Archive for the ‘Hilly's Life 2008’ Category

I’ll Tell You That I’m Happy If You Want Me To…

October 21st, 2008

I spend a lot of time living in my head, especially when faced with a huge dilemma that I truly don’t want to figure out.  Oh you know how it goes…sometimes mental health goes out the window and we stand fighting for any speck of happiness to be squeezed out of a heart shaped turnip.  And so it goes…and goes and goes.  Being both a loyal and hope-filled person, I tend to hang on to things longer than I should.  I keep friendships that are clearly toxic and don’t even get me started on romantic entanglements.  It’s not as if I’m too blind to see what is in front of my face and it would be a lie if I said that I just don’t want to believe it.  Yeah, I usually see it, believe it and then ignore it in the hope that it will totally go away.  But the thing that we all know is…it never really does.

I have no idea how this came to be, but I think that once again, I was saved by George Michael (or Wham, to be more specific).  I was driving along the other day, listening to my MP3 player while singing along.  A song cycled through, then another and another and yet…I couldn’t get one of the lyrics out of my head.  In fact, I’ve been singing it all morning.

“You’ve showed me you can take; you’ve got some giving to do.”

It’s odd how one little line from one crazy song that has nothing to do with my life can still make me jump out of my fantasy head and into the place where my analytical thoughts take over.  There are these things happening in my life that probably aren’t healthy.  I keep allowing myself to step into situations knowing that I deserve more…knowing that I am “better than all of this”.  I’m pretty sure that I often want so much to believe in something or rather someone that I put blinders on, never fully seeing their true intentions.  There’s a fucking balance that I just can’t find.  I never want to be this paranoid person who sees someone treating her poorly and yet my instincts tell me not to believe the fantastic lies that I am being told.  What’s even worse it kicking those instincts to the curb due to the lies I am telling *myself*.

I’m now in this place where I feel like opening up my mouth and screaming at the people with whom I have these problems.  However, they would not be angry screams…more like, screams of hurt and desperation.  I want to say, “I see who you really are no matter how hard you try to hide” then let them know that they aren’t fooling me anymore.  The thing is, you’d think I was angry right now or maybe a little bit snarky but I’m not.  I’m totally hurt and confused by the fact that I think I’m being played by some and strung along by others.  I’ll admit that I’m not the best at confrontation all of the time and yes, it’s often hard to say things to people that I know will not only hurt them but also probably close a door to whatever it is that we have.  But holy crap, how much more time can I spend ignoring the nagging sensations inside of me just hoping they will go away?

I told a friend the other day that I’ve been taking really good care of my body yet compltely neglecting my heart and soul.  I don’t think ball busting through weight loss is every going to fully work until I clean out the inside of my guts too.  I think it’s time to stop hiding behind my television and to start saying whatever it is that I need to say to people.  I mean, even if it devastates me for the time being, I think that maybe the end result will be worth it.

Right?

Crest Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (25)

Pay Attention, Here’s The Thick Of The Plot…

October 20th, 2008

Thursday night, I was lying in bed watching copious amounts of television when a crazy text session turned into a phone call and then turned into me frantically running around and packing a suitcase.  You see, as of last Tuesday, I had emailed Davey-Joe and told him that I would not be able to attend Dave Francisco for financial reasons.  This also meant telling FooDiddy that I wasn’t able to come up and stay at her house then drive to San Francisco with her as originally planned.  At first, Foo was cool because she thought she’d be able to do a little work over the weekend but when her work plans got canceled, she devised a plan (some might even say a plot) to get my happy ass to that party.  So, when all the madness was worked out, as an awesome birthday present to me, Foo and Mr. Foo paid for my trip up to Northern California and subsequently to Dave Francisco.  However, this gift came with one rule…a rule that was way more hard for me to adhere to than I thought it would be.

I could not tell anyone that I was coming.  We were going to make it a surprise!  Oddly enough, I never spilled the beans or even alluded to the fact that there *were* beans.  I didn’t blog, didn’t say anything suspicious on Twitter and really didn’t even email or call anyone for fear that I’d open my big fat trap.  It got really hard to stay quiet on Saturday afternoon when everyone was twittering their plans and whereabouts.  I have no idea if it is a control issue or just more of an issue of me liking to be in on everything but damn, it was hard as hell not to throw my silly self right into the mix.  I felt like a little kid that wanted to shout, “me too!  me too!  I’m totally here!  You can’t see me and you don’t know but I *am* coming to see you all!”.  Yes, I have issues but that is what my therapist is for…or would be for if I actually *had* one, ahem.

So anyway, once I made it to Foo’s house, we did the normal thing…talked, laughed, went out to dinner, watched tv, blah blah.  However, her husband had promised a client of his that we’d meet up with her posse for her birthday thing at this karaoke bar…um, starting at 11pm.  Dude, can I just pause for the cause and say that BOTH Foo and I were feeling like we’re way too old to be starting an event at 11pm?  Haha.  So we get to this bar and holy hell, it is this cheesy dive hole that houses tons of young semi-ghettolicious kids that have to be maybe 25 at the oldest…well, except the old dudes that showed up to troll the young girls.  Can you say creepy?  We stood outside of the bar, where we felt most comfortable, staring at women in plastic white high heels who thought that wearing outfits laden in gold writing and horizontal stripes was a good idea.  Everyone smoked and I swear to God, I got light headed at one point from all the hotboxing….yes, you can get hotboxed *outside* at this place!  It was just an awkward situation at best because we didn’t really know the people we were meeting all that well and it just wasn’t our scene.  I’m sorry but if I meet you for the first time and you immediately ask me if you have hair on your back and if so could I get it off?  Yeah, we’re probably not cut from the same non-gross cloth.  It was just an overall weird experience feeling that damned old and also that damned fat.  There’s a reason that I’m not big into the bar and club scene and yanno, I don’t want to feel that insecurity that comes along with being the big girl who walks into a bar of young kids who think they can only love girls with perfect bodies and tight vaginae.  Wait, not that my vagina is loose…oh geez, you know what I mean.

Anyway, sheesh…onto Saturday.  After stopping at a winery in Fairfield,  the three of us (Foo, Mr. Foo and myself) headed up to meet Davey-Joe, Jester and Unkey Monkey in the Haight.  I think there was some level of miscommunication about where they were versus where we were because uh, we parked wayyyy down in Lower Haight whereas they were way up in other part of the neighborhood.  As a matter of fact, we walked almost a mile to find them, uphill…in high heeled boots.  Needless to say, I wasn’t thrilled about the walk yet at the end of the day, I was totally proud that I was able to do it without passing out all over the streets of San Francisco!  Anyway, the boys were standing on a street corner when we walked up and apparently they didn’t even know who I was until I got really close and then ding ding, they figured it out!  I’m pretty sure they were happy to see me and yay, we had pulled off the surprise!  I have to tell you, there is nothing better than hanging out in the city, drinking mad crazy expensive hot cocoa with friends whom you love.  We had a good time being silly until we all piled into Jester’s car so he could drive me way back down to mine (what a sweetie).  It was then time to drive to the actual Dave Francisco event!

Our reservations were at a restaurant called Joey and Eddie’s in North Beach, however since we arrived early, we headed down the block to a place named Lou’s for drinks.  Holy heckballs, that Lou sure knew how to pour a strong drink!  Dave, Mr. Foo and I all had Long Island Iced Teas and we agreed that they somehow managed to make an drink with several different boozes even stronger than it should normally be.  Needless to say, half of us were tipsy (okay a wee bit toasted) when we arrived at the restaurant for dinner.

It was, as always, a really great dinner…the food was excellent, the company was more than excellent and the laughter was overflowing and making a mess of any dour person’s evil plans!  We had the best time just being ourselves and can you really ever ask for anything more?  Oh and, after six months of me torturing the hell out of Dave’s tiara, I finally gave it back to him on Saturday night!

There was a lot of time spent outside talking and uh, trying to fix my car because we’d discovered on the way to SF that my GPS was not working and then discovered in SF that my running lights were burned out.  Geez, annoying much?  Anyway, after we all said our goodbyes, the three of us headed back to Sacramento…uh, with my car being a total pain in our asses.  On the ride home, I totally drunk dialed Vahid, talked to him for awhile then uh, passed out in the backseat of my car, haha.

Sunday was spent driving the long 6 hours home straight into a poker game that Shawn was hosting.  I only played through one buy-in then politely excused myself upstairs for a little relaxation and tv watching.  Uh, I managed to watch one show then passed out really early!  I guess I really was totally exhausted from driving and whatever else!

I just want to say that I am very grateful to FooDiddy for her awesome birthday present!  It means the world to me when I get to travel and see my friends and thanks to her, I got to do so this weekend.  She’s an amazing friend and nyah nyah nyah…she’s mine!  One thing about following her rules though?  I was cut off from the internets pretty much all weekend, which I actually did not mind.  I like taking a break every once in awhile!  However, now that I am back, it is time to catch up on blogs and all that other good stuff.  If you want to see more pictures, my Flickr houses all of the DaveFrancisco pics!

Sleepy Spacey Kisses,
Me

Posted in Blogger Meet-Ups, Dave2, Friendship, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (13)

Stop The World And Melt Me, Sweet Cheeks…

October 16th, 2008

In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t normally talk about sex on my blog.  Most people find religion and politics at the top of their “taboo” lists, but not this freakshow.  Nope, I’d rather bore you with a meme about my cat than become extremely open and honest about who I am as a sexual being.  So why am I writing this post?  Well, first of all, I like to step outside of my comfort bubble now and again, especially when my thoughts feel stale.  Secondly, I’ve been in a contemplative state about women and sex every since Crys and Stephanie made their posts on the same subject.  I’m trying to answer my own question of “why don’t I ever want to bring up my sexuality on my blog?” and so far I am coming up with nothing.

It’s not as if I’m a prudish person.  I’ve had phone sex, chat sex, and more than my share of real live sex.  I’ve had sex with men, sex with women and that one threesome that scarred me for life.  I like dirty talk as long as it’s not lame and cheesy. I’m not afraid to use some of the more colorful words to describe genitalia. I’m adventurous in bed and dare I say a bit kinky?  No no, not hideous kinky or anything fetishist but you know…nasty.  I think that you can be in love with someone and still fuck.  I also think that being in love and actually “making love” is better but you know, sometimes the animals have to come out and play!  I love porn and even though I don’t have a mega-collection or anything, I watch it now and then.  I think that views on porn should be openly discussed and agreed upon in a relationship and also that they can be a fun little tool to spice up the bedroom now and again.  I’m almost 37 years old and am definitely at my sexual peak.  Being at your sexual peak makes you totally fucking horny all of the time.  So yes, that is where I am in my life…in a sexual frenzy.  That being said, I think masturbation is healthy and practice it on a full-time basis.  I’m not embarrassed by the fact that I masturbate and will admit to it freely rather than hide it.  However, I’ve never owned a dildo and would like to try one someday.  I like oral sex - both giving and receiving.  I’ve never done anal because I don’t really like pain with my pleasure.  I’ll have sex with the lights on OR off.  I’ll have sex in places other than my bed.  In fact, I really *did* once get busy in a Burger King bathroom.  I love people who are sexually open and honest, especially when they tell me their dirty little secrets but I also respect people that need to keep it all locked up inside.  Just because I’m a freak on a leash doesn’t mean I don’t get why you’re not.

Maybe there is a small part of me that is still ashamed to put that all out there for the world to see?  Eh, I don’t think so…I mean, I’ve never had a puritanical view on sex in my entire life!  Maybe I’ve read and unsubscribed from way too many blogs because all the authors ever did was talk about sex?  I mean, it gets to be too much.  The most likely answer to this question is that no matter how fast and loose I am with my own sexuality, it is still a very intimate thing.  If we’re sitting in a cafe, annoying the other patrons by talking over our sexual adventures, well that’s one thing.  You’re there, you’ve asked and you really want to be talking about this.  I guess I feel like posting about it here is sort of forcing myself on you in a very boisterous way.  Maybe I’ll make you uncomfortable.  I know I shouldn’t care because this is MY blog but when it comes down to it, I like having some tact.  And even though I’d never want to admit it, maybe there is still a part of me that can hear my grandmother saying that “a nice girl never talks about sex”.  Pshhht, whatever…like my bio says:  I’ve got a dirty mouth but I’m still a nice girl.

And uh, I sure as hell didn’t get any answers at all writing this but hey, at least I wrote about something that makes me uncomfortable so there’s that.  Although, God help me if my father ever finds this blog.  Seriously.

Shyly Turning Away Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Love, Random Schmandom, Sexual Stuff | Comments (29)

Now I Wonder How Whatshername Has Been…

October 14th, 2008

I open a blank blog page and it stares at me, the cursor taunting me as it flashes repeatedly.  Nothing worthwhile has come out of my head and onto the page in five days and yet, it’s a struggle to find something even now.  I could waste paragraphs talking about what a sucky blog friend I have been lately but that all boils down to one sentence:  I open my feed reader, pretend that I’m going to read and comment on every blog, then walk away five minutes later when something shiny distracts me.  I could talk about what I’ve been doing for the last few days but that boils down to many stories about Blizzcon and Disneyland.  For some odd reason, I feel that these tales would be a snooze fest to everyone but me and/or maybe those who were there.  I could talk about how I totally ate carbs all weekend but went immediately back to Phase I of South Beach today, but…yawn yawn yawn.  Ooooh, I could seriously bust out a million things that haunt my heart and head every single day but again with the cryptic?  Even *I* get tired of not being able to talk about the nitty gritty rather than just spewing life on “full disclosure” mode.  Don’t get me wrong…I’ve mastered the cryptic but today, I am so not in the mood for myself.

Here’s the thing..life isn’t all that bad right now.  I’m all about the well-rounded living which means I am spending less time in front of my box and more time doing other things.  And while a few of my plans are probably going to end up as huge non-existent disappointments, I’m not fretting over it.  In fact, I’m chronically “okay” with everything.  I feel all milquetoasty.  A month ago, I was riled up when I read certain blogs or talked to certain people.  “I can’t believe so-and-so is so fucking oblivious”, I’d say.  “Furthermore, can you *believe* that whatshisguts continuously talks to me like I’m not only stupid but more so a dumbshitted adversary!?!?”.   Oh yeah, the little things pissed me off and the big ones hurt my feelings.  What’s scary is that right now, I just don’t give a shit.  I have the most terrifying mental disease in the world…

Apathy.

At least I think that’s what it is.  I’ve just let everything go and now I figure of so-and-so and whathisguts want to act like total douchetwizzlers then let them do so.  It’s not like *I* am even remotely responsible for anyone else’s actions, right?  I’m not having a hard time walking away from people who are completely toxic but the weird thing is that I’m not making a big drama deal out of those moments.  I’m just quietly packing up my toys, throwing them into my beach bag, and driving home with the sunroof open and the music full blast.  Hrm, maybe I’m drowning it all out.  However, maybe I’m just enjoying the pretty music rather than focusing on the screeching of imbeciles.  Who knows?

I do know a few things.  First of all, the good in my life continues to be really good and fills my heart with copious amounts of giggles and love.  Secondly, the bad in my life continues to be bad yet I’m working on making it disappear so…whatever.  And lastly, I need to start paying way more attention to my bloggy friends before I become “whatshername that used to like cupcakes”.  I don’t know if I want to be remembered (or forgotten) that way.

Big Smoochie Lovey Lusty SuperSize Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (25)

Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fruit Pie Fiasco…

October 9th, 2008

For some reason, I am getting a lot of spam lately and Gmail’s just not catching it.  Even worse than that is the outrageous amount of email that makes me scream “stop fucking sending me forwards” as I repeatedly press my delete button.  I mean seriously…if there were 20 people before you that already forwarded this warning about a deadly pancake mix, don’t you think I’d have already heard about it on the news?  And let’s be frank…no matter how many people I forward the Gay Tibetan Monkey Love Ritual to, there is no way in hell that I’ll instantly receive my heart’s deepest desire plus a bucket of good luck.  Hell, I practically *live* in Vegas and if that place can’t bring me the money and the honeys, well…psshhht, your email won’t do me right either.

With that said, I wish someone would have sent me one of those heinous emails, maybe warning me about the effects of eating a Hostess Cherry Fruit Pie after not having had refined sugar (or many other kinds of carbs) for over six weeks.  Where’s that fucking forward when one needs it, huh huh huh?  Erm, or how about the one warning me not to waste my total “sugar snap” on something so devoid of yumminess?  I mean, if I was gonna pour sugar down my gullet, why not wait until it was on something good like tiramisu, gelato or pain chocolat?  Le grand sigh, indeed.

So uh yeah, obviously I fell off the wagon today but seriously?  I don’t feel bad about it at all.  The thing is that I maybe got about 4 hours of sleep last night, if that.  As I was trudging through my morning, trying desperately to keep up my energy so that I could clean the house before out of town guests arrived, my PMS cravings tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “hey, me too”.  It’s like my brain instantly knew what that whisper was and like Templeton, I absconded with one of Shawn’s fruit pies and scurried up the stairs to enjoy it while watching Dirty Sexy Money.  I was sure that I was going to scarf it down in one big swallow, never even tasting the cherry goodness as it passed my lips.  However, two things happened…

1.  I ate the pie rather slowly, actually enjoying every little bit of it.  It seemed to be a huge amount of sugar on my tongue.
2.  That being said, I only ate about 3/4 of the pie because uh….wow, sweet much?

As soon as I was done (and I mean almost immediately), my stomach began to churn and the agida rose in my throat. Ooooh, I forgot how much crap food can give one the reflux! I thought about how the pie experience made me feel overall as I also wondered if I would let this slip-up give me an excuse to pig out for the whole day, week, month….eventually gaining all 26 pounds that I have lost. As I started the second stage of food guilt processing, I realized that I really had none. So fucking what? I ate a Hostess Fruit Pie. Big whoop. Isn’t having a healthy lifestyle supposed to be about eating really well pretty much all of the time and enjoying a treat now and again? Shouldn’t I be proud of the fact that when we went to lunch at Claim Jumper a few hours later, I had a little tri tip and a garden salad rather than pigging out there too?

Maybe I’m finally growing up but uh….being hard on myself never got me anywhere in the past.  If I am unable to forgive stupid little things like fruit pies, how can I have a healthy outlook on food and my body in general?  Right, I can’t.  It’s everything else that happened today and of that, I am proud.

After all, it’s just a fucking fruit pie.  It’s not that important.  Well, yanno…if you don’t count the whole blog post I just made about it.

Finger Licking Good Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Health and Wellness, Hilly's Life 2008 | Comments (26)

Video Post: On Elections And Birthdays…

October 7th, 2008

You Tube Recording Is Ass Kisses,
Me

Posted in Election, Hilly's Life 2008, My Birthday, Video Posts | Comments (21)

Hilly’s Happy New Hairdo…

October 6th, 2008

For those of you not jacked in to my Twitter and Flickr (and really, why should you be?), I finally gots mah hair did today!  I went from having hair that was down to my shoulder blades that looked skanky, dry and sported enough split ends to make Frederic Fekkai weep to having a short, layered hairdo which now shines and looks totally  healthy!  Wanna see?  Well let me show you!

The greatest thing about finally getting rid of all of that hair isn’t just that I look cute…nay nay! For the first time in months, I feel sexy and sassy. I honestly want to go out and be cute rather than hide my hair under a hat, desperately hoping that no one recognizes me. These little things that we do for ourselves? Infinitely important. I keep forgetting that…


Bumble & Bumble Honey Infused Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Vanity | Comments (53)

I Bet You Think This Song Is About You…

October 2nd, 2008

It’s that time of year again…or rather, this time it’s been almost 18 freaking months since I’ve started growing out my hair. Her’s the thing…my hair does not do well with a lot of length no matter how much I take care of it. As you can see from Exhibit A (aka “hot mess”), my hair just looks all crazy. Granted, that is the absolute worst picture of me that I could find but yanno. Seriously though, I took that picture in August, so my hair is a little longer and a lot more “meh”. What the hell does that have to do with you? We’re playing the vanity game here at Snackie’s World because I’m off to get a new “do” on Saturday!

Please cast your vote for the hairstyle you like best. I realize that they are all pretty much the same-ish but uh, little details matter. Longer, shorter, more layers, less layers. Ah yes, five minutes after watching a Vice Presidential Debate and all I can talk about is my hair! Pffft, whatever!  Also, if you want to see what my face looks like when I am way less tardy, go check out my Flickr (but really, they are almost all tardy).

I thank you so so so very much for your input! You are rockin’ like Dokken! Yeah, I did just say that…*hangs head in shame*.

Sitting Here With A Placenta Mask On My Hair Kisses.
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Polls, Vanity | Comments (47)

Here We Go Again…

September 23rd, 2008

There are days when I dream of packing it all in…closing up my blog, my Twitter account, my Facebook, uninstalling my feed reader and then living life with minimal time spent on the Wide Wide World of Web.  I’d then pack up my car and move to a small town…somewhere that has a change of seasons and where everyone would know my name.  I’d get a quiet job in a small office or open my own bakery/cafe.  I’d live a healthy lifestyle, become an active member of my community, maybe even have a kid or two.  That’s right…I’d be too busy to care about the net…no checking my Twitter every hour, no logging in to play Scrabble on Facebook every day, no feed reader with 300 unread items, and definitely not a blog where my honesty gets turned back against me more often than not.  I’d check in with friends through email, spending more time on a few rather than less time on many.  There’d be fun things like winter carnivals and hot coca by the fireplace as it actually snows outside.  I’d have found peace and quiet through unplugging and definitely paring down my life so that it is less about “surviving” and more about “living”.

I’m not naive…I know that wherever I go, there I am.  It’s not like I can instantly turn off that need to be connected to people and to feel a “part of”.  But a part of what exactly?  I’ve told myself, since we moved to Southern California five years ago, that I’d make friends locally.  I promised myself there would be tons of outings for coffee, drinks, art shows, and whatever else came my way.  When that didn’t happen, I comforted myself with the fact that I had cultivated the most wonderful online relationships.  Unfortunately, instead of continuing to try to find a place where I belong here, I just continued to dive deeper into the net world where I didn’t have to search.  I’m not saying that there’s a huge difference to me between online friends and real friends…in fact, most people move out of that bubble and into my heart, mixing the two.  I’m just saying that I wish I had more locally.  I know, join a club, go to church, volunteer…blah blah.  The truth of the matter is that I could yet I’ve not done so.

Maybe I’m just holding out for the day that I actually get to leave this place that I’ve disliked for the last five years.  Waiting is no good for me but today, I just want pretend that my fantasy will come true…picture myself in an older house with character, sipping apple cider on my porch swing, talking with neighbors…or yanno, anything else that resembles a total International Coffee moment.  Geez, maybe I just need to take a break from the net for awhile.  I wish I could say that with certainty…but the truth is, no matter how much I’d love to just “unplug”, my friendships *are* here and I’d not know how to live without them.

Still Confused By Last Night’s Heroes Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (35)

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right…

September 19th, 2008

It’s taken me a long time to figure out that not everyone needs to know everything about me.  I used to be the world’s biggest open book to anyone who was willing to read it.  Time was that a person wouldn’t even have to ask me a question about myself to get all of my nitty gritty delivered at warp speed.  Right, I know…some of you are raising your eyebrows right now because you feel that I share a lot more than you ever would, but let’s look at that, shall we?  I over share my feelings and emotions, waxing prosaic and weaving those thoughts into a pretty plaid pattern made of true soul-searching and unnecessary navel-gazing.  However, when it comes to the details of what I’m doing over here in my every day life, y’all get table scraps!

Did I really just say “y’all”?

Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I used to be a total manipulative person who told lies to cover lies to cover lies.  Holy crap, it was hard work too.  I mean, thank GOD I stopped all of that before I got a bit older because I can’t even remember what the hell you and I talked about yesterday, let alone keep multiple levels of stories straight.  To this day, I still try to figure out what made me act that way and I’ve pretty much got it.  I hated my life so much that creating this other world that I controlled simply by dropping a lie or manipulation here or there seemed much better than getting my shit together and facing reality.  I hid every aspect of who I was and more importantly, lied about what I did.  Hell, I have no idea why because uh…it’s not like I was doing anything that exciting.  Oh wait, the drugs…yeah, that was probably it.  Ahem.  From what I hear, sometimes cokeheads lie!  Who knew?

So then, once I stopped all of that drug abuse and had to start facing the reality that was my life, one of the biggest things I knew is that I had to get honest with not only myself but everyone else.  You see, I didn’t get “honesty in moderation” at all.  I thought that maybe if I held details back, that would make me revert into a state of having my pants perpetually on fire and I sure did not want that!  If you’ve ever been to a 12 Step Program, you know the sense of renewal that comes from changing your life, one day at a time or not.  Let’s just say that I went overboard, okay?  Needless to say, I don’t really do “Anything Anonymous” anymore.  It’s just not for me…

Geez, sidetracked much?

A few years ago, once I started listening more than talking and only sharing when I felt the need to, I realized that the prior versions of me had all been a part of my “human pendulum”.  Have I told you all about that theory?  Well, buckle up, cause here we go!  I feel that in life we tend to swing way left then way right in order to correct ourselves.  It’s like someone takes the arm of the pendulum and yanks it all the way to the left (for me, that’s Hilly the Shithead McLiarpants).  However, once they let that arm go, it instinctively swings all the way to the right (for me that’s Hilly the Sharesalot McMouthybroad).  It takes awhile but eventually the pendulum reaches center and you’ve got the perfect you.  This tends to work in any situation, especially for people like me who tend to over correct themselves.  I’ve finally found center though.  Most people know a lot about me but I have some secrets that are buried so deep that no one will ever know them…no one.

Anyway, enough of my ooky spooky…

I’ve got something going on in my life right now that is something I haven’t talked about much (for fear of total failure like usual) and um, that I also need to find center on quickly.  As most of you know, I got really fat last year probably because of my emotional state.  I mean, I went off the deep end and ate stuff that I hadn’t eaten in years like fast food, tubs of licorice and whatever else I could get my paws on just to numb the pain.  Then I visited with FooDiddy and was excited just by her success on the South Beach Diet so I joined up.  I haven’t talked about it much here, only to say that I was on it in the beginning.  I haven’t wanted to report in just in case I failed yet another program.  I am, however, happy to report that as of today (three weeks in), I have lost a total of 18 pounds.  Eighteen freaking pounds are just GONE! This makes me happy.  The pendulum problem stems from the fact that I’ve gone diet nazi, even though I don’t feel like I am depriving myself.  As of yesterday, I was supposed to slowly introduce carbs back into my diet and I just haven’t done that yet.  I’m like that big fat cartoon bear holding on to the tip of a very small tree as it bends and almost breaks.  I need to move forward with the next phase of my diet plan but I’m afraid to fail.  I’m afraid that I won’t lose weight as quickly.  I’m afraid that whatever has been working won’t.  Mostly though, I am afraid of what I will do once allowed to put carbs into my mouth since they are my downfall.

I need to find center and I think admitting it here is the best way to start doing that.

Thanks For Listening Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (28)

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