Archive for the ‘Hilly On A Tangent’ Category

Sometimes I Can Hold My Tongue (Sometimes Not)…

August 22nd, 2008

Last year, I somehow developed the pattern of posting to my blog every day, come hell or high water.  Lately, this is not the case at all.  Between a couple of conversations that I had with some friends yesterday, I realized that I’m slowly settling back into that “only post when I’ve got something interesting to say” mode.  I mean, I could come here and slap up a meme that lets you know what foods I have or have not eaten in my lifetime and be done with it.  But seriously?  Who gives a fuck about what nasty ass janky shit I’ve eaten in my life?  It feels a lot like “phoning it in” to me and rather than go down that path just so I have *something* to say, I’d rather say nothing at all.  Now then, before anyone gets defensive because you recently did that exact meme that I just ranked on?  It’s not about you and your blog habits…it’s about me and mine.  Believe me when I say that I hold a lot more judgment over my own blog than over yours.  And even if that’s not always the case, who cares?  No one died and made me Judge Judy and executioner anyway!  It’s just that I’m not okay with writing *just to write* anymore.  I’ve got to have something to say, a story to tell, or at least a fucking question to ask of my readers.

In case you hadn’t guessed it, the snarkstress is back.

You know, along with hardly writing anything over the last couple of weeks, I’ve also cut down my blog reading time drastically.  Sure sure, last week I was a wee bit depressed and sick but this week?  Not so much.  I’m actually in a really good place, kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening!  I’ve got a plan, the means to implement that plan, and the skies are looking blue, blah blah blah.  Needless to say, the life that I live outside of this computer is actually more fine and dandy than it has been in awhile.  Part of me just wants to enjoy these moments while I can and not taint them by a ton of time online and yet, there is that other ugly part of me that is ready to stabby stab stab her eyes out.

It’s no secret that patience is just not one of my virtues.  I’ve lived a lifetime of stuffing my impatience down as far as it will go, just to act like a normal member of society and/or not hurt a bunch of people’s feelings.  The truth is, no matter how nice I honestly am, I’m still easily annoyed.  The second piece of truth is that 80% of the time, I’m annoyed because of something inside of me that just can’t let the little shit go…but the other 20% of the time?  Yeah, it’s actually you being an annoying douchenozzle and thinking it’s fucking cute.  (Uh, and by “you”, I mean the random collective “you”, not you readers).  Anyway, part of trying so very hard to be nice and let stuff go means that I swallow a ton of my frustrations.  Generally, they go away and yanno, get flushed out with the rest of the crap.  However, there are times when the same frustrations build up to a boiling point and if I don’t walk away from you, I will sincerely boil over and scald you with vicious words.  This is not something I am proud of.  This is not me acting like a bad-ass.  This is a simple fact although I wish it were not.

Truthfully, I’ve been frustrated with some things that I’ve seen things online that just so happen to bleed into my real world as well.  I can’t handle hearing about the same shit over and over again, even when I’m the one doing the talking.  I’m not sitting in an ivory tower judging because I realize that the only way to recognize something annoying in someone else is to have it yourself.  I think they may have a stupid saying about that too.  Here’s the thing…real friendships are at risk if I don’t walk away now and gather my composure.  I’ve never had the fortitude to actually stay the hell away from my blog and Twitter on a full time basis, unless I’ve been out of town.  Even when I am feeling like shooting fire out of my eyes, I continue to read surreptitiously, thinking that if no one knows I’m there, I won’t have to pretend that everything is okay.

Let’s all pause so I can snort, m’kay?

I make this sound a lot worse than it really is because, well…I’ve almost reached a point of no return.  I’m frustrated but it’s not really a blogging thing.  It’s more about friendships and lines in the sand and oh my GOD, I am being cryptic again…sorry!  The long story short here (too late) is that I need to spend some time gathering thoughts and turning them into constructive and kind ones before I tackle some serious issues with some people.  I swear to GOD if anyone asks me if it is them, I will come smother you with messy frosting kisses!  Believe me, if it was you, you’d completely fucking know or yanno, at least have a clue.  This isn’t some thinly veiled rant.  This is just me trying to get it out and if I’ve done it in a harsh manner, I don’t mean to be cruel.  My rope is frayed at one end and on fire at the other end.

Good thing I am going away for four days.

Yeppers…Saturday afternoon, I am taking a flight up to the Sacramento area to spend time with my sister and my nephew.  Oh yeah, and there’s that thing where it’s my Dad’s birthday too, heh.  This is a much needed getaway for me, mostly because every time I come back from a visit with the famdam I feel rejuvenated and almost see the world with a whole different shade of technicolor.  I think some people call it “clarity”.  Hopefully while I am up there, I’ll be lucky enough to hang with FooDiddy as well as (maybe) the gays (footnote).  But really, when it all comes down to it, I’ll be much less inclined to spark up wide wide world of web and maybe that too will bring a different kind of lucidity…the silent kind.

Killing For Celery Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (29)

Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams…

August 12th, 2008

Today I feel completely “done”.  Before I go on, I just want to state for the record that this is not a cry for attention.  I’m not here talking about shutting down my blog because I want people to beg me to stay.  I’ve always hated fishing and I’m not about to start doing it now!

However, I swear on all that is holy, there are some days that I want to just “quit the Internet” entirely.  This means no blogging, no Twitter, no instant messenger, no emails, nothing.  I want to force people to communicate with me in a courteous fucking manner.  You know how it is, right?  People do things on the great Wide Wide Wold of Web that they’d not do in everyday life.  No, not everyone does this but right now there are enough people doing it that it makes me want to scream and run for the hills, where a wonderful woodsy cabin sits by a lakeside.  Of course, I’ll need a man to come with me and help alleviate my frustrations by uh…letting me watch him chop wood?  Oh okay, or whatever else comes to mind.

Seriously though, I am at one of those crossroads.  I’m frustrated with myself and with the way some people have been acting lately.  I’ve no idea how to confront people in a more affable manner without walking away from them for awhile in order to do so.  Selfishness, cruelty, and a general disregard for someones emotions are not even close to awesome OR sexy, by the way.  I see sarcasm taken so far that it actually becomes douchebaggery.  It’s not my place to say anything though, so I walk away, feeling a bit slimier for having not said anything.  I detest drama so I bite my lip even when the most heinous of things jump out at me like something from a horror film.  I keep swimming, keep going, keep ignoring…basically, I keep shoving it down inside of me until, like a volcano, I feel ready to erupt.

This is where I am today…ready to open my mouth and spew venom with a side of pea soup.  I know that when pushed against a proverbial wall, I push back way harder than I should.  I’ve let things fester.  I’ve let things go.  I’ve been ignoring the other million hard situations I need to deal with in order to focus on the main one right now (yanno, my marriage).  Yesterday I took a baby step by getting rid of this guy on Twitter that was a total assmonkey to me every time he spoke to me.  He made light of yesterday’s video blog by telling me that it sucks that I don’t have real problems but rather appearance issues, blah blah.  As I sat there and readied myself to ignore his third rude tweet to me in as many days, I kicked myself in the ass and thought, “Why are you not ridding this crap from your life?  Why do you ignore rather than make it go away one way or the other?”.

The sad thing about this post is that I am writing it directly after I received some of the most wonderful comments and support stemming from yesterday’s video blog post.  For the record, I’m not forgetting those.  In fact, I have those tucked deep into my left shirt pocket, right next to my heart.  The thing is that I am ALWAYS Polyanna in these situations, pointing out the good and the lovely.  For all my sarcasm, I am the eternal optimist who sees everyone’s glass as half full, even when certain glasses are full of Bacardi and Asshat.  I’m not becoming jaded at all.  I’m just revisiting my snarky side today…the side that is so fucking done that she needs a day off, maybe two.

People are going to act how they are going to act.  I need to decide how that fits in with what I want for my life.  Taking some time off will be a very good thing.  Unfortunately, I can’t do it today but maybe soon.  Oh and before you ask, none of this is cryptic at all.  This is just how I feel in general, sans specifics because trust me, in the specifics lies the true venom.

She Really Doesn’t Think She’s The Queen Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (29)

8 Simple Rules For Being My Friend…

August 4th, 2008

This is not a meme…it’s just plain me.  I’ve been playing around with “duh-tard” rules on Twitter…yanno, common sense things like “Don’t wear a red shirt to Target unless you *want* people to ask you where the bathroom is”.  In doing so (and being extremely silly and lame), I discovered a post idea.  Take it with a grain of sea-salt, would ya?

Honesty: I’m the type of person that can handle pretty much any secret that you’ve got, even ones that you’re scared will make me run away. Hell, I’m the type of *friend* that will help you hide the bodies if need be. Sure, I may suggest you go to therapy directly thereafter, but I’ll stand by you while you cover up your crazy messes. However…the second you fucking lie to me? I’m pretty much done. I don’t care about the things you don’t want to tell me because they are your own personal secrets. I totally *understand* needing to keep things locked inside and would never get pissy at someone for not wanting to divulge all of who they are to little old me. The thing that will drive me away faster than garlicky smoker’s breath is a flat-out lie. Once you completely lie to me, especially about something petty and stupid, you can bet that we’re pretty much done. I do take things on a case by case basis, of course, but sheesh…you all know what I mean!

Sense of Humor: This one is pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it?  Let me be more specific though.  I don’t require ALL of my friends to always be “on” and act like total hams.  What I mean by “sense of humor” is that you have the capability to laugh, capacity to find things funny, and the non-douchebaginess to not look at me like I’m an ass whenever I am silly.

Trustworthiness: I know that I’ve mentioned here several times that people tend to tell me all of their secrets. If you only knew half of the shit I’m keeping inside right now, your heads would explode. No really, they totally would! Being a person that is both blessed and cursed with being trustworthy, I know exactly how easy it actually is not to spread people’s gossip all over the damned universe. Some days are harder than others, especially when I get random juicy tidbits of fluff gossip, but I look at it this way: I keep the fluff gossip to myself as well because keeping those secrets might lead to more trust from my friends in the future. Earning trust is like gathering Coke Rewards and a lot of people just don’t get that. Anydiddle…the moment you tell someone one of my secrets, it’s on. Furthermore, the moment you take one of my best friends’ precious secrets and spread that in the same way you probably spread your legs? Yeah, my trust for you is gone then too. Some people say you can still have a friendship without trust. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

Intelligence: Again, I am not looking for Einstein here, nor do I care what your IQ is.  All I want is to hang out with people who can talk about things without saying “ain’t got no Wal Mart” every five seconds.  There’s a huge difference between book smarts and social smarts as well.  I generally hang out with people that have a mixture of both.

Hygiene: I’ll admit it…I am grossed out by bad hygiene or even “somewhat poor” hygiene.  It’s all very simple, sheesh.  Shower every day…no, not every other day.  Every fucking day.  Unless you’re laid up with an injury or of a an ethnic background where it’s not uncommon to skip a day, seriously dude…wash yourself.  I don’t care if you did nothing but “sit around the house all day yesterday”.   Holy fuck - your body still secreets sweat, juices, fluids and you still go to the bathroom!  Also, brush your teeth at least twice a day, for fucks sake.  Wash your hands after using the restroom.  Wash your hands before and after cooking.  Blah blah blah…I really shouldn’t even have to say these things and yet, erm…yeah.

Manners:  “Please” and “thank you” are not optional…ever.  Saying “bless you” or whatever variation of that you choose after someone sneezes *is* optional but it I find it rude when people don’t.  Everything else is gravy and I cannot dictate how anyone lives his or her life.  Manners are important to me because *I* use them every day and in every way.  For example, I still believe that the elderly have the right of way therefore I hold doors open for them and let them get in and out of elevators first.  Sure, half of them are crotchety fucking farts who need a lesson in manners themselves but my behavior should not be based on someone else’s standard of conduct but rather my own.  Oh and men…if you want to make me swoon???  Hold the door open for me.  I never expect it but when it happens, it sure is nice.

Common Sense: If you eat the last of my peanut butter, just tell me so I can get some more.  Yes, that is my only example.  Whatever.  Common sense dictates that this post is getting too long.  I know you’re picking up what I’m putting down though, right?

Good Taste in Music: Okay okay, this is not really a requirement.  Just so you know though, we can be *friends* if you listen to craptastic Country music and all that…just don’t ever expect me to ride in your car.  Or come to your house.  Or vacation with you by a pool.  Yanno, anything where music is required.

I Finally Got An iPhone Kisses!
Me

Posted in Friendship, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (37)

I’m A Sweet Piece Of Work…

July 28th, 2008

I vowed that I would never come to my blog and apologize for something blog related. Yet here I am, giving you the pouty lips and puppy dog eyes in the sincere hope that you will all forgive me for not really commenting on blogs as much as I usually do. I know that real life should ALWAYS take precedence over the Wide Wide World of Web but at the same time, I start to feel guilty when I neglect my friends and such. In any case, my two weeks of craziness has finally calmed down AND I am caught up on everything else I need to do so as of right now, my blog life will be back to normal (whatever *that* means!).

Moving right along…

I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures of myself today, and yanno…I totally am going to share some of my faves from DaveDiego while I tell you some things that I have decreed for myself today…ready?

Hilly and Dave by Karl

I’m tired of worrying about who thinks I look fat in a picture and/or who has something negative to say about that (oh and believe you me, certain assholes do).

I’m also not going to apologize that my boobs are constantly showing no matter what people think about that either. Here’s a clue (and no, I won’t buy it for you)…maybe I have insecurities about my body except when it comes to my boobs. So yeah, I wear boobie tops and let people stick money in my cleavage but I am not some slutty, needy, pathetic person who just wants attention (and yes, that’s been uttered behind “closed doors” as well).

Moreover, I won’t apologize for being myself…ever. A real friend will often confront you about things that you need to work on changing yet they will never ever ask you to stop being yourself. Sometimes I am silly, sometimes I am serious and yanno…sometimes I spend an evening sandwiched between two dudes (who happen to be friends). I like sandwiches anyway.

Last but not least, I won’t apologize for the days, moments or whatever when I totally think I’m cute…like in this picture here. Seriously, I only posted this picture because I think we’re both totally cute it in. What? You have a problem with that? I didn’t think so.

While a lot of this is tongue-in-cheek, as well as a pathetic excuse to post some pictures that I really like, there is complete and utter truth to my words. I’ve just suddenly realized once again that people are going to say what they want to about the things we all do. Whispers will happen, rumors will fly, gossip and negative energy will spew forth but at the end of it all…none of that matters. What matters is what you see and know in your own heart as well as the people who love you…just the way you are. I’m lucky as shit to have many that accept me the way I am and I really hope you do too. :)

Stuck In The Middle With You Kisses,
Me

PS - I stole all these images from Karl and Winter!

Posted in Friendship, Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (53)

Let My Words Hit The Floor….

July 16th, 2008

Last night after we returned from some crazy mission (thanks, Karl), I sat down in an attempt to write a blog post.  I started one topic, deleted it, then another, and deleted that too.  I then realized that I am just not good at writing recap posts…not at all.  I’ve always struggled with the concept of “first we went here, then we did this, then we ate that, then we laughed, then I went tinkle”.  I dunno, maybe I am just not talented enough to take shit like that off of the mundane shelf and put it up on the faboo one.  But let’s get something straight…I am not judging people who write posts like that at all.  I’m just saying that it’s not me and I struggle with it all of the time.  Therefore, you’ll probably want to check out Karl’s blog more than mine if you actually care about the stuff that we do each day.  Hrm, then again….he always paints me in this light that makes me look a little bit wild and yanno, crazy.

I will say that it is absolutely fabulous to have him here for his yearly visit.  I have no idea why, considering he’s been such a grumpy bitch lately but, Karl’s presence seems to light up my house, making it feel more like a home.  Part of that may be due to the fact that Shawn genuinely likes him and has fun doing the witty banter crap (and by “witty banter”, I mean “poking fun at Hilly”).  Another part of it may be that I just like having good friends around, especially during times that seem a little trying.  In case you haven’t picked up on it, this period in my life is indeed “trying times ten”.  In any case, I went to bed last night, snuggled into my down comforter, and purred at the fact that everyone had been happy, that there had been laughter, and that for the first day i

Moments, days, visits like these…they make it really hard for me to understand why some people judge others for hanging out with “random strangers from the internet”.  Um, cut the crap.  This is a technological era where most friendships are born out of the wide wide world of web.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not only meeting someone you’ve talked to on the net for quite some time, but also going on trips with said person and/or inviting them to your house.  Sure, the “hey come stay at my house” stuff should come after you’ve met someone in person and known them for awhile but still.  Meeting people online is akin to meeting some random stranger in any other way.  I mean hey, we’re all start out as strangers, no matter how me meet one another.

“Oh but Hilly, people online are sickos and pervs!”.

Yes, yes there are people like that.  But hello, there are people like that at your corner drug store, your local singles bar and I’m sorry to say it, even at your church.  Now then, don’t get me wrong…I am not saying that I have a problem with people who don’t want to meet others from the internet because they are genuinely afraid of what they’ll find there, blah blah blah.  I’m really now talking about the people who judge others because they choose to meet and consistently hang out with friends they’ve met online, no matter what medium.  I know I’ve mentioned this before but hey, I am not above repeating myself (stewardesses, stewardesses, stewardesses)…I met my best friend Foo Diddy online through a Weight Watchers message board.  I met Karl online through a journal site called Blurty, which is also where I met my husband, by the way.  I don’t want to do the whole name dropping crap thing, so I’ll just say that I’ve become close with quite a few people out there in the last couple of years as well.  There’s another person who I talk to every single day and I have no idea how my life would be without those moments.   Also, you get a bunch of these “net freaks” into one room and you actually have yourself a party where no one is judging you, calling you fat, making fun of your physical impairments or even coming close to being mean spirited.

Moreover, once your “net freak friends” become tangible, it’s a lot harder to sit and spew venomous hatred over tiny insignificant things that they may or may not write on whatever medium they use.  You’ve met them and are close friends with some of them so it’s easier to just say, “Oh that so-and-so.  What the hell has he gotten himself into now?”.  As someone who has several friends who aren’t immune to controversy, I just let them do their thing, whatever that may be on any given Sunday-Saturday, and I don’t judge.  I know that there is a lot more to people than what their blogs and Twitter feeds say.  You see, I’m smart enough and compassionate enough to know that there are many sides to one person and what you see is not always what you get.  So being that I am also loyal, I stand by my friends no matter what.  If I don’t like something that one of them has typed in their blogs, I’ll tell them so…just ask Karl.  At the same time, I won’t sell my friendships to the highest bidder.  What often KILLS me about this?  I’m lumped into this whole “guilt by association” thing and somehow, my name is brought up places that it shouldn’t be just because I choose to remain friends with a few controversial people.  Um yeah, let’s condemn someone for not being two-faced and actually sticking by her friends through thick and thin because THAT makes sense.

Believe you me, I know it goes two ways.  I’m sure that some of my friends have to sit by and wince when I do dumb things as well.  Yet, they never waiver in their love for me.  I’d rather have a handful of “net freaks” like that in my corner than a million two-faced friends who sit in their ivory towers, constantly judging and spitting out the sewage that seems to have been stuck in their throats.  I’m just fucking saying…

Before anyone asks, there is no drama.  This post was not born out of anything in particular, rather seeds of discontent that had been planted some time ago.  I think that I just now finally figured out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.  Go Team Me!

The Whole Blah Damn Thing Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly's Life 2008, I Love Them | Comments (21)

This Little Masochist Is Ready To Confess..

July 9th, 2008

You know what’s really suck-tastic about having extremely good intuition?  The paranoia that comes along with it.  Being able to read people really easily sometimes leads to me seeing things that aren’t there.  I have no idea where that comes from other than the fact that I’ve been hurt so many times in my life that I just want to guard myself before it happens again.  So I try and try and try not to let the paranoia consume me.  I let go of any assumption that someone is feeling or doing exactly what I can sense they are doing then try to remain rational.

It’s just not easy….

I like to speak my mind and ask the hard questions.  I’d rather look like an asshole by broaching a subject that may make someone think I’m crazy rather than sitting there with my heart breaking in a million little confused pieces.  However, lately…I’ve been shutting up and it’s driving me crazy.  Also, for the record, it’s not like my assumptions are totally crazy or anything like that.  I don’t go off half cocked, accusing people of plotting against me and/or finding ways to make me hurt.  Hell, sometimes I even ignore the obvious because I don’t want it to be true.  But generally, deep down in my gut, I’ve got it figured out before you do.

This time, I am not going to let it go.  I just have to get rid of the bowling ball in my stomach and say it.  I’ve got to find the words to express my fear without sounding needy or desperate.  I hate being needy and desperate.  I hate the fact that I hate showing that side of me too.  Still, I can’t expect anything to actually get better within my little heart until I actually just confront some of the people that I need to confront.  I guess I will make Thursday my “balls to the wall” day and just start asking the hard questions.  Partially, I’m more afraid of being right than I am of being wrong.

“Being Such A Girl” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly's Insecurities, Redefining Hilly | Comments (42)

Jinkies, Where Are My Glasses?

June 24th, 2008

Whenever I look at a picture, my focus immediately goes to the primary object, especially if that “object” is a person that I know.  Even then, I look at them more deeply than I should, examining the smile behind their eyes or the fact that they have one sleeve rolled up but not the other.  It just seems to be what I do.  I find things underneath the surface and whatnot.  Eventually, my focus dissipates and I allow my eyes to roam, taking in the rest of the picture.  I take the silliest pleasure in being able to notice the small things in the background, like the half eaten peanut butter sandwich or that envelope with my name on it.  I’ll scan to see what other information I can garner from your 800×600 pixelated moment, but not because I’m a crazy stalker or anything like that.  It’s more like…I’m always examining every angle of everything all of the damned time.

You know what gets lost in moments like those?  Yes, you guessed it…the big picture.  It’s strange that I can’t look at some things and enjoy them without acting as if I’m reading Highlights magazine.  Part of me knows that it’s due to that nagging little detective in me who always feels as if she truly is Velma, that foxy smart chick from Scooby Doo.  If I want to, I can pretty much figure almost anything out, but the real question that has come up in my mind today is…do I want to?  Actually, if I want to dive into this even further, do I need to?

It’s no secret that I may sorta kinda slightly maybe have some control issues.  While I don’t want to control other people, I get downright frustrated and scared if I’m not at least controlling every little thing that relates to me.  However, lately I’ve had almost absolutely no control over anything in my life and it’s starting to make me a little bit feistier than usual.  Please don’t get me wrong…I’m not playing the victim here while I cry “oh, woe is me”.  When I say that I have no control over certain things, it’s because I’ve chosen to relinquish it rather than chase the elusive hope that I can make things go my way all of the time by analyzing them to death.

I’ve recently found myself in a situation where there is absolutely no control whatsoever and you know what?  I kind of like it.  I’ve let go of the whole “what am i doing”, “what happens next”, “what does this mean?” type of shit and have just allowed myself to be in my moments, enjoying them for what they are.  Yeah yeah, I know I don’t fool you…there is always a little voice in the back of my head but I am trying to just not listen to it all of the damned time.  Right now, my life is a huge fucking mess.  While some of that mess is just a bunch of pain and confusion, mixed with eggshells and uncertainty…there is another side of it.  It’s like the mess that gets made on Sunday mornings when you decide to read the whole paper in bed and maybe even eat there too.  Not all messes are bad….you just have to take into consideration how they were made in the first place!

I have no idea what is about to happen in my life…none.  So much is changing while so much remains the same.  Dave often uses the quote “wherever you go, there you are” and I find myself thinking about that a lot lately.  Just because there are pieces of me that are shattered and spread everywhere does not mean that they won’t all fall back together to form Hilly all over again.  Wherever I end up, I will still have those precious pieces of me to hold on to when it seems that I forget where I am or wonder why I am alone.

The truth is that I’m strong.  The truth is that I’m so scared right now that I’m crying as I type this.  The truth is that my heart breaks and smiles all at the same time.  The truth is that some days I want to slay dragons while others I just want to hide behind my prince.  The truth is that part of me loves.  The truth is that the other part of me can’t feel a damned thing.  The truth is that I pretty much talk about all of my feelings.  The truth is that I’m scared to say how I really feel too.  The truth is…I am Hilly and wherever I go, I’ll still be me.

Nutter Butter Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (20)

Loves Me, Loves Me Not….

June 10th, 2008

Last month, a “friend” of mine sent me an email telling me that she absolutely loved everything about me then turned around within days and impugned my entire character. In fact, within one stinking day, this person went from “love you, mean it!” to “I have no idea what the Blogosphere sees in you”. I had all of these thoughts swimming around in my head at the time, most of them centered around trying to be the bigger person and not putting the verbal hammer down on this fucking beyotch, truth be told. After many cocktails and even more conversations with people who said, “But Hilly, she is SO not worth it”, I decided to let it go…..mostly. However, when I remembered this train wreck earlier today, I grimaced at how easily her “love” for me was dismissed. I mean, come on….we can love people and still not be happy with some of the things they do, right? I mean, that’s always how *I* have experienced love but then again, I’m not a fickle pickle who throws around phrases that are actually supposed to mean something.

Here’s the thing….you and I need to be pretty tight before it’s okay to throw around a phrase that is stepped on more than it should be. I know in this day and age of Internet Slang Cafe, where everybody “totally PPH’s each other”, I probably seem like a total phrase-prude, but dammit…I have to draw a line somewhere. You can tell me that I’m witty, clever, beautiful, your favorite blogger, sexy, warm, charming and a million other things without really meaning them. Sure, when I figure out that you are walking around with your pants on fire, it will probably hurt my feelings a little bit but hey, I’ll get over it. There are, however, three little words that I expect you to really mean when you say them to me:

I. love. you.

Now then…I don’t expect you to love me madly and deeply or anything, but at least freaking mean it! How many different kinds of love are there? Everything from humanistic tendencies to romantic feelings to friend-love to parental love…..we run the gamut daily. I know that we all feel different levels of love for different people and some hippies or “humanists” may argue that it is okay to spew out that phrase to every beloved creature they happen upon. But I’m here to tell you that I don’t like how common it has become. Don’t get me wrong….I’d love to give everyone a Coke and a smile but I’ll be damned if I’m mean enough to hand you a Coke that I have already spit in or intend to spit in. What does that mean, for those that once again missed Camp Metaphor this summer? That means that I will never ever tell you that I love you unless I do love you, at whatever level that happens to be.

And hey, I know that some of you will read this and think I am being ridiculous. It’s just that, with these here Internets becoming our main form of communication, a lot of us are quick to throw out “Love you!” and the phrase that makes me cringe every time….”hugz”. I definitely don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression…I love the fact that people will freely use the “love” phrase when I know that they mean it, (again, at whatever level that is). But if I just “internet met” you yesterday, do you really have love for me? And more importantly, will you still love me in the morning?

While you may be sitting there whispering, “Wow, Hilly has finally fucking lost it”, just stop and think for a moment. Do you use the word “love” like it’s just another four-letter thing to be thrown into the wind? Or…does that word sit locked up in a box with a pretty bow until you’re ready for it to truly be heartfelt? What about the term PPH (which I’ll admit to using) or something similar? How does that phrase compare? I’d love to know what the rest of the PRB things about this crazy little “issue” I have shared with you today. Be honest, but please be nice. Seriously.

Oh and one last thing….I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I never want to hear you tell me that you love me. It’s quite the opposite, actually! I just want it to be true, that’s all :).

“Sand In My Vagina” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (55)

Forgive Me Love, If I Cry In Your Shower…

June 9th, 2008

Sometime around the middle of last week, I lost it.

I was sitting at my computer, not even paying attention to the words on my screen when my mind drifted off to a very forbidden place filled with tabu emotions and fruitless desires.  As I realized that I was treading down a path where I’d promised my heart we wouldn’t go, I rapidly snapped myself back into the land of firm reality.  Unfortunately, I think I sped back from my daydream way too quickly, causing a major traffic accident between my heart and my soul.

Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed.  You know the kind of crying where you just can’t catch your breath no matter how hard you try?  My immediate instinct was to dash off to the kitchen to find my phone and call Karl, and that is exactly what I did.  Although I don’t remember the exact words that came out of my mouth, I know that they centered around confusion, pain, and the fear of utter loneliness.  We only talked briefly as it was one of those moments that Karl is all too familiar with….one where I don’t need him to say all of the right words, but rather to listen while I cry.   And he did. Within five minutes of hanging up, this was dropped into my Gmail Inbox:

Just wanted to say that I know you can do anything. You’re one of the strongest people I know. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course.

Love you,
K

And yes yes, let’s all take a moment to gush over how sweet my best bud is but after that, there’s a point I want to make.  When I read that email, I actually thought to myself, “Yes I am strong. I can indeed do anything and everything if I just put one foot in front of the other, dammit!“.  And so, this being a truth that I was vehemently sold on, I began to wonder then, why the hell I had been hysterically lost just minutes before.  Don’t get me wrong…you all know that I think crying and getting those emotions out are fucking awesome but why so damned hysterical?

Then it hit me…..

I’d not been stuffing my emotions with food for a few days.  Actually, I’d not stuffed them with booze either.  I’d decided to dedicate myself to losing weight this time, no matter what came my way and in doing so, the voids weren’t getting filled up before I could truly feel them.  It was like this huge beacon of light came down from heaven above and I said, “Puhraiiiise Jayyy-zus!” because I finally understood what I had been doing to myself all of these years.

Later, I recounted this emotional upheaval to yet another good friend and in talking to him about it, I had this huge epiphany!  I just want to live in every emotion, breathe it in, deal with feelings as they come and be completely in real moments rather than walking through life avoiding it all by stuffing it with one thing or the other.  Whether it be blissful elation that makes my whole being sing or gut-wrenching pain that seems to physically break my heart, I want to actually be in my own moments, for Christ’s sake.*  I know that it won’t always be easy….in fact, it probably will be more difficult than anything else but I’m ready to grow up just a little bit more and handle this shit!  So we’re back to me living my life to its fullest and beaming at the fact that I know life needs to be about so much more than “settling”.  Mediocrity is no longer an option. Life needs to be lived happily, not just surviving….fucking living. (When did I turn into Lance Armstrong?).

In any case, I’ll step down off of my rose-colored soapbox now.  If you’ve read this whole thing, you’ve just taken a trip into the madness of my mind….please grab a mint on the way out.  Oh, and one last thing?  Making the decision to live through those emotions without food as a weapon turned out to be a very good thing.  My official Jenny Craig weight loss for my first week back on the program was a total of 8.4 pounds! Who’s the big winner? I am, thanks!

Waxing Prosaic Kisses,
Me

* If I take the Lord’s name in vain one more time today, I may get struck down.

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly on Love | Comments (34)

I Hear In My Mind, All Of These Words….

June 2nd, 2008

The thing about being a "personal blogger" is that I open myself up to all kinds of shit that I wouldn’t have to deal with if I could just learn how to be funny and start a humor blog.  Were I a "humor blogger", I could talk about the various things I’d do when my pants fell down and my privates were exposed…what a laugh we’d all have!  Instead, my exposure is a little more deep, displaying my guts as if I were a cartoon character behind an xray machine that yanno…actually showed guts.  Don’t get me wrong….I’m not sitting here with a whiny voice in my head as I write this post.  Quite the contrary, actually.  It’s with a pretty thick skin that I sit here knowing that someone, somewhere, is going to read this and roll their eyes because rather than actually seeing my words, they’ll summarize and miss the bigger picture.  It’s just that sometimes I wish it didn’t have to be like that.

Hell, I put the microscope up for you to look through every day so it’s not like I can sit here and deny any culpability for the way I’m feeling right now.  When I’m having a bad day, you hear about it.  When I’m feeling sad, you hear about it.  Fat, unloved, scared, confused, lonely, marriage problems, family problems, money problems….you hear about them all.  But you see…that is what my blog is here for.  It’s a place where I can come when all other options have been exacerbated.  It’s the place where I can let it all hang out.  And when all is said and done, it’s my place.

I think one of the truest yet saddest things about human nature is that
we are drawn to the negative, especially when we are dissecting someone
else’s words.  Hell, sometimes it is so much easier for me to relate to a post where someone else feels lost and scared than it is to one where the writer’s life is a bowl of fucking cherries.  I mean, of course I’m always completely thrilled for people when their lives are that great, but can I relate?  Not right now.  Not today.  But hey…maybe soon.  In the meantime, I write about what I do know and/or what I am going through.  This isn’t the best period of my life but it sure as hell isn’t the worst either.  So I navel-gaze and talk about the same emotional issues a lot.  Well duh….of course I am going to do that because I am working through them and as I do that, things spill from my heart out onto the page.  That’s just the way it is, baby.

I also think that one of the truest yet saddest things about human nature is that we tend to judge people who are so happy that they sparkle by calling them egotistical or something just as mean.  First of all, anyone who blogs is a bit egotistical.  You have to have  narcissistic tendencies if you really believe that people want to read and comment on the shit you write every day.  Hey, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you know what I am saying.  So there will be times when I shine.  In those times, I get silly and take pictures of myself sucking on popsicles or sometimes even worse.  It doesn’t mean that I need your attention but maybe it means that I want it.  And you know what?  That’s okay too!  When people are in a really great place and feel like the world around them just glows with love and magic, they want to draw others in so that everyone can feel alive together.  There should be no apologies made for loving yourself that much, even if it is only for a moment or two.

So my point is…wait, do I have one?  Oh yes, right…for those of you that guessed there was trickery or an underlying theme on my Snackie Sunday post, there wasn’t.  I was actually just curious as to what words people would use when very limited.  What fascinated me was seeing how some people used very broad terms to describe themselves and me while others pinpointed one aspect of their personalties and sadly, mine as well.  I’ve got no real opinion on that other than the fact that it intrigued me enough to make my mind wander all over the place.  The end result?  This post.  The post that means everything yet nothing at all.

Yummy S’Mores Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (33)

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