Archive for the ‘Emotional Technology’ Category

Sometimes I Can Hold My Tongue (Sometimes Not)…

August 22nd, 2008

Last year, I somehow developed the pattern of posting to my blog every day, come hell or high water.  Lately, this is not the case at all.  Between a couple of conversations that I had with some friends yesterday, I realized that I’m slowly settling back into that “only post when I’ve got something interesting to say” mode.  I mean, I could come here and slap up a meme that lets you know what foods I have or have not eaten in my lifetime and be done with it.  But seriously?  Who gives a fuck about what nasty ass janky shit I’ve eaten in my life?  It feels a lot like “phoning it in” to me and rather than go down that path just so I have *something* to say, I’d rather say nothing at all.  Now then, before anyone gets defensive because you recently did that exact meme that I just ranked on?  It’s not about you and your blog habits…it’s about me and mine.  Believe me when I say that I hold a lot more judgment over my own blog than over yours.  And even if that’s not always the case, who cares?  No one died and made me Judge Judy and executioner anyway!  It’s just that I’m not okay with writing *just to write* anymore.  I’ve got to have something to say, a story to tell, or at least a fucking question to ask of my readers.

In case you hadn’t guessed it, the snarkstress is back.

You know, along with hardly writing anything over the last couple of weeks, I’ve also cut down my blog reading time drastically.  Sure sure, last week I was a wee bit depressed and sick but this week?  Not so much.  I’m actually in a really good place, kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening!  I’ve got a plan, the means to implement that plan, and the skies are looking blue, blah blah blah.  Needless to say, the life that I live outside of this computer is actually more fine and dandy than it has been in awhile.  Part of me just wants to enjoy these moments while I can and not taint them by a ton of time online and yet, there is that other ugly part of me that is ready to stabby stab stab her eyes out.

It’s no secret that patience is just not one of my virtues.  I’ve lived a lifetime of stuffing my impatience down as far as it will go, just to act like a normal member of society and/or not hurt a bunch of people’s feelings.  The truth is, no matter how nice I honestly am, I’m still easily annoyed.  The second piece of truth is that 80% of the time, I’m annoyed because of something inside of me that just can’t let the little shit go…but the other 20% of the time?  Yeah, it’s actually you being an annoying douchenozzle and thinking it’s fucking cute.  (Uh, and by “you”, I mean the random collective “you”, not you readers).  Anyway, part of trying so very hard to be nice and let stuff go means that I swallow a ton of my frustrations.  Generally, they go away and yanno, get flushed out with the rest of the crap.  However, there are times when the same frustrations build up to a boiling point and if I don’t walk away from you, I will sincerely boil over and scald you with vicious words.  This is not something I am proud of.  This is not me acting like a bad-ass.  This is a simple fact although I wish it were not.

Truthfully, I’ve been frustrated with some things that I’ve seen things online that just so happen to bleed into my real world as well.  I can’t handle hearing about the same shit over and over again, even when I’m the one doing the talking.  I’m not sitting in an ivory tower judging because I realize that the only way to recognize something annoying in someone else is to have it yourself.  I think they may have a stupid saying about that too.  Here’s the thing…real friendships are at risk if I don’t walk away now and gather my composure.  I’ve never had the fortitude to actually stay the hell away from my blog and Twitter on a full time basis, unless I’ve been out of town.  Even when I am feeling like shooting fire out of my eyes, I continue to read surreptitiously, thinking that if no one knows I’m there, I won’t have to pretend that everything is okay.

Let’s all pause so I can snort, m’kay?

I make this sound a lot worse than it really is because, well…I’ve almost reached a point of no return.  I’m frustrated but it’s not really a blogging thing.  It’s more about friendships and lines in the sand and oh my GOD, I am being cryptic again…sorry!  The long story short here (too late) is that I need to spend some time gathering thoughts and turning them into constructive and kind ones before I tackle some serious issues with some people.  I swear to GOD if anyone asks me if it is them, I will come smother you with messy frosting kisses!  Believe me, if it was you, you’d completely fucking know or yanno, at least have a clue.  This isn’t some thinly veiled rant.  This is just me trying to get it out and if I’ve done it in a harsh manner, I don’t mean to be cruel.  My rope is frayed at one end and on fire at the other end.

Good thing I am going away for four days.

Yeppers…Saturday afternoon, I am taking a flight up to the Sacramento area to spend time with my sister and my nephew.  Oh yeah, and there’s that thing where it’s my Dad’s birthday too, heh.  This is a much needed getaway for me, mostly because every time I come back from a visit with the famdam I feel rejuvenated and almost see the world with a whole different shade of technicolor.  I think some people call it “clarity”.  Hopefully while I am up there, I’ll be lucky enough to hang with FooDiddy as well as (maybe) the gays (footnote).  But really, when it all comes down to it, I’ll be much less inclined to spark up wide wide world of web and maybe that too will bring a different kind of lucidity…the silent kind.

Killing For Celery Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (29)

An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…

August 21st, 2008

What mask do you wear?   Okay…maybe you don’t ALWAYS wear one and your life is perfect, but if you are a member of the dysfunctional club just like I am, once in awhile you wear a mask, right?   And if you do, what does it cover up?  And more importantly, how does it help you get through otherwise awful situations?

My mask is Wonder Woman.  She’s brave and kicks ass right and left.   Nothing slows her down or scares her because her bracelets shield her from the outside world and forces of evil that want to hurt her.  She doesn’t live in the problem but speeds through to the solution.  She teaches the ideals of peace instead of war, even though sometimes she rages against the machine by busting the liars, users and all bad guys in general.   She drives an invisible jet and hopes thinks that you can’t see her flying around, even though you can.  She’s beautiful AND loving and let’s face it…she looks pretty damned good in a patriotic leotard.

I wear that mask a lot and part of me wonders if it truly is just a mask or if it’s just a small part of who I am?  Maybe a large part?  Even so, now and again, I want to take off my Wonder Woman jammies and be weak enough to let someone else hold me while I cry.   I want to hide behind my hair when I see someone who has hurt me because if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me.   I want to tell you when I am sitting here with hot tears streaming down my cheeks because I fail to know who I am or what I want right now.  I want you to hold my hand while I admit that I am scared almost all of the time.  I want there to NOT be an endless amount of crime-fighting that needs to be done because I feel like I need to save everyone while my own soul deteriorates.  I want answers yet I don’t want to have to pull superheroine moves in order for you to give them to me.

But also?  I’m tired of tears, talks and tiptoeing through the hard questions.  There is only so much sitting and reflecting that one hot ass crime fighting bitch like me can take before she suits back up and gets ready to take on the world, or at least her small part of it.  I’m ready to be in the forefront, going through my life with a diamond studded machete, weeding out the crap then eventually building a new fortress made of “pure awesome”.  I’m ready to stop settling and to start banishing the funk from my life…and yes, by “funk”, I mean people and things that are just not healthy for me anymore.  Wonder Woman wants to get in her invisible hoop ride, bump some Eminem and take care of major business.

Maybe I can be both.  Maybe the mask I wear doesn’t always have to be attached so tightly to my face and hell, maybe I can find a better freaking costume than a roll-showing leotard.  Either way, this is the truth about me…candy coating hard shell with a very melty heart.  I’d like to fool everyone into thinking I’m 100% badass all of the time but let’s be honest here, I’m only badass 89% of the time…*snort*.

So I ask you, do you ever feel like you wear a mask or are painted into some sort of emotional category that you just want to leave behind for a day…maybe longer?  As long as I’m not alone in this, I feel comfortable sharing my deepest psychoses with you all.

Flat Stanley Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Technology, Redefining Hilly | Comments (27)

So You Go And You Stand On Your Own…

August 15th, 2008

I didn’t really check my email yesterday…at all.  Therefore, this morning when I really poured through it, I saw quite a few messages from people letting me know that they are here for me if I want to talk.  Although I didn’t delete any of those emails, answering them back was not a top priority either.

I guess I should explain…

I’m a total isolator, if you know what I mean.  When things get to be too much, I am quite content to cut myself off from other people and just veg on my own.  Those that think that it’s sad and worry that it aids me to live too much inside of my head, you may be right.  However, that’s really only half of it.  The stage where I am now is the one where I throw myself into an old TV series on DVD and escape there, freeing my mind of the many thoughts that swirl in and out, over and over.  I have no idea if this is healthy or not but it helps me greatly to do so.  As long as I am aware of what I am doing and also have the strength to cut myself off from the “escape fest”, then who the fuck am I hurting by eating sunflower seeds and watching season six of Charmed all day long?  Certainly not you.  And really, certainly not myself.

Slowly but surely, I am starting to resurface.  I may spend this afternoon curled up with a book or lost in yet another TV series (like Damages).  I actually have quite a few errands to run and while I am out, maybe I will go sit on the beach for awhile and “think about what I’ve done”.  Heh.  Maybe later on, if I’m feeling extra daring, I’ll turn back on my Twitter text delivery.  Yep, I turned it off last night because I just need to not look at some of those things today.  So far you’re impressed, right?  I mean, what a rebellious nature!  Seriously though, the creme de la creme is the fact that my friend Scott invited me to an all day beach party/barbecue for his 40th Birthday tomorrow which means that I HAVE to take off my “me time” cap and put on my dancing shoes.  By then, the extreme social interaction will actually be a necessity so all in all, I say this works out perfectly!

In any case, if I’ve not answered you back through whatever medium, I am not some snotty bitch who is ignoring you and/or has deleted your email.  Chances are that right now it’s just too hard for me to talk about it…again.  Believe it or not, even *I* am sick of my own shit.  If I talk about my stomach ache one more time, by the way, someone has permission to slap me!  If I bitch about how I got my period yesterday, in the middle of my stomach virus AND already being a bit sad, someone else has permission to shove giant cupcakes down my throat!  If I look at you with tears welled up in my eyes, telling you just how much you mean to me and that I am thankful for all of you, someone has permission to hug me and mayyyybe even kiss me.  Maybe.

:cake: Happy Birthday To Shawn Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Snackie Snark | Comments (46)

Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams…

August 12th, 2008

Today I feel completely “done”.  Before I go on, I just want to state for the record that this is not a cry for attention.  I’m not here talking about shutting down my blog because I want people to beg me to stay.  I’ve always hated fishing and I’m not about to start doing it now!

However, I swear on all that is holy, there are some days that I want to just “quit the Internet” entirely.  This means no blogging, no Twitter, no instant messenger, no emails, nothing.  I want to force people to communicate with me in a courteous fucking manner.  You know how it is, right?  People do things on the great Wide Wide Wold of Web that they’d not do in everyday life.  No, not everyone does this but right now there are enough people doing it that it makes me want to scream and run for the hills, where a wonderful woodsy cabin sits by a lakeside.  Of course, I’ll need a man to come with me and help alleviate my frustrations by uh…letting me watch him chop wood?  Oh okay, or whatever else comes to mind.

Seriously though, I am at one of those crossroads.  I’m frustrated with myself and with the way some people have been acting lately.  I’ve no idea how to confront people in a more affable manner without walking away from them for awhile in order to do so.  Selfishness, cruelty, and a general disregard for someones emotions are not even close to awesome OR sexy, by the way.  I see sarcasm taken so far that it actually becomes douchebaggery.  It’s not my place to say anything though, so I walk away, feeling a bit slimier for having not said anything.  I detest drama so I bite my lip even when the most heinous of things jump out at me like something from a horror film.  I keep swimming, keep going, keep ignoring…basically, I keep shoving it down inside of me until, like a volcano, I feel ready to erupt.

This is where I am today…ready to open my mouth and spew venom with a side of pea soup.  I know that when pushed against a proverbial wall, I push back way harder than I should.  I’ve let things fester.  I’ve let things go.  I’ve been ignoring the other million hard situations I need to deal with in order to focus on the main one right now (yanno, my marriage).  Yesterday I took a baby step by getting rid of this guy on Twitter that was a total assmonkey to me every time he spoke to me.  He made light of yesterday’s video blog by telling me that it sucks that I don’t have real problems but rather appearance issues, blah blah.  As I sat there and readied myself to ignore his third rude tweet to me in as many days, I kicked myself in the ass and thought, “Why are you not ridding this crap from your life?  Why do you ignore rather than make it go away one way or the other?”.

The sad thing about this post is that I am writing it directly after I received some of the most wonderful comments and support stemming from yesterday’s video blog post.  For the record, I’m not forgetting those.  In fact, I have those tucked deep into my left shirt pocket, right next to my heart.  The thing is that I am ALWAYS Polyanna in these situations, pointing out the good and the lovely.  For all my sarcasm, I am the eternal optimist who sees everyone’s glass as half full, even when certain glasses are full of Bacardi and Asshat.  I’m not becoming jaded at all.  I’m just revisiting my snarky side today…the side that is so fucking done that she needs a day off, maybe two.

People are going to act how they are going to act.  I need to decide how that fits in with what I want for my life.  Taking some time off will be a very good thing.  Unfortunately, I can’t do it today but maybe soon.  Oh and before you ask, none of this is cryptic at all.  This is just how I feel in general, sans specifics because trust me, in the specifics lies the true venom.

She Really Doesn’t Think She’s The Queen Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (29)

Behind The Mask I Wear…

August 11th, 2008

Yes, it’s a video post.  It’s unedited.  I’m unedited.  Hell, I have wet hair and I am not even wearing makeup.  This video blog is about as raw as you will ever see me in many different aspects.  I thought it was time to just be myself and let it all hang out.


Snackie In The Raw from Hilly Carnes on Vimeo.




Not Afraid To Show You “No Makeup” Face At All Kisses,
Me


Also, because sometimes Vimeo is an asstool that lags, the video can also be seen here on YouTube.


Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Video Posts | Comments (44)

All She Wants Is….

August 1st, 2008

I stole this from my friend SJ, who unfortunately has decided to give up blogging.  Interestingly enough, this post was a lot harder to do than I thought it would be.  The reason for that, however, is probably because no matter how much I wear my heart on my sleeve, there are little secrets that I refuse to divulge here.  So anyway, blah blah, here we go….

I want to:
know what love is. again.
write my post about sex sooner than later.
find a hobby that doesn’t involve me sitting on my ass.
dance like nobody’s watching, even though that saying is so fucking cheesy.
stop thinking mean things about people inside of my head.

I want to think:
that you really do love me, just the way I am.
that I make a difference in someone’s life, no matter how small.
that I’m as clever and witty as I believe myself to be!
about the world we live in and life in general.
about poetry, art, books, and love songs…then share them with someone who lights up from the same things.

I want to learn:
to swear in every language there is.
to speak Spanish fluently.
to conquer my fear of skydiving.
what it is that’s really holding me back.
about as many cultures and religions as I can.

I want to see:
an adorkable smile as you take my hand.
my introverted friends rule their individual domains with certainty.
the sun set over an Italian village (where I am staying).
through the eyes of a child.
Ryan Reynolds at my front door. Seriously.

I want to try:
smoking pot one last time.
not giving my opinion when not asked for it. (snorty lala)
to eat Kosher for 30 days.
living a both a Christ-like and Buddha-inspired existence.
fugu, cause I’m a daredevil like that.

I want to tell:
him exactly how I feel.
stories that mean something to others.
the world to slow down so I can remember to breathe.
jokes without sounding like an epic failure.
you my secrets and know that you’ll still love me.

I want to touch:
ummmm…something I can’t tell you about?
your hair, even though you hate it. give it up, bitches.
ummmm…something else I can’t tell you about?
my kitty’s soft fur when he falls asleep on my lap.
the waves as they crash against me.

I want to smell:
gardenias in bloom
the ocean as it foams across my feet.
a man’s clean skin without cologne.
my hair when it’s fresh out of the ponytail and still squeaky clean.
Christmas. yanno, trees, wreaths, pine cones, cocoa, cookies, etc.

I want to feel:
loved
accepted
respected
beautiful and sexy
butterflies in my tummy

I want to stop:
the tapes that constantly play in my head.
wondering what people think of me.
beating myself up for my faults.
letting my insecurities matter as much as they do.
the world and melt with you.

I want to let go of:
old resentments.
the hold that years of manipulative guilt trips have over me.
the idea that dreams can’t come true. they totally can.
the past.
a whole lot of weight without losing my hot tits!

What do *you* want?

Serendipitous Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Memes and Quizzes | Comments (23)

Kicked Off My Shoes, Shut Reason Out…

July 23rd, 2008

I tend to blog in the moment.  Whatever is going on inside of my head and heart immediately spills out onto this page with a fervor and honesty like nothing you’ve ever seen.  Okay, maybe you’ve seen “fervor and honesty” elsewhere but still, you’re totally picking up what I’m putting down.  Today is one of those days that I just feel like dumping out my heart all over this page while I watch it bleed the color of every emotion contained within.  You know what though?  I’m not going to do it.  I am going to take the “raw” and the confusion and put it somewhere else until it stops hurting just a little bit, then I’ll say what I have to say.  Yanno…once I’ve calmed the fuck down and the words that come out of my mouth won’t be something by which I am embarrassed later.

This is a hard thing for me to do.  I’m stepping outside of my comfort bubble to be a better person and maybe grow a little today.  I just asked Karl if he is more likely to post in the moment or to wait until he’s gathered his thoughts…I mean, where emotional moments are concerned.  He thinks he waits.  He thinks that I never wait, yet mask everything I am trying to say under a very cryptic and layered costume.  He may just be right.

I’m not a thinker. I’m a feeler.
I don’t look. I leap.
I don’t walk. I run.

Sometimes being this type of a person gets you into trouble and other times it’s one of the best things in the world.  It’s about knowing when to just walk away, letting your words softly hit the floor behind you.  I’m slowly starting to realize that not everyone needs to hear how I feel about everything right this very second.  Maybe if we all slowed down and thought about what we want to say just a little bit more, we’d get along better?  Fuck if I know…I’m new to this “holding it in for a moment” business.  As you can tell, I’m not exactly doing *that* well at it either because I had to come here and at least say something.  I don’t know what to do with the pain when I’m not writing about it.  There are only so many tears a girl can cry, right?  There are only so many times a woman can wish she felt nothing as well.

What do you tend to do?  Do you blog right in your emotional moment or do you think about it all first?  And hey, even if you don’t blog…how do you handle real life shit that falls under these same categories as well?

This Post Is About Me And Not About Anything Else Kisses,
Me

Posted in Cryptic, Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (28)

Now Let My Body Hit The Floor…

July 19th, 2008

Let me tell you about yesterday at BlogHer…ready?

1.  We got there late for various reasons so we practically ran in order to get to the first panel.
2.  I cried at that panel just a wee bit for what seemed to be no reason.
3.  I discovered I had gotten my period. Crybaby mystery solved.
4.  I somehow picked the vegetarian lunch rather than one that might have tasted better.
5.  Later on, I ended up contorting my wrist in a way that I was teary from the pain.
6.  After taking a vicodin at a later lunch that I actually ate, I became totally sick to my stomach.
7.  My cell phone died completely. Twice.
8.  I passed out at like 11:30 pm but am unsure.

Heavens to Murgatroid…the only way to be sure of ANYTHING I did yesterday is to check my Twitter because uh, wow.  The day moved so quickly and with each passing hour my emotions vacillated so much that even *I* was shocked by my Ugly Mood Swings (or UMS, as David Addison would say).  You know that there will be jillions of people writing jillions of recap posts, pretty much all of which ending with, “Oh My God, I so totally loved BlogHer and it was the best experience of my life!”.  This won’t be one of those blogs.  However, let me be clear about one thing so I don’t get raged upon or whatever….I am not dissing BlogHer in any way, shape, or form.  I made a clear statement earlier this year about BlogHer probably not being my “scene”.  I made the statement again a month ago when I told Karl that I probably should just hang in the sidelines and go to parties.  I made the statement here in my blog and/or to anyone who would listen on Thursday afternoon.  I know my wonky way of seeing the world and the limitations that causes but I was determined to put my heart and soul into the effort of loving it.  I went with an open mind and did what everyone else was doing.  I really tried to enjoy every moment of it and be as excited as everyone else but I just wasn’t.

I think I may be defective.

There were, however, moments of greatness.  There were fleeting thoughts of how wonderful a lot of the women are and/or how great it was to see so many happy people in one place.  I’m impressed with how much solidarity and sisterhood emanates from one place.  I’m also extremely grateful that I got to meet some people that I have wanted to hug for a very very long time.  In case anyone reads this and misinterprets the point (which they will anyway), this isn’t about you, BlogHer…it’s about me.  I have nothing NEGATIVE to say about the experience and would never ever put people down who have had a most awesome time.  It just wasn’t my cup of tea…not this time around, anyway.  And hey, I am self-aware enough to say that it could very well be that the timing of my life falling apart coinciding with the conference might have a helluva lot to do with it. 

So whatever.  I am totally in a good mood today and am ready to have fun with the gays and Foo, who is driving down to party with us this evening.  This is the last day we are going to be in the area so I totally want to make the most of it.  Besdides, I think everyone deserves a day of “NON PMS MONSTER WHORE HILLY”.  Because believe you me, man oh man, I’ve been a bit snarky.   All in all though, I am extremely glad I went to BlogHer because it was an experience that I needed to witness for myself.  Even though it was not the most enjoyable time of my life, I did learn a little bit from the people there.  Most importantly, I learned a lot about myself and that is all any woman can ever ask for, right?  Who knows, maybe when I’ve had time to relax and reflect, I will discover that BlogHer did indeed teach me something after all.

“Sweet Jesus, Where Are The Asprin?” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (17)

Playing Hide And Seek With Hilly’s Soul…

July 17th, 2008

I feel as if I’ve been sitting in a room with tape across my mouth for a few days now.  I hate ruining other people’s fun and/or making waves, especially whiny ones.  Sometimes we do things to make other people happy even though we drag our feet and throw temper tantrums every step of the way.  It’s just the way life is so we suck it up, right?  I’d been trying to steal my sunshine back from the evil PMS Monster Whore who took it but upon further review, I’m not sure she’s actually to blame.  This may be a group effort caused by many different monster whores and you know what?  I’ve really completely FAILED at finding all of my pieces.

It’s almost like I’m screaming into a canyon and the only person who can hear me is myself as the echos consistently slap me in the face.  I’m pretty sure the other people in my life just think, “oh there she goes bitching again” but what they don’t seem to realize is that if I am pissing and moaning about the same thing for over a week, I fucking mean it.  But now is not the time for me to get to unbutton my pants and just let the fucking fat hang out.  Nope, it’s a time where I have to go to a conference full of people and dance like a pretty ballerina so I’m not a total killjoy.  Yeah yeah, once I get there, I am sure it will be fine and hell, maybe I’ll even come alive as I am prone to do.  It’s just that right now is the time that I need to be cocooned by the people who already understand me and love me.  I feel like getting a big squishy group hug from all of them and living in that moment until I pass out.

Who knows?  Maybe the energy of a gajillion happy women (and 100 happy dudes) will actually sway my little heart into the upswing it so richly needs and deserves.  I’m just going to close my eyes and jump into the moment, seeing what it brings me.  I cannot go forward with negativity or that is all that will come back to me at the end of the weekend.  No matter what else happens, I’ll  get to be with three of my best friends this weekend and I’ll get to meet some people who probably feel just like I do…yanno, at times.  Solidarity has never been my thing but today I am going to open my eyes to it and see what that brings me.  It’s like trying sushi or skydiving for the first time….you just close your eyes and leap.

Off To BlogHer Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (22)

That 70’s Blog…

July 1st, 2008

Every now and then, I’ll catch myself saying something crotchety like, “Life sure was a lot simpler before all of this freaking technology took over”.  And yes, I *do* actually look around wondering who the hell said that when clearly it was me.  I think this whole “back to basics” yearning started when I began to watch That 70’s Show in syndication.  I’d marvel at the simplicity of having one long-corded home telephone and a television that actually required you to get off of your ass to change the channel.   Perhaps it’s just that the whole “scene” makes me nostalgic for a time when I didn’t feel the need to be “jacked in” every second of every day.

But here’s the thing…I’m fully aware that it’s not technology’s fault that I tend to obsess over my email, blog, twitter, text messages, phone calls, DVR preferences, blah blah fuckity blah.  It’s just the way my life is, being that this high-tech digital girl has many close relationships that basically depend on technology.  Unlike some people who believe that there is a huge difference between “the Internet people” and “real friends”, my closest relationships actually were formed from deep inside my sweet sweet computer box.  Therefore, when I’m faced with the horror that I may not be able to email someone I need to get ahold of, chat with a person who brings me to my happy place, or check blogs to see what some of my best friends are up to, I tend to get a little bit twitchy.  Maybe, just mayyyybe I tend to take it overboard too.

You see, I sort of invited myself to Jester’s house for the 4th of July weekend when he and I were talking on the phone last night.  Seeing that the alternative is to stick around here with nothing to do, while most of my friends are off whooping it up, I totally jumped at the chance and was excited about it too!  I got off of the phone with Jester and started doing a happy dance on the inside (because I’ve been too sick to snoopy dance in my panties “for real”).  But then…a single thought brought me crashing and banging to this loud, screeching halt.

But my laptop is broken, which means I’ll be out of town for 4 days with no computer!  How can I go away without a laptop?  I can’t leave my precious Internet for that long!

I started to rethink my decision to go out of town, finding a million reasons that were way less pathetic than the one true reason stated above.  I tossed and turned in my sick bed, then started twitching for a bit.  My mind reeled as I thought of ways to quickly get myself a new laptop in time to go up to there to the Bay Area.  Suddenly, and without warning, my damned good sense came into play.  Uh, they have other computers at their house and maybe if I were to ask or bribe, they’d let me check my mail now and again.  Also?  Everyone else will be busy doing stuff this weekend and probably won’t be hanging out online anyway.  And lastly?  The fact that the mere thought of staying home actually crossed my mind made me feel highly pathetic.  Besides, I *do* have a SmartPhone with net capabilities anyway…*whistles*.

Seriously though, it’s moments like these that I truly do yearn for “a 70’s life” but know deep in my heart that I could not survive that shit one day, knowing what I know now.  So I guess I’ll just muddle along with all of these luxuries at my fingertips, if I must suffer (yes, I *am* Norma Desmond).

I’ve decided while writing this post, however, that if I *had* to give up *one* piece of modern technology, it would definitely be the microwave because, while convenient, it’s not a necessity for me.  Hello, it may take longer but cooking in the oven and on the stove top actually is possible, shock of all shocks!  And more importantly, my microwave doesn’t connect me to the people I love in any way, shape or form.  You see how I’m improving upon myself here by being so willing to give things up?  I’m a freaking pillar of strength, I tell you!  Snort…but seriously, could you give something up?  Would you want to?  And pray tell, what the hell would that something actually be?

Big Red Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Silly Hilly | Comments (35)