ve rejoined Jenny Craig.
(I’ve also got a brand new pair of roller skates but we’ll save that for later!)

I wasn’t going to post about it cause, yeah hi….we’ve seen me go up and down like a whore many many times during my blogging career.  But now I want so say "so the fuck what?".  I’ve made mistakes and been imperfect with my weight loss efforts.  Fuck man, I’m human.  If you think I sound defensive, I totally am.  But you know what?  It’s not any of you that have made me feel this way…it is my own damned self.  It’s like I have to keep reminding myself that every failure before this one and/or every success is in the past.  What matters is today and moving forward.  If I don’t post about this because I am afraid of what people will say when I fail, isn’t that just a bullshitty self-fulfilling prophecy?  Why can’t I come at you with the attitude that reeks of my success instead?  I can!  And I am!

Those of you that were around in the winter of 2006 know just how successful I was on Jenny Craig….I lost a ton of weight and felt really good about myself.  And so now we’re full circle back to this…feeling good.  I don’t want to wake up without energy each day and feel drained just from the little things.  I don’t want to breathe heavily unless it has to do with sex or exercise, preferably in that order.  What I *do* want is to be able to go back to Philly and run up those "Rocky Stairs" without feeling like I need to die afterwards.  Sure, I did it this year (and am proud of myself) but I almost hocked up a lung as a sacrifice to the art of Frida Kahlo.  I want to have pep, energy and all the great feelings that go along with that. 

I want to be the best fucking me that I can be.  I deserve to be the best fucking me that I can be.  And you know what?  I’m feeling quite happy that I actually recognize and expect more for myself in life…things are looking up!

Roller Skate Hilly Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Health and Wellness | Comments (30)

Timeline: The Beauty Of Speed……

May 23rd, 2008

Last night, I could’t really sleep.  The cause of this either stemmed from the little nap I took or the fact that I’ve got a million different things running through my head.  And by "things", I mean emotions mostly.  I’ve been sitting here, counting my cards and making deals with the universe.  I still have no idea who’s winning.  But trust me when I tell you that *my* deals that I’m making closely mirror a very fucked up version of The Secret, but I’m pretty much okay with that.  Truth be told, I’m actually beyond just being "okay" with it…it’s how I live or "how I roll", as the kids would say.

The midnight hour was odd in that my emotions kept going back and forth like the pendulum of suck.  For all intents and purposes, I should have been drifting into a dream-filled slumber with a huge smile on my face.  Instead, by the time I hit the sheets, my heart was beating so hard with the remnants of anger and frustration that I just could not calm…the…fuck…down.  I felt trapped again, not only physically but emotionally.  I really don’t want to go into the details but I feel that my body and soul were going through this internal ultimatum at the wrong time and place and it really pissed me off.  Sure, I could blame this feeling on someone else but the truth is that whatever surface stuff was thrown in my face, I could have reacted differently and perhaps saved myself the pain of a rapidly beating heart.

I hate it when I just sit there and take it rather than vehemently declare what it is that I want before letting the chips fall where they may.  Sometimes I just don’t want to *do* conforntation right before bed so I take the "easy road" and just say nothing when things come to pass.  But after doing that, I feel so stiffled…as if the room is closing in on me and I have no capacity to get up and run away.  My face starts to get hot, my body language probably suggests that you fuck off, my heart beats so hard that I feel like it’s about to jump out onto the floor and I can feel hot tears on the inside.  Dramatic much?  Yes.  How it almost really feels at the time?  Yes to that too.

As I sat there last night, making my deal with the universe….closing my eyes and throwing my energy out there, I realized something.  Deal or no deal, I can’t get what I want from the universe just by wishing for it.  I need to stand up and just say what the fuck it is that I want, especially in these trying situations.  Don’t get me wrong, there are still things that very much have to stay in a "wishing and dreaming" category, but those are nice things and they make my life brighter.  But the poison apple type of stuff?  Yeah, not so much…that shit needs to get the hell out of my life.  There is no reason to crawl in your own skin.  None.

Daylight Robbery Kisses
Me

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Line Me Up In Single File With All Your Grievances….

May 20th, 2008

When I left my house this morning, I was thinking a lot about self-deprecation and why we all do it so much.  What I’m starting to notice is this trend of "putting myself down before you can do it" and you know what?  It sucks to feel that way.  Before anyone starts reminding me that I just "windexed" the glass house that I live in, I am well aware that there is a little pot/kettle action going on right now.  Then again, how can you really and deeply recognize something in another person when you’ve not been the same way yourself?  Some may come and argue that you can but today, that’s not the case.

I cannot count how many times I’ve referred to myself as "my fat ass" or something similar.  I’d need twenty million abacuses to figure out the mathematics involved in how many times I’ve used humor to deflect, sarcasm to hide or any other number of random things that I can do in order to make sure that you don’t hurt me.  The funny thing is….you’re probably not the one that’s going to hurt me at all.  Still, because I want you to like me or need you to love me, I want to hide behind my prickly skin…you know, the one where nothing bothers me as long as *I* say it first.

I’ve been trying to determine whether it is always about protecting myself though…sometimes I make jokes at my own expense because they’re funny.  If I can’t laugh at myself then what the hell is life going to be like in the long run?  Trust me, no one wants to see stressed out Hillymonster who lives in a land of self-flagellating her mistakes away.  Hrm, something about that seemed a little bit sexy and hot but it probably shouldn’t, right?  In any case, it seems to me that my intention is what I should be looking at….am I immediately defending myself with humor just to save myself from your ridicule because I need your approval?  Or….am I just being a silly Hilly who is having a good time with herself?

I’m reflecting upon this today and wondering where we all draw that line in the sand.  I know that when I watch others do it, I just want to hug them and say that I love them no matter what their flaws are.  I want to empathize and let them know that their hearts and souls are safe with me.  But then again, I don’t want them to soften just for me when the world can be a cruel place.  I’d feel shitty for taking away someone’s hard candy shell….or would I?  Hrm, thoughts?

Promising A Show Daily Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (30)

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