Archive for the ‘Silly Hilly’ Category

You Know That Thing About Clean Underpants?

August 30th, 2008

This post mayyyy veer a little more into the TMI realm than you are used to seeing here but yanno, whatever…it’s Saturday.  Besides, this really is about trying to interpret what the hell is going on in my head and/or determining if I’ve fucking lost it.

So I keep having this recurring dream, almost every damned night.

Someone that I find attractive with either show up at my door. show up at my hotel room, have me over to  his house, or any other scenario in which it’s time for the sweet, gentle sexing.  As soon as we start kissing then things get hot and heavy (as they always do), I realize that…*gasp*…I haven’t erm, made sure that Princess HoopieDoo is looking her best.   That’s right, my sweet sweet pussy is um, unkempt.  Yanno, only in my dreams, thank you very much.

What the hell?

Look, I could see this being about me needing to take care of myself better if my SSP wasn’t always in perfectly shaved condition, because hi…it always is.  I’m like an adult version of girl scout that way.  Yanno, Semper Paratus and all that shit.  Soooo then, what the hayck could this annoyingly recurring dream be about?  Obviously, I am not prepared?  In my dream, I always feel like I miss out on the good stuff because of that one issue.  I make up excuses not to have sweet loving with this guy rather than tell the truth or ask to be excused in order to “freshen up”.

There’s got to be a reason that I dream this.  Then again, maybe it’s just so I will obsess over the shavage like I do about everything else.

Love My Venus Razor Kisses,
Me

Posted in In Dreams, Silly Hilly, TMI | Comments (22)

El Pollo Grosso

July 11th, 2008

I spent pretty much all of Thursday at one of my various local Kaiser Permanente facilities getting my wrist checked out.  Let’s just say that the whole appointment could have taken an hour or two max however,  both the radiologist and my orthopedist decided to take lunch breaks while I was with one or the other.  Yes, I was tickled fucking pink to be sitting in the waiting room over and over again.  Because, yanno, watching The Incredibles is better when you can see it three times in one afternoon.  Ahem.  Anyway, during one of their lunch breaks, I decided that I too would go get some lunch before my stomach started growling in my throat!  My choices were limited since I wanted to stay close to that facility so I quickly made my way to the drive thru at El Pollo Loco.

That’s when it happened.  A string of cuss words a mile long that put anything that I’ve ever said to utter shame.  Only, those words were NOT coming from my mouth but from the mouth of this super classy chick two cars ahead of me.  I mean really, I can understand being upset about your order taking forever then not being right but…wow.  Her insults ranged from “Don’t you fucking smart talk me, you ESL mother fucker” to “I bet your parents wished you were just a cum stain on their sheets”.  Hell, she said so many more things that even MY jaw dropped and you all know that I am not easily shocked by curse words.

Anydiddle, so I am sitting there listening to her rabid ranting, wondering when it’s going to stop.  Literally, I was in that drive thru line for about 10 minutes, most of which was held up by her.  The thing that absolutely slayed me about what she was doing?  Yeah, she’d given her food back and didn’t have her new stuff yet.  I’m sorry but I don’t care how wrong my fucking El Pollo Loco order is, I am not going to launch insulting tirades when they still have ample chance to either spit or defecate in my food.  I will politely ask for something to be exchanged or what have you but I’ve learned to kiss some restaurant and fast food ass (or so they think).  I think I am so smart but I bet a lot of you don’t really rock that boat!   So yeah,  I was sitting there with my superiority complex, completely judging her and somewhat giggling on the inside that her food was going to have “special ingredients”.

When I finally pulled up to the window, I handed the boy my money and when he gave me my change, he practically through it at me.  When a dollar bill went flying away, he just waved his hand and said, “oh well, your dollar is right over there.”  I smiled politely as he basically chucked my food at me as well, without even asking if my voluptuous ass wanted salsa.  Then I quietly said, “Now that I have my food, I’d like you to either give me another dollar or walk your ass out to where you dropped it and give me that one.”  Hey now, it’s not like I am High-Mai and could not have grabbed that dollar eventually…but holy fuck, that lady had been somewhat right.  This kid did not give a shit about customer service (like anyone does anymore) and had made me a little irritated.  He actually did give me another dollar and a scowl to accompany it.

So I got my way!  And erm, I probably won’t go back there for awhile just in case he remembers me!

Sausage McGriddle Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Silly Hilly | Comments (28)

That 70’s Blog…

July 1st, 2008

Every now and then, I’ll catch myself saying something crotchety like, “Life sure was a lot simpler before all of this freaking technology took over”.  And yes, I *do* actually look around wondering who the hell said that when clearly it was me.  I think this whole “back to basics” yearning started when I began to watch That 70’s Show in syndication.  I’d marvel at the simplicity of having one long-corded home telephone and a television that actually required you to get off of your ass to change the channel.   Perhaps it’s just that the whole “scene” makes me nostalgic for a time when I didn’t feel the need to be “jacked in” every second of every day.

But here’s the thing…I’m fully aware that it’s not technology’s fault that I tend to obsess over my email, blog, twitter, text messages, phone calls, DVR preferences, blah blah fuckity blah.  It’s just the way my life is, being that this high-tech digital girl has many close relationships that basically depend on technology.  Unlike some people who believe that there is a huge difference between “the Internet people” and “real friends”, my closest relationships actually were formed from deep inside my sweet sweet computer box.  Therefore, when I’m faced with the horror that I may not be able to email someone I need to get ahold of, chat with a person who brings me to my happy place, or check blogs to see what some of my best friends are up to, I tend to get a little bit twitchy.  Maybe, just mayyyybe I tend to take it overboard too.

You see, I sort of invited myself to Jester’s house for the 4th of July weekend when he and I were talking on the phone last night.  Seeing that the alternative is to stick around here with nothing to do, while most of my friends are off whooping it up, I totally jumped at the chance and was excited about it too!  I got off of the phone with Jester and started doing a happy dance on the inside (because I’ve been too sick to snoopy dance in my panties “for real”).  But then…a single thought brought me crashing and banging to this loud, screeching halt.

But my laptop is broken, which means I’ll be out of town for 4 days with no computer!  How can I go away without a laptop?  I can’t leave my precious Internet for that long!

I started to rethink my decision to go out of town, finding a million reasons that were way less pathetic than the one true reason stated above.  I tossed and turned in my sick bed, then started twitching for a bit.  My mind reeled as I thought of ways to quickly get myself a new laptop in time to go up to there to the Bay Area.  Suddenly, and without warning, my damned good sense came into play.  Uh, they have other computers at their house and maybe if I were to ask or bribe, they’d let me check my mail now and again.  Also?  Everyone else will be busy doing stuff this weekend and probably won’t be hanging out online anyway.  And lastly?  The fact that the mere thought of staying home actually crossed my mind made me feel highly pathetic.  Besides, I *do* have a SmartPhone with net capabilities anyway…*whistles*.

Seriously though, it’s moments like these that I truly do yearn for “a 70’s life” but know deep in my heart that I could not survive that shit one day, knowing what I know now.  So I guess I’ll just muddle along with all of these luxuries at my fingertips, if I must suffer (yes, I *am* Norma Desmond).

I’ve decided while writing this post, however, that if I *had* to give up *one* piece of modern technology, it would definitely be the microwave because, while convenient, it’s not a necessity for me.  Hello, it may take longer but cooking in the oven and on the stove top actually is possible, shock of all shocks!  And more importantly, my microwave doesn’t connect me to the people I love in any way, shape or form.  You see how I’m improving upon myself here by being so willing to give things up?  I’m a freaking pillar of strength, I tell you!  Snort…but seriously, could you give something up?  Would you want to?  And pray tell, what the hell would that something actually be?

Big Red Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Silly Hilly | Comments (35)

Sort Of Like Charlie Brown’s Teacher…..

April 30th, 2008

TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon TequilaCon

Is this what we all sound like to you?

Posted in Silly Hilly | Comments (21)

Know When To Walk Away And When To Run….

April 28th, 2008

I’m not quite sure when it started but I’m guessing it was always there, even from birth.  Like most things, however, it wasn’t really recognizable until I had matured and started seeing the pattern.  At first I wasn’t sure and I wanted to keep record of all occurrences just so that I could make a bold statement using the word "never", which is a huge rarity for me.  So for years, I kept trying and trying yet I’d get the same results every time.  I think by about age 30 is when I realized that it was my "thing", if you will.  What the hell am I talking about?

I. never. win. anything.

Those of you who think this post is fueled by the recent announcement of Dave’s Blogiversary winners would be right however….let me fully explain.  This isn’t about me whining that I didn’t win because let’s face it, that is soooo not my style.  I can buy things from the Artificial Duck Store when it opens AND I already know when he is coming to visit my neck of the woods so yeah, I am all good there.  However, when I diligently emailed him every day, making sure to cross my t’s and dot my i’s, part of me laughed inside because I knew that there was no way in hell that I was going to win a damned thing.  This is not a complaint; it’s simply a fact.  When it comes to raffles, contests, drawings and anything similar to that…I have never once been the winner.  And I really do mean "never".

However, let’s look at the flip side of this coin, shall we?  Every time I go to Vegas and play the slots, I do win.  As a matter of fact, it’s been said that I am the opposite of a "cooler".  One reason for this is that the last time we stayed at the MGM Grand, I would follow pretty much the same pattern every day…..wake up, get dressed, go down the elevators and cut through the progressive slot room to get to the Starbucks inside the casino.  I shit you negative, every morning when I walked by the machines, someone would win a huge payout.  Also, it’s not like I was waking up at the same time every day either….I was a little good luck charm, I was!  But anyway, so yeah….I always always always win at least $1000 when playing slots.

So what in the hell is the universe trying to tell me here?  I mean, talk about mixed messages….how can a woman like me win at slots every time yet never ever ever get her name picked out of a fucking hat?  It baffles the mind.

Four Days Til Philly Kisses,
Me

Posted in Silly Hilly | Comments (35)

Tempation Tuesday!

April 15th, 2008

I just realized that with all of the radio shows I’ve been doing lately, my cat’s definitely come out of the bag, so to speak.  That’s right, my friends…I’ve pretty much outed myself with regard to my celebrity crush(es).  I had hoped beyond hope to never talk about such things in the realm of the People’s Republic of Blogistan because I don’t want to become known as having love for one really fucking hot person over all the rest.  Unfortunately, it’s totally true…le sigh.

It’s time that you know who my main man is…my celebrity squeeze. if you will.  It’s none other than the amusing, talented, sweet and "oh so easy on the eyes" Ryan Reynolds.  I’ve loved him since way before it was even cool to love him….think back to those dudes, that chick and the pizza place.  It’s the fact that he’s both extremely funny and extremely hot that makes me swoon.

Ryan Reynolds, my boyfriend...

I think that in the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you who I’d go totally gay for.  I mean, let’s get real, it wouldn’t take that much.  She’s the quintessential "hotness" as far as I am concerned.  She can be cutesy cute. she can be beautiful, but when I see her, I always think of that bad-assed slayer with a dark side.  Oh yes, I’d turn lesbo for Eliza Dushku without hesitation!

Damn, Gina!

So then…ahem, tit for tat and all that!  Why don’t you step up to the plate?

Tell me who YOUR celebrity crushes are, man AND woman!

Don’t be shy…we don’t judge here.  I’m a lovah, not a fighter.  Mmmmm, lovers.

Hot To Trot Kisses,
Me

Posted in Silly Hilly | Comments (44)

What The World Needs Now Is Love…Sweet Love.

February 12th, 2008

Because the next couple of days will be filled with reminders and then the actual “Self-Love Day’" event, I thought I’d take a moment to talk about Valentine’s Day and all that goes with it.  For the sake of this post, we’re calling it “Pink Day” because you know me….I don’t like to say anything the right way.  By the way, since Pink Day is a day of giving your ultimate love, you better prove it!  Ya’ll bettah participate in “Self-Love Day” to show me how much you adore me.  Seriously, if you’re not going to go to Jared’s, then you owe me this, bitches ;).

People tend to view my mockery of Pink Day as the same thing as me hating the holiday but to that I say “nay nay”!  I neither like nor dislike the holiday as a whole and am probably the only person that finds the irony in the fact that St. Valentine was actually a martyr.  I mean really….it’s way off-base with regard to chocolate and flowers but when you think about how many people sit home feeling sorry for themselves because no one loves them?  Uhhhh, yeah.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Silly Hilly | Comments (22)

You’re Never Fully Dressed Without Some Slang!

December 19th, 2007

I’ve noticed something odd about my personality.  Shut up!  Yes, I know there is more than one thing…but for today let’s just focus on the one, shall we?

Anyway, I don’t particularly always say things the right way.  There are certain words or phrases I tend to twist around and say differently more often than not.

For instance:

  • I don’t pronounce it "mullet"….I say "mullay".
  • I never say "dumb ass"…it’s always Dumas!
  • Although I do sometimes say "shenanigans"….I say "shenanigoats" a lot more instead.
  • I never ever ever just say the world "fool"….I always say, "Foolio Iglesias" instead.
  • And most things that are supposed to end in "-er" end up ending with
    the "ah" sound.   Ya know, like crackah, sistah,  vibratah.  Stuff like
    that.

Am I the only one that does this?  Yeah yeah, some of you are Grammarians who look down your noses at people like me.  I actually majored in English, by the way.  I just choose to create my own slanguage, which is a mixture of things that my friends and I have thought up over time.  I’d rather be fun than correct.

And yes, I can turn it off when the situation calls for it.  In the middle of a business meeting, you won’t even hear me use "like" and "all" as verbs, let alone walk into the room screaming, "what’s up in this beyotch?".

Anyway, chime in so I don’t feel so alone, mmmmkay?

Stuffing Your Stocking With Kisses,
Me

Posted in Silly Hilly | Comments (29)