Archive for the ‘Redefining Hilly’ Category

Absolutely Barking Stars…

July 8th, 2008

I have no idea why, but lately I’ve been looking at almost everything through very jaded eyes.  No, really…I cannot even tell you how many exasperated sighs and exaggerated eye-rolls have been part of my daily routine during the last few weeks.  I’m not exactly worried that my somewhat dormant *truly snarky* side will take over permanently because this actually happens quite a bit.  Therefore, all I can do is “keep on swimming”, as the animated fish like to say.

But still…it’s time for another reevaluation.  Hrm, is that redundant?  Gah, whatever.  In any case, I’m starting to feel like I need to shed some more skin and find out who I really am now that I’m moving forward with life.  Sometimes I get so irritated with people, citing how much they’ve changed and all that other blah blah blah, when realistically, it’s me who keeps changing.  The funny thing about all of this is that I *know* exactly what’s happening but this time I just don’t like it.  You see, when I am going through these major phases of renovation inside of my own little soul, I tend to get really easily irritated at the antics of others.  I’m not saying that it’s right or fair, just that…well, I start focusing on the small stuff more than I would normally.  Also?  I tend to pull away from people.  I have this tendency to isolate myself and I can totally feel that one coming as I type.

I don’t want to do that this time.
I need my friends. 
I need my family. 
I need to reach out. 

Why pray tell, is that so hard?  It’s got to be that whole thing about breaking negative patterns.  So far in life, I’ve been pretty successful at doing that but uh…not always.  Maybe it’s just about being stubborn?  Maybe it’s just about wanting to seem strong and not show so many of my weaknesses all of the time?  Maybe I’m just tired of figuring it all out?  Maybe maybe maybe maybe…it could be anything. I’m just not getting it right this week but hey…no one gets it all of the time, right?  Oh please tell me that you’re imperfect too?

Anyway, I’m working on it. For me, the first step always involves blogging about it or talking about it to one person who I totally trust. I have to admit things before I can fix them…I’m just silly that way. Good thing I have a long drive ahead of me again today…time to think is always nice. Of course, so is time to talk to my friends (*cough.sputter.cough*).

Driving Ninety Down The Freeway Kisses,
Me 

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Redefining Hilly | Comments (23)

Bring On The Tequila….

July 3rd, 2008

There’s half of me that really feels like she wants to be in a Playtex tampon commercial right now.  You know…the ones where it’s all about good times because they’re doing fun things like swimming and playing volleyball, and the world is perfect for summer fun (as long as you have your tampon in, of course).  So yeah, I love the summer and the whole idea of it too.  Watermelon colored toenails, sucking on popsicles, running through sprinklers, watching my skin turn a bit darker from the sun, feeling exhausted at the end of the day when I can’t breathe and my eyes are burned from all the chlorine in the pool and oh, waiiiit….

Ahem.

One thing that you may or may not know about most voluptuous vixens like myself is that we’re not exactly fond of the sweltering heat.  I mean yeah, who the fuck actually *is*?  However, the thing is…fluffy girls like me spend way too much time worrying about showing our fat arms or whether or not our shorts actually come down *to* the knee, thus covering up any hint of large curd cottage cheese.  While I’d love to be wholly empowered enough to pretend that these things don’t matter to me, my “fuck it” attitude towards mostly everything else just does not extend to this area of my life.  I’m still trying to change all of that, be a better person and turn the other cheek when my fat gives me the “sass mouth”.

Yesterday, I didn’t even have to try that hard.

I decided to go get a some new tops for my trip up to the Bay Area after learning that we’d be spending a lot of time at outdoor festivities.  I reluctantly gathered up 10 tees, tanks and tunics, wondering if any of them would even slightly fit or look good. I fully expected to come out of the dressing room highly pissed off, hating myself, and breaking my cardinal new rule by calling myself a fat ass.  The first shirt I tried on was this sexy empire waist, flowy, draped sleeveless top that we will now refer to as the blue boobie shirt.  Holy crap!  I could not believe how damned sexy this top looked on me, fat arms and all!  ”Hrm, fluke”, I thought.  Then I tried on another shirt, and another and another and when all was said and done, I actually *liked* 8 out of the 10 tops.  Yep, thought I looked great in them.

Pardon me, but will the real Hilly please stand up?

Seriously, you simply cannot imagine the elation I felt when I went and put back all the tops I wasn’t going to buy for financial reasons, not self-loathing reasons.  And yes, I went and put them back instead of handing them to the girl because well…I guess it was sort of empowering in a way.  After paying for the two shirts that I actually could afford to buy, I sashayed out to my car as if the world were a much brighter place and I was almost ready to be the star in my own tampon commercial…*snort*.  I was trying to figure out how the clothing industry had finally “got it” and who I could call to thank them for making sexy plus sized tanks when it dawned on me.

Hey, I like myself!

It doesn’t matter that I am imperfect…at least not today.  There’s no reason to stay home and hide behind my fat when I can be out enjoying all of the little pleasures that life has to offer, even in the fucking hot hot heat.  It’s the summer, bitches…and this is the time to be living, breathing, skipping, and just enjoying life while we can!  This is the time to have fun with friends and tell anyone that looks at my fat arms to fuck off and kiss my voluptuous plumper of an ass if they don’t like what they see.  I’m beautiful and dammit, I am going to start acting like it.  No more self-loathing…at least not today.

On that positive note, I bid you all adieu for the long weekend.  As some of you know, I am trekking up to see Jester and Company in the Bay Area and will be without my laptop..*twitch*.  My plan is to enjoy their company, spread the love and laughter and maybe, just mayyyyybe, drink a little booze.  *Cough*.  I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and remember to love yourselves no matter what.  Ignore your imperfections and just be happy….for me?  Okay, how about for you?

See You In Oz Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (34)

The Heart Can Freeze Or It Can Burn….

June 12th, 2008

Do you ever feel like you have an assigned role within your group of friends?  Sure, we all have many different facets and are gloriously complicated people, but human nature dictates what within most groups of friends there will be the joker, the gossip, the parental one, the wild child, the go-to guy, the helper, blah blah blah.  Yesterday when I was talking to Foo Diddy on the phone, I came to the conclusion that she’s the one people always run to with their emotional crises.  No matter how much more she is than that, it seems to be that when one of her friends is having a relationship crisis, they dial or run to the Foo. 

After I hung up with her, the thought train started leaving the station and the notion of figuring out *my* role became one that I found to be amusing and interesting.  I pretty much already had a good idea what I would discover but in order to be fair, I quickly did a mental scan of all of my groups of friends and came up with one constant and imagine that, it was what I suspected.

I am “The Trapper Keeper”.  What the hell does *that* mean?  Well, I’ll tell you!  It means that I am the one that people run (or walk) to when they need to release their secrets.  The thing is that I have repuation for actually being able to keep secrets and not blab them to every other person I know.  Therefore, people tell me things (secrets) and I lock them in the vault for safe keeping.  It’s like a Trapper Keeper in that each secret is like a special little piece of paper that I file away in one of the pouches so that I always have it, but no one else can ever see it.  Of course, that also means that sometimes the fucking thing gets full….so full that I just want to dump it all in the garbage and never see it again.

When the secrets that I learn are ones that involve hurt and anger, it’s always harder to find a place for those.  On one hand, I love the fact that people trust me enough to come to me with things and feel so honored that they actually trust me and/or want me to help them.  Sometimes though, when everyone is playing confessional all in the same day or week, it drags me down.  No, it’s not because I just have to spill the dish or anything lame like that….it’s because knowing someone’s secrets makes me emotionally connected to that person.  It also makes me involved in their lives so much so that when something goes completely wonky and haywire, I do care.  I do have an opinion.  And you know what?  I’m allowed.

Last night I snapped.  It was one of those rare moments when I was dumping my Trapper Keeper into the garbage bin behind the 7-11.  To be clear, “snapping” never has anything to do with revealing what you’ve trusted me with.  It’s more like me losing my mind, talking about my lost mind a whole lot, then totally throwing my hands in the air.  When I blogged my now redacted post called “Citizen of the Planet”, I did it purely for altruistic reasons, yet after stepping back and realizing that it was becoming something I did not want it to be (i.e. potentially hurtful to someone), I had to take it down.  I still believe that we all get to feel how we feel in life….no one can tell us otherwise.  But, being the great vault of Hilly that I am, I also realize that sometimes it’s important to keep those feelings to ourselves or yanno, run to the person that we trust with our secret feelings.

Oh waiiiiit….. 

I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t want you sharing with me, because I do.  Again, I am always honored to be trusted and love knowing things.  While my main thrill is that I can maybe help you solve a problem, I cannot lie….there’s a little voyeur in me too who just likes knowing things.  My ass is nosey by nature.  No, not all of me…just my ass ;).  It’s just that….if I don’t reply to group emails today about a subject that I need to see die, don’t fault me or don’t hate me.  I think walking away from it all is a more healthy way of cleaning out my Trapper Keeper today…and healthy is really what I am looking for in life right now. 

Do you find yourself falling into a role or are you less insane than I am?  I really hope I am not the only freaking crazy person here or I’ll just die!  Okay, not really but yanno….

Clarity Kisses,
Me

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Returning To Blog Life, Peace by Peace….

April 7th, 2008

When I quickly slapped a peace sign up on Saturday, I had no intention of it becoming the SnackiePeace Movement.  However, thanks mostly to Dave, the movement was born and it has been a delightful treat to see people across the blogosphere pimping their awesome peace signs.  If you missed the post on Saturday and/or have no idea what I’m talking about, go here.  I’ll wait….

So, here’s the thing…. that peace sign, that post, and the thoughts that flow just below the surface of it all are not about one person or one situation.  It’s more my way of saying that we all need to calm the fuck down for a moment and embrace the good things in life.  Being angry at the world or at people that probably deserve it?  Well, that’s easy.  However, it takes a real strength of character to walk away and refuse to play people’s games.  The reality of a situation like that is that you will never win….not for yourself, anyway.  We’re so conditioned to NOT put our fingers in our ears and sing "la-la-la-la" that we forget that sometimes it is actually okay to do so! 

We’ve all been around and we’ve all seen things that we wish we hadn’t.  Whether it be highly unnecessary blog drama, personal drama, relationship drama or anything else that is downright hateful and hurtful, it’s always hard to give peace a chance.  My problem is that I’ve got a superhero complex and turn into Captain Save-A-Friend more often than not.  I used to be able to justify my behavior regarding getting involved in dramatic situations because "I was doing it for a good cause".  It’s funny to look back at the lies I’ve told myself so that I would feel like a better person all around.  It’s a challenge to step back, throw your peace sign in the air, and stop defending people who either need to defend themselves or just walk away as well.

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Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly, SnackiePeace Movement | Comments (29)

Cardboard Masks Of All The People I’ve Been….

March 20th, 2008

There’s that brief, perfect moment every morning when I just wake up.  I sink a little deeper into my down comforter and turn into my pillow while my cat rubs his little nose against my face.  It’s probably the best moment of my day.  That is….until around midnight when my Trazodone kicks in and I fall asleep enveloped in that same comforter while listening to the sounds of either Homer Simpson or something older, in the black and white variety.  Sadly, the moments when I feel like I can just be myself and finally find some peace all revolve around my bed and not in any kind of fun way whatsoever, thanks.

I wrote a post two years ago about masks and how we go through life wearing different ones.  In that particular entry, the comments that stunned me the most were the ones where people swore up and down that they never wear masks and are always capable of being 100% themselves.  Truth be told, I don’t become as cynical as one would think when I hear something like that.  More so, I pause, incapable of believing such wondrous moments exist!  I mean….shit the bed!  Someone in this world never has to wear a mask (or has never had to)?  Sign me up!

Right now, I’m totally Scarlett O’Hara.  As a matter of fact, I’m not just wearing her mask but am also wearing the full blown costume, bitches!  I keep sweeping all of the "icky stuff" under the rug and convincing myself that I will deal with it tomorrow.  Let me give you a tip….when you live like that, tomorrow never comes.  Well, at least not for me.  I have no idea how many tomorrows I’ve seen and yet, I still haven’t dealt with the most base problems because truth be told, I have no solution….none.  I am sick and fucking tired of being all innovative and making my square issues fit into a round bin by scrunching them down so that they mean less than they should.  I’m tired of finding every solution under the sun in the hope that it will work when I really know what I should do.  It’s almost like when you are craving chocolate chip cookies, right?  Yet because you are trying to NOT eat the cookies, you eat everything else in the house?  Yeah, that.

Anyway, back to me, Ms. O’Hara and our thousand tomorrows.  I’m starting to feel like that "Where Does Depression Hurt?" commercial because living like this serves no purpose except to make me a stagnant piece of shit really.  There is so much of life to be lived and loved and maybe I could start doing so if I’d just take off this fugly ass "curtain" dress and face the music. Today I finally took one tiny step towards breaking the cycle and I hope that
tomorrow I take one more then another and another and so on.  Hrm,
maybe some time away from the internets is called for.  It’s rather hard to look inside
of myself with all of these shiny distractions around me.

I swear to God though…if I am talking about the same cryptic subject next year at this time, I give you permission to shoot me.  Seriously, my analogies are getting old. 

Frankly My Kisses, I Don’t Give A Damn.
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Redefining Hilly | Comments (29)

Free Your Mind And The Rest Will Follow….

February 21st, 2008

A couple of weeks ago I made a post detailing why it is much better for me to think with my heart rather than my head.  So after letting that simmer around for a little bit, I made the much needed decision…heart for the win!  Great.  Fantastic.  All should have been well.

But uh, not so much.  There’s this thing that happens when we become adults…we start to question ourselves and lose ourselves because we’re very busy doing the right thing.  I’m not here to make a blanket statement that doing the right thing is indeed wrong.  What I am here to say is this:  if you are a person who instinctively follows that little twitch in your gut, stay with that!

Someone once commented on using their gut instead of either the head or heart.  I have to say that I use mine in direct correlation with those two.  But here’s the thing…I turned it off for a bit and was just not listening to it.  I wanted to get over myself and push past discomfort levels.  I wanted to be more "mature" and pretend that nothing was nagging at me because I realize that everything and everyone has "quirks".  My gut kept telling me that a very cryptic something wasn’t going to work no matter how much I wanted it to.  No matter how hard I dug my heels in with firm resolve, my inner workings were not going to change all that much on the subject at hand.

Sometimes things just don’t fit.  It’s not always the other person or situation either; I’m not here to play a blame game.  People are the way they are and you have a choice to bend and conform to their will, even though it really nags away at you every day OR you can choose to follow your gut and say, "You know, this just isn’t working for me".  I’d rather everyone did that rather than lied about it, getting filled up on ulcers and resentment.

Today I am going with my gut.  I may live to regret it later for a moment or maybe two.  However in the end, when you make a decision then immediately breathe out and feel the weight of that decision completely leave your body, it’s a good thing.  Ironically, going with my gut has brought immediate backlash as I am typing this but all in all, I have a better understanding of a lot of things now.

Yes, this is cryptic.  Yes, I have good reason which I may explain at a later date.  No, this is not about my marriage.

Crystal Clear Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Redefining Hilly | Comments (28)

Calling For My Soul At The Corners Of The World….

January 21st, 2008

Most people that I know seem to have an active fantasy life.  In fact most of *those* people have another life picked out for themselves which I would equate less with the "Sliding Doors" principal and more with the "fork in the road" theory.  In my mind, the difference between those two is what could have been had we turned right instead of left and what could be if we’re once again faced with that fork in the road.  Do you pick the safe route or the road less traveled?  In reality, most of us pick the safe route but what would happen, if just for once, you picked the "wrong" side of the fork and got to do exactly what you wanted….what would that entail?

I‘ve always had this gypsy side of me, which I have mentioned before.  In another version of my life along that road less traveled, there would be much, uh…traveling (or "adventuring" as Dave so eloquently put it).  I’ve always wanted to have enough money to travel the globe, from place to place, maybe picking up odd jobs here and there, staying with friends, renting a house for a month or two, diving into local custom and culture with reckless abandon until it was time to move on and do it all over again somewhere else.  It would be an awesome dream of mine to be so free as to go where the wind takes me and live life as if it really was an adventure.  Earlier this morning, I was having trouble reconciling how I would deal with the fact that I’m a woman who loves the love with the fact that this gypsy wandering business would not exactly be conducive to relationship stability.  Later on, I came up with two options.  One of course being finding someone who would want to share that lifestyle with you (obviously this is a premiere choice).  The second would involve realizing that love is something that you can find more than once, then treating romantic flings as something to be cherished rather than fearing their inevitable ending.

I‘m not sure if I could do that though….maybe in my 20’s it was easier to believe that love could be fleeting like that without doing any harm to my heart but now….now, I shudder to think of the flip side of that being someone who is a lonely commitment-phobe.  But hell, this is my "Fork World" so whatever.  In my Fork World, nobody judges me for living a life or wild abandon and enjoying every corner of God’s Green Earth. Accomplishment is not measured by how long I can stay at one company, working my ass off to "evolve" three pay grades in 15 years.  Nay nay….it’s measured by how much I realize that life is about living rather than sitting and chasing the dreams of a pavement jungle.  In my Fork World, *I* decide how long to stay somewhere, what hours to sleep and when to work harder or be lazier.  It’s dreamy, n’est-ce pas?

Snap back to reality….that’s not what life is at all.  Life is what it is and I’m not saying that I am unhappy with it or that I desperately wish I lived in Fork World instead of this one.  I’m just giving you a glimpse into my fantasy-head….well, the part of it that I care to share.  I mean, I’ve got some raunchy sexy stuff in there that no one needs know about, thank you very much. 

We’ve all got secrets and dreams locked up in there and I tend to wonder when I meet someone, "Where does YOUR fork take you?".  It helps me deal with certain people more easily when I feel as if they are a total fake beyotch, an asshole or a poser…ahem.

Liquid Diamond Kisses,
Me

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The Wisdom To Know The Difference….

October 17th, 2007

I wore giant blinders throughout most of my formative years.  I was much more of a "black and white" person in my twenties, believing that right was right, wrong was wrong.  I was kind of the asshole that would not back down and/or see someone else’s side of anything.  I did life *my* way and if you didn’t like it, you could pretty much go sit down and fuck yourself.  Strange thing is, that I am sure the above epiphany would make you think that I was just this awful person with this blackened heart but it was quite the opposite.  Deep down inside, I was this compassionate, forgiving, loving, loyal and kind person who was just plain scared to let anyone see that side of her.  Part of me thinks that was due to growing up overweight and another part of me thinks that was due to my mother’s insanity.  One of her mottos was "what happens inside this house stays inside this house".  We were told to paint on smiles and politeness wherever we went, even if we’d just come from a two-hour session of her mental abuse.

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Heart On My Sleeve, Not Where It Should Be…

October 15th, 2007

I’ve been playing life very "close to the vest" lately.  Some of you who read my blog a lot might think that sounds like an odd thing for me to say since I *seem* very open, but as we all know, there are just some things that I can hardly talk about right now.  For a person like me, who generally likes to wear that cute t-shirt with a pink heart on the sleeve, it can be downright stifling and ultimately frustrating.  There are more things that I don’t say than those that I do and I am waiting for the night to come…..for the moment when all of that melts away and I am again totally free to be me.

This weekend was ultimately a very positive, dare I say "awesome" way to almost literally watch the stress and tension wash from my body while I enjoyed my innermost thoughts.  Shawn took a plane to somewhere far away yesterday, which means that I am alone and have the whole place to myself.  Even though some of you might not understand this or even like that I am saying this….there is a peace in being here alone that many cannot understand.  I know that awhile back, I blogged about feeling scared and alone but maybe I should define what I meant by "alone".  I think it’s more of the emotional unrest that comes with thinking that there is no one there to hold your hand or care about your heart when you are crushed and are trying to move forward.  It’s the emotional "Drama Queen" version of "alone".  But in the physical sense, like sitting in a big house that is quiet and peaceful?  That kind of "alone" has always been my friend. 

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Who Do You Need When You Come Undone?

October 10th, 2007

I’m sorry that there is no video post today as I had sort of promised.  I’ve been sitting here crying for about a half hour and there’s no way in hell that I’m going to pretend to be perky and cute for a webcam now. 

When life is rough, strong people do the best they can to just endure it.  Optimistic people do their best not only to endure it but to find strength and happiness in something, anything.  We need to believe that things can only get better so we smile and we dance like good little puppets until we resolve ourselves to believing that it’s all okay.  While there is nothing wrong with trying to stay positive and looking for the good in a sea of bad, there’s a level of dysfunction that accompanies the whole thing.  Some part of the poison doesn’t get expelled and if you don’t recognize that and deal with it, suddenly after a month the walls come crumbling down and there’s that straw and that camel and something to do with its back.

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