Archive for the ‘Emotional Diatribes’ Category

Line Me Up In Single File With All Your Grievances….

May 20th, 2008

When I left my house this morning, I was thinking a lot about self-deprecation and why we all do it so much.  What I’m starting to notice is this trend of "putting myself down before you can do it" and you know what?  It sucks to feel that way.  Before anyone starts reminding me that I just "windexed" the glass house that I live in, I am well aware that there is a little pot/kettle action going on right now.  Then again, how can you really and deeply recognize something in another person when you’ve not been the same way yourself?  Some may come and argue that you can but today, that’s not the case.

I cannot count how many times I’ve referred to myself as "my fat ass" or something similar.  I’d need twenty million abacuses to figure out the mathematics involved in how many times I’ve used humor to deflect, sarcasm to hide or any other number of random things that I can do in order to make sure that you don’t hurt me.  The funny thing is….you’re probably not the one that’s going to hurt me at all.  Still, because I want you to like me or need you to love me, I want to hide behind my prickly skin…you know, the one where nothing bothers me as long as *I* say it first.

I’ve been trying to determine whether it is always about protecting myself though…sometimes I make jokes at my own expense because they’re funny.  If I can’t laugh at myself then what the hell is life going to be like in the long run?  Trust me, no one wants to see stressed out Hillymonster who lives in a land of self-flagellating her mistakes away.  Hrm, something about that seemed a little bit sexy and hot but it probably shouldn’t, right?  In any case, it seems to me that my intention is what I should be looking at….am I immediately defending myself with humor just to save myself from your ridicule because I need your approval?  Or….am I just being a silly Hilly who is having a good time with herself?

I’m reflecting upon this today and wondering where we all draw that line in the sand.  I know that when I watch others do it, I just want to hug them and say that I love them no matter what their flaws are.  I want to empathize and let them know that their hearts and souls are safe with me.  But then again, I don’t want them to soften just for me when the world can be a cruel place.  I’d feel shitty for taking away someone’s hard candy shell….or would I?  Hrm, thoughts?

Promising A Show Daily Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (30)

You Make Me Want To Be A Better (Wo)Man…

May 6th, 2008

I was thinking about doing another TequilaCon wrap-up post that was chock full of amazing and amusing anecdotes but it seems like I’ve already peed my pants about five times tonight reading everyone else’s posts.  So I tell you what…I’ll get my gibberish out of the way then link you to a magical world of crazy drunken antics.  Oh and I mean "fucking certifiably crazy".

But before that, I’d like to bring myself to a mellow and talk about some of the more emotional aspects of this weekend as I am often prone to do.  Unbelievably, between the booze, boobie shots, hiding from Karl’s flashing, constant twattering and other fun sightseeing things….I learned a lot about myself.  In fact, I think I was so busy cultivating my guts that I forgot to take pictures…I have a few of the pre-con but that’s really it.  But anyway, let’s talk innards….

I hate being this fat.  I’m actually working on it and was starting to lose weight right before leaving for Philly but obviously not enough to take away the extra pounds gained from last year before the big day.  So no matter how many of you want to roll your eyes at me and tell me to shut the fuck up, I’m just being honest.  There was a genuine worry on my part that feeling that way about myself would affect me more than the actual weight itself so I tried really hard to just get over it and let my light shine.  I think I did a pretty good job of it.  It’s easy around this specific group of bloggers because not one of them, that I know of anyway, was even phased by that shit.  So I don’t really want to dwell on that aspect too much except to say that for some reason, while super fucking drunk, it did.

I was a little lost for awhile at TequilaCon, not really knowing who to talk to…not because I had no one to talk to but because there were so many great people that I felt a bit overwhelmed.  Yes, the secret is out…even extroverts can often feel like hiding in the corner for five quiet minutes.  I went outside to "make out" a lot (our code for smoking) because most of the people I know really well smoke and it was sort of a mini haven at points.  Okay fine dammit, and I smoked too…yeah yeah, drunk smoking.

Not a lot of people know this but something happened at one point in the night that hurt my feelings…we’ll just say that I overheard something that I wish I hadn’t.  I wanted to walk away and just say "whatever" but I found myself running to the first person who I thought would be nice to me and somehow that person ended up being Shiny.  Don’t get me wrong…it’s not that I didn’t think Shiny was the awesome right out of the gate but I guess I would have expected myself to run to someone else…they were all busy or outside "making out".  Not to imply that Shiny was sloppy seconds or anything ;).

The point is that the conversation I had with Shiny led to tears and as soon as that happened, he took my hand and led me down the flight of stairs faster than anything I’ve ever seen.  We then proceeded to talk about tons of stuff for over an hour, I’d guess…hell if I know, time just flew by.  In that hour I learned more about myself than I had all day…it was good to just sit in the moment and be quiet after a night of being a loud mouth crazy woman who checked her shyness at the departure gate at John Wayne Airport, Terminal A.  It was great to just breathe and say some things I’d needed to tell *someone* for such a long time. 

Why this story?  Well Shiny himself opened up about being a shy introverted person on his blog post tonight and I thought I’d talk a little about what it’s like to be an outgoing extrovert.  Of course there are differences but I think when it all comes down to it, we’re all just looking for a quiet room, a quiet mind and someone who gets us, even if it’s just for that singular moment in time. 

Tomorrow I will talk about what it’s like to find women that you click with when you were pretty convinced that you were the type of chick who didn’t really "do" girls (that’s what Karl said).  Then later in the week, I’ll talk about meeting big named bloggers and what they’re really like.  Everyone else is blowing the whistle on the embarrassing antics…but I’m getting to the creamy center, one post at a time.

If you want laughs, I suggest you read through my Google Reader Shared Items, which are pretty much all the crazy hijinks of bloggers…you can go from there directly to their pages and I really suggest it.  I cannot stop laughing and peeing and laughing and peeing.

Butterfly Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Shiny, TC08 | Comments (35)

This Is One Doodle That Can’t Be Undid, Homeskillet….

April 21st, 2008

I was looking over the front page of my blog this morning when I suddenly realized that I haven’t written anything real in over a week.  Now then, when I say "real" I mean that ooey gooey messy stuff that comes from deep down in the bottom of my soul, whether it be beautiful or ugly.  Sometimes I just arrive at this place where I don’t feel like sharing what’s inside of me and go into my mode that some family members call "The Showman".  Yanno, I start tapping and singing and having fun while keeping my stuff to myself?  Yeah, that’s been me recently.  I don’t want you to confuse what I mean though…it’s not like I am keeping things bottled up inside or anything like that.  I’ve just not been writing about them here mostly because they feel so redundant.

How many times and in how many ways can I belabor the issue of how I feel about going to a convention where I will see old friends and meet new bloggers all at the same time?  Maybe just this once?  I grow tired of the raging dichotomy inside of me and yet part of me is glad that this time there IS a duality of emotion.  I struggle daily with the whole fact that I am ten pounds fatter than last year (unless I lose 8 more pounds in two weeks).  While that may seem like no big deal to anyone reading this and/or may have my friends shaking their heads at how stupid I am being, let me remind you that it’s not about you as much as it is about me.  It’s this warped perception that I have that once the party is over, people will be whispering things about just how fat I really am.  Quite the ego, yes?  It comes down to how I feel about myself which is why I’ve been trying so hard to get some off before I get there, even though I won’t be skinny.  It’s about the way a person feels when they are in that groove and doing something positive for themselves that can make all the difference in confidence and attitude. 

So anyway, yes…there is that side of me that is always worried about how I look and what people will think.  Luckily, for some odd reason, there is another side of me that likes to bitch slap the other side.  Sometimes I think, "Well who the fuck cares that I am chubbalubba-ding dong anyway?  Seriously, Hilary…they are your friends and don’t care about that kind of stuff.  They like you for who you are INSIDE".  That part of me has bought a couple of cute new shirts and wants to get a haircut and mani/pedi before seeing everyone just because she is still cute and deserves to feel good about herself.  That’s the part of me that keeps on swimming but never quite reaches the shore.  Why?  Because halfway across the river, the insecure side of my drowns the other half and I have to start all over again.  Well hell, at least I’m willing to try, right?

I’m totally focusing on how much fun I am going to have and just how many people I get to finally meet and/or see again.  If I keep remembering that I am not the center of the blog world’s rotation, I think I will be just fine.  Either that or I’ll just remain drunk the whole time!

The Last Midnight Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes | Comments (28)

This Is How I Remind Me Of What I Really Am…

April 11th, 2008

I wish I had a very different life than the one I have now.  Don’t worry, I would take you with me to the end of everything. 

I don’t want to leave you…I want to leave me.

I don’t want to hate myself for being imperfect anymore.
I don’t want to sit here and cry because I feel so unloved.
I don’t want to be hollow and alone.

I do want to shine as brightly as I know I can.
I do want to love with every breath in my soul.
I do want to be fulfilled and important to someone.

So how do I go about that?  Do I make grand sweeping changes, thusly revealing a new me who instantly loves herself every day?  I don’t think so.  Right now it seems like the more I do the "one day at a time" thing to the best of capability, the better I feel as time progresses.  Seriously, the best that I can do to stop hating my body is work out every day and eat right, yeah?  So nothing is going to magically make that self-loathing go away…it’s a day by day effort that will eventually bring the results I need, both inside and out.

The problem is that you can’t deal with a lot of inner turmoil type stuff the same way.  Sure, you act like an adult by going to work every day and making sure that your financial house in in order.  You also try to be a good person by not succumbing to hatred and gossip.  If you are really lucky, you touch one or more people without even knowing it and your life has even more meaning just because of that.

You sing, you dance, you talk, you laugh and you just try to make it through until one day, you realize that you’re either not heard as much as you should be, not loved the way you want to be or not as important as you think you are.  You’re a blip on someone’s busy schedule, a missed call or an email that gets
lost in the shuffle because they have so many.  You start to agonize and agonize until you realize that you’ve become way too dependent on someone else’s version of your own self-worth.  This is the person that you are supposed to be MOST important to and yet, you’re just not anymore.

That’s sort of where I am right now…stripped raw for the whole blogosphere to see.  This post was going to go in a different direction that was more angry and a helluva lot more cryptic.  But what I realized is that while I am hurt and angry at someone, this is more about me and what I allow into my own life.   Besides, one change I am trying to make is remembering that this is MY blog and I should not be held down by who might say what to whom…fuck that shit.

But back to me…Is it so much to want to shine light a twinkly little star?  I don’t mean that in the "needy ego whore" kind of way at all…more like, I just need to make changes and shine.  My heart needs a trip to the dry cleaner, I guess.  I just want to see something in myself that others seem to see.  I just want…eh, forget it.  I promise to bring Fun Hilly back tomorrow.

Twinkle Twinkle Kisses.
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes | Comments (24)

Returning To Blog Life, Peace by Peace….

April 7th, 2008

When I quickly slapped a peace sign up on Saturday, I had no intention of it becoming the SnackiePeace Movement.  However, thanks mostly to Dave, the movement was born and it has been a delightful treat to see people across the blogosphere pimping their awesome peace signs.  If you missed the post on Saturday and/or have no idea what I’m talking about, go here.  I’ll wait….

So, here’s the thing…. that peace sign, that post, and the thoughts that flow just below the surface of it all are not about one person or one situation.  It’s more my way of saying that we all need to calm the fuck down for a moment and embrace the good things in life.  Being angry at the world or at people that probably deserve it?  Well, that’s easy.  However, it takes a real strength of character to walk away and refuse to play people’s games.  The reality of a situation like that is that you will never win….not for yourself, anyway.  We’re so conditioned to NOT put our fingers in our ears and sing "la-la-la-la" that we forget that sometimes it is actually okay to do so! 

We’ve all been around and we’ve all seen things that we wish we hadn’t.  Whether it be highly unnecessary blog drama, personal drama, relationship drama or anything else that is downright hateful and hurtful, it’s always hard to give peace a chance.  My problem is that I’ve got a superhero complex and turn into Captain Save-A-Friend more often than not.  I used to be able to justify my behavior regarding getting involved in dramatic situations because "I was doing it for a good cause".  It’s funny to look back at the lies I’ve told myself so that I would feel like a better person all around.  It’s a challenge to step back, throw your peace sign in the air, and stop defending people who either need to defend themselves or just walk away as well.

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Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly, SnackiePeace Movement | Comments (29)

I’ve Got A Good Mind To Throw It All Away….

April 1st, 2008

We talk about it behind closed doors all of the time.  There is mention of feeling forced to be creative even when the juices have stopped flowing.  Some people raise their hands and gently remind us all of the nasty comments and hate mail that sometimes plague them.  Others sit quietly, feeling unappreciated and unloved because no one comes over to their places and says hello.  And no matter what, there’s the one Pollyanna in the room that reminds us of the good that shines through all of that darkness, making this all worthwhile.

Someone always tries to be a therapist….and I’ve finally learned that it’s okay to be at my wits end with blogging.  I’m "allowed" to feel exasperated and at a loss for words.  Even those of us with what I call "the anecdotal eye" run out of ways to turn even a trip to the grocery store into an amazing story.  The therapist also piped up and said, "But you shouldn’t worry about how well written your posts are if you are writing for yourself". 

But here’s where *I* am…I write for myself and for others but no matter what I am writing, I’d like it to not suck, thanks.  I’ve probably got PMS or I’m probably just busy at work this week but I’m tired….writing in my blog seems more like a duty than anything else.  That’s not ever how I wanted it to be.  I never wanted to groan because I "have to make a blog entry".  I never wanted to roll my eyes because suddenly people are mad at me or not talking to me simply because I dared to be myself.  I won’t strip myself of the Technicolor and become black and white for anyone. 

I’m taking a break from writing in my blog…it could last a day or it could last a week; I honestly don’t know.  This doesn’t mean that I am hiding from all of you and want you to go away…I will still be on email and probably will still be reading blogs when I can.  I’m just putting blogging on the back shelf behind the other stuff like work, exercise and completing some various other projects.  The truth is that if I don’t take this break, I will probably walk away for good.  I’m quite liberal with cancellations and delete buttons, as it’s been pointed out.  I need to go spring clean myself so that I come back as alive and kicking as ever. 

No, this is not an April Fool’s joke, btw!

Frou Frou Kisses.
Me

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Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (46)

Breakfast Table In An Otherwise Empty Room….

March 25th, 2008

I’m the first one to roll my eyes quite mightily when someone uses the sins of their parents as an excuse to take place in cocksuckerry and douchebaggery.  A lot of us have had parents that really fucked us up though.  I think it’s safe to assume that no matter how much mental health one professes to have, there is a part of them that will always be shaped by incidences in the past.  For the record, I have no problem with that…that’s natural.  I think my eye-rolling begins when someone says, "Well I slept with your husband because my father abandoned me as a child".  Please, shut the fuck up now.

I’ve been shaped by my parents and notice it more and more every day.  I told a story the other night and immediately realized that I sounded exactly like my Dad….hell, even Shawn pointed it out.  The funny thing about it all is that I got most of my positive traits that I embrace from my Dad whereas the negative ones that I fight daily?  Gee, thanks Mom.  It’s hard when you open your eyes and realize that you have partially become exactly what you feared for so many years.  But hell, if you can at least recognize it, you are on your way to making changes to knock the shit off like…toot sweet.

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Posted in Emotional Diatribes, In The Past, Rememberances | Comments (41)

Cardboard Masks Of All The People I’ve Been….

March 20th, 2008

There’s that brief, perfect moment every morning when I just wake up.  I sink a little deeper into my down comforter and turn into my pillow while my cat rubs his little nose against my face.  It’s probably the best moment of my day.  That is….until around midnight when my Trazodone kicks in and I fall asleep enveloped in that same comforter while listening to the sounds of either Homer Simpson or something older, in the black and white variety.  Sadly, the moments when I feel like I can just be myself and finally find some peace all revolve around my bed and not in any kind of fun way whatsoever, thanks.

I wrote a post two years ago about masks and how we go through life wearing different ones.  In that particular entry, the comments that stunned me the most were the ones where people swore up and down that they never wear masks and are always capable of being 100% themselves.  Truth be told, I don’t become as cynical as one would think when I hear something like that.  More so, I pause, incapable of believing such wondrous moments exist!  I mean….shit the bed!  Someone in this world never has to wear a mask (or has never had to)?  Sign me up!

Right now, I’m totally Scarlett O’Hara.  As a matter of fact, I’m not just wearing her mask but am also wearing the full blown costume, bitches!  I keep sweeping all of the "icky stuff" under the rug and convincing myself that I will deal with it tomorrow.  Let me give you a tip….when you live like that, tomorrow never comes.  Well, at least not for me.  I have no idea how many tomorrows I’ve seen and yet, I still haven’t dealt with the most base problems because truth be told, I have no solution….none.  I am sick and fucking tired of being all innovative and making my square issues fit into a round bin by scrunching them down so that they mean less than they should.  I’m tired of finding every solution under the sun in the hope that it will work when I really know what I should do.  It’s almost like when you are craving chocolate chip cookies, right?  Yet because you are trying to NOT eat the cookies, you eat everything else in the house?  Yeah, that.

Anyway, back to me, Ms. O’Hara and our thousand tomorrows.  I’m starting to feel like that "Where Does Depression Hurt?" commercial because living like this serves no purpose except to make me a stagnant piece of shit really.  There is so much of life to be lived and loved and maybe I could start doing so if I’d just take off this fugly ass "curtain" dress and face the music. Today I finally took one tiny step towards breaking the cycle and I hope that
tomorrow I take one more then another and another and so on.  Hrm,
maybe some time away from the internets is called for.  It’s rather hard to look inside
of myself with all of these shiny distractions around me.

I swear to God though…if I am talking about the same cryptic subject next year at this time, I give you permission to shoot me.  Seriously, my analogies are getting old. 

Frankly My Kisses, I Don’t Give A Damn.
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Redefining Hilly | Comments (29)

Love My Way, It’s A New Road…

February 8th, 2008

Sometimes I think I can read people perfectly….that I’ve got them figured out.  No, not all the way figured out but just enough that I know the basics.  It gets really tough trying to figure all of that out so I don’t try and I just go with my gut instinct generally.

Like a lot of things lately….it’s out of whack.  Why?  Because I made a decision to stop thinking with my heart and to start thinking with my head.  I thought that would "cure" me of a pattern and make things easier and better. 

But it’s made things worse.  Being rational and doing things because they’re what I should do (head) makes me feel so suppressed.  I’m not talking about things like brushing my teeth or going to work…bigger things.  You know, those things that define our personalities.  Do you look before you leap or do you just jump in feet first? 

I’m not as much of a thinker as I am a feeler.  Maybe letting my heart lead me around is what makes me….me.  Maybe doing the right thing is actually doing the wrong thing.  When the hell did I start basing my life decisions on the greater good and what people will think rather than how I will feel?

I’m just thinking aloud.  My heart sort of hurts today but I’ve haven’t pieced together the exact reason why.  I think I’ve lost touch with how I feel about certain people and making sure that they know they are loved by me (by me and nobody else but me..bump!).

You know how some of you have met me and know me as the person who will pretty much admit to everything and tell you exactly how she feels about you?  Yeah, that girl has been sitting in a corner while her reserved counter part has been eating all of the cupcakes.

No more…back to heart not head. 

Psychedelic Kisses,
Me

 

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Posted in Emotional Diatribes | Comments (15)

The One Where I Let My Guard Down….

January 30th, 2008

If you’ll allow me, I’d like to turn off the fun just for today.  I want to leave the witty girl over there on the side of the road, hitchhiking her way out of self-loathing masked as a well-placed joke.  I don’t want to be "on" or worry about what people are going to think when I say what I need to say today.  So please, if this is your first time with me, enjoy the crisis…the regularly scheduled Hilly will be back shortly….

I pray that none of you ever feel how I feel right now, although sadly I know that some of you do and/or some of you have.  It’s something to truly stand in front of a mirror and cry because you loathe yourself so damned much.  Well, maybe not all of yourself but the part of you that never seems to get better…the one thing you can’t seem to get right….ever.

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