Archive for the ‘Redefining Hilly’ Category

Here We Go Again…

September 23rd, 2008

There are days when I dream of packing it all in…closing up my blog, my Twitter account, my Facebook, uninstalling my feed reader and then living life with minimal time spent on the Wide Wide World of Web.  I’d then pack up my car and move to a small town…somewhere that has a change of seasons and where everyone would know my name.  I’d get a quiet job in a small office or open my own bakery/cafe.  I’d live a healthy lifestyle, become an active member of my community, maybe even have a kid or two.  That’s right…I’d be too busy to care about the net…no checking my Twitter every hour, no logging in to play Scrabble on Facebook every day, no feed reader with 300 unread items, and definitely not a blog where my honesty gets turned back against me more often than not.  I’d check in with friends through email, spending more time on a few rather than less time on many.  There’d be fun things like winter carnivals and hot coca by the fireplace as it actually snows outside.  I’d have found peace and quiet through unplugging and definitely paring down my life so that it is less about “surviving” and more about “living”.

I’m not naive…I know that wherever I go, there I am.  It’s not like I can instantly turn off that need to be connected to people and to feel a “part of”.  But a part of what exactly?  I’ve told myself, since we moved to Southern California five years ago, that I’d make friends locally.  I promised myself there would be tons of outings for coffee, drinks, art shows, and whatever else came my way.  When that didn’t happen, I comforted myself with the fact that I had cultivated the most wonderful online relationships.  Unfortunately, instead of continuing to try to find a place where I belong here, I just continued to dive deeper into the net world where I didn’t have to search.  I’m not saying that there’s a huge difference to me between online friends and real friends…in fact, most people move out of that bubble and into my heart, mixing the two.  I’m just saying that I wish I had more locally.  I know, join a club, go to church, volunteer…blah blah.  The truth of the matter is that I could yet I’ve not done so.

Maybe I’m just holding out for the day that I actually get to leave this place that I’ve disliked for the last five years.  Waiting is no good for me but today, I just want pretend that my fantasy will come true…picture myself in an older house with character, sipping apple cider on my porch swing, talking with neighbors…or yanno, anything else that resembles a total International Coffee moment.  Geez, maybe I just need to take a break from the net for awhile.  I wish I could say that with certainty…but the truth is, no matter how much I’d love to just “unplug”, my friendships *are* here and I’d not know how to live without them.

Still Confused By Last Night’s Heroes Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (35)

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right…

September 19th, 2008

It’s taken me a long time to figure out that not everyone needs to know everything about me.  I used to be the world’s biggest open book to anyone who was willing to read it.  Time was that a person wouldn’t even have to ask me a question about myself to get all of my nitty gritty delivered at warp speed.  Right, I know…some of you are raising your eyebrows right now because you feel that I share a lot more than you ever would, but let’s look at that, shall we?  I over share my feelings and emotions, waxing prosaic and weaving those thoughts into a pretty plaid pattern made of true soul-searching and unnecessary navel-gazing.  However, when it comes to the details of what I’m doing over here in my every day life, y’all get table scraps!

Did I really just say “y’all”?

Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I used to be a total manipulative person who told lies to cover lies to cover lies.  Holy crap, it was hard work too.  I mean, thank GOD I stopped all of that before I got a bit older because I can’t even remember what the hell you and I talked about yesterday, let alone keep multiple levels of stories straight.  To this day, I still try to figure out what made me act that way and I’ve pretty much got it.  I hated my life so much that creating this other world that I controlled simply by dropping a lie or manipulation here or there seemed much better than getting my shit together and facing reality.  I hid every aspect of who I was and more importantly, lied about what I did.  Hell, I have no idea why because uh…it’s not like I was doing anything that exciting.  Oh wait, the drugs…yeah, that was probably it.  Ahem.  From what I hear, sometimes cokeheads lie!  Who knew?

So then, once I stopped all of that drug abuse and had to start facing the reality that was my life, one of the biggest things I knew is that I had to get honest with not only myself but everyone else.  You see, I didn’t get “honesty in moderation” at all.  I thought that maybe if I held details back, that would make me revert into a state of having my pants perpetually on fire and I sure did not want that!  If you’ve ever been to a 12 Step Program, you know the sense of renewal that comes from changing your life, one day at a time or not.  Let’s just say that I went overboard, okay?  Needless to say, I don’t really do “Anything Anonymous” anymore.  It’s just not for me…

Geez, sidetracked much?

A few years ago, once I started listening more than talking and only sharing when I felt the need to, I realized that the prior versions of me had all been a part of my “human pendulum”.  Have I told you all about that theory?  Well, buckle up, cause here we go!  I feel that in life we tend to swing way left then way right in order to correct ourselves.  It’s like someone takes the arm of the pendulum and yanks it all the way to the left (for me, that’s Hilly the Shithead McLiarpants).  However, once they let that arm go, it instinctively swings all the way to the right (for me that’s Hilly the Sharesalot McMouthybroad).  It takes awhile but eventually the pendulum reaches center and you’ve got the perfect you.  This tends to work in any situation, especially for people like me who tend to over correct themselves.  I’ve finally found center though.  Most people know a lot about me but I have some secrets that are buried so deep that no one will ever know them…no one.

Anyway, enough of my ooky spooky…

I’ve got something going on in my life right now that is something I haven’t talked about much (for fear of total failure like usual) and um, that I also need to find center on quickly.  As most of you know, I got really fat last year probably because of my emotional state.  I mean, I went off the deep end and ate stuff that I hadn’t eaten in years like fast food, tubs of licorice and whatever else I could get my paws on just to numb the pain.  Then I visited with FooDiddy and was excited just by her success on the South Beach Diet so I joined up.  I haven’t talked about it much here, only to say that I was on it in the beginning.  I haven’t wanted to report in just in case I failed yet another program.  I am, however, happy to report that as of today (three weeks in), I have lost a total of 18 pounds.  Eighteen freaking pounds are just GONE! This makes me happy.  The pendulum problem stems from the fact that I’ve gone diet nazi, even though I don’t feel like I am depriving myself.  As of yesterday, I was supposed to slowly introduce carbs back into my diet and I just haven’t done that yet.  I’m like that big fat cartoon bear holding on to the tip of a very small tree as it bends and almost breaks.  I need to move forward with the next phase of my diet plan but I’m afraid to fail.  I’m afraid that I won’t lose weight as quickly.  I’m afraid that whatever has been working won’t.  Mostly though, I am afraid of what I will do once allowed to put carbs into my mouth since they are my downfall.

I need to find center and I think admitting it here is the best way to start doing that.

Thanks For Listening Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (28)

Love, Peace, And Grease…

September 10th, 2008

Yesterday I went scouring Facebook for people that I used to know but have lost touch with recently. No no, I didn’t stalk the people who I probably shouldn’t look up anyway…these were all good people. One of them is an ex-boyfriend of mine who I have always thought was a really great guy, and after finding him on Facebook, I sent him a little email. Here was his response:

“i’m good, still engaged and still in [censored], workin for [censored].  hows it goin’ in hilly land?   even though you post a lot on snackiepoo.com, you don’t really talk about yourself a whole lot =P”

My first thought was, “Wait, he reads my blog?  Awesome!”.  My second thought was that he is completely right about me not really talking much about myself or the aspects of my every day life.  I mean, sure…I talk about my feelings and views alot but when it comes to the every day ebb and flow of what I do and where I go, you guys get bupkus.  I have many reasons for that, including the fact that I often don’t feel like I can exactly put all of the details of my life up here.  I may be  honest and open about my feelings but I have a lot of private and personal things that go on behind that scenes and you know what?  I’m okay with that.  However, if I have to be honest with myself, I think that the main reason I don’t talk about the day-to-day is that it would really bore the shit out of everyone.

Seriously.  My life?  Not that fucking exciting.

I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing because after the last year, I could use time to pass by without grand epic events that devastate me and/or rock my little world.  Honestly, if you knew the every day ins and outs of my life…you’d be snoring!  I don’t expect you to just *believe* me cause you are bloggers and half of you are cynical at that.  So yeah, here’s a day in the life:

1.  Wake up without an alarm clock.  Yep, I wake up with the sun.  I’ll soon be screwed when winter comes but for now, it’s a helluva lot nicer to just wake up without the blare of pure evil.
2. Get ready for work. Big decisions made here are: hair up or down, full makeup or half makeup, and which way I’ll be eating my eggs that I eat every. single. day.
3. Go to work. Sit in meetings. Play online. Count the hours til I can go home. However, when you see what happens next, you’ll wonder why I count.
4. Go home. Have my daily phone call with a friend.
5. Work out. Okay, let’s face it…this is not a DAILY thing.
6. Errands….oooh, excitement! Dry cleaning, groceries, blah blah blah.
Snoooze….oh ahem, sorry. I fell asleep and this is MY blog.
7. Make dinner. This actually takes a lot more work than it used to now that I am on South Beach. I actually have to like prepare shit, chop things, season here and there. Life was even more boring when I just stuck a box in the micro!
8. Play online.
9. Watch TV.
10. Blog about TV.
11. Go to bed.

Sure, you throw a few tosses at Twitter in there, maybe a blog entry or two, and sometimes even meeting a friend for lunch or dinner but quite honestly my life is lather, rinse, repeat.  This is why I talk about how I feel and/or share the thoughts that just run amok in the middle of my head.  I think I’m having a cerebral phase right now.  Yes, that’s how we shall market this.

My moments of exuberance seem to stem from the big things in life.  I’m the kind of person who very much needs the next “big event” to look forward to.  I know it’s no way to live…I should be in the “here and now” and just be glad for every little moment that I get.  Partially I am but geez, I’m not that fucking zen.  I need to know there is more out there, something in the distant future which will brighten up my life.  It seems silly to think that “big event” can have that much pull yet at the same time, recent ones have proven to change my life in very significant ways, so uh yeah.

Hey, maybe the “big events” are where I meet people that change my life and/or make huge life-altering decisions to change this or that.
Maybe the “day to day” is where I implement those changes.
Who knows? Who cares?

Back To Waxing Prosaic Tomorrow Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (17)

It Could Swallow Her Whole Star Intact…

September 1st, 2008

I try really hard to live my life as this bright shining star.  Even when the chips are down and I feel as if my whole world is collapsing, I like to find that silver lining and find a way to turn that misery into something that one day will become positive.  It’s not as if I have this crazy psychotic need to *not* allow myself negative emotions of any variation; I think I’ve displayed that time and time again.  It’s just that, well…this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.  I think it has something to do with the fact that even though I often come across as snarky or jaded, I’m actually a little bit of a Pollyanna based optimist who thrives on the hope of a better day.  A better moment.  A better me.

The one area where I fail greatly at this is letting other people have too much power over me and subsequently, my emotions.  I’m not going to sit here and whine like a baby when I tell you that when certain people hurt me, it cuts so deep that I have no idea what to feel.  This weekend I’ve gone between confusion, anger and being extremely hurt but I’ve not said a thing to the person who is making me feel this way.  Did you catch that? I just did it.  Apparently, someone is making me feel this way and I’m not taking the responsibility needed to stop that from happening.  People don’t have power over us…we let them.

It’s so hard for me to find the fine line between caring about someone so much versus letting their actions or non-actions affect every little part of my soul, so much so that I cry for an hour wondering what the hell I did wrong.  Chances are, that in many cases, it’s not me…it’s them.  I’ve never really recognized this codependency issue inside of me until now.  Funny thing is, a good friend of mine who I won’t link in case he doesn’t want himself exposed, pointed this out to me about a month ago.  I think that I ignored him because I didn’t want to fix yet one more thing about myself.

I’ve come to a very fast conclusion that the last year of my life had left me feeling “less than”…maybe because certain situations warranted that emotion, maybe because of the weight I had gained due to those circumstances, or maybe it’s just that I allowed myself more moments of weakness than I had in a very long time.  Whatever the case may be, it needs to stop.  I’ve taken the reigns on my life, taken back my body by doing this whole South Beach/exercise thing and really loving how I feel, taken back my shattered heart and started gluing it back together and most importantly, have decided that I’m worth it.  Wait, wasn’t that a commercial or something?  Ha.

So the thing is…nobody puts Baby in a corner.  And if they do?  Baby needs to get her fat ass *out* of that corner and realize that’s just not where she belongs. Sometimes it is just that simple.

Labor Day Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Redefining Hilly | Comments (24)

That I Would Be Good Even If I Gained Ten Pounds…

August 25th, 2008

I smiled when I heard the announcement over the Southwest Airlines PA System…“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Our flight into Sacramento is on time so as soon as the plane empties out, we’ll begin boarding. Just so you know, there are only about 54 people booked on this flight so it looks as if it will be a comfortable ride!”. That gate agent, who was probably more than thrilled to deliver good news then take our tickets, had no idea just how much he had completely made my day. You see, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not comfortable with my body.

Blah blah blah, lather, rinse, repeat, get over it, repeat, get over it again.

In any case, when you fly as an overweight person there is an added struggle to air travel. One very prevalent issue is that a lot of the time, your average size person does not want to sit next to an overweight person. Hell, I don’t even spill into a second seat like some people do and yet, I am extremely careful not to even touch the person in the seat next to me. I do this by tensing up and squish myself as close to the window as I can go. Sure, I feel all achy in my joints when I finally get up but hey, I’ve saved myself embarrassment, right?. Pshht. The second issue that some people suffer through is the embarrassment of having to get a seat belt extender.  My fat ass worries about that too, quite honestly.

Before anyone rolls his or her eyes, I am not self-deprecating here.  I’m only tackling a subject that not many people are comfortable enough to talk about. So there!

To be completely honest, I’m at that point where I can either squeeze the hell out of my fat ass and fit the seatbelt around me, crushing my little squishy spots OR I can get over it and ask for the damned extender, just to be more comfortable.  Now usually, I just don’t ask and squeeze in nice and tight until I arrive at my destination with red welts across my belly and the deluded notion that I definitely am not that fat.  Oh yes, sometimes that comes with a side of heartburn so bad that I’m dropping Tums into 7up as if it were a awesome new cocktail that I’d just fucking invented.  Quite honestly, it’s pathetic.

While the simple answer to all of this is “lose weight”, it’s not the only answer.  Until the time when I get over myself and decide to not let my emotional crutch be food, I have to start living with the body that I *do* have.  I’m not quite sure exactly where this attitude came from so suddenly on Friday afternoon, but as I found myself entering the plane and asking the steward for a seatbelt extension, I honestly did not give a fuck about who snickered because I needed one.  I didn’t *need* one and yet at the same time, I guess I did.  Anyway, when I asked for the damned thing, I did not whisper.  I did not lower my face, covering it with my hair.  I did not do it with an embarrassed smile.  I just asked for it in my normal voice then said “thank you” with the same kind of smile I’d have given my local barista after he hooked me up with my liquid crack.

I finally owned who I am, not who I am striving to be one day.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have lofty goals and realistic expectations when it comes to getting back in shape.  I know myself well enough to know that food is my addiction just like others use booze or drugs.  When life calms down and my soul is a bit happier (which it is starting to be now, btw) then the food won’t matter as much and the weight will melt away.  Eventually, I’ll figure out how to NOT turn to food the next time I am miserable.  These are all things I know and all things I’m finally starting to really fucking look at with honest eyes.  However, in the meantime, I need to not be ashamed of who I am.

I am overweight.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am funny.
I’m good in bed.
And I am a million other things that have nothing to do with my weight, thanks.

And yet, I let it own me more than I should. I only have glimpses of moments where I feel and act sexy or whatever else.  The tapes constantly play in my head though…asking and wondering who is talking about me or laughing at me.  Uhhh, gee…egotistical much?  I guess I’m just done worrying about it.  Those who love me, love me…and all of me.

I almost think that self-improving by loving myself no matter what is the first step to actually taking off the weight successfully this time.  How can I do something good for my body when I hate it so much?  That’s completely counterproductive and I’m done.  You hear me?  Done.

Love To Love Me, Baby Kisses,
Me

Posted in Health and Wellness, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (45)

An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…

August 21st, 2008

What mask do you wear?   Okay…maybe you don’t ALWAYS wear one and your life is perfect, but if you are a member of the dysfunctional club just like I am, once in awhile you wear a mask, right?   And if you do, what does it cover up?  And more importantly, how does it help you get through otherwise awful situations?

My mask is Wonder Woman.  She’s brave and kicks ass right and left.   Nothing slows her down or scares her because her bracelets shield her from the outside world and forces of evil that want to hurt her.  She doesn’t live in the problem but speeds through to the solution.  She teaches the ideals of peace instead of war, even though sometimes she rages against the machine by busting the liars, users and all bad guys in general.   She drives an invisible jet and hopes thinks that you can’t see her flying around, even though you can.  She’s beautiful AND loving and let’s face it…she looks pretty damned good in a patriotic leotard.

I wear that mask a lot and part of me wonders if it truly is just a mask or if it’s just a small part of who I am?  Maybe a large part?  Even so, now and again, I want to take off my Wonder Woman jammies and be weak enough to let someone else hold me while I cry.   I want to hide behind my hair when I see someone who has hurt me because if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me.   I want to tell you when I am sitting here with hot tears streaming down my cheeks because I fail to know who I am or what I want right now.  I want you to hold my hand while I admit that I am scared almost all of the time.  I want there to NOT be an endless amount of crime-fighting that needs to be done because I feel like I need to save everyone while my own soul deteriorates.  I want answers yet I don’t want to have to pull superheroine moves in order for you to give them to me.

But also?  I’m tired of tears, talks and tiptoeing through the hard questions.  There is only so much sitting and reflecting that one hot ass crime fighting bitch like me can take before she suits back up and gets ready to take on the world, or at least her small part of it.  I’m ready to be in the forefront, going through my life with a diamond studded machete, weeding out the crap then eventually building a new fortress made of “pure awesome”.  I’m ready to stop settling and to start banishing the funk from my life…and yes, by “funk”, I mean people and things that are just not healthy for me anymore.  Wonder Woman wants to get in her invisible hoop ride, bump some Eminem and take care of major business.

Maybe I can be both.  Maybe the mask I wear doesn’t always have to be attached so tightly to my face and hell, maybe I can find a better freaking costume than a roll-showing leotard.  Either way, this is the truth about me…candy coating hard shell with a very melty heart.  I’d like to fool everyone into thinking I’m 100% badass all of the time but let’s be honest here, I’m only badass 89% of the time…*snort*.

So I ask you, do you ever feel like you wear a mask or are painted into some sort of emotional category that you just want to leave behind for a day…maybe longer?  As long as I’m not alone in this, I feel comfortable sharing my deepest psychoses with you all.

Flat Stanley Kisses,
Me

Posted in Curious Hilly, Emotional Technology, Redefining Hilly | Comments (27)

This Little Masochist Is Ready To Confess..

July 9th, 2008

You know what’s really suck-tastic about having extremely good intuition?  The paranoia that comes along with it.  Being able to read people really easily sometimes leads to me seeing things that aren’t there.  I have no idea where that comes from other than the fact that I’ve been hurt so many times in my life that I just want to guard myself before it happens again.  So I try and try and try not to let the paranoia consume me.  I let go of any assumption that someone is feeling or doing exactly what I can sense they are doing then try to remain rational.

It’s just not easy….

I like to speak my mind and ask the hard questions.  I’d rather look like an asshole by broaching a subject that may make someone think I’m crazy rather than sitting there with my heart breaking in a million little confused pieces.  However, lately…I’ve been shutting up and it’s driving me crazy.  Also, for the record, it’s not like my assumptions are totally crazy or anything like that.  I don’t go off half cocked, accusing people of plotting against me and/or finding ways to make me hurt.  Hell, sometimes I even ignore the obvious because I don’t want it to be true.  But generally, deep down in my gut, I’ve got it figured out before you do.

This time, I am not going to let it go.  I just have to get rid of the bowling ball in my stomach and say it.  I’ve got to find the words to express my fear without sounding needy or desperate.  I hate being needy and desperate.  I hate the fact that I hate showing that side of me too.  Still, I can’t expect anything to actually get better within my little heart until I actually just confront some of the people that I need to confront.  I guess I will make Thursday my “balls to the wall” day and just start asking the hard questions.  Partially, I’m more afraid of being right than I am of being wrong.

“Being Such A Girl” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly On A Tangent, Hilly's Insecurities, Redefining Hilly | Comments (42)

Absolutely Barking Stars…

July 8th, 2008

I have no idea why, but lately I’ve been looking at almost everything through very jaded eyes.  No, really…I cannot even tell you how many exasperated sighs and exaggerated eye-rolls have been part of my daily routine during the last few weeks.  I’m not exactly worried that my somewhat dormant *truly snarky* side will take over permanently because this actually happens quite a bit.  Therefore, all I can do is “keep on swimming”, as the animated fish like to say.

But still…it’s time for another reevaluation.  Hrm, is that redundant?  Gah, whatever.  In any case, I’m starting to feel like I need to shed some more skin and find out who I really am now that I’m moving forward with life.  Sometimes I get so irritated with people, citing how much they’ve changed and all that other blah blah blah, when realistically, it’s me who keeps changing.  The funny thing about all of this is that I *know* exactly what’s happening but this time I just don’t like it.  You see, when I am going through these major phases of renovation inside of my own little soul, I tend to get really easily irritated at the antics of others.  I’m not saying that it’s right or fair, just that…well, I start focusing on the small stuff more than I would normally.  Also?  I tend to pull away from people.  I have this tendency to isolate myself and I can totally feel that one coming as I type.

I don’t want to do that this time.
I need my friends. 
I need my family. 
I need to reach out. 

Why pray tell, is that so hard?  It’s got to be that whole thing about breaking negative patterns.  So far in life, I’ve been pretty successful at doing that but uh…not always.  Maybe it’s just about being stubborn?  Maybe it’s just about wanting to seem strong and not show so many of my weaknesses all of the time?  Maybe I’m just tired of figuring it all out?  Maybe maybe maybe maybe…it could be anything. I’m just not getting it right this week but hey…no one gets it all of the time, right?  Oh please tell me that you’re imperfect too?

Anyway, I’m working on it. For me, the first step always involves blogging about it or talking about it to one person who I totally trust. I have to admit things before I can fix them…I’m just silly that way. Good thing I have a long drive ahead of me again today…time to think is always nice. Of course, so is time to talk to my friends (*cough.sputter.cough*).

Driving Ninety Down The Freeway Kisses,
Me 

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Redefining Hilly | Comments (23)

Bring On The Tequila….

July 3rd, 2008

There’s half of me that really feels like she wants to be in a Playtex tampon commercial right now.  You know…the ones where it’s all about good times because they’re doing fun things like swimming and playing volleyball, and the world is perfect for summer fun (as long as you have your tampon in, of course).  So yeah, I love the summer and the whole idea of it too.  Watermelon colored toenails, sucking on popsicles, running through sprinklers, watching my skin turn a bit darker from the sun, feeling exhausted at the end of the day when I can’t breathe and my eyes are burned from all the chlorine in the pool and oh, waiiiit….

Ahem.

One thing that you may or may not know about most voluptuous vixens like myself is that we’re not exactly fond of the sweltering heat.  I mean yeah, who the fuck actually *is*?  However, the thing is…fluffy girls like me spend way too much time worrying about showing our fat arms or whether or not our shorts actually come down *to* the knee, thus covering up any hint of large curd cottage cheese.  While I’d love to be wholly empowered enough to pretend that these things don’t matter to me, my “fuck it” attitude towards mostly everything else just does not extend to this area of my life.  I’m still trying to change all of that, be a better person and turn the other cheek when my fat gives me the “sass mouth”.

Yesterday, I didn’t even have to try that hard.

I decided to go get a some new tops for my trip up to the Bay Area after learning that we’d be spending a lot of time at outdoor festivities.  I reluctantly gathered up 10 tees, tanks and tunics, wondering if any of them would even slightly fit or look good. I fully expected to come out of the dressing room highly pissed off, hating myself, and breaking my cardinal new rule by calling myself a fat ass.  The first shirt I tried on was this sexy empire waist, flowy, draped sleeveless top that we will now refer to as the blue boobie shirt.  Holy crap!  I could not believe how damned sexy this top looked on me, fat arms and all!  ”Hrm, fluke”, I thought.  Then I tried on another shirt, and another and another and when all was said and done, I actually *liked* 8 out of the 10 tops.  Yep, thought I looked great in them.

Pardon me, but will the real Hilly please stand up?

Seriously, you simply cannot imagine the elation I felt when I went and put back all the tops I wasn’t going to buy for financial reasons, not self-loathing reasons.  And yes, I went and put them back instead of handing them to the girl because well…I guess it was sort of empowering in a way.  After paying for the two shirts that I actually could afford to buy, I sashayed out to my car as if the world were a much brighter place and I was almost ready to be the star in my own tampon commercial…*snort*.  I was trying to figure out how the clothing industry had finally “got it” and who I could call to thank them for making sexy plus sized tanks when it dawned on me.

Hey, I like myself!

It doesn’t matter that I am imperfect…at least not today.  There’s no reason to stay home and hide behind my fat when I can be out enjoying all of the little pleasures that life has to offer, even in the fucking hot hot heat.  It’s the summer, bitches…and this is the time to be living, breathing, skipping, and just enjoying life while we can!  This is the time to have fun with friends and tell anyone that looks at my fat arms to fuck off and kiss my voluptuous plumper of an ass if they don’t like what they see.  I’m beautiful and dammit, I am going to start acting like it.  No more self-loathing…at least not today.

On that positive note, I bid you all adieu for the long weekend.  As some of you know, I am trekking up to see Jester and Company in the Bay Area and will be without my laptop..*twitch*.  My plan is to enjoy their company, spread the love and laughter and maybe, just mayyyyybe, drink a little booze.  *Cough*.  I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and remember to love yourselves no matter what.  Ignore your imperfections and just be happy….for me?  Okay, how about for you?

See You In Oz Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (34)

The Heart Can Freeze Or It Can Burn….

June 12th, 2008

Do you ever feel like you have an assigned role within your group of friends?  Sure, we all have many different facets and are gloriously complicated people, but human nature dictates what within most groups of friends there will be the joker, the gossip, the parental one, the wild child, the go-to guy, the helper, blah blah blah.  Yesterday when I was talking to Foo Diddy on the phone, I came to the conclusion that she’s the one people always run to with their emotional crises.  No matter how much more she is than that, it seems to be that when one of her friends is having a relationship crisis, they dial or run to the Foo. 

After I hung up with her, the thought train started leaving the station and the notion of figuring out *my* role became one that I found to be amusing and interesting.  I pretty much already had a good idea what I would discover but in order to be fair, I quickly did a mental scan of all of my groups of friends and came up with one constant and imagine that, it was what I suspected.

I am “The Trapper Keeper”.  What the hell does *that* mean?  Well, I’ll tell you!  It means that I am the one that people run (or walk) to when they need to release their secrets.  The thing is that I have repuation for actually being able to keep secrets and not blab them to every other person I know.  Therefore, people tell me things (secrets) and I lock them in the vault for safe keeping.  It’s like a Trapper Keeper in that each secret is like a special little piece of paper that I file away in one of the pouches so that I always have it, but no one else can ever see it.  Of course, that also means that sometimes the fucking thing gets full….so full that I just want to dump it all in the garbage and never see it again.

When the secrets that I learn are ones that involve hurt and anger, it’s always harder to find a place for those.  On one hand, I love the fact that people trust me enough to come to me with things and feel so honored that they actually trust me and/or want me to help them.  Sometimes though, when everyone is playing confessional all in the same day or week, it drags me down.  No, it’s not because I just have to spill the dish or anything lame like that….it’s because knowing someone’s secrets makes me emotionally connected to that person.  It also makes me involved in their lives so much so that when something goes completely wonky and haywire, I do care.  I do have an opinion.  And you know what?  I’m allowed.

Last night I snapped.  It was one of those rare moments when I was dumping my Trapper Keeper into the garbage bin behind the 7-11.  To be clear, “snapping” never has anything to do with revealing what you’ve trusted me with.  It’s more like me losing my mind, talking about my lost mind a whole lot, then totally throwing my hands in the air.  When I blogged my now redacted post called “Citizen of the Planet”, I did it purely for altruistic reasons, yet after stepping back and realizing that it was becoming something I did not want it to be (i.e. potentially hurtful to someone), I had to take it down.  I still believe that we all get to feel how we feel in life….no one can tell us otherwise.  But, being the great vault of Hilly that I am, I also realize that sometimes it’s important to keep those feelings to ourselves or yanno, run to the person that we trust with our secret feelings.

Oh waiiiiit….. 

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t want you sharing with me, because I do.  Again, I am always honored to be trusted and love knowing things.  While my main thrill is that I can maybe help you solve a problem, I cannot lie….there’s a little voyeur in me too who just likes knowing things.  My ass is nosey by nature.  No, not all of me…just my ass ;).  It’s just that….if I don’t reply to group emails today about a subject that I need to see die, don’t fault me or don’t hate me.  I think walking away from it all is a more healthy way of cleaning out my Trapper Keeper today…and healthy is really what I am looking for in life right now. 

Do you find yourself falling into a role or are you less insane than I am?  I really hope I am not the only freaking crazy person here or I’ll just die!  Okay, not really but yanno….

Clarity Kisses,
Me

Posted in Friendship, Redefining Hilly | Comments (27)

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