Archive for the ‘Hilly's Insecurities’ Category

This Little Masochist Is Ready To Confess..

July 9th, 2008

You know what’s really suck-tastic about having extremely good intuition?  The paranoia that comes along with it.  Being able to read people really easily sometimes leads to me seeing things that aren’t there.  I have no idea where that comes from other than the fact that I’ve been hurt so many times in my life that I just want to guard myself before it happens again.  So I try and try and try not to let the paranoia consume me.  I let go of any assumption that someone is feeling or doing exactly what I can sense they are doing then try to remain rational.

It’s just not easy….

I like to speak my mind and ask the hard questions.  I’d rather look like an asshole by broaching a subject that may make someone think I’m crazy rather than sitting there with my heart breaking in a million little confused pieces.  However, lately…I’ve been shutting up and it’s driving me crazy.  Also, for the record, it’s not like my assumptions are totally crazy or anything like that.  I don’t go off half cocked, accusing people of plotting against me and/or finding ways to make me hurt.  Hell, sometimes I even ignore the obvious because I don’t want it to be true.  But generally, deep down in my gut, I’ve got it figured out before you do.

This time, I am not going to let it go.  I just have to get rid of the bowling ball in my stomach and say it.  I’ve got to find the words to express my fear without sounding needy or desperate.  I hate being needy and desperate.  I hate the fact that I hate showing that side of me too.  Still, I can’t expect anything to actually get better within my little heart until I actually just confront some of the people that I need to confront.  I guess I will make Thursday my “balls to the wall” day and just start asking the hard questions.  Partially, I’m more afraid of being right than I am of being wrong.

“Being Such A Girl” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly's Insecurities, Redefining Hilly | Comments (42)

A Letter To My Body….

March 27th, 2008

Dear Body,

Look, I’m just going to start with the elephant in the room (no pun intended) and say it….you’re fat.  I’m sorry that I’ve treated you so poorly over the years and want you to know that above all else, I need to be kinder to you.  Here’s the thing, body…we may never get skinny but that’s not really our goal right now.  Moving forward, we’re going to get healthy no matter what. I’m sure you’ve noticed the increased activity lately…it’s called exercise.  I know you’re not really used to that word lingering around in our brain but it’s here to stay…fortunately or unfortunately, depending on the mood we’re in.

I’ve decided that our love/hate relationship is a two way street and I’ve not really been doing my part.  Aside from the tonsillectomy when I was 6 years old and that damned tendinitis you’ve decided to make my number one fan….you’ve been quite good to me.  You’ve never had a broken bone.  You’ve never needed invasive surgery.  Most importantly, you’ve never caused the fear and panic that comes with a life-threatening disease and for that I am forever thankful.  Also, you’ve got really great hair growing out of your head and the narcissist in me digs that about you.

I guess I call our relationship love/hate because a part of me hates you.  Oh man, maybe "hate" isn’t the right word because if I truly hated you, I’d never have stopped using drugs or stopped smoking.  By the way, thanks for not dying out on me during those crazy days.  Yet another point for you!  Honestly, I’m ashamed of you.  I’m tired of slyly skulking about a room so that people won’t notice how flabby and chubbtastic you are.  It makes me sad when I walk past a mirror and loathe everything about you, sometimes to the point of hot tears.  The worst part is wondering if people are actually going to like me the same when they meet me in person…because of YOU!  I’m always worried that they’ll take one look at you and snicker inside while pretending not to notice.  I’m also convinced that they’ll gossip with others about how ugly and round you are as well.

Which reminds me, thanks a ton for the paranoia and anxiety disorder, you fucking bitch.  Oh wait, I am supposed to ooze kindness towards you…damn, sorry. 

Usually when I loathe something, I toss it away and never look at it again.  Sadly, that’s sort of what I’ve done to you….I’ve pretty much tossed you in a pair of baggy track pants and a t-shirt and hidden you behind the pretty girls.  I’ve done absolutely nothing to make our relationship work and I’m finally here to admit it.  I mean really, you’re not all bad!  Your lips are talked about world wide and so are your eyes.  If I can just remember that you "have such a pretty face" then maybe I won’t feel so bad.

Starting right now, we’re making changes!  You’re going to walk tall and proud no matter how fat-assed you are!  You’re going to be fed lots of healthy foods then put on a leash and walked nightly.  You’re going to get weekly pedicures and give yourself weekly facials so that your skin continues to glow and stay young.  You’re going to stop taking 10 different pills in order to get to sleep and just finally find the ONE that works.  You’re going to drink 10 glasses of water a day.  You’re going to feel energized. 

By the time this is all over, you’re going to love me.  And maybe…just maybe, I’m going to learn to love you back.

Kisses,
Hilly

IT ONLY TOOK ME A MONTH TO FINALLY GET ON THE LETTER TO MY BODY INITIATIVE STARTED AT BLOGHER.  I GUESS IT TOOK ME A MONTH TO BE ABLE TO FIND THE WORDS, HONESTLY.

Posted in Hilly's Insecurities | Comments (29)