October 8th, 2009
This just in….
I lost another two pounds this week!
I’ve officially lost 25 pounds gone since moving to Florida in April!
You know what is strange? It’s getting easier and easier to do. I often wonder if the success is what keeps driving me to move forward this time or if it is something else because hi, I’ve attempted to diet at least 45.5 times in the last three years and have never really succeeded in staying on plan any longer than a month or two. I think that getting that taste of success has always been enough to slightly motivate me in the past but hasn’t really kept me going as much as I’d like so hrm, what the hell is it?
Is it the fact that I live alone now? That I no longer have the stresses of living under the same roof with my husband when our marriage was clearly broken? That I no longer have to “hide in a corner” and wait for the next shoe to drop? That I no longer feel the lonlienss that comes from living with someone yet still being utterly alone?
Is it the fact that I have more free time on my hands to exercise now that I work from home? That I make sure I wake up and stretch every morning before I do anything else? That I actually crave working out now whereas I used to hate it?
Is it the fact that I’ve got an army of friends who support me? That they actually compliment me and tell me that I look thinner even when we both know that I’ve got so much further to go? Is it the fact that they don’t mock me for bringing my own food to their houses and for not drinking booze like I used to?
Is it the fact that I’m living to love myself now? That I’m all about taking care of Hilly and finding what it is that will make me happy? That I’m truly blessed to have a quiet and practically drama-free existence?
I think it could be all of these things plus some things that I haven’t even thought of yet! All I know is that I really am thankful for the “right now” when it does seem so easy. Part of me wants to be idealistic and think that it can always be this easy to make good choices while the other part of me waits for the day when I have to handle the inner bitch that wants to sit and binge on a pan of brownies while watching The Biggest Loser. Either way, I think I will just take it one day at a time and be happy reveling in the fact that I really can accomplish this if I keep mindful of my emotions and other random stuff.
Hrm, I’m happy and you know what? This is one happiness that no one can take away from me. Not ever.
September 30th, 2009
Most of you that read my regular blog know that I am going through a really rough time right now. My kitty, who has feline cancer, is dying and will be put to sleep on Friday morning unless he passes before then. On top of that, I’ve got stressful situations with some friends of mine that make me worry for them and want to help them at the same time. Lastly, I’ve once again been really freaked out about money issues as I rob Peter to pay Paul then rob Paul ten seconds later.
All of this stress has finally taken its toll on my body and I am officially super sick. Last night I was sneezing like a crazy person but chocked it up to allergies however when I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose, raw throat and a really heavy feeling in my chest, I knew it was all over. I don’t NEED to be sick right now. I don’t have TIME to be sick right now. It’s annoying, to say the least.
But wait, how does this relate to my Weight Loss Blog? I’ll tell you….
The very first thing I thought about when I realized I was sick was this: “Crap, now I’m not going to be able to work out today and possibly tomorrow!”
Seriously, who am I and what kind of crazy person has taken over my body?
Oooh by the way, I don’t think I checked in after my last weigh-in but I was down another 1.4 pounds as of Friday for a total of 25 lost since April! I’ve also lost an inch to an inch and a half off of every part of my body!
See why I am so upset about missing workouts? Hrm, maybe if I take NyQuill NOW then sleep, I will feel well enough to work out tonight!
Again, when did I become crazy like this?
September 19th, 2009
I hate exercising. Hate. Loathe. Abhor. Spit Upon. Insert verb here.
Let it be known that the first person to tell me that I need to “get over my negative feelings toward working out” will be shot. Or stabbed. Maybe both. The other day, I briefly joked (both on Facebook and Twitter) that I wish I could delegate my workouts but still reap the benefits and some random piece of ass candy gave me a hard time about it. Newsflash, one characteristic of possessing strength and willpower is actually doing those things that we hate to do because they are the right thing to do. Generally, I don’t condone doing things that make one unhappy but if one hates working out, one needs to get over it.
In case I’m not being clear, “one” is me.
That being said, my favorite form of exercise has always been very simple – walking. The first time I lost over 100 pounds, the only exercise I did was that I walked 45 minutes a day, five days a week. That’s it. No fancy classes or exercise videos. No contorting my body into strange positions and falling down because I lack basic balance. Just walking. Unfortunately, since then I’ve lived in places where the climate is quite warm so walking outside is about as likely to happen as me being named Miss America. As a substitute, I started doing Leslie Sansone’s Walk Away The Pounds series back in 2004 and have owned almost every incarnation of the WATP series since. It’s an easy way to feel like I am getting that walk in plus it’s always been enough to get my heart rate up, keep it up, burn some fat and calories and then feel good about myself at the end of the day.
However, this last week I started a new workout routine (one that I actually thought would be all pussy-ish) that kicked my ever-loving ass. Yes my friends, I have also owned The Biggest Loser Workout video since 2004 and have never taken it out of the wrapper until yesterday. Holy freaking hell, my muscles are so sore today and I thought that I was seriously going to die yesterday! While some people that read this may be super fit and wholly capable of doing more hardcore workouts, I am not. To be honest, I’m not sure how hard this video would be for someone at the advanced level of exercise. However, the fact that the Biggest Loser contestants (who had trained with Bob for months) could not keep perfect timing and finish all the exercises made me think that this might be just what I need.
I like the way Bob trains. I love the fact that the other people doing the workout video were having a hard time keeping up as well and they weren’t these picture pefect robotic workout drones able to make me feel inferior. I like the fact that this video encouraged me to keep on going and something about loving Bob Harper made me push myself harder than I have in a long long time. I like the fact that I was grunting, groaning and screaming like they do on the TV series. Although it’s a little demented, I also love being sore because it means that I am doing the right thing!
Why the sudden change-up in routine”? Well first of all, I could feel myself getting bored of the other videos and knew it was time for something else when I would check my email while walking away the pounds. Also? For the last two weeks, I have lost a pound every week and I want to step it up a notch. Now now, I know that a pound a week is totally healthy so I’m not bitching about that but yanno, TWO pounds a week is totally healthy too. Lastly, it’s time to start scultping my body a bit more so that the lean muscle mass is burning fat all day long. Blah blah blah and more blah blah.
I think that I need to find a way to at least not HATE working out even if I never ever ever am going to be so in love with it that I want to marry it. That honor is reserved for sugar-free cinnamon bun pudding, thank you very much.
September 7th, 2009
I’ve totally not been in the blogging realm this weekend so I failed to mention that I actually gained one pound at weigh-in on Friday.
First of all, I have to laugh because I always make it sound like I go to an *actual* weigh-in every week when nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, I wake up every Friday morning, go to the restroom, wash my face and teeth, strip down and then stand on the scale. I step on and off three times (which is ridiculous because my scale is really freaking precise) then go to my computer, open an Excel spreadsheet I’ve made, note down my weight, update the graph (oh yes, I have charts) and then voila, it’s all over until next week!
Anydoodle, so yes…this week I had a wee bitty gain and oddly enough I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’m *also* not going to beat myself up over the fact that I’ve been eating like the Great PMS Monster since Friday night. Nay nay, I’m just going to tell you that I’ve had (in the last three days) pizza, hot wings, pasta from The Olive Garden, breadsticks from The Olive Garden, Chinese food, flautas, carrot cake and a full-fat coffee drink. Man, I want to barf just reading that list! To say that I went PMS-crazy this time around would be a huge understatement for sure.
However, here’s the thing: it’s done. I ate it; my tummy felt gross all weekend because of it; I’ve welcomed “my little friend” this morning; I now am over it. It’s back to oatmeal breakfasts and dinners made from the finest Weight Watcher recipes that I’ve created (in my mind, that is). There’s no need to let the last few days of Labor Day Weekend um…”Fun” wreak havoc with my self-esteem and my desire to be a healthier person. Nope, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and march forward towards a skinnier and happier me.
I think my weight-loss efforts always cease to exist in those moments that I allow to define me, such as a weekend of slipping up. Why let the negative moments define me when there are much better positive ones out there? Exactly…no reason whatsoever.
I see lots of working out in my future, especially if I hope to get that scale going back down by Friday morning. Toot toot, wish me luck!
August 28th, 2009
I just realized that I haven’t checked in here for almost two weeks! Um, oopsie-doodle.
Last week, I talked about my weigh-in day over at my main blog because I was just so excited to get under one of the many numerical hurdles (or goals) that I have set for myself. Although I generally like to separate my writing into “everyday life crap” and “weight loss crap”, there are times that they bleed into one, obviously. Losing weight is a huge part of who I am right now and although I keep that facet separate in my writing, it’s always there on the tip of my tongue or the forefront of my brain. That’s the thing that sucks about being heavy/fat/chubby/whatever…you can never escape thinking about it.
From the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment my head hits the pillow, I am in some way thinking about food. Some days it’s the constant struggle against the pop tart and ice cream monsters but most days it’s just that obsessive thought process that goes along with counting points and calories. I’m not complaining about it or saying that I’d rather not be focused on what goes into my body. Honestly, it’s much better to have preemptive obsession than that deep shame that comes from not doing anything about it. The worst feeling in the world is the cycle that I’ve mentioned here before….over eating constantly, feeling fat and ashamed because of it, stuffing that shame with more food and so on and so on. I think my point is that no matter where you are in your overweight life, your brain hardly gets a rest from it. C’est la vie, I guess.
Lately, my “overthinking” is trending towards counting up how many days I’ve been doing really well with my eating program. So far, I am almost up to a whole month but it’s like this weird obsession not to fall off of the wagon. For me, falling off equals binge eating….food without abandon, I call it. Like, the other day I had half of a cupcake and don’t consider that anywhere near a failure. However, had I eaten three cupcakes then used that as an excuse to order a whole pizza for dinner, followed by ice cream for dessert – well, you get my drift. When I step into the pool of wanton pigginess, that’s when I feel like I’ve failed. So yeah, I’m obsessed with the fact that it hasn’t happened in quite some time, despite emotional dramas and traumas happening all around me.
Anyway, I came here simply to say that I lost one pound this week. Really, that was all I wanted to post…just to let you know that I am slowly and steadily chugging away at my fatassedness. Perhaps my brain just needed to say more than I thought, huh?
August 17th, 2009
The most interesting thing about not having much food in the house is the fact that I can’t turn to it when things go all wonky inside of me. For example, Sunday was a particularly shitty day for me emotionally and I pretty much cried on and off all day long. I kept wondering what the hell was going on with me and why everything seemed more sad and dramatic than it had been before. Sure, there were a couple of things that shook me a little throughout the week and weekend but honestly, nothing as earth shattering as my dramatic tear-fest might have suggested. It dawned on me late in the evening as I was sitting down to dinner that maybe one of the reasons for my feeling so many emotions was the fact that I’d not stuffed them with food for quite some time.
Growing up in a twelve-step household, my Dad was always very watchful of my sister and me, looking for signs of alcoholism and constantly warning us against it. The problem there is that I never really turned to alcohol but food? Man oh man, give me a box of Pop Tarts and half a pizza and life would magically be better and happier just as long as I was mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth. The insanity of it all is that while food temporarily seems to take away one’s pain, it actually *causes* more pain later because as anyone who has ever been fat can tell you, it’s not a sunny walk in the park emotionally speaking. Eating wads and wads of food causes more weight gain which causes more self-loathing which causes more eating which causes more weight gain which causes blah blah blah, I’m sure you get it.
Anyhow, one of the goals that I set for myself this year is to stop eating away the pain. I spent the last two years just stuffing my face and watching TV (basically hiding) rather than dealing with all of this stuff I should have already fixed. I should be happy right now but I wasted so much time just hiding it all away by using food to numb the pain and I cannot live the rest of my life like that. I refuse to buy any more pints of ice cream when my heart feels broken in two. I refuse to say “it won’t hurt to pig out just this once” when I know that what I really need is to express my emotions in another way. It’s so fucking unhealthy and once again, this is the only thing that I can control right now. If I can at least minimize my emotional eating by 50% then my God, what a wonderful life I will be living. Hey, it may never be pain-free and I may have to invest in Kleenex but still, at least I will be feeling emotions as they come rather than storing them all up for later, making them so unbearable that not only is food required but also booze or whatever.
Taking control of all of this is really hard but it can be done. Speaking of alcohol, one thing I promised myself is that I would not get randomly drunk every other weekend and save it up for big parties (which happen only 3-4 times a year, honestly). I also don’t mind having a beer now and then or a glass of wine with dinner but only when it fits into the calories and points I have left. Anydoodle, sheesh…Saturday night I was looking for an excuse to drink because I was home alone and was sorta glum about some stuff I don’t want to go into right now. I hadn’t eaten much that day so figured drinking until I couldn’t see straight would be an okay course of action. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass, started to unscrew the lid off of the rum and suddenly realized that all I was about to do was feed those emotions that I needed to feel. I have no idea what kind of crazy will power angel was watching my back but I tell you what, he did his job well. It took me seconds to realize that booze and food and all that other crap? I don’t need to turn to it all of the time to make myself feel better.
Oddly, I’ve started taking a walk whenever I feel like crap now. Whatever, it’s not like there is any danger of me switching addictions to exercise…you can trust me on that one for sure!
~Hilly
August 9th, 2009
Until this morning, I’d been able to find no positive about this “poor for two weeks” situation. Of course, that was stupid. As we all know, when one doesn’t don’t have a ton of extra cash flowage, eating out is really a non-option, as is drinking booze at some overpriced bar. Because one has no money for added entertainment, perhaps a little more exercise gets done to fill the void of time that is slowly ticking until that next paycheck.
And miracle of all miracles, when the planets align and one is forced to actually do what she should have been doing all along? She loses weight!
Yes my friends, I lost…wait for it…9.3 freaking pounds this week! Seriously!
I wish I was at a point where that made a huge differnce in my body but hey, my face and neck *do* look much thinner, woo hoo.
Have a wonderful week!
August 7th, 2009
Those of you that read my regular blog know that I am going through a huge financial struggle right now. In fact, I just paid my rent, two days late, and I now have about $35.00 to get me through the next two weeks. The good news is that my bills are paid and well, I guess I don’t need to go anywhere really but the bad news? The price of food.
I was thinking about how much it sucks when we have to give up our healthy eating patterns because we just cannot afford the better foods. I was wondering how long my current healthy food supply would last before I became Old Mother Hubbard and then started to dread putting crap things in my body. Sure, every now and then I enjoy a good box of mac-n-cheese or the pure decadence of cheap white bread but really? I don’t want to be eating that kind of crap for a whole week.
So, instead of just accepting defeat, I sat down, grabbed the Sunday paper as well as all of those annoying coupon books and food ads that get dropped in my mailbox each day. I started clipping coupons for different stores and notating who had what on sale. I noticed that it was actually *cheaper* to get the 2-for-1 deal of Post Bran Flakes rather than get the generic (this time around anyway). I started noticing things that I haven’t paid attention to in a very long time and came to the conclusion that you *can* eat healthily on a budget, but you just have to know how to do it correctly.
The thing about dieters is that we like to have bunches of various foods in our houses because having choices makes diets seem less harsh and easier to stick with. You know, because clearly having oatmeal for breakfast every day is going to make you go completely crazy and start eating everything else in the house. What I have found is that I actually stick to my diet a lot more if I don’t have a million choices. Every day for breakfast, I eat oatmeal and a hard-boiled egg….every day. My evening snack is bran flakes with a box of raisins….every evening. In between, it’s your basic variations of sandwiches, salads, meat and veggies, string cheese and sugar free puddings. Long story short, I don’t vary much from the theme and you know what? That in itself saves money.
If you’re having a hard time eating healthy and you think that buying millions of different “!00 Calorie Snack Packs, frozen dinners and boxed crap is going to make it easier to stick to your diet, think again. People tend to overeat those snack packs and quite honestly, there has never been a frozen dinner capable of making me full like a nice piece of chicken with brown rice and tons of veggies can. Of course we all want treats now and again and I am not saying that people shouldn’t have them at all. I’m just saying that if you are, like me, struggling a little bit with money, there is still a way to eat healthy while pinching your pennies.
Buy your meat in bulk and when it is on sale. My saving grace right now is that I bought meat on sale a month ago and still have a lot of it. Buy high fiber foods that fill you up…my favorite snack is air-popped popcorn. Even though I prefer fresh, if it’s cheaper and your only way to get veggies in your body, buy frozen (not canned). Look for deals and do the best you can with what you’ve got. And yanno, if you can’t afford much food, that will help you from “slipping” and binge eating too!
I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not even sure what I will be able to do with the money I have however, I do know that there is no need to give up and dive head first into the most heinous food ever made…Top Ramen. Just because I’m poor for a couple of weeks does not mean that I need to destroy my body, nor do I intend to.
~Hilly
July 24th, 2009
First of all, today is weigh-in day! Some Fridays I love running to the scale with glee while others I begrudge its existence and stare at it for about an hour before I will even touch it. Of course, those are the weeks when I know that I’ve been so far off my program that not even Richard Simmons’ peppy ass could bring me back to center.
The great news? This week was a loss! To be exact, I lost 3.8 pounds this week, upping my total weight loss to: 15.8 pounds lost since I moved to Florida three months ago and 20.8 pounds since the beginning of the year.
Slow and steady, man…slow and steady.
I think the reason the scale started finally going back down again this week is because I’ve been spending more time at home, cooking more meals, working out on a regular basis and trying to avoid alcohol (since last weekend which was just, wow). One of the hardest parts of weight loss is learning when to tell people “no, thank you” when you are constantly invited out to lunches and dinners. I often worry that they will think I am rude and antisocial (which, let’s face it, I am just a little) when the reality is that getting into a serious weight-loss groove is much easier when I can control my environment and not be tempted by yumminess at fantastic restaurants.
I’m weak when it comes to my willpower right now. I’d previously lost 100 pounds (back five years ago) so I know the kind of strength and dedication that it takes to stay on track. I also know that the best way to get to that dedicated point is to keep losing just enough that I can taste it…”it” being the victory of losing pound after pound after pound until I like the way I look again. I’m finding myself not wanting to eat out but I think I’ve got to grab that strength back and automatically go into a dining out situation fully believing that I will pick the healthy choice. I’d love for the voices in my head that say, “just this once won’t hurt” to shut up permanently.
The ironic thing is that lately I’ve had such a problem with weakness, especially in people that I thought had a little more awesomeness than they really do. I’ve been turning my nose up and calling people “weaksauce” then lamenting my disappointment in those same people’s lack of strength, especially strength of character. The old adage “it takes one to know one” popped in my head and made me realize something. Even though I live mostly every aspect of my life with such strength and truly do have more balls than most people? When it comes to willpower, I am weak.
This week? I’m going to really work on changing that. I’m going to suggest other options when I need to eat out and am totally staying off of the booze-athons at least until probably October. I am declaring a moratorium on ordering the muffin with my nice healthy salad every time I go to Mimi’s. I’m not turning down any more invitations and if I go to an event that is movies and pizza (like tonight), I’m saving the points for it and having 1-2 small slices of pizza then moving on. Just because there is something delicious in my face, it doesn’t mean I need to eat it all. I only need to eat a small portion then get the fuck over it. Weakness bothers me so much that I’m willing to start walking the walk in the weight loss arena of my life as well.
Slow and steady, man…slow and steady.
~Hilly
July 19th, 2009
I know that I am a huge proponent of eating “real” food rather than boxed or packaged food but hey, every now and then we all need to grab something quickly. Generally, I’m a sucker for Lean Pockets, Lean Cuisine Paninis and the occasional frozen spaghetti with meat sauce. When I go grocery shopping for the week, I only allow myself three frozen items each trip (generally because the sale stuff is 3 for whatever price) and promise myself that the rest of my meals will be home made, blah blah.
This last week, I decided to give some of the Weight Watchers frozen meals a try since I rarely buy Weight Watchers’ products. When I saw that they had Quesadillas, both Fiesta and Chicken with Cheese, I almost wet myself. Mexican food is my favorite food in the whole wide world and hey, I’ll even take it in crappy diet form. Of course, any quesadilla that I would have made from scratch? It would have tasted better than this crap. You’d think something with 630 freaking miligrams of sodium would have tasted something other than bland. Sheesh. Anyway, that’s not my point. Pay close attention to the pictures below and you’ll learn how to defy all of the rules (while still feeling good about your choices, dammit!)…
Mmmm, look at this…only 4 points for this box of deliciousness? Oh wait, that’s 4 points per quesadilla. Oh well, no matter, I have tons of points left…maybe I will just eat two of them with a little bit of light sour cream. Yes, delicious, that’s it. Now, hrm….how long do I cook these fuckers?
I’m confused. Nowhere here does it tell me how long to cook two of them! Hahaha, oh my GOD, does it really say “Return second Quesadilla to the freezer.”? So basically, Weight Watchers is saying, “Woah fatty, how about some portion control? As a matter of fact, we’re going to force portion control on you by not even telling you how long to cook two of them at a time! Take that, you chubba lubba ding dong!”.
Oh reaallllllllly, Weight Watchers? Guess what? I am smart enough to have cooked these one-at-a-time and now can eat two of them, side of sour cream intact. You haven’t foiled me, almighty Empire of Portion Control! Suck it!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be needing to drink about 10 gallons of water to wash away the sodium that I ingested due to this meal and uh, well…I’ll never tell.
~Hilly