Archive for the ‘Hilly On A Tangent’ Category

Loves Me, Loves Me Not….

June 10th, 2008

Last month, a “friend” of mine sent me an email telling me that she absolutely loved everything about me then turned around within days and impugned my entire character. In fact, within one stinking day, this person went from “love you, mean it!” to “I have no idea what the Blogosphere sees in you”. I had all of these thoughts swimming around in my head at the time, most of them centered around trying to be the bigger person and not putting the verbal hammer down on this fucking beyotch, truth be told. After many cocktails and even more conversations with people who said, “But Hilly, she is SO not worth it”, I decided to let it go…..mostly. However, when I remembered this train wreck earlier today, I grimaced at how easily her “love” for me was dismissed. I mean, come on….we can love people and still not be happy with some of the things they do, right? I mean, that’s always how *I* have experienced love but then again, I’m not a fickle pickle who throws around phrases that are actually supposed to mean something.

Here’s the thing….you and I need to be pretty tight before it’s okay to throw around a phrase that is stepped on more than it should be. I know in this day and age of Internet Slang Cafe, where everybody “totally PPH’s each other”, I probably seem like a total phrase-prude, but dammit…I have to draw a line somewhere. You can tell me that I’m witty, clever, beautiful, your favorite blogger, sexy, warm, charming and a million other things without really meaning them. Sure, when I figure out that you are walking around with your pants on fire, it will probably hurt my feelings a little bit but hey, I’ll get over it. There are, however, three little words that I expect you to really mean when you say them to me:

I. love. you.

Now then…I don’t expect you to love me madly and deeply or anything, but at least freaking mean it! How many different kinds of love are there? Everything from humanistic tendencies to romantic feelings to friend-love to parental love…..we run the gamut daily. I know that we all feel different levels of love for different people and some hippies or “humanists” may argue that it is okay to spew out that phrase to every beloved creature they happen upon. But I’m here to tell you that I don’t like how common it has become. Don’t get me wrong….I’d love to give everyone a Coke and a smile but I’ll be damned if I’m mean enough to hand you a Coke that I have already spit in or intend to spit in. What does that mean, for those that once again missed Camp Metaphor this summer? That means that I will never ever tell you that I love you unless I do love you, at whatever level that happens to be.

And hey, I know that some of you will read this and think I am being ridiculous. It’s just that, with these here Internets becoming our main form of communication, a lot of us are quick to throw out “Love you!” and the phrase that makes me cringe every time….”hugz”. I definitely don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression…I love the fact that people will freely use the “love” phrase when I know that they mean it, (again, at whatever level that is). But if I just “internet met” you yesterday, do you really have love for me? And more importantly, will you still love me in the morning?

While you may be sitting there whispering, “Wow, Hilly has finally fucking lost it”, just stop and think for a moment. Do you use the word “love” like it’s just another four-letter thing to be thrown into the wind? Or…does that word sit locked up in a box with a pretty bow until you’re ready for it to truly be heartfelt? What about the term PPH (which I’ll admit to using) or something similar? How does that phrase compare? I’d love to know what the rest of the PRB things about this crazy little “issue” I have shared with you today. Be honest, but please be nice. Seriously.

Oh and one last thing….I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I never want to hear you tell me that you love me. It’s quite the opposite, actually! I just want it to be true, that’s all :).

“Sand In My Vagina” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (55)

Forgive Me Love, If I Cry In Your Shower…

June 9th, 2008

Sometime around the middle of last week, I lost it.

I was sitting at my computer, not even paying attention to the words on my screen when my mind drifted off to a very forbidden place filled with tabu emotions and fruitless desires.  As I realized that I was treading down a path where I’d promised my heart we wouldn’t go, I rapidly snapped myself back into the land of firm reality.  Unfortunately, I think I sped back from my daydream way too quickly, causing a major traffic accident between my heart and my soul.

Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed.  You know the kind of crying where you just can’t catch your breath no matter how hard you try?  My immediate instinct was to dash off to the kitchen to find my phone and call Karl, and that is exactly what I did.  Although I don’t remember the exact words that came out of my mouth, I know that they centered around confusion, pain, and the fear of utter loneliness.  We only talked briefly as it was one of those moments that Karl is all too familiar with….one where I don’t need him to say all of the right words, but rather to listen while I cry.   And he did. Within five minutes of hanging up, this was dropped into my Gmail Inbox:

Just wanted to say that I know you can do anything. You’re one of the strongest people I know. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, of course.

Love you,
K

And yes yes, let’s all take a moment to gush over how sweet my best bud is but after that, there’s a point I want to make.  When I read that email, I actually thought to myself, “Yes I am strong. I can indeed do anything and everything if I just put one foot in front of the other, dammit!“.  And so, this being a truth that I was vehemently sold on, I began to wonder then, why the hell I had been hysterically lost just minutes before.  Don’t get me wrong…you all know that I think crying and getting those emotions out are fucking awesome but why so damned hysterical?

Then it hit me…..

I’d not been stuffing my emotions with food for a few days.  Actually, I’d not stuffed them with booze either.  I’d decided to dedicate myself to losing weight this time, no matter what came my way and in doing so, the voids weren’t getting filled up before I could truly feel them.  It was like this huge beacon of light came down from heaven above and I said, “Puhraiiiise Jayyy-zus!” because I finally understood what I had been doing to myself all of these years.

Later, I recounted this emotional upheaval to yet another good friend and in talking to him about it, I had this huge epiphany!  I just want to live in every emotion, breathe it in, deal with feelings as they come and be completely in real moments rather than walking through life avoiding it all by stuffing it with one thing or the other.  Whether it be blissful elation that makes my whole being sing or gut-wrenching pain that seems to physically break my heart, I want to actually be in my own moments, for Christ’s sake.*  I know that it won’t always be easy….in fact, it probably will be more difficult than anything else but I’m ready to grow up just a little bit more and handle this shit!  So we’re back to me living my life to its fullest and beaming at the fact that I know life needs to be about so much more than “settling”.  Mediocrity is no longer an option. Life needs to be lived happily, not just surviving….fucking living. (When did I turn into Lance Armstrong?).

In any case, I’ll step down off of my rose-colored soapbox now.  If you’ve read this whole thing, you’ve just taken a trip into the madness of my mind….please grab a mint on the way out.  Oh, and one last thing?  Making the decision to live through those emotions without food as a weapon turned out to be a very good thing.  My official Jenny Craig weight loss for my first week back on the program was a total of 8.4 pounds! Who’s the big winner? I am, thanks!

Waxing Prosaic Kisses,
Me

* If I take the Lord’s name in vain one more time today, I may get struck down.

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly on Love | Comments (34)

I Hear In My Mind, All Of These Words….

June 2nd, 2008

The thing about being a "personal blogger" is that I open myself up to all kinds of shit that I wouldn’t have to deal with if I could just learn how to be funny and start a humor blog.  Were I a "humor blogger", I could talk about the various things I’d do when my pants fell down and my privates were exposed…what a laugh we’d all have!  Instead, my exposure is a little more deep, displaying my guts as if I were a cartoon character behind an xray machine that yanno…actually showed guts.  Don’t get me wrong….I’m not sitting here with a whiny voice in my head as I write this post.  Quite the contrary, actually.  It’s with a pretty thick skin that I sit here knowing that someone, somewhere, is going to read this and roll their eyes because rather than actually seeing my words, they’ll summarize and miss the bigger picture.  It’s just that sometimes I wish it didn’t have to be like that.

Hell, I put the microscope up for you to look through every day so it’s not like I can sit here and deny any culpability for the way I’m feeling right now.  When I’m having a bad day, you hear about it.  When I’m feeling sad, you hear about it.  Fat, unloved, scared, confused, lonely, marriage problems, family problems, money problems….you hear about them all.  But you see…that is what my blog is here for.  It’s a place where I can come when all other options have been exacerbated.  It’s the place where I can let it all hang out.  And when all is said and done, it’s my place.

I think one of the truest yet saddest things about human nature is that
we are drawn to the negative, especially when we are dissecting someone
else’s words.  Hell, sometimes it is so much easier for me to relate to a post where someone else feels lost and scared than it is to one where the writer’s life is a bowl of fucking cherries.  I mean, of course I’m always completely thrilled for people when their lives are that great, but can I relate?  Not right now.  Not today.  But hey…maybe soon.  In the meantime, I write about what I do know and/or what I am going through.  This isn’t the best period of my life but it sure as hell isn’t the worst either.  So I navel-gaze and talk about the same emotional issues a lot.  Well duh….of course I am going to do that because I am working through them and as I do that, things spill from my heart out onto the page.  That’s just the way it is, baby.

I also think that one of the truest yet saddest things about human nature is that we tend to judge people who are so happy that they sparkle by calling them egotistical or something just as mean.  First of all, anyone who blogs is a bit egotistical.  You have to have  narcissistic tendencies if you really believe that people want to read and comment on the shit you write every day.  Hey, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you know what I am saying.  So there will be times when I shine.  In those times, I get silly and take pictures of myself sucking on popsicles or sometimes even worse.  It doesn’t mean that I need your attention but maybe it means that I want it.  And you know what?  That’s okay too!  When people are in a really great place and feel like the world around them just glows with love and magic, they want to draw others in so that everyone can feel alive together.  There should be no apologies made for loving yourself that much, even if it is only for a moment or two.

So my point is…wait, do I have one?  Oh yes, right…for those of you that guessed there was trickery or an underlying theme on my Snackie Sunday post, there wasn’t.  I was actually just curious as to what words people would use when very limited.  What fascinated me was seeing how some people used very broad terms to describe themselves and me while others pinpointed one aspect of their personalties and sadly, mine as well.  I’ve got no real opinion on that other than the fact that it intrigued me enough to make my mind wander all over the place.  The end result?  This post.  The post that means everything yet nothing at all.

Yummy S’Mores Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (33)

Line Me Up In Single File With All Your Grievances….

May 20th, 2008

When I left my house this morning, I was thinking a lot about self-deprecation and why we all do it so much.  What I’m starting to notice is this trend of "putting myself down before you can do it" and you know what?  It sucks to feel that way.  Before anyone starts reminding me that I just "windexed" the glass house that I live in, I am well aware that there is a little pot/kettle action going on right now.  Then again, how can you really and deeply recognize something in another person when you’ve not been the same way yourself?  Some may come and argue that you can but today, that’s not the case.

I cannot count how many times I’ve referred to myself as "my fat ass" or something similar.  I’d need twenty million abacuses to figure out the mathematics involved in how many times I’ve used humor to deflect, sarcasm to hide or any other number of random things that I can do in order to make sure that you don’t hurt me.  The funny thing is….you’re probably not the one that’s going to hurt me at all.  Still, because I want you to like me or need you to love me, I want to hide behind my prickly skin…you know, the one where nothing bothers me as long as *I* say it first.

I’ve been trying to determine whether it is always about protecting myself though…sometimes I make jokes at my own expense because they’re funny.  If I can’t laugh at myself then what the hell is life going to be like in the long run?  Trust me, no one wants to see stressed out Hillymonster who lives in a land of self-flagellating her mistakes away.  Hrm, something about that seemed a little bit sexy and hot but it probably shouldn’t, right?  In any case, it seems to me that my intention is what I should be looking at….am I immediately defending myself with humor just to save myself from your ridicule because I need your approval?  Or….am I just being a silly Hilly who is having a good time with herself?

I’m reflecting upon this today and wondering where we all draw that line in the sand.  I know that when I watch others do it, I just want to hug them and say that I love them no matter what their flaws are.  I want to empathize and let them know that their hearts and souls are safe with me.  But then again, I don’t want them to soften just for me when the world can be a cruel place.  I’d feel shitty for taking away someone’s hard candy shell….or would I?  Hrm, thoughts?

Promising A Show Daily Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (30)

Okay, Here’s The Situation….

May 19th, 2008

My parents went away on a week’s vacation and….

Sorry, I’m just like Britt….whenever someone says "okay, here’s the situation", I immediately turn into The Fresh Prince.  Cause yanno, I’m fly like that.  Oy, even *I* shook my head at that one.

Anyway, on Saturday I briefly mentioned that I am coming up on my 15,000th comment here at Snackie’s World.  I know that some of you look at that and think "how quaint" while others think "holy shit, that’s a lot" while I remain in the middle realizing that it’s all relative.  Okay, who am I kidding?  That’s a lot!  I’m often surprised by the fact that people not only want to actually read what I have to say but also care to comment often enough to let me know that my voice is being heard.  It astounds me, this world of blogging.  Sometimes I wonder if I should throw it all away but then I remember the sense of community gained through it all and remember why I am here….

I’ve gained three best friends.
I’ve changed by stance on having female friends.
I’ve lost my breath and found butterflies in my tummy.
I’ve found creative solutions to problems which I thought would never end.
I’ve learned about different cultures, races and religions.
I’ve seen people rally together to help those in need here in Blogistan.
I’ve witnessed the birth of careers, friendships, and even love affairs

But most importantly….

I found my voice.
I realized that I am worthy of love and being loved.
I’m reminded that I am beautiful and sexy.
I’ve been challenged.
I’ve been praised and I’ve been lambasted.
I remembered that I love creative writing.
I’ve decided that I am strong enough to change my life for the better.
And…I’ve realized that life is too short to accept mediocrity whether it be in love or anything else.

All of this?  Through blogging.

Are these things I could have come up with on my own, without a blog?  Of course they are…but I tell you what, it would have taken a lot longer.  The best thing about blogging for me, other than the interpersonal relationships that I’ve made, is the rampant diversity in my readers/commenters.  I can bleed my life onto this page when all seems lost and have ten different people tell me ten different ways to cope, five different people willing to virtually hold my hand, and three different people who have immediately attached their phone to their ears and are ready to call me.  It’s a beautiful thing and I just want to say…

I am thankful for all of you….much more than words can ever say.

So much so that I’ll be pimping up the "Snackie’s World 15,000th Comment Giveaway Extravaganza" throughout the month of May and maybe beyond.  I won’t tell you what comment we are on now but sufficed to say, one of you will "hit that" before June is over (but probably much sooner).  What could possibly be a prize?  Well, you will have to wait and see.  But I’ll give you a hint…it will be awesome.  And the best part is that you really don’t have to do anything other than what you’ve already been doing!

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (38)

Get Off The Cross, We Need The Wood…..

April 22nd, 2008

Something about yesterday’s post left me feeling empowered.  Some comments that were made helped me open my eyes and view things in a completely different way, which I desperately needed to do.  It’s hard when you finally wake up and notice how you’ve become someone else than you were yesterday.  Life, or at least mine, is constantly evolving and changing therefore shaping a lot of who I am here on this blog.  While the core of me hardly changes, sometimes it does and that’s when I am making a change for the better and muddling my way through it.  When that happens…the muddling, I mean…I am more imperfect than usual and although the things I do or write may be what some would call "out of character", they are still every fiber of me just being me.

I hate to say "love me or leave me" because there’s a part of me that doesn’t mean that really.  But in the end, people who fall by the wayside because you’ve changed?  Well, it’s sad that they could not change and grow with you, but what are you going to do?  Over the last three years, I’ve had blog friends drop like flies and it continues to happen today (although now I also get Twitter-dumped so I notice it more quickly).  When my blog tends to take another turn in yet another direction, some people drop off….oddly enough, those are usually the ones who profess to love you one day then simply stop commenting the next.  However, I figure that is just the way the cookie crumbles.  Sometimes people come and go without even blinking twice, some people stay for months on end then just take a flight out of Hillywood without so much as a goodbye, and others….well those are the ones I call my friends. 

Which brings me to an interesting question….can someone still be your friend or "blog friend" if they never comment on your blog?  I think the answer to that is yes, most definitely.  Just like anything else, it depends on how strong that bond was anyway.  But I’m not delusional….I know that if I stopped blogging today, I’d lose about 50% of my "friends" instantly.  I’m not being a martyr princess here at all…it’s just a reality in this busy world that sometimes the easiest way to keep up with people is by blogging.  But back to my question…I have another!  Do you think that people can still call each other "friend" if they stop commenting on each others blogs and also stop communicating in almost every way?  Let’s say nothing happens, no falling out, nothing "bad" per se….maybe life just made those people drift apart?

In any case, I guess I’ve just been thinking about all of my "fallen soldiers"…the people who once were here no matter what yet now don’t love me so much.  I realize that when I started out blogging, I was strictly a weight loss blogger and I probably lost a lot of those people just because I don’t talk about that stuff anymore.  I’d really rather not talk about it then be this big Fraudy McFattybones anyway.  Being myself is key here…absolutely key.  Losing people because I am myself is much better than losing them because I’m not.

Which brings me to another thought I had swirling around about this whole thing….being yourself goes hand in hand with not finding your self-worth in what someone else thinks about you.  We’re often too quick to announce that we’re not going somewhere or quitting blogging because so-and-so doesn’t like us or we just aren’t "popular" enough.  As Delores O’Riordan would say, "What’s in your head?".  Do you want to me a high maintenance friend or a low maintenance one?  What I mean by that is….do you want to constantly pressure others for their feelings about you in order to seek some form of validation?  No matter what I say or do regarding my insecurities, there is no one out there who has the power to make me hate myself…that’s all on me.  In the end, we just have to be ourselves and that will attract the people that we are *meant* to be around.  I don’t know…maybe my opinion on this is for the birds, but it sure feels good to feel strong and in my right mind today.

Zombie Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent | Comments (45)

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