Archive for the ‘Snackie Snark’ Category

The Snarky Elephant In My Room….

November 13th, 2008

Man, it’s been awhile since I’ve let loose with the snark but seriously?  I’ve totally fucking had it up to here (note that my hand is level with my eyeballs).  There was a straw that came close to breaking some random camel’s back last momth, but I totally let it go.

Breathe in, breathe out, Hil…let’s try to be kind and zen.

However…the hits kept on coming, one after the other in rapid fire succesion.  It was the proverbial “war zone” and rather than fire back, I sat still.  Okay maybe I didn’t exactly do or say nothing but I mostly just vented to the few close friends of mine that I absolutely *knew* would get it.  Harsh words flew from my mouth as did diatribes regarding the character of others.  I started to feel mean and petty, but then I totally let it go.

Breathe in, breathe out, Hil…let’s try to be kind and zen.

As of today though, I’m totally done pretending.  I have something to say and it’s a wee bit snarky but here goes:  If you need to make fun of other people just to be funny, then you are not fucking funny at all.  I’m not saying that I am perfect and that I never make fun of anyone.  As shameful as it is, it would be lying to say that I’ve never tossed a dig someone’s way.  But honestly?  Sometimes people aren’t cute even though they think they totally are.  There is a huge difference betwen friends kidding around with each other and being a bit sarcastic versus saying something to someone that totally cuts them down to size then adding what Foo and I call “the winky cunt”.  Every time I see someone spew vitriol then add “the winky cunt”, I so want to smack their avatar.

Breathe in, breathe out, Hil…let’s try to be kind and zen.

What’s “the winky cunt”, you ask?  Well, it’s the winky face that gets placed at the end of a mean spiritied statement just so that the person making said statement doesn’t look like a total tool even though they are being doucheburger supreme with cheese and bacon.  Don’t get me wrong, I totally think that “winky face” is cool and use it a ton in order to show my inflection (yanno, that I am kidding) over a medium that hardly supports my own sarcasm.  But you know and I know that there is a huge difference between “winky face”and “winky cunt”.  Here are some examples:

Winky Face: Well, we sure know that you never say anything mean, Miss Hilly!  ;)

Winky Cunt: Oh gee, I sure am glad that you’re being all introspective again cause that almost never happens!  I mean, gosh…especially since there is no way you’ve been talking about the same thing for over a year now.  ;)


Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

If you think that there is something wrong with my character and/or that I need to seriously look at something, you have a fucking email account.  Hey, maybe you even have a fucking cell phone or an instant messenger.  Don’t give me a huge venomous snake bite then use “winky cunt’.  If you think such low thoughts about me, have the balls to just say it or have the compassion to stop being childish and just ignore me…shoo fly, go the fuck away.

Breathe in, breathe out, Hil…let’s try to …oh fuck it, too late.

I’m seriously just tired of the back handed comments turned into comedy.  It’s just not okay anymore.  I’m done pretending  that I think you are so cool when all you do is cut me down, winky cunt or not.  Now then, I realize that some people don’t get it…they really are oblivious and think that they are being cute.  However, when someone who has a huge sense of humor and never in her life has been told to “lighten up” finds something stinky and fucked up?  Yeah, you know that enough is enough.  I’m not just saying this because I’ve held it in and have finally imploded and exploded (yes, I am that talented) in a fit of rage.  I’m also saying this as someone who has had her feelings hurt a LOT lately.  I’ve tried to say something each time this has happened so that this wasn’t an issue of me having “festery head” while never letting anyone know how I feel.  But holy crapstick, how many times do I need to say it?  Seriously.

Brought To You By The Letter “F” Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Diatribes, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (44)

Ten Things I Hate About You…

October 1st, 2008

I hate to use the word “hate” (heh) but it works for the title.

Anyway, the other day I was talking to Jester about some stuff revolving around friendships which really got me thinking about  the things that I look for in a friend and also, the things that will make me end a toxic friendship without second thought.  The list below are some of the various reasons that I’d have to walk away from a friendship (well except the Twitter one, cause that would make me a crazy person).

1. You’re always negative. Seriously, I am all for the snark and sarcasm but some people don’t see the difference between being funny/sarcastic and being whiny/asstastic.  It’s very hard to get me to take anyone seriously when all they do is bitch bitch bitch.

2. You find fault with everything I say and/or do. I’m not a milquetoast who can’t take constructive criticism.  In fact, I welcome it if it is warranted.  However, there are some people that just want to nitpick the hell out of others and quite honestly, that frustrates me and I don’t have the patience for it.

3. You talk shit about people. Look, I am no saint…I’ve gossiped.  I’ve also expressed my frustrations about certain people to mutual friends upon occasion.  It’s not right but sometimes you just need to vent to a person who understands.  So that stuff, I get.  However, there are people out there who talk crap about almost everyone they know whenever I talk to them.  Newsflash…if they are talking shit about others to me, then they are also talking shit about me to others.

4. You send me important information through Twitter rather than to my email address. Dude, yes Twitter is convenient what with its “direct message” feature and all.  And okay, when someone sends you a DM through Twitter, you also get an email.  However, I am 10 times more likely to just delete a Twitter email due to the fact that I get about 20 spammy add requests a day.  Also?  I don’t get it.  You *have* my email address, why  not use it?  That being said, I know people had no idea that I feel this way so yanno, I’m not talking shit about anyone in particular, blah blah.

5.  You assume that I will be there for you time and time again when you are hardly ever there for me. Okay so this one is pretty self-explanatory. If I am there for you over and over again through your life’s little earthquakes yet you cannot pick up a phone to ask if I am okay after surgery?  Yeah.  If this pattern continues time after time after time, the only thing left is to downgrade our friendship.

6.  You make up stories because it’s easier for YOU not to tell me the truth. I do not fucking care what the deal is but lying to me is never ever ever okay.  I’m not talking about bloggy type stuff where things are omitted for privacy either…whatever.  In fact, I’d rather you just not tell me something rather than lie to me.  But the thing that really gets my goat is when you are lying just because it’s easier for you.  It pisses me off for the obvious reasons but also, it’s like you’re assuming that I am stupid enough not to know you are lying OR that you’ve ignored the fact that I’m very open and understanding.

7.  You take advantage of me. Luckily, this one rarely happens.  For me, it’s more about taking advantage of my generous spirit more than anything else.

8.  You spill my secrets. I know this one sort of goes hand in had with number 3 however, more specifically, it’s when I make a point to say “okay NOBODY can ever hear about this” and yet you ignore it anyway.  Of course, what is even worse is when you get mad at me then decide it’s time everyone knows my dirty secret.  Guess what?  We’re not bouncing back from that one.

9. You discount what is important to me. Let me just give an example for this one:  I was talking to an agnostic the other day and she says to me, “Believing in God and Jesus is just stupid Hilary because you have no proof”.  Look, I don’t care that she doesn’t believe in God but telling me that *I* am stupid for doing so?  Wrong wrong wrong.  You would actually be surprised to know that this is the one I come across the most often in my friendships.  Well, one or two anyway.

10.  You have poor hygiene. Okay yes, this was thrown in at the last minute but honestly, I can’t be friends with people who are unshowered and who haven’t brushed their teeth all week.  You see, all I would be focusing on is not throwing up in my mouth so I would be a bad listener anyway!

How about you?  What are some things that make a friendship toxic in your mind?  And more importantly, do you stick to your guns and get rid of negativity or, like me, do you often try to ignore it and make it go away?

Pushing Daisies Is On Tonight Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Friendship, Snackie Snark | Comments (38)

Adore Your Inner Whore…

August 29th, 2008

Yesterday a friend and I were talking about the Hot Blogger Calendar thingie and both of us agreed that if we never have to see another person whore themselves out for votes on their blogs, we’d be thrilled.  Don’t get me wrong here…I’m not judging you if you are one of the many that have banners, ads, crotchlessness, or have made promises you don’t intend to keep just to win this thing.  That’s YOUR bag even if it certainly isn’t mine.  It’s not that I think it’s stupid or anything like that either…I just don’t care about it.  Especially not enough to read about it day in and day out.

Before you call me a snarky bitch, just wait.  I actually have a point.

The thing about me not wanting to read about this damned calendar or other things that may be making my nerves all crazy is the fact that I don’t have to.  I can simply hit my F1 button to take me to my next feed and move right along.  There is no call for me to make a snarky statement on your blog nor is there any reason for me to be some fucking drama whore that makes you feel bad about yourself because you dare care about your hotness factor.  It all boils down to my life philosophy.

Live and let live.

I get so irritated when people attack others for doing things that they actually think are radical badical, just because the other person thinks it is the suck.  In my world, this often comes in the form of judgment about which diet I am on at any given time.  Recently, I decided to go on the South Beach Diet as a result of talking to Foo about how she’s been doing on it, as well as hearing from my sister’s boyfriend that it’s a pretty good way to lose weight.  After also reading books and making an informed decision, I decided to try it.  It’s funny too because the topic fell into my lap almost exactly right after I decided that I really needed to go on a sugar detox and cut the refined ones out of my life.  Anyway, someone who shall remain nameless gave me a heaping spoonful of their hoity shit that apparently doesn’t stink by telling me that I am a fool for doing anything other than Weight Watchers.  This person then continued on to yap and yap and yap, almost to the point that they were making fun of me for being fat.  The statement “you’d still be thinner if you had just stayed on Weight Watchers, so you basically did this to yourself” was uttered.  I believe my last email back to this person said, “don’t ever fucking email me again”.

Yeah, sometimes I can be a sensitive and bitchy.

The thing about this girl though is that she lost 140 pounds about five years ago and has managed to keep off between 80-100 of it, depending on the “tragedies” going on in her life.  I’d normally not be so flippant about tragedies but seriously, she got a bad hair cut and put on 15 pounds.  Oh wait, is that me being Judy McJudgerpants?  Hrm…anyway, she is the kind of person that brings up her weight loss in every conversation even if the convos have absolutely no relation to anything close to sorta matching the weight loss subject.  And what’s even worse is that she bursts out with her janky ass tourettes statement of “well I lost 100 pounds so I know suffering” and when no one fawns all over her, she acts all nonchalant.  “Phew”, she says, “I sure am glad they let that subject drop quickly without making too big of a deal about my accomplishment.  You know how I hate to be the center of attention”.

Clearly, bitch.

It’s one thing to be a whore and admit it.  *That* I can take and live with when I see others do it because hell, at least they are being themselves and are being honest.  And uh, I have no idea why I am saying “they” instead of “we” cause I’m not innocent when it comes to the whoredom scale either.  Anyway, if you are going to make blanket statements that basically say, “me me me” as you tug on someones pant leg, then fucking own up to it later.  Don’t act coy and pretend that you never wanted people to clap for you when they don’t.  That makes you even more sad and pathetic, really.

Uh, what was that I said?  Oh right, live and let live.  I forgot.

So, in summation, to wrap this up the best way I can, I need to tell you something.  You need to get your asses over to Snackie TeeVee and subscribe or sign up to be contributors.  I’m so awesome and so is my teevee site…go now now now!  If you do, I will take off my bra, run around making you all cupcakes and um, make a banner that I put up here every day for a week!  Yanno, or not.

Winky Cunt Kisses,
Me

Posted in Hilly's Life 2008, Random Schmandom, Snackie Snark | Comments (34)

Sometimes I Can Hold My Tongue (Sometimes Not)…

August 22nd, 2008

Last year, I somehow developed the pattern of posting to my blog every day, come hell or high water.  Lately, this is not the case at all.  Between a couple of conversations that I had with some friends yesterday, I realized that I’m slowly settling back into that “only post when I’ve got something interesting to say” mode.  I mean, I could come here and slap up a meme that lets you know what foods I have or have not eaten in my lifetime and be done with it.  But seriously?  Who gives a fuck about what nasty ass janky shit I’ve eaten in my life?  It feels a lot like “phoning it in” to me and rather than go down that path just so I have *something* to say, I’d rather say nothing at all.  Now then, before anyone gets defensive because you recently did that exact meme that I just ranked on?  It’s not about you and your blog habits…it’s about me and mine.  Believe me when I say that I hold a lot more judgment over my own blog than over yours.  And even if that’s not always the case, who cares?  No one died and made me Judge Judy and executioner anyway!  It’s just that I’m not okay with writing *just to write* anymore.  I’ve got to have something to say, a story to tell, or at least a fucking question to ask of my readers.

In case you hadn’t guessed it, the snarkstress is back.

You know, along with hardly writing anything over the last couple of weeks, I’ve also cut down my blog reading time drastically.  Sure sure, last week I was a wee bit depressed and sick but this week?  Not so much.  I’m actually in a really good place, kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening!  I’ve got a plan, the means to implement that plan, and the skies are looking blue, blah blah blah.  Needless to say, the life that I live outside of this computer is actually more fine and dandy than it has been in awhile.  Part of me just wants to enjoy these moments while I can and not taint them by a ton of time online and yet, there is that other ugly part of me that is ready to stabby stab stab her eyes out.

It’s no secret that patience is just not one of my virtues.  I’ve lived a lifetime of stuffing my impatience down as far as it will go, just to act like a normal member of society and/or not hurt a bunch of people’s feelings.  The truth is, no matter how nice I honestly am, I’m still easily annoyed.  The second piece of truth is that 80% of the time, I’m annoyed because of something inside of me that just can’t let the little shit go…but the other 20% of the time?  Yeah, it’s actually you being an annoying douchenozzle and thinking it’s fucking cute.  (Uh, and by “you”, I mean the random collective “you”, not you readers).  Anyway, part of trying so very hard to be nice and let stuff go means that I swallow a ton of my frustrations.  Generally, they go away and yanno, get flushed out with the rest of the crap.  However, there are times when the same frustrations build up to a boiling point and if I don’t walk away from you, I will sincerely boil over and scald you with vicious words.  This is not something I am proud of.  This is not me acting like a bad-ass.  This is a simple fact although I wish it were not.

Truthfully, I’ve been frustrated with some things that I’ve seen things online that just so happen to bleed into my real world as well.  I can’t handle hearing about the same shit over and over again, even when I’m the one doing the talking.  I’m not sitting in an ivory tower judging because I realize that the only way to recognize something annoying in someone else is to have it yourself.  I think they may have a stupid saying about that too.  Here’s the thing…real friendships are at risk if I don’t walk away now and gather my composure.  I’ve never had the fortitude to actually stay the hell away from my blog and Twitter on a full time basis, unless I’ve been out of town.  Even when I am feeling like shooting fire out of my eyes, I continue to read surreptitiously, thinking that if no one knows I’m there, I won’t have to pretend that everything is okay.

Let’s all pause so I can snort, m’kay?

I make this sound a lot worse than it really is because, well…I’ve almost reached a point of no return.  I’m frustrated but it’s not really a blogging thing.  It’s more about friendships and lines in the sand and oh my GOD, I am being cryptic again…sorry!  The long story short here (too late) is that I need to spend some time gathering thoughts and turning them into constructive and kind ones before I tackle some serious issues with some people.  I swear to GOD if anyone asks me if it is them, I will come smother you with messy frosting kisses!  Believe me, if it was you, you’d completely fucking know or yanno, at least have a clue.  This isn’t some thinly veiled rant.  This is just me trying to get it out and if I’ve done it in a harsh manner, I don’t mean to be cruel.  My rope is frayed at one end and on fire at the other end.

Good thing I am going away for four days.

Yeppers…Saturday afternoon, I am taking a flight up to the Sacramento area to spend time with my sister and my nephew.  Oh yeah, and there’s that thing where it’s my Dad’s birthday too, heh.  This is a much needed getaway for me, mostly because every time I come back from a visit with the famdam I feel rejuvenated and almost see the world with a whole different shade of technicolor.  I think some people call it “clarity”.  Hopefully while I am up there, I’ll be lucky enough to hang with FooDiddy as well as (maybe) the gays (footnote).  But really, when it all comes down to it, I’ll be much less inclined to spark up wide wide world of web and maybe that too will bring a different kind of lucidity…the silent kind.

Killing For Celery Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (29)

So You Go And You Stand On Your Own…

August 15th, 2008

I didn’t really check my email yesterday…at all.  Therefore, this morning when I really poured through it, I saw quite a few messages from people letting me know that they are here for me if I want to talk.  Although I didn’t delete any of those emails, answering them back was not a top priority either.

I guess I should explain…

I’m a total isolator, if you know what I mean.  When things get to be too much, I am quite content to cut myself off from other people and just veg on my own.  Those that think that it’s sad and worry that it aids me to live too much inside of my head, you may be right.  However, that’s really only half of it.  The stage where I am now is the one where I throw myself into an old TV series on DVD and escape there, freeing my mind of the many thoughts that swirl in and out, over and over.  I have no idea if this is healthy or not but it helps me greatly to do so.  As long as I am aware of what I am doing and also have the strength to cut myself off from the “escape fest”, then who the fuck am I hurting by eating sunflower seeds and watching season six of Charmed all day long?  Certainly not you.  And really, certainly not myself.

Slowly but surely, I am starting to resurface.  I may spend this afternoon curled up with a book or lost in yet another TV series (like Damages).  I actually have quite a few errands to run and while I am out, maybe I will go sit on the beach for awhile and “think about what I’ve done”.  Heh.  Maybe later on, if I’m feeling extra daring, I’ll turn back on my Twitter text delivery.  Yep, I turned it off last night because I just need to not look at some of those things today.  So far you’re impressed, right?  I mean, what a rebellious nature!  Seriously though, the creme de la creme is the fact that my friend Scott invited me to an all day beach party/barbecue for his 40th Birthday tomorrow which means that I HAVE to take off my “me time” cap and put on my dancing shoes.  By then, the extreme social interaction will actually be a necessity so all in all, I say this works out perfectly!

In any case, if I’ve not answered you back through whatever medium, I am not some snotty bitch who is ignoring you and/or has deleted your email.  Chances are that right now it’s just too hard for me to talk about it…again.  Believe it or not, even *I* am sick of my own shit.  If I talk about my stomach ache one more time, by the way, someone has permission to slap me!  If I bitch about how I got my period yesterday, in the middle of my stomach virus AND already being a bit sad, someone else has permission to shove giant cupcakes down my throat!  If I look at you with tears welled up in my eyes, telling you just how much you mean to me and that I am thankful for all of you, someone has permission to hug me and mayyyybe even kiss me.  Maybe.

:cake: Happy Birthday To Shawn Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly's Life 2008, Snackie Snark | Comments (48)

Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams…

August 12th, 2008

Today I feel completely “done”.  Before I go on, I just want to state for the record that this is not a cry for attention.  I’m not here talking about shutting down my blog because I want people to beg me to stay.  I’ve always hated fishing and I’m not about to start doing it now!

However, I swear on all that is holy, there are some days that I want to just “quit the Internet” entirely.  This means no blogging, no Twitter, no instant messenger, no emails, nothing.  I want to force people to communicate with me in a courteous fucking manner.  You know how it is, right?  People do things on the great Wide Wide Wold of Web that they’d not do in everyday life.  No, not everyone does this but right now there are enough people doing it that it makes me want to scream and run for the hills, where a wonderful woodsy cabin sits by a lakeside.  Of course, I’ll need a man to come with me and help alleviate my frustrations by uh…letting me watch him chop wood?  Oh okay, or whatever else comes to mind.

Seriously though, I am at one of those crossroads.  I’m frustrated with myself and with the way some people have been acting lately.  I’ve no idea how to confront people in a more affable manner without walking away from them for awhile in order to do so.  Selfishness, cruelty, and a general disregard for someones emotions are not even close to awesome OR sexy, by the way.  I see sarcasm taken so far that it actually becomes douchebaggery.  It’s not my place to say anything though, so I walk away, feeling a bit slimier for having not said anything.  I detest drama so I bite my lip even when the most heinous of things jump out at me like something from a horror film.  I keep swimming, keep going, keep ignoring…basically, I keep shoving it down inside of me until, like a volcano, I feel ready to erupt.

This is where I am today…ready to open my mouth and spew venom with a side of pea soup.  I know that when pushed against a proverbial wall, I push back way harder than I should.  I’ve let things fester.  I’ve let things go.  I’ve been ignoring the other million hard situations I need to deal with in order to focus on the main one right now (yanno, my marriage).  Yesterday I took a baby step by getting rid of this guy on Twitter that was a total assmonkey to me every time he spoke to me.  He made light of yesterday’s video blog by telling me that it sucks that I don’t have real problems but rather appearance issues, blah blah.  As I sat there and readied myself to ignore his third rude tweet to me in as many days, I kicked myself in the ass and thought, “Why are you not ridding this crap from your life?  Why do you ignore rather than make it go away one way or the other?”.

The sad thing about this post is that I am writing it directly after I received some of the most wonderful comments and support stemming from yesterday’s video blog post.  For the record, I’m not forgetting those.  In fact, I have those tucked deep into my left shirt pocket, right next to my heart.  The thing is that I am ALWAYS Polyanna in these situations, pointing out the good and the lovely.  For all my sarcasm, I am the eternal optimist who sees everyone’s glass as half full, even when certain glasses are full of Bacardi and Asshat.  I’m not becoming jaded at all.  I’m just revisiting my snarky side today…the side that is so fucking done that she needs a day off, maybe two.

People are going to act how they are going to act.  I need to decide how that fits in with what I want for my life.  Taking some time off will be a very good thing.  Unfortunately, I can’t do it today but maybe soon.  Oh and before you ask, none of this is cryptic at all.  This is just how I feel in general, sans specifics because trust me, in the specifics lies the true venom.

She Really Doesn’t Think She’s The Queen Kisses,
Me

Posted in Emotional Technology, Hilly On A Tangent, Snackie Snark | Comments (29)

8 Simple Rules For Being My Friend…

August 4th, 2008

This is not a meme…it’s just plain me.  I’ve been playing around with “duh-tard” rules on Twitter…yanno, common sense things like “Don’t wear a red shirt to Target unless you *want* people to ask you where the bathroom is”.  In doing so (and being extremely silly and lame), I discovered a post idea.  Take it with a grain of sea-salt, would ya?

Honesty: I’m the type of person that can handle pretty much any secret that you’ve got, even ones that you’re scared will make me run away. Hell, I’m the type of *friend* that will help you hide the bodies if need be. Sure, I may suggest you go to therapy directly thereafter, but I’ll stand by you while you cover up your crazy messes. However…the second you fucking lie to me? I’m pretty much done. I don’t care about the things you don’t want to tell me because they are your own personal secrets. I totally *understand* needing to keep things locked inside and would never get pissy at someone for not wanting to divulge all of who they are to little old me. The thing that will drive me away faster than garlicky smoker’s breath is a flat-out lie. Once you completely lie to me, especially about something petty and stupid, you can bet that we’re pretty much done. I do take things on a case by case basis, of course, but sheesh…you all know what I mean!

Sense of Humor: This one is pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it?  Let me be more specific though.  I don’t require ALL of my friends to always be “on” and act like total hams.  What I mean by “sense of humor” is that you have the capability to laugh, capacity to find things funny, and the non-douchebaginess to not look at me like I’m an ass whenever I am silly.

Trustworthiness: I know that I’ve mentioned here several times that people tend to tell me all of their secrets. If you only knew half of the shit I’m keeping inside right now, your heads would explode. No really, they totally would! Being a person that is both blessed and cursed with being trustworthy, I know exactly how easy it actually is not to spread people’s gossip all over the damned universe. Some days are harder than others, especially when I get random juicy tidbits of fluff gossip, but I look at it this way: I keep the fluff gossip to myself as well because keeping those secrets might lead to more trust from my friends in the future. Earning trust is like gathering Coke Rewards and a lot of people just don’t get that. Anydiddle…the moment you tell someone one of my secrets, it’s on. Furthermore, the moment you take one of my best friends’ precious secrets and spread that in the same way you probably spread your legs? Yeah, my trust for you is gone then too. Some people say you can still have a friendship without trust. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

Intelligence: Again, I am not looking for Einstein here, nor do I care what your IQ is.  All I want is to hang out with people who can talk about things without saying “ain’t got no Wal Mart” every five seconds.  There’s a huge difference between book smarts and social smarts as well.  I generally hang out with people that have a mixture of both.

Hygiene: I’ll admit it…I am grossed out by bad hygiene or even “somewhat poor” hygiene.  It’s all very simple, sheesh.  Shower every day…no, not every other day.  Every fucking day.  Unless you’re laid up with an injury or of a an ethnic background where it’s not uncommon to skip a day, seriously dude…wash yourself.  I don’t care if you did nothing but “sit around the house all day yesterday”.   Holy fuck - your body still secreets sweat, juices, fluids and you still go to the bathroom!  Also, brush your teeth at least twice a day, for fucks sake.  Wash your hands after using the restroom.  Wash your hands before and after cooking.  Blah blah blah…I really shouldn’t even have to say these things and yet, erm…yeah.

Manners:  “Please” and “thank you” are not optional…ever.  Saying “bless you” or whatever variation of that you choose after someone sneezes *is* optional but it I find it rude when people don’t.  Everything else is gravy and I cannot dictate how anyone lives his or her life.  Manners are important to me because *I* use them every day and in every way.  For example, I still believe that the elderly have the right of way therefore I hold doors open for them and let them get in and out of elevators first.  Sure, half of them are crotchety fucking farts who need a lesson in manners themselves but my behavior should not be based on someone else’s standard of conduct but rather my own.  Oh and men…if you want to make me swoon???  Hold the door open for me.  I never expect it but when it happens, it sure is nice.

Common Sense: If you eat the last of my peanut butter, just tell me so I can get some more.  Yes, that is my only example.  Whatever.  Common sense dictates that this post is getting too long.  I know you’re picking up what I’m putting down though, right?

Good Taste in Music: Okay okay, this is not really a requirement.  Just so you know though, we can be *friends* if you listen to craptastic Country music and all that…just don’t ever expect me to ride in your car.  Or come to your house.  Or vacation with you by a pool.  Yanno, anything where music is required.

I Finally Got An iPhone Kisses!
Me

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Hypocritical Hilly & Snarky Stewardesses

June 26th, 2008

I think that this video post speaks for itself, dammit! Here is the direct link for those who can’t see the video post in their feed readers.

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Run With Me Through Rows Of Speeding Cars…

February 19th, 2008

I can’t believe that I’m about to launch one of my bitchier posts off by quoting something from a show called "The Pimp Chronicles" but there you have it.  I was watching this the other day and even though it was a lot of cussing and comedic delight, Katt Williams’ words resonated:

You done got with a man and now you’re talking about "You fucked up my self-esteem".  Bitch, it’s called self-esteem!  It’s esteem of your mother fuckin’ self, bitch!  How the fuck could I fuck up how you feel about you, simple bitch?

So sure, you have to look past a ton of curse words but other than that, the message is quite simple.  Were we all perfectly right in the head, no one should be able to take away the love that we have for ourselves and make us doubt down to the core.  I know it’s not a perfect world and that it doesn’t always work out like that, but let me tell you what….we sure are quick to let someone else’s words and actions dictate how the fuck we feel about ourselves.  We like to call that "letting them rent space in your head".

If you think I am judging you for being a "head" landlord then think
again.  We all do it at times, no matter how hard we strive not to.  I
am a perfect example.  Lately I swear to God that my life is like
playing Frogger….I jump through a row of speeding cars, fending off
the latest bullshit to fly my way only to face yet another row of
what?  Speeding fucking cars!  And once I get to the other side and
think that I have a breaher?  Yeah, not so much because it’s time to
come back and RE-HASH the same shit over and over and over again.  So
you know what I decided to do?  I’m making a list…lots of people have
made them lately on many different topics.  But mine?  Mine is called
"The Laundry List" and it is a list of things that are bugging the crap
out of me, seriously.

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I Am The Mask You Wear….

January 24th, 2008

I’ve been trying to find my words for a few days now.  There are a few subjects that I’ve wanted to bring up and discuss but how they all intermeshed and how I would brooch them without being bitchy was the real test.  Of course, giving them time and marinating on them was, as always, the best way.

You know, TypePad has installed some radical new features for us to use however never quite told us that they were there.  So when my blog automatically started separating my comments into pages and only showing wee little arrows at the bottom of each page to indicate that it did so, people starting freaking out.  Sure, a lot of people figured out there was a second page but most of us are just USED TO it being one page and not searching the fucking globe for our comments.  The fact that it appeared as if certain comments had just vanished instigated an email frenzy that I’ve not seen in some time.  A lot of the emails were of the "have I done something to upset you?" flavor rather than the "what the fuck is the problem with your ghetto blog?" flavor.

I find this to be an interesting anecdotal segue into what’s been on my mind…..

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